0:00 [Music] i think if this next thing were to happen here it would be a total ████ show but um taiwan did a pretty good job taiwanese news accidentally reported that they were being invaded by china what a little that's oopsie that's a little bigger holy ████ they said jk yeah was it was it digital or was it like newspaper you know it was digital it was actually on the chinese television news what was the picture i was like apparently it was a ticker you know like the new stickers yeah so they they actually ran the wrong news taker which i think is meant for drills so it's like the simulation they're saving that for like six months from now it's like they're not gonna do this another six months yeah but listen to this this is what the tickers actually
0:51 said it said the chinese communists have stepped up their preparations for war and um it says new taipei city has been hit by missiles from the communist military taipei port has exploded facilities and ships have been damaged it is suspected that enemy agents have arsenized and planted explosives at bangkok train station what if it's what if they already knew this was gonna happen and then they just had that ready to go to hit yeah dude this happens like six nine months from now that's spooky dude that's gonna be freaking weird very spooky yeah dude so imagine reading that or imagine seeing the american version of that when you're just like watching the news and it just starts saying the statue of liberty has been decapitated sounds like a movie part two i feel like the people now be like man i hated that statue yeah anyway how do they do that
1:41 shot into the sky during a bombing you think americans would freak out probably oh yeah oh absolutely i just can't imagine it on our soil even though it's been like will pearl harbor 9 11 happened but then war isn't so close to home right war is something that you you you destroy a third world country like doing that not like here you know the closest thing that's happened at least in our lifetime is like terroristic attacks but not like all out like no invasion right because people would be stupid to invade america because not only the military's strong but there's a ton of citizens with guns dude you come to la the gangs alone are all strapped up you know no wait they gave all the guns back because it's illegal all right at the gun drive yeah they gave it back the buy back drive yeah the buy back turn in your guns i hope the asian hate
2:32 people are really productive like if we get really invaded by china those guys better be the first ones over there yeah but this is the problem with america they saw dumb we need the compton gangs we need the bloods and the crips to come help out in the west coast be at the real asians over there i'm american dude dude there's tanks on one side there's like six four impalas on the other side that is so difficult dr jane eminem's performing on top of a tank [Music] dude in war they would stop during christmas have you ever read uh stories of war time world war ii they
3:22 everybody stopped fighting during christmas to observe christmas so imagine everybody stop beyonce is going to perform we'll get back to killing each other in about 30 minutes oh my god we don't watch beyonce or black friday we all need savings right yeah we'll stop the shop and and if you shop on our camp it's tax-free [Laughter] do you think they would ever do stuff like that again like actually honor these like war codes yeah because like if when you look at the ukraine russia stuff they didn't follow nothing it's just like all war crimes all around yeah they're bombing civilians man that's crazy i don't even know i can't see christmas breaking that one up i think christmas can do the power christmas you don't underestimate the power of christmas
4:12 europe takes christmas so seriously they don't ████ around chris like we take christmas like we kind of like larp christmas like they take christmas like seriously we have a coca-cola christmas what do we got we have polar bears drinking coca-cola christmas yeah do you think that like gentlemen's a word like that honor that culture still exists i think it's all espionage and war like i don't think because back then it was like we're two gentlemen we can agree to not fight you know and then like it's like i don't know if that like that type of like masculine like i'm a man you're a man like we can you know i feel like it's like this guy turns around we gotta stay ready i thought it was christmas you promised i thought we were friends for this week i gave you a present yeah it's just a hole in the back stabbing
5:02 ████ i gave you that knife that you're stabbing me with try this jack in the box i swear that's all it is [Laughter] russia wins over that jack-in-the-box yeah i don't think uh i feel like that whole era of like pride in being a gentleman is gonski i think like once it leaves social i feel like the social norm you know like how for the longest time there was always like pushback about like women not wanting men to do like chivalrous things yeah and i feel like wait that's the thing yeah yeah i could open the door by myself thank you that's right even if you don't like personally i've never encountered that myself but just knowing it exists made me more careful like i don't want to interact with
5:52 strangers that i don't know in that way anymore but before it was cool to do that like just to be nice you know i think it's a myth now you just only the elderly get that now dude i forgot to open the car door for my wife the other night she gave me the death stare she's like are you not going to open the door for me like oh sorry i mean yeah let's touch the other side and open it for me yeah yeah dude you're a man dude closes the door for her dude and then closes it right before she walks in here that's what the conflict is between like trying to support feminism but at the same time like that type of male role like it's kind of weird it's like okay is it so it's offensive to do that but i open the door i keep the door open for everybody like i'm walking through and most people are very yeah i do it for everybody anybody can get it do you go to the other side and open the car door for her sometimes if she's being nice to do a whole lot if
