0:00 Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Careful Boys, and you were just telling us how you got caught jacking off by your roommates. What the heck happened? >> I went to college at UCLA. >> Thank you for clarifying. >> Like it met Like it met >> Say which dorm number, too, so whoever's living there now knows. >> And um you know it's ████ expensive in Westwood, right? It's like crazy expensive. Like to the point where everyone doubles to a room. And if you have two in a room, you're still probably paying between 5 and $700, and this is uh per bed. >> Over 20 years ago. >> Yeah, ████ like over 10 15 Is it 20 years? Oh, ████ it's about to be almost Yeah, yeah. Over like 20 years ago. That's how expensive it is. So, after I got there and I made some friends, um we had this arrangement that there's a studio, so it was already a little bit cheaper, and then if we split it with
0:51 three people, then each person it's like 400 or 450 or something like that. >> I like I like the word arrangement nowadays because of things like Jada and Will and stuff, but >> Keep it going. >> Aren't those entanglements? >> Or should I call it an entangle >> Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right, you're right, entanglements. >> You all sound the same to me. >> No, so this wasn't an entanglement. So, I had I had a studio apartment, and we had three beds. I was next to the sliding door on the balcony. There's two beds over here. And you know, like when you're in your college day, it's like peak ████ horniness. >> Mhm. >> So, you're trying to jack it, and I never like to cross like like boundaries like that. >> Jack streams? >> No, like which So, one chick had a boyfriend No, they both had boyfriends, actually. >> Yeah, wait, wait, time out. So, you were living with two chicks? >> Yeah. >> In a studio. Can we Can we get >> WHERE YOU GOT CAUGHT BY girl roommates? >> That's probably the worst nightmare, actually. >> I I honestly, I don't know if it's 100%
1:41 confirmed, but it was one of those >> You can't Like if I don't make eye contact, it's not happening. >> No, it's like one of those [laughter] It's like those You know in the movies >> I'm just going to finish. >> in the You know in the movies where like the guy's like tip-toeing down the hall, and they go, "What's that?" And it's just like pew. And you don't know if they saw each other or >> [laughter] >> So >> anyway, so what happened was >> Bro, she saw YOUR SILHOUETTE, BRO. >> SO, you know, if you're if you're trying to like jack schedule, you want to make sure you're safe, right? >> Jack max is what they call it. >> So it's not jack max. >> [laughter] >> So if you're trying to jack max, I'm like, "Oh, hey. Hey, what's up, Aurora?" Like, "Oh, yeah, cool. You're going to go to class? Okay, cool. Sick. Oh, when does your class end?" >> That's about 2 hours, right? >> Yeah, good. [laughter] So she's the last one out cuz the other chick had like an early morning class. She's out, I'm like, "Sick. I have the apartment all to myself. Time to jack max." I pulled out my laptop, I put it on the coffee table, I put my pants down to my
2:32 ankles. I don't want to get too comfortable cuz people might come home from ████ lunch or some ████ you know? >> You never know. >> Professor wasn't there. >> Class let out early. >> And then so I start jacking it. >> It's raining. >> I was getting super comfortable, and all of a sudden you hear the ████ keys fumbling and ████ >> Wait, wait. How comfortable? What's comfortable for you? >> Let's see. >> The max volume on the speakers. >> [laughter] >> Fingering your ass. >> You know when you sit when you sit there long enough that sweat starts to form between your calf and hamstring? [laughter] That comfortable. I was like this for a while. I was like, "This is pretty ████ comfortable." >> Damn, dude. Heels up, bro. >> That fool's been jacking it like [laughter] this. >> What is That's how you jack it, dude? >> LIKE YOU'RE IN A SQUAT. YEAH, LIKE YOU'RE IN A POTTY SQUAT, DUDE. >> IT'S BECAUSE NO, it's because the way >> It's the folder. I got to check THE ERGONOMICS. >> NO, IT'S BECAUSE THE WAY >> MY HIP mobility range of motion is
3:23 better here. Does it make your dick smaller? >> No, it's because the way the room set >> work. >> Bro, you got to jack off with like >> Hey, bro. >> No, my my [laughter] my my mattress is on the ground, that's why. So my mattress is on the ground, and then my my laptop's on the coffee table. >> [laughter] >> I would love to be the webcam in that moment right there. >> at my desk. I was cuz if I was at my desk, my back would be against the door, and that'd be ████ scary if someone came in. >> Yeah, yeah. You never do that. >> So I was like, "CQB, dude." >> Just in case. Just in case someone comes back in for some stupid ass reason, I can like immediately go yoinkers and then yoinkers. Oh, what am I doing? Just watching America's Best Dance Crew? Like, you know >> [laughter] >> Watching the Kinjaz and >> Cuz that's what was going on during that time. >> Why is your pants down while you're watching ABDC? You're like, OH, I FORGOT THIS PART. >> [laughter] >> SO, I HEAR the keys fumble. Shh, I'm
