0:00 [Music] welcome patreon people to ████ up news oh wow no it's the only show where we share some ████ up or weird news sometimes it's ████ weird news sometimes it's ████ up news can it be both at the same time today it might be a little bit of both so a man was a man has died in brazil after jumping into a lake to escape bees only to be opened by piranhas god the fact that we're all laughing yeah that's a good pit bro ████ out of here yeah dude in brazil bro that's hilarious this is safe you got to get away from these ████ bees man what's the worst death is the question yeah that's some looney tune sherry you're ████ whatever you grab a straw so you go in the water
0:51 and then you ████ get eaten dude this is tom and jerry there's actually like a buddhist proverb like this where this dude he's running away from a tiger and then he sees a hole and he ████ jumps in it and when he lands in the hole it's a pit of snakes and then i don't know the rest i don't know the ████ rest of it someone's gotta help you with this it's a problem every everybody sounds exactly the ████ same everybody in china saw the store they're like no ████ you ████ idiot no ████ ████ chinese papa always say run from b die from [Laughter] no ████ ████ of course man you ████ idiot i know so he was fishing with friends when he uh fishing for piranhas with friends he's like oh i know piranhas are in here perfect he was fishing with friends and then they were being chased by bees were like ████ with the bees that's what i
1:41 want to know no no no it was just just swarming bees came oh ████ and then uh this ████ ████ he jumps into the lake and is like basically swarmed by piranhas oh my god was he the only one that died he is the only one he's the only one jumped in the lake his friend his friend's like whoa just to be a ████ idiot it was just two bees i used to uh uh have an illegal fish business with my buddy and i would sell see every time he says something dude i have no idea where he people say that you lie about your stories this ████ f█████'s like you know what's funny the funny thing is david always gets accused nobody doubts me no never and it's not until you meet the people where you're like oh so david was telling the truth talking about this yesterday yeah we're like we'll just
2:32 randomly meet somebody from like a crazy david story and it's like oh my god that that really did happen and no one questions me ever no it feels like when i was a hot hot air balloon salesman nobody even doubted it i was like yeah yeah probably but i used to work at dunder mifflin but bart can back me up on this i sold our friend a batch of piranhas sorry what right you sold your friend what a batch of piranhas where did you get a batch of piranhas so you had to get it from a wholesaler no okay of course the wholesaler will typically be maybe someone who's in the fish business and in the back of their store or they have other fishes that they're not the exotics yeah and then we knew a family friend that uh owned a fish store right by taco bell but it's no longer
3:23 there anymore but in the back you know he had piranhas and all these things and in the way that they smuggled them as babies they were small right so you raise them you grow them and then you have full-size piranhas to sell and you have other fishes too that are legal but anyways piranhas was my ████ i love selling them because people love to watch them eat yeah and then and then so i would sell piranhas and and the thing is piranhas they don't actually attack humans as much because they're really skittish fish they're scared like i could ice i like doing this thing where i stuck my hand in the piranha tank and everyone would be like oh my god you did that in the ████ piranha tank and they don't they don't bite me because they're scared of me right they're racist they hate japanese people exactly but when you when you throw something into sushi [Laughter] when you throw some goldfish in there they go ████ crazy how much would you sell a piranha for yeah what is the market price man yeah because i would
4:14 sell them in batches and ████ but it was like only a couple bucks what that's like that's it per per person so it's like two three bucks each or whatever how many how many of these are you selling in a batch people will buy like 10 sometimes 20 because like it's cool when you buy them in a in a pack yeah so it has to be volume yeah yeah yeah yeah but i mean what you're in high school right so you're making these in high school dude what the ████ it's a it's a high school fishing club that's what i did piranha salesman is a high school illegal put on a salesman you sold okay you sell weed a little bit x you're seeing some ████ problems you had a store bro you're one of one dude no connection to either one of them it sounds crazy but it's pretty normal though back in those days right no you don't have to have his back on this yeah because we're all the same people so like the wii the ecstasy fire on it
