0:00 [Music] Have you ever had? I have. Yeah. I've had at this whack place called Jooie. It's like It is pretty sick that boa time. Yeah. Jie time. Yeah. ████ J time. Do you guys not have enough for merch or Yeah. Yeah. We only have one hat right now. June time. He wrote June time. Times have been tough with the happy. He barely been sting out. He barely crossed it out. Like it still clearly says it's just June. You perfectly like didn't cross it out. Actually, I crossed it out with my eyes closed. June B divided by Boba. Collab algebra. Algebra Boba. Did you ask if this is the first time I had boba? Because I'm big time whitey from Indiana. Yep. That was very loaded question. He's our Karen of the Yeah, I get really offended. I get really offended.
0:51 Just have another sip. Hey, so uh Steve, this is Melissa Bonos. Yep. Very nice to meet you. Has anyone ever told you that you talk an awful lot like Ariana Grande and your man? And your hair. She's like, "Oh, no. No." She's like, "I'm not a ████ man stealer." If her voice was higher, maybe. Well, you know what I mean? But it's pretty stealer. Not like her. She's really talented. That's not like what you did to me. Like threw me under the bus and called me a big whitey from Indiana. I'm giving you a compliment. Thank you. Have you heard that before? that you got us together. Shouldn't be drinks that are bomb. Wow. So nice. You obviously missed the press tour for um ████ Wizard of Oz. Yeah, Wicked. Wizard of Oz. Wicked of Oz. No, I saw I saw Wicked. It was really good. Did you? Yeah. Do you like it?
1:41 Uh I wouldn't watch it cuz I'm not gay. Wait, wasn't that Well, then you're missing out on a lot of good entertainment. Didn't they make a really big marketing oopsie and have they put Wicked.com on the tour? Yeah, that was Yeah, last time you were the toys for sure. And it was a porn. Yeah, a little porn site. He'd been on there before. Those sold for a lot. Yeah, you could resell them on eBay. The ones that had a misprint. Yeah, interesting. Good segment. Yeah. Pretty sad though because if kids were going to those sites, dude, get them started early, huh? Didn't start early. They already know. They already seen it. He's like, "What kind of magic tricks are they doing?" magic tricks. When was the first time he saw porn, Joe? In elementary school, um my friend's like, "Hey, you want to come over my house later?" And I'm like, "Why?" And then my other friend's like,
2:31 "Oh, he's got pornos." No, he said he got playboys. And I'm like, "What's a playboy?" They're like, "You never seen a playboy?" And then it was a mission. It was like Goonies, but instead of treasure, it was like titties. And then I think this was like second or third grade. And after school, I was like, I'm going to see some titties today. And then like three of us looking at the clock for sweating all ticking by very slowly. We went to my buddy Aaron ████ litter. Aaron Ritter. Aaron Ritter was my friend's name. And dude, it was literally like Goonies cuz it's like there's there we even had our own sloth. His little brother was like autistic and blind and ████ And then this fool had like a rocky horse stick. Yeah. And then so the first thing we do is we get there and then like you have
3:21 to pass the first stage, right? And then so like he goes, "That's my brother, but don't worry." Like he he he's blind. He can't see you. He's autistic. I'm blind and ████ Yeah. He's the first He's the first stage. That's the first boss. Yeah. To before you get the reward. He already has status ailments. You got to play with him for five minutes before this. Watch my nose. You've never seen like an autistic kid like wild and out, right? So like this fool's on this rocking horsey and he's blind and he's just in a diaper and he's a big kid. He was older than us. So imagine he's going like this. He's stinging like that, right? What? Yeah. And then so we have to get past him or defeat him. No, we have to like you have to get the rocket horse. So he's blind. Who's the mage? And then like it's kind of like that one movie with the ████ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. hands hands labyrinth. So like he's like it's my brother but like
4:12 he can't see you so be quiet because if you tippy toe around him he's not going to be like oh someone's here right and he goes so we're in Veloc World War Z that's World War Z I was like I don't remember the pan guy doing that. It was scary. He was just ████ rocking on his horse. Bro, your teeth are I see you have to sneak past him. So, we have to sneak past. Uh-huh. And then we finally got through the garage. And then for some reason, he wanted to do a side mission where he goes, "Watch this." Right. So, we go in the backyard. He He has his little sister and he gets her doll. And then he goes, "Hey, watch this." And then so he gets her doll's
5:02 head and ████ starts swirling it in dog ████ No. And then just swirling it, right? And then Don't worry, it doesn't have to be in the microwave. Wasn't this originally about you watching porn? It gets there. It gets there. It get But we have to warm up. We have to build up. This is foreplay. This is foreplay. Foreplay is the right. I'm standing there, right? And I'm like, why is he doing this? And we look over at his sister. She's going and she's powering up to cry. But it takes like a minute. It takes a long time. And then during that time, my my friend Aaron's like he's laughing in tears while he's ████ stewing his Barbie dolls like dog like sister's Barbie doll head and dog ████ and then the background. Yeah. Yeah. And then he gives this to her.
