0:00 He starts beating the living out of me and I'm like, "Hurry, you know, you can't let not my leg, not my seven leg." >> Okay, we we've already established today earlier that uh some of us some of us have in fact stolen things in our life. >> Yeah. Maybe at earlier ages than others, but >> every year probably. >> What prevents you from stealing now? At this age, why don't you steal stuff? Cuz >> I'm a adult now. >> Morals. >> Yeah. Morals and adulthood where you understand ████ >> Responsibility. >> Sometimes my fantasy is good enough. >> So you heist it like a diamond like no
0:50 whatever it is that I want to steal and I I play it out of my head of like what if I were to steal that? And then I go that was good enough. I'll I'll pay for it. >> Do you think you're slick enough to get away with it now, though? >> Absolutely. >> I think not. >> I think you would be. I don't know about him. >> You don't think me? You don't think You think Wait, what? What is that supposed to mean? >> I think you'd be obvious >> if I stole something. >> Yeah. >> Why? >> I I don't know. >> You think I have a dumb look on my face like >> I don't have anything in my pocket. Don't take my pocket. >> No, I didn't. I didn't take anything, sir. >> Yeah. You think I'd just be like that? Just nervous? >> Yeah. >> Not too far off. >> You have to explain explain why me. you would I don't have to explain you. >> She thinks you're shady, dude. That's what it is. >> You think I'm shady? >> No, I think you're slick. >> Oh, cool. >> Another It's a positive word for saying shady. >> But like uh let's say like if in your
1:40 life now if you were a thief, like if you were still stealing stuff, what's within your proximity of like things you could steal now? >> If you were if you were that kind of person still >> get away with it. If I if I was a thief now, like like 40 years old, >> like in your in your day-to-day life that you have today, what's what's within reach of stealing? >> I would try to do the office space thing. >> What's that? >> Where it's like you siphon just a little bit, but a ton of it and no one no one doesn't hurt anybody, but you get millions and millions. >> Okay. >> Well, who are you stealing from? This is your office. >> I don't know. I would figure it out. >> I would figure it out. >> That's That would be the goal. Every place you go to is a thing you own. >> So yours is a money thing. >> Yeah. >> Cuz like for me, I would like I would go to like >> Cuz stealing as a 40-year-old is different than like, "Oh, you see that new Nautica jacket?"
2:30 >> Yeah. But for me, it's like >> at the at the dance studio that like we like partner with and I rehears all the time, they always have like vending machines and because they stock their vending machines in the stock room, there's just like giant boxes of processed foods that like I never touch. But I always look at it and I'm like, they wouldn't be mad at me if I took those gummy bears or those hot Cheetos. >> Well, that's as an almost 40-year-old person. >> Yeah. Well, versus stealing money from your own business. >> Not my own business, but like let's say from my >> Well, he's asking he's asking the reality in your dayto-day life, your actual situation right now. >> Cuz like, think about it. Like, if we were like uh like like if it was me, right? >> Yeah. >> Um I I I have a key to this office. Obviously, I would be stealing stuff from here. >> How many wigs he could steal, dude? cuz easy steal or like um >> you try >> I've stolen something each time I've been here. >> You have? Good. Good for you.
3:21 >> Pepper grinders the whole time. >> Pepper mills from here. >> I steal napkins. >> Stealing. >> I do that, too. >> This is how much of a ████ how much of a a dad I am now. >> Okay. Yeah. >> I went to the bathroom during Taika's ████ uh soccer practice. Uh-huh. >> He goes across all urinals and goes >> washes them all. Yeah. >> I go, "Why would you do that?" He goes, "It was fun." I'm like, "You know how much water you just wasted?" >> I'm like, "You're literally stealing from the city." That's what I said. >> Okay. It wasn't lame until you said that. >> And then when it came out of my mouth, I'm like, "Damn, I'm ████ lame. What the f███?" Cuz I remember the joy of being a kid, you know, taking the wet paper towel. ████ this place. I'm like, ████ I'm like on the other side now. >> Oh yeah, it's true. >> Boring. >> It happens to the best of us.