5:04 you know the fact that you guys have a client basically by piranha stolen sound systems from cars it's all part of the same thing illegal ████ yeah like black ████ it's it's a black mark you guys are the silk road right here opening up your coat and then you have two piranhas on your fingers like this which one do you want they're all wiggly oh they're like on the finger i hope i get a sale [Laughter] i'll take four dollars but they're actually very scared of humans like you could stick your hand in your scared of this guy they were just waiting maybe he was bleeding all right these guys are also wild ones so if you get ones that are in the tank they breathe they get kind of a little bit gentler or softer or whatever these guys are right they're city piranhas this gentleman definitely disagrees that piranhas aren't really deadly to humans
5:54 um and the police say that they found uh his body and he had no face anymore okay so this is where i wanted to get to ████ the way piranhas eat this is it's ████ vicious right so you throw goldfish in or a bigger fish doesn't matter the way that it works is they they first attack the limbs and the stomach yeah they go straight for the stomach they rip the guts out and then they start ████ up the fins and things so as the fish is swimming they're trying to get away but then they come in they're like punks that come up and sucker punch you and run away right so they come up as a script run rip and run yeah they rip and run so you'll see these ████ fish which just guts dangling while they're still swimming and i'm like eat the ████ fool like hold don't just leave them there that's something awful i think it's slowing down yeah but then i ended up not liking egg i wondered like the brazilian guy
6:44 was like george said what told me to say [Music] [Laughter] dude who would have ████ thought joe was the expert on piranhas like this although out of every anybody in the room that's probably what i already guessed maybe ryan i was like but they're like cowards that's right they're tough in numbers so if there's like three piranhas they'll probably leave you alone a thousand they're not scared like proud boys in antifa yeah pretty much a little insane you know what a timely reference hey we're gonna ████ this guy up hey anybody here oh ████ oh no you're cool i was ████ wrong huh
7:42 was a swarm of bees or was it like two or three it really doesn't say it so i kind of just you know have some fun with it you guys watch those um amazon fishing shows it's called like river giants or rivers river monsters dude with jeremy's dude those guys i love that stuff dude the kind of fish that they get they look like dude i binge watched that ████ he has the worst set of teeth i've ever seen in my life is he british british is fun what's his name damn just put river monsters jeremy my kind of my kind of people it's like these folklore stuff with giant catfish like in the amazon or i think it was in the amazon something called the arapaima which is like this huge gigantic scaled armored fish it kind of looks like a sturgeon that's like something that he also hunted too does it have legs arms and legs literally like the the length of that table times two it looks like a canoe
8:32 it's a freshwater fish too well how do you ████ catch though fishing there's another fish that he caught in africa that looks like a piranha but it's like 20 times the size of it it's like a barracuda i think this is the one i don't know what the yeah this is his teeth though i got it for his teeth it's very similar to the vampire fish that's the that's the one that fish's teeth look better yeah they're straighter they're more yes 18 teeth just in the first round what fish vampire fish is that an underbite or an overbite i can't really tell that's a both dude yeah this ████ oh my ████ lord god doesn't show the size that is insane watch i turn around a picture of a huge dick i thought about it i thought about it that ████ oh my god what is that called vampire fish and that's just out in the river okay you're like scuba diving you see that what do you do i ████ punch him in the face dude
9:22 [Music] dude like hanging over your wallet real quick you're just like oh ████ what would you do to a fish in the world beat the ████ out of a fish though hey do you know how to underwater fight you go like that that's like this have you guys have you guys ever tried to ████ in us in a in a hot tub yeah of course it's the worst thing ever nobody when i was younger nobody ████ tells you when you watch those pornos yeah that ████ water and then ████ juice doesn't mix yeah it's wonderful it lubricates it i actually fingered a girl's butt in a housing one time i'm not kidding that was probably easier why but she wanted it in the butt yeah she asked for it she's like can you finger my butt and i was like absolutely like why did you even don't say this question make a statement yeah i was like don't make it unsexy yeah think of
10:12 my butt yeah all right [Music] you
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