4:13 like, oh, ████ [clears throat] So, I pull it up and then as soon as I pull it up is when the door opens. >> Oh, oh, no. >> So, she comes in, I do the the the quintessential tuck the weiner behind the waistband thing like standing up and I don't know if she saw, I don't know if she saw that I looked maybe had a moist forehead or anything [laughter] like that. >> Why are the back of your KNEES SO SWEATY? >> SO, I DON'T KNOW. And then and I don't know if she could smell anything in the air like this guy's been ████ I don't know. Pre-cum in the air? >> Yeah, tantalizing themselves. >> You've been cleaning in here? >> [laughter] >> I don't know. >> This is all you mopped. >> But, um but we made eye contact. I don't I probably had a stutter in my voice. Like, it's good to see you back. What's going on? >> Voice cracking. >> So, the whole depends on how in her
5:04 brain she was. If she was like, oh, ████ I ████ left this thing. She's really in her head, I don't think she would have noticed. But, if she was outside of her brain, she probably would have been like I think Bart was ████ jack maxing when I was gone. >> If you had to put money on it, what do you think she thought? Like, we ████ bring her out >> back in 2008. >> You think she knows that you were jacking it or you think the easier truth is she had no idea. She was thinking about something else. She was worried about her paper. >> I think >> That's the easy truth. >> as a girl in college years, I don't think they would know. >> I don't think so. >> I think if another dude came in, they'd be like, oh, this ████ been jacking. Cuz we know, you know, we know what we do. >> And in her mind must have been on like cuz if she had to come back, she probably left something in there. Cuz she just left, right? Yeah. She left something. And then she she left she go she grabs her ████ she leaves.
5:55 And then I was like I'm not in the mood anymore. >> Really? >> [laughter] >> That was too scary. >> It was like it was like almost like I got caught by the police and I'm like oh. And they're just like >> Your adrenaline somewhere else now, yeah. >> I'm going to go get ████ Subway. >> [laughter] >> Going to get a meatball sub. >> Do you think in that dynamic like when it's your roommate and you can't escape that later, it's easier even if you figured out to just be like I'm just going to I'd rather just block it, ████ it. Like you know, that's your We coexist in a living space. I'd rather not even engage in that and then now we know like if we both just avoid it it never happened. >> I just got two quarters left. I just got to deal with this ████ I'm out. [laughter] >> Bart's usually pretty nice. >> Cuz everybody out there knows that it's a dream come true like in a every porno
6:46 where you're jacking off and a girl's like oh my god, I caught you. Well, let me help you then. >> Well, no. [snorts] You always need at least 3 minutes of really bad acting before that though. They're like like oh ew. >> I'm so embarrassed. >> Yeah, yeah. It's like well, maybe if you could help me it's like no, but that's not right. >> Uh and then >> I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know. I don't watch a bunch of these. >> I watched all the way through though. >> Nick likes the sibling one. >> [laughter] >> Nick likes the sibling one like oh brother. >> No, no, no. I don't like those at all. >> ever have roommates or siblings that caught you? >> [laughter] >> Just my parents and my dad. Just my dad when I was a young lad. >> Just your dad when I was young a lot? >> The closest thing it was it was like I was probably in like sixth grade or something like fifth grade. And I was looking >> Yeah, you started early. >> Yeah, I was looking at those websites. This is so gross. This is so perverted. >> Oh yeah, they they all started early at
7:37 that point. They had access. I feel like you start later when you don't have access. >> It would be like these these stupid little games where you could like it'd be like oh like a like a cartoon character but you take the clothes off and then they'd be naked under and you're like as a sixth grader you're like dude this is ████ This is it. >> That's it. >> Yeah. >> This is it. >> We were doing that with pen and pencil on ████ lined paper. >> So it'd be like these flash games remember like the flash browsers you'd have to get and you'd be like ████ I don't have the plugins you have to get the plugin then you could play this game and you're like wow this is sick all right cool. So I got the plugin did all the things I'm playing it and then my ████ dad walks in and I'm like trying to close everything and I had to exit all the browsers and then he knew how I reacted just like you said if it was my mom she probably would have been like no that's fine. But the way I acted he was like that kid was jacking off.