6:43 she deserves it yeah if she's you know she's a whole lap and a half and then you do it yeah yeah yeah yeah i run around and i fake her out and i walk it back to my side you thought i was on the door for you it's not it just doesn't seem cool to be like a gentleman anymore in any like in any popular media other than not only do you got to open up the door i think you should open up the door get a get a footstool try and put that ████ on there so she can step you are the footstool [Laughter] that old thing with the coat that would be dope dude that's a myth nobody did that yeah can you imagine these days there's a puddle you go you want me to put my supreme jacket on the puddle for you yeah but this is 1200 on the aftermarket i know the travis scots right the pain of a flipper doing it man the resale my supreme umbrella no i'd rather get wet
7:34 it takes the value and down in half it's crazy our valleys change like a ████ what's that show like like if you watch like peaky blinders like you watch that show and it's just a novelty that they're that like gentlemanly which is weird it's like i wonder i wonder though because they still had espionage and all that but i think it's because they were um they all fought under the same conduct or like for example it's like austria hungary versus spain or something or like you know it's like two european powers same kind of set of rules but then if they if they're colonizing they don't use that same rule to go against natives or whatever genghis khan or whatever yeah like if they're going in it's like it doesn't different rules right and then and then if you're two countries that observe christmas they're more likely gonna
8:25 share that common thing right but if it's like if they're going to ████ ████ up a buddhist country or a muslim country they're like christmas oh you're gonna chill all right ████ you i'ma ████ you up there yeah that's true so i think everything turned into like guerilla warfare and like every man for himself it's like a different tactic everyone's trying to be a ninja these days you know i think the ninjas originated that navy seal ████ and now everyone's trying to fight like a ninja but you gotta think there's normal people in the army too right because they say we get drafted like if i have to like kill a kid i don't think i'm gonna be able to do it you know and he's the enemy that's technically against the rules though yeah oh is it oh it's against the rules you can't kill kids and children are women wait they're doing that now they are oh technically you're not supposed to check but you're not scoring points over it yeah yeah it doesn't look like a scoreboard you know if a dude's like begging for us like dude i got a family i got kids i'm like
9:16 fudge so do i dude yeah i was like fudge you know this is funny why am i even here are you training were you trained for that type of thing no they don't turn you can't those things it just the fish shows up it shows up when you do the rehearsals there's not like a person on his knees please please yeah i'm only and i'm english in korea [Laughter] please don't kill my kimchi farm now he sounds like boring very nice there's no training for like when people try to pull like an emotional ruse right i mean i'm sure for like those special forces people they do yeah there's there's um they're surveyed like they're talking to a lot of like um assassins right like whether they work for mercenary or like the government or they're like working for the mob and
10:07 then they say what are some funny things or like just odd things that happen some quirky things that happen yeah a lot of work what does a zenith work [Laughter] tell me one fun fact about being an assassin you know it's your most favorite killing i know so one thing that that makes a lot of sense but we don't we all don't think about it he goes like a lot of people when they're begging for their life they go i have family i have kids don't do this right and then but they always like thinking well we've had bad families that's why we're here and we also think that it's a favor to the kids to take your ass out because then you're a s█████ father right you're not this patient i'm doing them a favor and so he's like that just makes him want to kill him more right and i'm like what that's such a my fault because you wouldn't even be in this situation if you were a good dad yeah cause they're usually killing like
10:58 drug lords dictators or just like shady characters and then they do profile on them they're like oh this guy's a serial rapist or whatever they're like at the mo last moment they're like i have a family with kids and they're like oh they're better off without you imagine trying to gauge it though you're like how many different mothers he's like i have seven baby mamas public or private school like it's you're getting really into it name their middle names yeah yeah what are their birthdays and he's like oh ████ do you ever see those tick tocks where they ask the moms and dad stuff yeah yeah like they're like the dads guys don't know anything there's like four kids they're like what's the color of melissa's eye it's green and then like what's your eye color blue and the dad's like oh ████ stop taping i don't know ████ they don't know the name of the school yeah the school they don't know best friends
11:49 that could happen with uh with you with you and tyka in any way where you wouldn't know something that i mean i'm definitely dumb as a dad for certain things because i compartmentalize stuff and i think i think that's the difference between guys and girls i think girls it's like they memorize everything at the same time for dudes it's like i don't know where the ████ the soap is i know where my wife knows where the soap is so i'm out of soap i go hey babe where's the soap she's the soap person she's a soap person right file it under that right yes it's one degree away from your own dude my dad he met he he saw this lady at the store and he started talking to her and then he goes home to my sister and he goes hey i saw your roommate today i started talking about the at the supermarket and she's like who like whitney and he goes oh and he realized he was talking to some random lady who he thought was my ████ suspect at least she was talking to him he was like all right see you later
12:40 ladies and gentlemen i don't know who the ████ that guy is you guys are going to be so polite so ridiculous that's just bad ████ though isn't it this is bad ████ war dead ████ [Music] [Applause] [Music] you
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