0:06 Welcome back to another episode of Careful Boys where we have um parents expert Bart Quan. >> Yay. >> That face, not Bonos, even though she got a she's a parrot. [laughter] >> You think freaking Taika's faces are original? They're all from you. That is such a Ta face you just made. >> Really? I do. >> That smile. [laughter] If there was something that your parents could magically understand without you having to explain it, what would it be? >> Oh, like something we wish they could understand or something >> they'll just from now on they'll just understand that forever and you and you'll never have to like tell them like you don't have to go through the burden of helping them understand it. They just get it. >> It'll be cool if they if my mom knows why I hate her. [laughter] >> Oh my gosh. >> That would be pretty cool.
0:56 >> Is there one reason? Yeah, >> it's not one, it's a whole book. >> Let's say that. Um, what what would what does that look like to understand? >> Um, so obviously I love my mom, right? >> But you hate her. >> But I also hate her >> and I've told her I hate her. >> Yeah. >> That's something that me and my mom have been trying to work on is our relationship. >> So like I told her like the way I like to work on things, we have to be >> uh very transparent. >> And so I may say things with not that much tact, but take it matterofactly. and if you have any feelings or impulse reactions, ask questions and we'll figure things out both sides, >> right? >> And then so um I told her, "I love you, >> but I also hate you." And I told her like, "Not now." And obviously I feel responsible for you and if you ever needed to move in and all that I'll take
1:46 care of and do all that stuff, right? But that's not the the most important thing is like just this this there's this emotional because you know Asian parents they always compare like oh you know like Auntie Lisa her and her daughter and then you and me and I'm like well if you want daddy daddy >> we don't have the same upbringing as daddy >> yeah fix all that ████ >> to get there and then so that's why I had to start that and that kind of like opened up like chapter one chapter two like this is why we're not close this is why you don't really know who I am. And if you don't know who I am am, you're loving the image of your son and not really me. >> And I used to have to have like a fake identity to even be your son. So that I was kind of lying to you, too. >> Yeah. >> We have this fake relationship. And then now that I'm 41, I'm a completely different person that you think cuz she
2:37 still brings me ████ pineapple cake. Oh, you said your f it was your favorite. And I'm like, I only said it was my favorite cuz I don't want to get my ass beat every time. [laughter] over pineapple cake. >> Your favorite. >> And I'm like, I ████ hate those, Mom. I told you. [laughter] >> I ████ told you I hate those. >> And I only said I like them because you whoop my ass. [laughter] >> I can see the benefits of her just automatically understanding. And now that with the years that you have left together, you could just be cool. >> Just fast forward >> and she understands who I truly am. I understand who. Well, actually, I know who she truly is because I was on the receiving end and I've like been watching since I was a kid. But if she could know who I am, then I could bring her closer into my life. She could be closer in Gio's life, Tao's life, all like the the end result that we want. You know, >> it happens sooner. Yeah, that's true.
3:28 Cuz then the reality of it is it's probably going to take a while to like rebuild it from where it is now. >> A long time. And I think we would have to do like like her um live with us for like weeks on end to improve a little bit >> and then take a little break cuz I'm going to get burnt out and then maybe next quarter she lives with me for another like week or two. >> You evict her for a little bit. >> Yeah, [laughter] evict her for a little bit. Go back and then continuously like work really hard on it. And I almost have to make that like a priority. Um, and the bandwidth would be like I might even have to take a pause on the relationship I have with Tao or Gio cuz it's going to be so draining and exhausting. >> Yeah. >> You know, cuz like I have my mom has lived with me twice so far >> and [snorts] each time it's like Gio
4:19 knows that's the priority and she can't tell me any of her thoughts or how stressed out she is from that day or anything cuz me and my mom are talking all day long. >> It's your bandwidth is spent. >> We have so many trigger points. >> Yeah. You know, it'll be like we'll be making breakfast. Boom. It's a fight. Over here, that's a fight. That's a fight. So, all day I'm just everywhere you look, bite up a cake, bite up a cake. >> Yeah. I'm just so ████ exhausted, you know, all ████ day and I'm like, Jesus ████ Christ. But I know we're working at something, so it's worth it. It's worth the turmoil. >> I respect you for knowing how it is and still walking into it. >> Yeah. >> Because it's worth it to try. >> Yeah. >> That's really That's actually very cool. >> Yeah. But then I can't be here. No. No ████ from Gio or or Ta. I'm like cuz I'm ████ stressed the ████ out from just being a whole day with my mom already. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> Damn. Yeah, that's a good one. What
