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Off The Record: David So & Friends Make the Craziest Episode Ever

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the transcript auto-captions · entered into evidence

0:00 [Music] welcome back to ladies night at jk we got to know that there isn't enough women on the show so we decided to bring more women for you guys i decided to bring this ████ how the ████ did this happen dude this wasn't even planned ████ there's nine people here record we i don't think we've ever had nine people this is ████ we're making history right is this even going to be a good conversation no way it's gonna be a terrible amazing no it is not even gonna be a conversation we're just gonna ask one question and we're gonna get david to answer it all right and it is the burning question that you had a hard time for some reason all right let's don't make it too real dude don't make it too real you want to ask him go ahead that's about the edited complex you absolutely created it it's not my

0:50 style guys you created it all right you're the one that thought of this stop yelling at me stop telling me everybody wants to know would you rather ████ your mom or your dad gun your head oh easy my dad dude why are your dad why is he it's almost hella mean [Laughter] but then turn over please [Laughter] remember he was like ████ he said do your dad missionary and i was like oh god that detail is terrible you have to look into his eyes dude huh have you ever seen your mom naked before you looking at me because you're a freak dude

1:49 i think i was one of the ones that like stopped showering with their moms later in life last year like yesterday nah maybe like eight is that too old that's pretty old that's kind of all right showers are so big is it because she is it because she insisted is it because your mom is like so forceful she's like no you need ████ come here scrub my back a little ████ i think it was one or the other she didn't trust me because at night when i'm watching tv she wants me to take a bath right and then i'm so glued to the tv i only take showers during commercials so i have to be in parts so i'm running to the bathroom watching i'm watching tv and i still have soap in my hair what the ████ and it's commercial go back rinse it and then come back and maybe have some soap like right here so i'm doing i'm breaking it up into parts so you just have this wet trail leading from your room to the bathroom and we also had

2:39 that plastic thing that you put over the carpet you know i'm talking about yeah with the spikes underneath on the other side yeah oh homes don't have that anymore nah that's gone damn they stopped saran wrapping their ████ remotes really wait you surround wrapped your remote right chad hey filipinos could agree to everybody it's like hey what oh my gosh yeah please you guys never did that ████ dad put that ████ in a ████ ziploc bag and then he taped the ziploc bag together yeah why what's the point to keep the remote ████ pristine but then you just look like a crazy person with everything like no longer alone ████ yeah why not cause my dad's ████ insane would your remotes get dirty all the time no our remote's numbers and everything just faded exactly but that's that's sign to just buy a universal remote at radio shack do you guys remember those old tvs where the remote was like this big yeah dawg that

3:29 ████ was ridiculous it was an ipad though i like the big remotes where you had to be like it would be a thing that you could get like hot topic or some ████ sometimes see that big remote do you remember the tv that would explode the tv that would explode when you turn it on you press you press the on button and it goes yeah and every channel is too much [Laughter] it's got that like nice meaty feeling hey welcome to 1940s guys none of you guys can relate it all born that time it's just our ████ poor ass grandparents kept that ████ you made it too real man but that's when it's fun i still don't understand the plastic wrap thing though no it's to keep the it's to keep the remote clean so it'd be like oh so you know like you spill water on it won't like ████ the remote up or

4:19 whatever but what's the limit to what you're not wrapping like it's wrapping not even just saran wrap if i went to like a more rich vietnamese house they had actual plastic remote sleeves that had like colored with like leather on the side yeah you would literally take it you put the whole remote and you ████ velcro it and it would be a remote cover my mom had homies that would saran wrap the steering wheel wow why don't you come in and support my conversation i'm not gonna ever back you up i'm not gonna ever be talking for five minutes the whole time he's relating he was like man that's around wrapped everything he's like i don't know what the ████ you're talking about weirdo so i guess we're done with the whole ████ your parents conversation that was a good answer such an easy honestly it was like just uh hawk what would you do oh no this is a normal person oh

5:09 god what's your on song [Laughter] dude bro by the way action ever by the way this is your onslaught this is happening as a hostage situation yeah but the the guy who's going to kill you all is he's going to make you seduce one of them but they don't know why yeah because you got to convince them to have sex with you yeah you have to convince them but you can't tell your parents like hey i have to ████ you or still going to kill us yeah you just have to start you just have to go start going like this you gotta be easier okay you have to either finger your mom or jack off your dad easier oh

6:04 it's kind of like jacking yourself off through time yeah all you could make through a different generation yeah to jack yourself up exactly but what if you have to hear his moans and ████ well then that's the version [Laughter] hey grab ryan's shoulder huh look at my shoulder whatever dad does this talk to me like looking through my eyes i had my mom grab my shoulder man what if he's like sound effects please

