0:00 The dirtiest roommate I ever had was in college. And uh this guy was a white hippie. >> Oof. >> So you know like when you >> That's tough. >> And the one that he replaced was my Asian roommate. And I think a lot of Asian Americans as we grow up the same, we kind of have the same whether we're like Korean, Chinese, Japanese, whatever, there's like a general consensus of how things are done. >> And same smell. >> Communal space is supposed to be shared. >> So like when you >> when you like come in the house, you take off your shoes, right? You don't step in ████ and then walk all over the place. And then when you catch them stepping in ████ they don't go to where the dishes and the sink are and then try to wash the ████ off in the kitchen sink. >> He didn't even smell the ████ that he stepped on. >> What do you mean he didn't smell? Like
0:50 you asked him, "Do you not smell that?" >> HE WAS LIKE, "OH! OH, MAN!" LIKE that's >> Oh, that's stoner ████ >> So I came in I came in the house and I'm like, "What the hell was that smell? Damn, it smells weird up in here." And then I started looking at the tile on the ground. This was at the apartment next to UCLA. And I'm like, "What the hell are these little like black and brown spots?" And I was like, "Oh, dang." And I went really close and then you know like you sometimes see like a little hair sticking out of like dookie or whatever. I'm like, "Hey, uh I think his name was Troy. I was like, "Hey Troy, did you step in poo poo?" And he goes, "Uh no, I don't think so." And I'm like, "Let me see your sandals." And he comes up to me and he had like a big wad underneath the sandals. >> Oh, brother. >> the hell?" I'm like, "Dude, you got dookie all over the kitchen." And I go into his room and it's all over the carpet, too.
1:40 >> [screaming] >> I'm like, "What the hell? Why is it all over the carpet?" He goes, "Oh, dude, I lost my keys, so I had to hop the balcony to get in." Cuz we're on the first floor. So I think on the way of hopping the balcony, he stepped in where a dog pooped and he jumped in and he stepped all over the carpet, all over the kitchen. I'm like, "Dude, you got to clean that." And so, I assume he's going to go straight to the communal bathroom and rinse it in the bathtub, but he goes straight to our kitchen sink that has our dishes there. I'm like, "Yo, yo, yo, don't don't don't wash it there." So, he does that. The other thing he always does is he always takes a dump with the door open. >> No. >> So, I'll come home I'll come home from from school. I see him, he goes, "Hey, Bart." And he's like a nice guy. >> He's so nice. Yeah. >> So nice, super chill, like, you know, super hippy type dude. And I'm like, "Yo, Troy, can you just like not ████
2:31 with the door open?" So, he would do that. >> It's like jail with THE STALLS. "WHAT'S UP, BART?" >> HOW WAS CLASS, MAN? >> And in his room hotboxing all the ████ time. I'm like, you know, a lot of people they just go outside and smoke, especially if you know your other roommate doesn't smoke or do whatever. But then every time you ████ you open the door, it's like you can't even see halfway through his room. And there's one time where it was Joe was sleeping. So, I paid for the apartment mainly, and then all the furniture is mine. From the TV in the living room to the couch to the other mattress in the living room. It's all mine. Uh I technically sublease the other room cuz my other roommate moved out. >> Yeah. >> And when me and Joe are writing skits and Joe would visit me, uh him and his girlfriend were laying in the mattress in the living room, which is my mattress. But my roommate's girlfriend, who was so
3:24 used to I guess laying on that mattress, one day she comes in and she sees Joe and his and his girlfriend laying there. She gets ████ pissed. She's like, "What the f███?" Slams the door and then leaves. >> Yeah, I woke up like, "What's happening? Are they fighting?" >> Yeah. And then later I find out through Troy, he's like, "Oh, dude, my girlfriend was just wondering like why someone was laying in her bed." I'm like, "That's my bed, and that's my homie. This is my apartment. Like, she she could lay in your bed, but the living room is technically like not her space. She doesn't even pay rent here. So, that was like my most >> She claimed it as hers? >> Yeah. >> I remember that. I was like, is that ████ crazy? >> But that was like my dirtiest >> How did you find that roommate? >> I don't remember. It was just probably like old school, put it in the bulletin in the hallway. Hey, I need a roommate.
4:14 >> He was one of the nicest dudes though. I just think he he's too carefree and he thinks the whole world is as carefree as he is. >> Super carefree cuz he's like uh you know the kind of guy that doesn't wear underwear. Same jeans whole month. Like that kind of guy. Like just super super chill, super hippie. >> was a ████ >> like you're like basically describing Lawrence Cal in college, but But like, yeah, super cool. >> Yeah, every time he bends over, butt crack, you know, always wear shoes everywhere. And um and then like he he had like ████ Crohn's disease or some sort of disease, so I had to give him shots into his stomach. >> What the >> need help cuz he has to keep his medication in his fridge. And the one time, I think his car broke down, so he needed me to give him a ride from UCLA all the way to like Oxnard. And then when I got to his house, his dad shows up looking like a ████ admiral.