8:28 >> He's all got sweat coming down his >> Yeah [laughter] yeah yeah. >> He's all closing all the browsers but his ████ pants are still around his ankles. >> [laughter] >> This guy had no cuz I well I had walked away I thought I got away with it cuz I immediately was like on the computer he walks in and I immediately pretend like I don't need the computer and I just walk I'm like yeah I'm done I just walk outside. >> And then he >> [laughter] >> probably thought like they talked about >> Yeah yeah yeah I just like yeah I'm just done. I'm being so suspicious right? >> That's safe finished yeah. >> [laughter] >> I sold myself out it was just like >> The whole time do you have a boner clearly? >> And you're just walking you're walking around with a >> [laughter] >> Yeah yeah in my basketball shorts and my wife beater. >> And your dad's like clearly this fool's hard as ████ >> It's like not even black shorts it's like wet. >> Like a spot. >> [laughter] >> Heather gray PE shorts. >> Then my dad comes to me later and he goes like this is like like two minutes
9:18 right after all this happened and I think I kind of like my adrenaline went down so I think I'm like Scott free which is probably the worst cuz you think you got out of it. >> But then he comes back around and he's like begrudgingly talking to me about it again he's like just you can't go on sites I don't allow you to go on. And then [laughter] he just left and then I was like, "Oh, f███." I was like, "Oh, man." >> [laughter] >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was probably just able TO GO BACK, BACK, BACK. You ████ horny boy. >> He was like, "You can't be doing that." And then he just walked away. And I was like >> worse cuz he DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. He He was just like, "Oh." >> Who wants to though, right? >> But then for me as a kid, I was like, "Oh, so much shame." >> [laughter] >> You don't want to go like, "What sites exactly are you talking about, Dad?" >> I was like, "Oh, God." >> What would you do if you like you walked away, you kicked the door, he's like, "Nate."
10:08 "Show me how to play this." >> [laughter] >> He said, "How do you get past level three?" >> I'd I'd probably run out of the house. I'd freak the ████ out. >> Was this on the family computer or you had your own? >> Yeah, it was like a family computer. >> Oh, yeah. >> Yeah, that's the worst, dude. >> That's the worst. >> That's the worst. So I was like Yeah, I just wasn't I thought I was so slick cuz I knew like like everybody has a routine, right? You were Jack Maxon. I was Jack Maxon. My version was my dad will fall asleep. Once that ████ takes a nap, I know he's out for a while. So I was like house to myself, dude. >> Yep. >> Family computer, you go on there and then you get got. >> Then he woke up. >> Cuz that's what they do from naps. They wake up sometime. >> He usually doesn't though. He usually doesn't. That was my thing. >> But it's always when you turn on the porn, that's that's that's exactly when everybody gets that that >> He heard He heard the Windows operating system and he ████ knew something was up. >> The minute you have a boner by yourself,
10:58 that's like the most vulnerable state you could ever be in. >> Yeah, man. >> [laughter] >> You're so vulnerable. You can't resist touching yourself. Cuz it's like >> [laughter] >> If you're If someone catches you taking a ████ or whatever it's not even that bad. But when you're jacking it and like let's say someone rings a doorbell, you're like, "Ah." "What the hell?" >> Yeah. You get mad at them for no reason. >> Plus back then too, I I swear to God, I feel like the mouses the the click sound was like the loudest max volume. So just the idea >> You would have have turn that off in the settings. >> Even I remember one time my family came back home, you know, like screen door kitchen. It's like, "Oh ████ that's happening." I'm in the living room. You know what I'm saying? >> Furious clicking away on things. >> I had like so many windows open. I was I was trying to like This is back then
11:48 where you had to like load up one whole page was for one picture, but it might take like 10 minutes to load up one photo. So, you're like, "F███ it, dude. Like I got the house to myself. I'm going to load up like four photos at the same time." >> I'm [laughter] having a ████ fivesome. >> Big spender. I'm prepping for this jack-off an hour before that's the session really begins. You know what I'm saying? I got to do a like recon. And then finally when it's like you've been doing recon for like 45 minutes and you're like, all right, now it's ████ time to start. And you get into it, that's when you get comfortable. And then the ████ sliding door, every single time that sliding door, I swear to that you could always You think in your mind you can hear the steps leading up like you got some Spy Kids radar, like, you know. But every single time that I swear that door just opens it opens like at 100 miles an hour. You didn't see it hear anything coming up to it, and then you're ████ cooked. >> Once you hear that door slam, your reflex is to close all the laptops, and that's what you do. You go, "Close
12:38 everything." >> And my sister, I remember one time she's like, you know, your ████ stupid ass older sister, she's ████ smart ass ████ She's like, "What are you doing?" And you're like, "Nothing." >> Nothing? >> [laughter] >> ████ back of your knees. >> [gasps] >> Nothing. [laughter] >> Every time you have to walk like this, "Nothing." >> Stop. >> [laughter] >> Stop. Stop looking at the back of my knees. I'm not sweating. >> [laughter] >> Dad, she has a tattoo on the back. >> [laughter] >> Just burn them some other way.
// end of tape