6:54 you should just try to moan over him so you're up the hero oh no that was that one's easier though that one's easier which one is dad yeah jacking off rather than ████ well yeah because that's probably never you know it's all been backed up by his son i i don't think so either call your dad right now see what he wants [Laughter] don't even bring mom into the picture oh my god why is it either oh just go for it anger your mom that no it's a loaded question no why no am i the only one you care about your dad more than your mom no i think so it's just closer to jacking myself up

7:45 because i'm the opposite of you i would ████ my dad all right not my mom because i don't like him so i'll ████ him angry but i'd finger my mom and not jack off my dad because he is getting no pleasure from me you think he'd be happy while you're jacking him up yeah why would i ████ make him come he doesn't get that my mom on the other hand she's been around us joseph [Laughter] you've been there all my life you deserve this you deserve dude i ████ finger pretty good so you deserve it what if your dad jacks you off at the same time

8:35 no because i hate him so you're sharing the present you guys will both be fine it's all pixelated anyways you can't see anything but that only happens to japanese people that are born in japan okay all three of us you could see our uncensored things that would be so funny dude japanese people when they take off their clothes [Laughter] today's video is brought to you by upstart it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you have high interest debt and sometimes it can be even harder to ask for help and that's when upstart comes in upstart powered personal loans can help you pay down high interest debt all online with simple and easy to understand payment

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10:16 to let them know that we sent you loan amounts will be determined based off your credit income and certain other information provided on your loan application go to upstart.com off the record let me let me okay i gotta up the ante okay so you say i'll jack off your dad right not your mom yeah let's say it has to be oral now dad or your mom because genetically it's the same most angry british person that's disgusting mom so you switch inside no no no no no no because like you're not gonna suck your own dick i mean some people do i guess are you being homophobic right now not on this channel i would rather that's true it's far from jacking yourself close your eyes and eat some ████ and think it's just ████ exactly until you hear

11:07 your mom moan that's disgusting oh god it's good that we have nine people in here to talk about this yeah add three guys in the conversation let's see how intellectual we get well why were you so quick to pick your dad too to ████ my dad yeah oh cause i'm not gonna touch my mom that's crazy oh yeah that's crazy but i'm gonna ████ cheer on my dad i'm gonna ████ my dad i'mma beat them cheeks but how would he react what's he like when he's who cares dude you gotta save mom right you know what's better dude what would you rather ████ your mom or one of your sisters jesus you gotta do one right now i'll pull the trigger for you at that at that point it's just like it's it's triple murder homicide suicide well everybody gotta go you don't have a choice though you're one of them you have to yeah you better do it right you guys are all immortal

11:58 three two one answer you guys have eaten a mermaid so you're not ████ drunk you're all immortal vampires live with this for the rest of your life right oh man answer now damn it i no this that's the thing is like wait you're the guy with the gun yeah i can't think about it i gotta really think about this this is this is a really important ████ thing to think about important ████ this is literally gonna drag this out to the video editor you can choose wrong you can choose wrong and you just have to choose no because i'm really actually weighing it out on my head i'm literally weighing it out who's thicker oh i don't want to take that into account because that's not going to be an account in my

12:48 which one of those are better you got your mom has better better tits or your sister the dun family is very flat chested dude no there's another knot i have a better i might have the biggest tits of the fan bro is your mama better ████ your sister has a way better juice oh man you know see that's a thing i think i think me oh god dude this is crazy this is wild you're making it too real dude this is super wild but dudes in west virginia are watching jk news like dude you guys are like man these guys got it all figured out we do this every day bro i can't do both i think i'd i'd probably chop my nuts off dude no no no no you're immortal you're immortal

13:38 it'll grow back you're immortal so there's no ████ there's no repercussions like you can do the ████ i want you to highlander man yeah there's always repercussions man and it's oh fine your mom is in her 20s now no that doesn't make it better dude that doesn't make it bad you could be your own father i can't i bro i can't i can't do anything she's not in her 20s but your sister is your mom's age i can't do anything to my mom i gotta save my mom okay okay all right oh god yeah i guess so what a ████ freak ████ outta don't you have here than one sister so fun he wants a threesome with his sister he wanted a threesome anybody else in the room got sisters ah anybody no well we all know steve's cake that's not like yours man dude i don't think

14:28 steve would ████ a sister though like the hottest one yeah well he already did one what the ████ really yeah he loves his sister like hardcore yeah she's pretty hot yeah okay you can't choose between them though i already picked my answer dude i like the uh i like the last jk clip that we cut up was when we asked nick if he would ████ his mom or his dad and then the thumbnail is and my face is like this and then the text was yeah i'll ████ my dad and he he had the smallest response in the video it was mostly anthony but then he's the thumbnail of god and it was it was all in a way to get anthony answer because he's like i don't want to answer this and i was like dude easy answer i'd ████ my dad you know he was trying to like you have a sister have a sister you do your turn dude your turn now i just feel like the only two guys that