5:05 And I was like, oh, I see how you turned out the way you are. Like your dad is probably ultra like Jaco military, so you just went the other way. So, you just became a straight hippie. And I was like, I I could see why you're like that. Like no order whatsoever. You probably just rebelled. >> Do you feel like that's like inverse of your situation with your dad? >> My dad? What do you mean? >> Well, it's cuz you >> Like he runs to America, so I want to run to China? >> No, no. Like he's such a your dad such a like a You know, your dad such a you know, he gangs the man. >> Oh, ████ man ████ >> So, then you like kind of follow in that footsteps cuz he like maybe wanted you to be extra gangster, but then you ended up going, I'm a marine. Started doing real business and stuff. >> Did you hear that voice? >> Maybe. I think for me my opposite of my dad is uh or maybe the marriage is seeing how ████ up it was and it created a
5:55 divorce household and I never wanted that. >> Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> So, I was like, if we get married >> So, everything everything I want for my kid I need to be like the worst opposite. >> Yeah. >> Or just communicate. I think you could be whatever [laughter] you want. Or that one that one communicate, you know? >> Oh, yeah, okay, yeah. >> Cuz I think that's the biggest thing. >> know more now, you know? >> But you you see you have all these like deadbeat like hippie parents and then they have the most type A perfect children. That are like, "Oh, you guys are so irresponsible." So, then they step up and like they just don't do everything. >> That's true. You get to be chill. One battle after another. Leo's all crazy, his daughter's a badass. >> Just like smoking weed all the time and then she's just like making sure I eat like good food. I have pizza, she takes the pizza away, makes me a sandwich. >> You have to be like, "I can't take care of myself. You have to take care of me." >> Yeah, I got I got I have like panic attacks in the middle of the night, but I know I'm just doing it to front.
6:45 >> [laughter] >> It cuz it helps her take care of me better. I'm helping her help me. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. The more motivation. We're very manipulative parents. I think this is good. >> You guys got nasty ass roommates? >> I had one. That fool smelled like ████ Cheeto. Like and he just always smelled like cheese, man. >> What race was he? >> I think he was Vietnamese. >> Interesting. Did he shower daily or you don't know? >> Interesting. >> I don't know, but he would play video games a lot um downstairs and every single time like I'd be like, "Damn, does someone is someone cooking mac and cheese?" Like cuz I'm like, "It's good, but it smells like old cheese." But I was like, "I don't know." >> So, he wouldn't shower? Would he just smell like bed all the time? >> I wasn't the only one. I was like asking my other roommates, too, and I'm like, "Hey, you see you smell cheese?" And they're like, "Yeah, that's him." And I'm like, "What? Why the ████ does he smell like cheese?" And he used to share
7:36 a room with my other roommate, too. So, I was like, "Damn, man, you guys do you eat a lot of like Cheetos or like what's going on in that room, man? Cuz um your homie smells like ████ cheese. Like in it and he would never wash dishes. And every single time like the dish would be stacked like plate after plate. It was all him. But and I do think he always had the microwave mac and cheese from Costco where you just add water and then you So he would eat that. And I think that's why his skin bled cheese. >> [snorts] >> His skin bled >> And he probably never >> shower. >> Yeah, all the above. >> if he at least shower daily. >> So he would just like constantly cut himself so cheese would come out and then he would never shower so he would just crusted cheese everywhere. >> I went I think I was on a trip or I went to Hawaii or something and then I came back and I found out that they had a orgy in the house.