5:10 about you, Joe? Anything that your mom or dad could just magically understand? You don't got to explain it. I think >> um yeah, I think if if I could nail it to one thing, it's >> being able to discuss instead of filling the blanks with what they think I'm thinking. >> Oo. >> So, like >> that's a big one. >> Oh, >> damn. >> They'll jump to conclusions and I'm like, where did you get all this? And then I realized that they had a whole like they had a whole process that they went through. And then most people would be like, you know, like for example, like like if if I was like, you know, Bart doesn't like cilantro. I'll be like, I wonder why that is. I'll call him up. Hey, Bart, HOW COME YOU DON'T LIKE ████ CILANTRO? And then he'll say,
6:02 man, it tastes like soap. Oh ████ really? It tastes like soap to you? That's crazy, man. and then I'll move on. >> Yeah. >> The way their brains work is they'll ████ tell you why cilantro like why you don't like it instead of asking you. And they'll have a whole thing like ████ they draw too many conclusions and I'm like you didn't even have to get there. It would have you would have just you just had to ████ call me up and say like >> oh >> why why do you do it this way? >> Yeah. >> Take my ████ answer for what it is. M >> you know and instead of like thinking that there's some other reason or like so cuz to me I'm like then what's the point of having an interaction if you're not going to believe anything I say >> if you're going to make up your own mind you're having a relationship with
6:53 yourself. So it's your own brain dang >> that creates whatever response you think I'm going to do >> whatever image you think I'm going to have you know like >> so then it's like why ask anyway. >> Yeah. and whatever you actual said don't even >> it doesn't matter it's disregarded so it's like do you want to talk to a mirror all day because you can that's the same thing you know >> but I think there's something with maybe seeing you as an older person cuz they're so used to you being like a toddler and they had to try to figure out what this toddler needs >> and then like they'll draw their own conclusions and it's >> yeah but I I also think they were never taught how to think logically so like um they don't know how to tell the difference between faith, fact, and like they don't have the critical thinking to decipher is this true or not.
7:44 >> So sometimes they'll mix opinion with truth, right? >> Oh. So, like for example, they'll tell me like um my mom was telling me that my aunt was was selling her her property >> and I realized in the conversation my mom was injecting her own opinion as if my aunt said >> Oh, okay. >> And I was like, "Wait, wait, wait." I was like, "Is that what auntie said?" And then she goes, "No, that's not what she actually said." And I'm like, "Then why did you why did you say it as if that's what she said?" And she goes, "No, no, no, no. That's what I think is she's saying." and then checked. It would be like a direct quote. >> So, yeah, it it it it's it gets confl. It's kind of like they're playing telephone, but they're ████ it up so hard because they're doing too much of like I think this is what she means. >> And I'm like, bro, like just give me the
8:34 information that she said, and I'll try to make my decision based on that >> instead of like her her what she said, your opinion, and then you say it as if it's fact. And it's you say it as if that's what they said, you know, and I'm like that's why you guys have so much conflict is you guys muddy the ████ out of it. >> Yeah, that's messy. >> And I think that it's not their fault, but their whole generation can't process like like whether they read it in a newspaper or the church leader said it or their friends said it, they it's all fact. >> And if you challenge those thoughts, >> then they take it personal. cuz I'm not a ████ idiot and it's like no ████ it's not about you. >> It's like [laughter]
9:24 I'm challenging the source of that material. You know what I mean? Like >> and so I think they don't know how to do that. >> Whereas like maybe in the western mind it's like >> you try there's already there's already concepts for like hey you have a debate. >> Yeah. >> Check your sources. Where did you get that from? >> Right. >> Like are you sure? like how do you know that information? Whereas I think Asian boomers like >> they see that as a challenge to their like personality. >> That's so accurate. It's insane. Actually, >> my mom will send me videos of like where the economy is going and like forecast on crypto, gold, all that stuff. >> And it's from a ████ psychic. >> Oh. I'm like [laughter] I'm like dude like like if you send me something from like a renowned economist or something I could there's things I