5:52 This is still stage two. This is stage two. Oh my god. Right. No mage in sight. And then so like so she gets the tall doll back and she's looking at it and she ████ and she's crying and I'm like oh ████ And then his mom is like Aaron what did you do? And we're like oh ████ we're in trouble. And then we ████ run. Enjoy the porn voice. It's all watch you without me. He's like I told you you guys would would be alone. It's on Windows Media Player in the final stage. He just waits as he's getting taken awake. We go to the bathroom. All three of us are in the bathroom, right? ████ mom's mad. All this ████ ████ little sister crying and ████ Got dookie all over the hair. ████ we lock the door and then he ████ pulls out his dad's Playboy
6:42 under the sink. Yeah, under the sink. Like he just hiding secret. He just he just opens it up back, dude. Come on, man. And then all of us are just like, "Oh my god." And you just see you just see a naked lady for the first time and we're just like, "That's ████ crazy." Describe her body. Describe her body. What did you think? What was it? Do we have to? Yes, we do. We do. All I remember was it it was a blonde like and the boobies were big. Yeah. And I back then I like the boobies better than the I didn't even know what vagina was. I just kept looking at a boobies. and the next page and then it was a it was the next page and it was like wow movies were a big deal at that age. Yeah, they were a big deal at that age. And I think from that point on I was like I never grew up I love ladies. That's what I thought.
7:33 I love me some ladies. I was like I'm going to come over to your house all the time. All the ladies. All the ladies. Even these ones. How did that How did the second level with the distra how did that distract the situation? What the the girl crying? Is that how the It was a side quest. Oh, it had no nothing to do. But looking back, it might be that Aaron was like a mastermind and like he devised that so the mom had to like comfort the comfort the daughter or whatever and we could go do our thing cuz it does take forever to get poop out of hair. You know what I mean? The doll hair. We had a lot of fun though. Like it would always be like after school, what are we going to do today? All right, we're going to we're going to go through under his house. Like remember the little crawl space? Yes. Like the little uh uh you take the wire grading off? Yeah. So we took that off and then like he got his dad's like ████
8:24 like uh cyclops on it. Yes. The the the stethoscope. Yeah. Yeah. Stethoscope. No, it was like a flashlight. Third eye. Third eye. It was a flashlight. And we would put the flashlight. We're like, "Okay, we're pretending that we're like ████ you know, miners. Coal miners." And then the reward was I'mma look at his dad's playboy under the house. That's crazy. We have to find hiding places to work. Wait, but is that weird to look at it together with friends? Isn't that age? No. You ever been to a skate room? You got to work together. Every guy has We call it a jerk bud. Everybody has a jerk bud. You never heard of that? We don't look at porn for real. You never heard that? No. Sometimes Sometimes you get desensitized to your own hands, both of them, cuz you practice a lot. So you need somebody else. A bud jerk bud. But he's wearing a glove. No. No. Wait, wait. Your friend helps you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
9:14 Well, you're looking for each other, so it cancels each other out. It's like doesn't matter. I don't know about that. You build strong bonds. It's just your jerk, bud. It doesn't matter. How bonded are you all? Uh, we have I have already know these guys. That's like when you're like 13. You know what I mean? You're just jacking off your friends. I mean, we could define the relationship now. 13? That's too old. By 13, if it if if you're getting a man's hand touched on you, then you kind of get a man's at 13. Well, your your home your boy homie. Your boyfriend's hand. A man's hand. Your boyfriend. Yeah. Your boyfriend's hand. That's gay. Oh, okay. When you're prep, that's exploration. So, that's different. That's cool. Yeah. It's good that we defined all these. Explored. Yeah. Just explored. You guys were like Jacusto, man. That's hardcore, dude. How's Christopher Columbus,
10:04 brother? Damn. You're like Steven Spielberg with the ████ submarine going into uncharted territory, jacking each other off. I think it's Spielberg, but Titanic. I could be wrong. Close. Close. Close. Close. Close. Close for Avatar. He went to the Teriana Trench. He was EP. He was EP. He went to the Terry Trench. Really? That's also James K. He went to the pterodactyl trench. I think he's on to something. I think the one got him pterodactyl. He loves pterodactyls. That's why pterodactyls aren't Vietnamese, though. Yeah, he loves it. Depends who you ask. Is there an anime convention in there? When was your guys's first time? First time I went to my buddy's house. He his name was he was sick. He was uh Oh, Indian. Yeah. Yeah. His name was uh Oh, I thought you meant he was like he had a flu.