4:12 >> We were at this nice restaurant last night and they had these really cool plates and then we were like contemplating like kind of like >> how big your purse? >> Yeah. You think you could fit one in? >> You think we could? Cuz they look like special pieces, you know? But we didn't do it. We pussied out at the end. >> If I was to take something now, it would be tools >> from where? >> Home Depot. Oh, you'd be one of those dudes that just push it in the cart and walk out. >> Not push it in the cart and walk out. I just I just I would just I would just walk out with it. >> Oh, so you just >> So the only variable is there's no cart in your scenario. >> You would just be holding it with your hands. >> He's like that's what gets you caught is the cart, dude. You never walk. >> But other than that, other than that, I wouldn't do nothing else. >> I wouldn't want wood or still nothing else. I just want tools. Cuz it's tools
5:02 are just one of those things where yes, you really want it, but you're not going to use it all the time. So, it's like buying for it. You're really contemplating every time you buy. You're just like, "Ugh, $200 for this impact gun. Like, when will I ever use it again after this one project?" >> I would love to steal a pressure washer. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Your car every day. >> Sick. >> Have you ever rented the one from Home Depot that you can >> We rent Okay. We rented a carpet cleaner. That ████ was sick. A rug doctor. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Or is it better than a rug? >> No, the rug doctor. >> That ████ is lit, bro. That ████ is so fun. >> You use it on your upholstery. >> I was like, "Look, it's clean. It's Look at all the dirt I picked up. Don't step on it. Wet. >> Did you steal that?" >> Never give it back. Like, oh, they have a deposit box. >> Your your information. >> That is adulting. >> No, but that that was sick. That was actually one of the highlights of my year so far. Rug doctor.
5:54 >> Nice. >> I'm going to get one of those pretty soon. That's cool. You, man. You made it. I think I the the I stopped stealing when I was like I I took I didn't know what I was doing yet. I was like five or six. I took like the the uh Juicy Fruit gum from the checkout. >> Oh yeah. >> And like Albertson's. And then when I got home I just like had it on the shelf and I just kept eating it. And then my mom's like I didn't get you that. And then I was like yeah I just took it. And then they my whole family we went to the living room and then we had to pray. And then she's like, she's like, "Okay, we're going to pray about this now." And then, uh, she's like, "Dear, dear Jesus, please teach Ryan not to steal and take things that don't belong to him." >> And you're just sitting there like, >> "Yeah." >> And I felt like, so I then I got my
6:45 first understanding of it. And then in like in school, I think it was like second grade, there was like a a story like a short story we had to read and it was I think it's in like a bunch of like Bible devotionals, but it's a story about this kid who like really wants roller skates like super bad and then like take it takes like all year for this kid to like save up money or allowance to like buy these skates and then um and then like the kid was like short like like 50 cents or something by the end of it. But then like the kid knelt down to pray to the Lord and then uh I guess like under his her knee when she knelt found was like a like a 50 cent coin. >> Okay. >> JFK on it. >> Yeah. And I was like that's really cool. But then like for some reason I equated how long it took to buy these skates to like oh like that would suck if someone just stole the skates and then
7:36 >> they wouldn't be there when she finally came to buy them. And then like I felt so sad. So then I was like yeah I don't want to be Jack and stuff. cuz it's like it made me have like a empathy for like items like that. Like oh that's very like cute that you know someone worked so hard to finally get something legitly. >> One of the times I got my ass beat the worst was uh in fifth fourth grade. Um so I used to only see my dad's on Tuesdays and Wednesdays cuz they're divorced. >> And then I knew that I had the most leeway with my dad around. >> So I'm like, "Oh, before we go to McDonald's, you always go to McDonald's on Tuesdays." I'm like, "Uh, can we stop by like Savons? I have to get some stuff. He goes, "Okay, sure." So, we go in and I bought the stuff. He gave me like five bucks to buy the thing that I needed, but at the same time, I stole maybe like I don't know 10 or 15 mechanical pencils and the mechanical erasers. You know, like when you're in
8:26 the fourth and fifth grade, like that kind of stuff matters. >> So, I had a ████ ton of like I stuff my I stuff my pockets, right? >> We go to McDonald's and then my dad goes to order. I'm going to use the bathroom. As soon as I go in the bathroom, I go into the the pooper stall with the toilet and I start opening all the packages so I can reduce my packages. >> Oh. >> And then uh the door boom kicks open and my dad's like, "What the ████ are you doing?" And like Chinese. He starts beating the living ████ ████ out of me and I'm like, "Hurryick, not my leg. Not my seven leg." Yeah. He's like, he was like, >> and he goes, "You're my son. I know everything that you're doing. >> Takes me back. >> He lifts up his shirt. He has a bunch of mechanical pencils. He's >> He took me back to Savons. He took me in and he goes, "Call the cops on him right
9:16 now. Call the And they're like, "Sir, sir, we don't have to. >> It's not that serious." >> He brought it back and took like Call the cops. He stole Take. He's putting me out of business. >> I will erase you. >> Wow. >> Yeah. He beat the ████ out. >> Wow. That's crazy, Dad. All he did was hear the He always knew. >> Well, don't you think you know everything about Ta? >> Not to extent my dad knew about me. >> So, if you if you guys if you and Ta were in different stalls and you heard the same sound, you you would >> No, he was outside ordering. I'm in the bathroom by myself. >> So, he already >> But he just had a spider sense that >> to kick the door down off first instinct is he knew >> just bark taking a >> Oh my god, he was that. What if he just got lucky that time? >> Yeah. He's like, "Oh, thank God." >> He just had a hunch >> like boom. I knew it.