10:14 can actually talk to you about. But if someone is going based off of feelings or how many owls they saw yesterday, [laughter] I'm like, dude, how the ████ am I going to have a real conversation? >> Bitcoin going up. >> How many Bitcoin do you have? Oh, three times. It's going to go three. [laughter] Like, dude, >> it's going to 3x. >> I'm like, how the ████ dude? That's when I realized their reality is so ████ because of that reason. >> Cuz like >> their belief system, everything is like >> they don't know what reality is cuz they can't filter like truth to imagination and >> someone's opinion and like that's not factual, dude. But like >> how many things in a row would have to be correct for you to believe a sidekick is legit? >> None. [laughter] What if like your mom
11:05 came to you for like with six very specific things from her psychic and they were all right? You wouldn't believe the psychic. >> Okay. If if we're talking about that, it just needs to be two >> two >> two. But they have to be highly specific >> where the variables are controlled cuz usually they're so general. I'm like that's no wonder you're accurate >> cuz they're like >> or it's a high probability guess. >> It's like oh your son lives in Vegas. I don't think it's gonna rain very long or [laughter] it's not have a very wet house. I'm like, "Yeah, no ████ I live in ████ Vegas. >> Not going to have a wet house. [laughter] >> It's like you." >> But my mom gets her brains blown by that. Like she'll receive a reading and she's like, "Whoa." And she'll tell me and I'm always like, "What the f███?" >> But it's ████ like, >> "H, okay. Uh, this month you will eat
11:56 dinner." [laughter] >> What the ████ >> Yeah. What? I was planning to have dinner tonight. [laughter] >> Yeah. They're just not good psychics. >> It's just But my mom is so like gullible or so like I don't know. She just she takes it really really big. >> Yeah. What about you? Is there anything your mom I guess mom specifically would probably need more of the understanding. Right. >> The mom side. >> Um honestly I think a combination of of what both they both said. if if my mom were to understand why it's so hard to talk to her and that's a big umbrella for like all these other reasons, right? Like um comparison, you know, if if you're to just talk to some to someone and they just constantly compare you with another person, that's infuriating. >> Who do they compare you with?
12:46 >> Just like any cuz >> like every every scenario has a has a >> Yeah. Everything there's always like so and so she dresses way better. Yeah, there was one time I was in I was in college um or I was about to go to college and I I'm I was a communications major, right? And for an Asian family that's like ████ you're ████ >> Yeah. >> Like that's like you might as well just not go to school. >> Yeah, you might as well be born in Africa. ████ I remember her being like commun like I was like communications and she was like oh communications like she was like so upset >> and then um there were these these two uh this brother and sister that I had gone to Chinese school at at one point and they they they knew the parents. She was like well you know Daniel Tina's a nurse or whatever and you know Daniel he's a rocket scientist. And I was so pissed. I was LIKE A ████ ROCKET SCIENTIST. Like is that even a real
13:36 thing? >> Yeah. Yeah. Like cuz that's something you usually say like oh it's not like a rocket it's not rocket science a literal rocket scientist that's who you're comparing me to [laughter] >> NASA. >> I was so angry. >> I would be too. >> Anyone who really is a rocket scientist they always go uh it's actually aeronautics engineering. >> Yeah. >> Like they don't like to be called rocket science cuz it's not correct >> most of the time. But like if if if she could understand like I if you want to talk to me about you you not being happy with me choosing communications and having like a a true conversation about hey let's think about where this is going to take you. What what are your plans? Where do you you know I feel like that's like what a >> productive conversation would get you to versus >> why aren't you a rocket scientist? >> It's like you're being baited then. >> Yeah. Like that's not productive. So it
14:27 causes a lot of problems. That would be very nice for her to just if she just that locked in magically one day before you even knew it she came to you and was just like >> I'm sorry. >> Yeah, >> that would be crazy. >> It's never from ill intention. It's just it's the wrong way to do it. >> Yeah, >> that's all it is. >> But then >> when I started to speak to people their age and we can have a conversation and everything was refresh like it's fine, right? >> Yeah. >> That's when I realized my parents were just dumb. >> Not dumb. [laughter] Not dumb. They're just they're they're they're people who are learning just like we are. They're they're just human beings. They're not dumb. Joe, [laughter] >> we're all learning. >> Well, they always go like, "Oh, generation gap." I'm like, I just talked to a person 10 years older than you. >> Generation gap >> was completely completely on the same page. We
15:19 >> And they're Asian, [laughter] so you can't There's no there's no excuse. >> There's no ████ excuse. The way he said it sounds like in a courtroom when they say objection. Generation gap, your honor. >> Okay. [laughter] Sustained. >> Overruled.
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