10:54 I didn't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Immature. Yeah. I was like, why would you go to your friend's house when he's like got the flu? Yeah, but at the time it's just, you know, it's a side quest. You know what I mean? What happened with Roger? Having the flu is a little different from autistic blinding ████ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fair. Bro, his little brother scared I mean older brother scared the ████ out of me. Before we continue next story, can you just do that imitation one more time and he's on the horsey? Yeah. I feel like there's a doctor watching this who's like that's exactly what it would look like. Yeah, he nailed it. Continue, Nick. Exactly. I diagnosed. I'm a doctor. I can confirm a older boy like junior high in a diaper just rocking back and forth like that and then you're just like what the ████ He's n he's just in a diaper.
11:44 And then I'm like, "What the f███?" I think at that age you'd be like, "Yo, I don't want to turn." And these guys were uh Japanese as well. No, he he's white. Yeah. When's he going to get off? A white kid. Aaron Ritter. That's way worse. It's way worse. Why that reaction? Oh my god. Why is it not as scary if they're Japanese? Oh, Japanese. It's funny. If they're Japanese, it's a horror film. Go ahead, Nick. Continue, please. Yeah. So, he downloaded this film, this one film on Lime Wire, and it was the first time I saw hardcore pornography. At this point, there's only a couple films. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember. I remember. It was a Heather Heather Deep. It was It was a It was a mil one. It was a mil one. And it was like the prem the scenario was mom is at the house her the son's friend comes over and he's like oh you've grown or whatever
12:34 the first was Bill poor I remember watching it and I remember this guy and I remember thinking like we've all seen it let's not lie yeah we've seen this one and then they start having sex with each other start sucking each other off and I was like oh my gosh his like his friend's mom like this is crazy. Did you think it was like a regular? I thought it was real. I thought it was ████ real. Is your wife older than you? Yeah, she's 20 years older than me. When you're Stop. Can I ask you a real quick question? 20 years. She's the one from the point. Jiujitsu again. Knock it off. She's very You're going to hurt your hip. When you and Tiff um are are having oral sex, do you say like, "Hey, you want to go in there and suck each other off for fun?" Yeah. As a joke. as a fun little joke. Intimate language. Love language. Words of affirmation. I haven't heard that.
13:25 You haven't heard suck each other off? No. I mean, as far as like Yeah. Doing stuff with my wife. I haven't heard that. How do you How do you bring it up to Mickey? Right. Each other. Yeah. Correct. It feels like an equal. Yeah. Exactly. It's like equal. You don't want to be like, "Do you want to suck only me up?" But then, but then it sounds like equal parts. It just sounds like equal parts. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I tell her, "I'm going to suck you up." That's what I say. like Dewey. I'mma gag you down, bro. I'mma swallow this time, girl. That's what I say. I can dig it. Yeah. You ready for that glug clock? I don't know about all that. That's a little too far. Okay. So, that's a very So, does that mean by the time you were older like you were just bored with porn because you already saw like No, no, no. He's watching Sailor Moon by the time he's older, bro. If my brain was scrambled from that, like my brain You're on New Game Plus right away. Yeah. I was like cuz I had seen I was like seeing Shaw Shank Redemption,
14:15 your first movie. No, I I had seen like softcore porn. I've seen naked ladies. Oh, so you had like pregame seen couples humping. But the first time I saw actual P and Ve, I was like, "Yeah, this is crazy." And I remember the dude This is This is hilarious. I remember the dude's tattoo. I remember this very It was And I when you got I remember being like, "That's ████ weird." Like it was a it was a bandelier around his leg of bullets and I just remember being like Peter North. That's weird. Peter North. That's Peter North. No, it wasn't Peter. I know Peter North, bro. That's not Peter. It wasn't him, bro. Oh, don't don't do that, dear. I know Peter North. Please. Listen, Glenda the good witch. We get it. Okay. She really like North is like the George Washington of American porn. Am I right, guys?