15:19 never answered are right here chad's a guest sister though yeah yeah we're talking about sisters dude sister let's go yeah mom or sister go i hate you guys see it's different huh this guy was like laughing on my face now it's on youtube what are the stipulations everybody's immortal my dick will grow back what age is everybody just give me the ████ hey bring up the oedipus complex again the same age they are right now your sister's juicy's ass right now your mom's wrinkles but wait yes add juicy in there don't worry we're coming back around for the brothers okay the eyes juicy eyebrows juicy t-shirt juicy pants juicy triceps juicy j what a juicy cookie

16:11 oh my gosh all right what's the answer you guys are gonna let your families down right now dude like you're taking forever to ████ choose how dare you there's a psychopath with a gun not all of us hated our fathers all right well you know what some of us grew up with love but i love my mom and i said i'll eat her out ████ i hate you guys yeah probably so he's about to say he's by saying either way you're going to get judged i i know you're sick oh you sick ████ yeah what yeah he said say it louder bro sister ████ monster sick ████ who would ████ their sister that's disgusting i knew when i saw that goatee was a freak he's a ████ he really have to pick yeah that's ████ nasty i'm serious about wanting to know jesus literally david wasn't even on the call sheet today

17:17 what about a beautiful cousin what about your theater all right here's here's a real question right it even comes before this oh good here's the real question if the guy's pointing his ████ gun to your head right now and he goes you have to get hard right now for your family member right now this whole family's just standing there or your family just you got you have a lineup of your family member this guy's trying to really get into that right now he's really trying to get he's hard i don't think you have honesty okay oh you have to pick who you're getting hard for you have a lineup of your all your relatives your family members just standing up in a lineup and you have to choose one to get a boner for this scenario makes less sense yeah it's so abstract makes perfect sense guys get into real guys get too real all right hold on how do we arrive here all right i will take this back because

18:07 you're just gonna admit who you're ████ horny for but which which cousin you would ████ first okay so i guess the question is i think he wants to tell us which cousin it's okay you can tell us you can tell us let me tell you guys right now yeah for example mine's kimiko how about you a japanese cousin it's the most japanese name ever too that's tight [Laughter] we won't judge you now you go we'll go in a circle i'll go again have you guys ever been attracted which family member that subscribed to the channel would you ████ you no dude i don't have any females i've never been attracted to a cousin before a second cousin dude i am so lucky i don't got no hot family members you don't really know yeah all my cousins are boys so i've never had the scenario so what about you shut up dude

18:58 [Laughter] how about you i've never been attracted to any of my cousins right but i had a friend oh i know this ████ that was attracted to his cousin he wished they weren't related and then we went over to their house for thanksgiving the cousin wasn't there but i saw family pictures and i was like i think i'd be attracted to my cousin i could relate and i can empathize some amount of empathy he was like man she wasn't my cousin oh i'm taking on a date when you're too young and you don't know you also don't know what to do with it so it's not like you're ████ five years old planning your game well what to do with that boner yeah you're gonna say boner is tight oh no it's all classy dude i've always

19:49 wanted this accent on purpose it's just so smooth do you have it on accident it doesn't sound right i'm like an idiot all right trust to say boner distinguishedly bona we'll can you say this guys i want to see if it sounds different if you say all right say i'm a sexual molester [Laughter] as opposed to what kind of moles take one go ahead uh as your yeah i'm stepping in it's okay with that what's a sexual molester dude it sounds nice

20:41 like is there a non-sexual cause yeah yeah what the ████ is that like a violent fighter i don't know i wanted to go back to where joe's like okay imagine this right your family's looking at you you got them all laid out everything's pixelated you have to choose which dick is yours game show format dude japanese porn game shows are the funniest things on ████ earth what's what are you saying where you gotta you gotta see if it's a girl or your mom yeah i'm not sure if they still do this but i saw this years ago they have like this uh cutout and you just put a ████ in there right and this guy just starts ████ every single ████ oh no and then he turns around

21:33 it's the wildest thing ever dude it's a real ████ it's the person's on the other end it's like a glory hole it's a glory hole but then it just does and then you just go away and you go baby baby and then it's like which one is your mom and then you start crying afterwards i feel like they've done every idea possible that has gone to that point that even that's done so they need to think of something else now the best one is when they faked a ████ uh what's called a trailer exploding do you guys hear about that one no no so this girl she's about to do a scene she goes into her trailer and it ████ exists she dies her partner's supposed to it's her her homegirl and they're supposed to do a gang bang as both of them get ████ but that's her best friend and so she's bawling but then the director comes up and goes you still have to do the scene

22:25 they're literally like face ████ they're ████ her and they're coming in her face and then the girl comes out and she goes it's a prank that's like this oh my god the girl has like nut all over her face and she's mad at her friend and she's like just he's always like come on it's the best who is this for he was on what's that effect it was on that one yeah don't don't avoid me he's acting all surprised he's sobbed

23:19 you

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