8:26 >> They had a orgy? The mac and cheese guy had a orgy? >> Cuz he was like a avid raver. So after like he invited all these people these cracked out people to hang out at the house um and then like crash out on my living room. And they're just clapping like I guess one thing led to another and everyone's they just had a a group sex session. And I was like Max, I was like where was I? >> Yeah, that's a good thing to be mad about that age. At that age you're definitely not like >> But do you want to be in a you do you want to be in a orgy with cheese guy though? >> Well, it's a orgy. You don't have to ever touch cheese guy. >> But if there's cheese in the room, I don't want to smell cheese in the >> vibe, dude. >> Everyone else was probably cheesy. >> That's what I'm saying. It's like if cheese guy is hanging out like who are his friends? >> Yeah, but maybe he's like Gorgonzola but then like there's like cheddar down the way. >> He wants some brie cheese down the way. That'd be cool. Yeah. >> Yeah, but if the girl smell like
9:16 Parmesan, I'm out. >> Yeah, that's not good. >> But anyways, uh >> I don't think you want to be in a orgy with him. >> Yeah, he was he was just not the best roommate because I it was like a creative environment. Like we had a lot of go-getters. It was like a it was like a content house. Like you know how they do that where it's like let's get people together and we'll create. So like some people would edit, some people you know and then we would exchange ideas and in the very beginning he was with it like he would edit like whatever and then he was just all of a sudden just gaming all day. >> Are you talking about Ken? >> No. >> All right. Ken don't smell cheese, man. >> I'm just making sure. Ken Ken actually upgraded it. That's why I brought I brought him along to everything I did. But like he you know Ken was on top of he was editing like crazy. Everyone was doing something and that was like a good environment but I had to kick him out
10:07 because I was like bro like we got you're wasting space like I rather have another person here that contributes >> and smells less. >> Smells like candy? >> Smells like human being. >> [laughter] >> Not cheese. I don't want you to Yeah. You smell like cheese. I don't like that ████ So yeah we had to kick him out but yeah I think I think when someone's like just doesn't understand what a ████ nuisance they are and like I think that's like that age if you don't learn it then you're going to be a loser for the rest of your life. >> Dude that's why roommates like the college kind of bunker that that that again another sandbox life experience where you get to just like suddenly have your life system preferences be challenged by somebody else's entirely different system settings and then you have to constantly coexist.
10:58 You can't tell them for sure they have to change their settings just like they can't for sure tell you you have to change yours and then you'll still try to compromise and then you'll realize where it's like I can't compromise on this and you have to do that ████ before the idea of imagine like living with a life partner. Like that's crazy. >> No that's a really good thing to have to interface with and then work out all those it's tutorial and your own bad habits. Like if you don't correct it cuz your mom is always going to accept you. Your mom is always going to take you back. Even if you smell like cheese. >> Roommates who have to chip in money and you don't have like all this other rapport and ████ like that, that's a whole different beast of like >> Cuz roommates will kick you out, they'll call you out, they'll tell you, "Man, ████ you. I ain't your family. Get your ████ together." >> Cuz it's a sacred spot. Like that's your living quarters. You're If you have to share a bathroom with somebody you can't
11:49 ████ be hygienic. It's the worst. >> I remember the nastiest I've been was living by myself. And I used all the dishes and I was so ████ lazy I don't want to wash anything and then I went through all my disposable plates. And I'm like, "F███, now I got to go back and wash the dishes." >> [laughter] >> You've been ████ here for so long. >> And then when you wash one, you're like, "Dude, that was nothing." But then I do have like 50 others, but I'm like, "Why don't I just wash one when I have one?" And I learned that lesson and then the next time I stack to 50 again. >> [laughter] >> You guys make that mistake like 10 times >> I'm like, >> before you finally fix >> just wash one and there's nothing. It's like washing your hands." >> That's a good observation. I'm like, "Why is it that when we're in college, we just cannot do dishes?" >> Oh, ████ that. >> No, we're learning how to for the first time. >> so long.
12:39 >> Like it takes until you're actually busy and adult to realize this system can't like take place in my house anymore. I can't just leave my dishes. >> All my All my utensils are gone. Are gone? My disposable forks are all gone and I'll search the whole house for the to-go plates that might have left one more before I wash the one fork. That's right there. >> I'm also that ████ though, right? Where it's like you rent a house or it's like it's not your house. So like you you do your best to treat it good. Suddenly it's your house and now it's like everything like you ████ scrutinize the way anybody walks in there, the way they walk in there, the way they ████ breathe in your ████ house, you know what I mean? It's like you're responsible for everything. So like before I used to not be great at the dishes or anything like that. Then it's my house. Now I'm Now I'm better at it than, you know,
13:29 somebody else in my house. Now I'm like, "Hey, hey, come on. You got to get better at this." And I used to be the guy who sucked and didn't do it and people would yell at me as a roommate and be like, "Yo, you got to do your dishes." >> Now you're the oppressor. >> I am and I'm proud of it. I would rather be the oppressor on certain things, especially if I do it better. >> Colonizer. >> [laughter] >> You're colonizer, dude. >> I am. Putting you on a game of the truth in my household, right? >> You got to wash dishes. After you eat, you got to wash it right away. Don't ████ around. >> The fastest way >> Don't ████ around. >> The food hasn't glued to it yet. >> Don't Yeah, rinse it right away. >> Comes out fast. >> is when I come home, we just had dinner, and I see there's a dried dish of dry rice all around and it's not soaked. I walk >> Well, when it's not soaked, like >> Cuz now it's like the same job is three times harder for no reason. >> I was like, "Now I got to let it soak with soap in it now."
14:19 >> [laughter] >> Now there's an extra step when that could have been already done by the time No, I'm not done yet. >> Don't copy me.
// end of tape