15:05 He found it. He found it. I'm trying to give you I'm trying to give you, by the way, they tried to make Peter North king. He said no. Yeah. Yeah. He was a founding father of King of the North. Who's the Who's the other big star guy? There's another Oh, the big guys. Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy's more of a Ben Franklin type. Ron Jeremy. I see you. Do you know? Not Ron Jeremy. You know who? You know who it's not? Galinda. Are there other like who are the other mega male firefighter? Oh. Oh, that guy. He's always a doctor firefighter. Yeah, that's the one you're thinking of, right? The baldheaded guy. I don't even know what he looks like. I know the name. Damn's name. Hey, Google Mail Ports. Google No, don't do that right now. On the list. Johnny Johnny Sims. Johnny Sims. Johnny S. That's the name I know. Johnny S and Yeah. Work.
15:55 You know his work. But I don't know this other guy you're talking about. We only know the guy. He was the Johnny Sins of our era. He was really into anal. Do you remember the old Do you remember the old laundry detergent commercials where he's like where the guy's like, "Hey, I'm Peter North and I know a lot about loads and you should probably use Tide." What the hell? This can't be real. No, seriously. Yeah, it was a weird campaign for a while. Weird. They had to pull it after like 3 weeks. That looks like a Hallmark like comedian card. I hate it. That's Aris's goat. That's his goat. That's his goat. Yo, he looks bashful right there. That's a bad picture. Hey, the real him might be a little bashful. Such a cute word. The hell are titties? So, this is the one with the tattoo. No, that's not him. He was trying to car character assassinate me. I'll find that guy. His name should have been Peter Buckets. Peter loads. Peter Laundry.
16:46 Um, Peter Tide. Peter Tide, brother. Uh, but yeah, that was the first one I saw. I know. This is the guy you saw. That guy. That's not him, dude. Who's that? That's very You remember more than a tattoo? Who's that? He's actually He's actually I showed him cuz that's that's actually a guy who he's from Gayorn, bro. Honestly, you can't you can't forget that. You can't like that's burned into my brain. No, what's you know what the craziest story and not to blow up your spot, but my buddy here got caught jerking off the Frozen the movie. That was pretty crazy. You know, you know when Olaf, you know who Olaf is? The snowman is when he starts melting when he starts. Dude, his wife walked in while he's jerking it in the frozen. He had a bandelier, but did he have also did he have other words?
17:36 I don't remember. Everything is truthy. On that tattoo. So there was no other words on Cuz it could be this guy if there were words next to the bandelier. Dude, Jesus. Not that guy. No bandelier on his leg. Bro, who is this guy? Why? That's a good tattoo. That's have like a Bible page. Yeah, it says it's it says it's Thessalonians. Thessalonians. What about you, Melissa? When was the first time you accidentally stumbled upon pornography? You Google image penis. I heard she's never seen it ever. Just type in Johnny. I think everyone's seen porn before. Yeah. Be honest. I'm mean, man. It was not till high school. Wasn't until high school. That's fair. Sophomore, junior at home. My parents are at work. Oh, so you did
18:26 it on your own. Nobody introduced you. I looked it up on my own. You didn't even have to get through any bosses. She went to Google images. She just wrote sex on Google. [Applause] It's criminal. It's not fair. I think that's how girls do it, bro. I think that's how pirates. This is like when pirates like yesterday here find out about GPS. Are you ████ kidding me? ████ There's no Google at this time, remember? So, we're talking probably are we dialup? Yahoo. She wrote on dialup. Yeah. No, I don't think it was dialup anymore. Maybe. I don't think it was. Okay. I don't think it was. Okay. Ask G. But what sucked is that I didn't really know anything about computers at the time. So, I think I had gotten some viruses or something from it. And I didn't know how to clear history. So, my dad found out. Oh my god. Are you surprised your dad didn't go down for this crime? Her dad's like, Her dad's like, "When
19:16 this computer gets so gay?" She's like, "Johnny Sims, Sim Sims, that makes more sense." Sim City. Johnny Buckets. What did dad say to you? Johnny Bucket say anything, but he was like, Melissa, you can't download things without my permission. Firewall. Your dad's a firewall. Do you remember what you googy? No, I don't remember. Your dad was like, "Sweetheart, if you want to watch pornography, I have a lot of DVDs." Yeah, I have my own collection. You know, porn is offline, too. You got to hide it in the tax folder, sweetheart. Yeah. Got to put it in the morning. Is that it? Do you think Did he tell your mom? No. My mom would have killed me. I wouldn't be here today.