10:06 >> Yeah. >> Maybe he saw the outline in your pants. >> Maybe. >> What if he didn't know you were in there? He had a ████ hell of a bath. >> And then he's like, "What the hell? >> I ████ knew it. >> Bart stealing. >> I thought you were pooping." >> I beat the living ████ out of me. >> Did I tell you about when he caught me with weed? >> Ooh. like how he So I and when I was a freshman, I was slaying weed, right? And this is the this other mind-blowing thing. >> I thought I was a genius cuz I got um Old Spice deodorant, like the one that's this big. >> I rolled it all the way to the top, cut the top off, >> cuz you know the bar is like this big. Now I cut the top off. Now it's like this. Then I push it all the way through, put the weed in a Ziploc bag, put it underneath the bar. So if you look at the deodorant, it just looks like >> That's great. >> And I would think, "Oh, cool. The deodorant will cover up the smell." No
10:57 one will know. >> That's pretty good. That is really bad. >> This is me as a freshman. I'm sitting there sitting there ████ watching TV. My dad comes in the living room and he goes, "What's this? >> What the ████ Are you kidding?" >> I was like, "What the f███?" And then he was like, "When I come back from work, cuz he worked night shift at Commerce Casino." He's like, "When I come back from work, we're going to talk about this. I know what that means." >> So, as soon as he leaves, I packed all my bags around. >> I'm like, >> "Was that your normal deodorant?" Like did he not was he like he don't use Old Spice? >> What if that's all it is? He's all we don't use deodorant. >> Guan stink. >> I don't even know how he found that. >> Wait, so did you were gone for the night? You didn't even come home that night. >> I didn't come home for like 2 weeks. >> That's That means he's probably looking through every stupid thing like all the time. >> Yeah. I didn't come for two. That was
11:47 crazy. I don't know how he knew. I'm like when I run over from home, I want to mean it. I mean it when I run over from home. >> Where were you at for those time? >> At my homies home. Oh, >> I was at my homie's house and then uh >> and then uh my and I was cool with my homiey's mom and then I was like, "Hey, if my parents came over, you just tell them like blah blah blah." And then so they they showed up at the homies house and I was upstairs like all scared and ████ He like, "Oh, no. I haven't seen them." >> Really? >> That's wild. >> That is wild. >> That's tight. >> Well, cuz what if someone lied for Ta? >> I don't know. I have no idea. >> Would you get Yeah. Would you go off on that parent? >> If they covered for Ta. But but if Ta was like, "My dad's beating the ████ out of me." >> That is pretty wild, though. Imagine if you were looking for Ta and then your his friend's dad was just like, "I ain't seen him." >> And that is wild. >> Cuz you would think you have the parent pack, right? >> Exactly.
12:37 >> Yeah. >> You have to have the pact. >> And then it feels illegal. >> I know, right? Which team are you on? >> Not good, >> right? You can't lie about ████ harboring a fugitive or something. >> And it's an underage. Yeah. That's like >> unless the kids home is dangerous maybe. >> Oh well. >> You know what we're doing upstairs when my dad came? >> We're trying to play this game where uh so it's like three of us. We're watching pornos to see who gets a boner first. >> Lock them up, dude. Get these kids out of here. Watch them. It's not a real game. >> We're like, okay, let's see. >> You never play that. Let's see who has the most control. >> Also, is it like the honest is it like the honesty game where you're like, "Oh, I've got I'm me first." Or are you watching each other's? >> Yeah, you're trying to get it. I don't think we thought that far. >> Oh, you're not Oh, you're not trying to get it or you're trying to get it? >> No. No. We're trying to We don't want to. We want to be in control cuz we're ████ 15-year-old men.
13:27 >> Okay. >> But then you like, "Oh, no. You lost." >> Yeah. >> And then we were we're we're playing this porno on like a VHS tape and then we're like, "Okay." We're all sitting there watching it. >> Stay porn or gay porn? >> Straight porn. >> Dude, when I was at that age, you put the VCR in, I'm already hard. You know what I mean? I'm already pricricked up. >> Any tape. >> I smell it. Yeah, >> I saw the future. >> I just read the thing. I'm like, I'm >> do it. I don't
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