20:06 Wild. No. My friend did some camera op for a porn star and then um he was like dude his dick was like he was showing me like he was like it's like this like this ████ big and he's like it's like crazier in real life like pictures don't do it justice talk about another guy's dick like I know right and I'm like really that was the key feature and I'm like hey buddy let me tell you a real quick story checking if you were interested to hear about it first like I forgot we were high as balls and he was just I forgot how like he we came to this conversation this guy's ████ and I was like I was like who is this guy? Never heard of him and then he told me his name and then I started searching him on Instagram and I was like oh this guy and then you can you know how you could see people who are following and I'm like the most unsuspecting girl I knew was following him and I and then he
20:57 was following her back and I was like did they hook up? This is ████ weird. Yeah. Now you know she likes them big brother. Yeah. She like Yeah. Yeah. What made her so unsuspecting? Yep. Yep. Yep. Well, she doesn't come off as the type. They just know each other. But that is hilarious though, right? Like, how does that even work? Yeah. Do you know a porn star? First porn. Do you know anyone that's ever done porn like that before? No. We used to train with some girl who ended up doing porn and then like when they showed us the video, I was like, "Oh my god." You watched it? Yeah. They showed me a clip. Who's showing you though? Like the police? Huh? Yeah. No, it was somebody who trained at the gym and was like, "Hey, bro. Let me show you something." And I didn't know. I went in cold and he showed it to me and I was like, "Wait, that's ████ you know, so and so." Weird cuz you've seen her and interacted with her. Yeah, it was super weird and I could
21:47 never look her in the eye ever again. It's definitely very ass after that. I was like I was like, I saw your videos by the way. Were you like I'm a fan. I know you're very popular on the internet. Sign Can you sign this napkin? For some weird reason she's not coming to the gym. Crazy. Can you sign this napkin? I didn't I don't know what anything else you can sign right now. It's a crusty napkin. I don't know anything else. Weird when it's someone that's not even sexual in real life. For real. And I I didn't assume it and I just was like, "Yeah, it kind of blew my brains a little bit." It happened with with me and I's friend, not sexual ever at all and then we discovered like she had some person that like hated her and started to make like fake Instagram pages and put like stuff from her past on there and I was like, "No." I was like, "No way. That can't be that can't be real." follow like like and then I looked it up and it was like real and we were like dude this is her
22:38 like she's in this stuff kind of nice. Oh god. Kind of. Yeah, it was a good time. This girl would never ask my church friend on Asianths.com. Asian what? Thumbs. Asian thumbnails. They call it that because it's like a thumbnail style. Okay. Well, that's I was browsing it and then I was like there's a lot of different sections. Okay. There's gifts, there's thumbnails, there's videos. everything. It was crazy. Those are my favorite. Those are big files. It disrupted my my rhythm and flow, dude. What the heck? Wait, what do you mean? You had rhythm and flow in general. He was looking for something. And then he got Is it hard out here for a pimp as well or No, I was like, "What the ████ This is not who I think it is." And then like I This is not who I thought I was going to be jerking it to today, but I guess here we go. And then I after I sent it to my friend
23:30 though. Well, she was like same organization but different church, different region. You know how like there's like different city churches, right, of the of our network. So, she was in a different and then I showed I showed my friend, right? And he goes, "Dude, that's ████ crazy. She she did visit the church the other day. She had a fur coat on and she was acting like a celebrity." That's right. So, I was like, "A fur coat? She came to church with a ████ fur coat afterwards, dude." So, her whole style changed and everything. That's what Frank did in American Gangster got caught. Not sure. Uh yeah, you don't do it. Too flashy.
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