0:00 thank you [Music] welcome back to another fantastic episode of those careful boys that was careful boys well we are currently off the Record and today we are talking about daddy issues but not just for girls daddy you shoot boys I believe is what we're talking about what the ████ is that by the way daddy issues everybody talks about daddy issue a little bit I think everybody talks about daddy issue girls but they never mentioned what about the guys is that right I feel like we've talked about your daddy if she was like 18 times on this show no but like a troll thing like with the whole world's not talking about like this do you think your daddy issues correlate to a relationship like your friendships and your intimate relationships and how so yeah problem yeah can you give us an example Trope of
0:52 like the dad the son and then the example Trope of a daddy issue girl is someone who has no real idea of what um a father or male should act like so they imagine that person and they never can get that person that they imagine and then they they also try to confine an older men because they need the replacement of the Daddy's love it's like a dependence yeah so that's the that's the whole kind of stereotype of like oh she got Daddy Issues that's why she's always going for like older dudes that are like you know whatever or whatever you know no Trusted Man or whatever it is yeah then what might be a Trope and or stereotype of a daddy issue for a guy in an Asian household all Asian household I think I think for for me it's like the because my dad was so seldomly
1:42 expressive about being satisfied with anything that I did that carries over I think I think you you have to like seek so much reassurance from a girl in the beginning I was like that I always needed who I was dating to have some sign that she still liked me even though nothing changed but I would be very like dependent on like hey like what's going on am I still cool with you like are you still interested yeah but it's like that's so annoying but that's because of my dad never expressing that so I always felt like I needed to check in so lack of control yeah a result of maybe that I think you just you're just not confident that you're doing okay because no one was ever telling you that it was like hey you're doing great kid you know reassurance or whatever yeah yeah oh interesting and a lot of Asian dads are like that they're very like Stern they're very like they're not they're not warm you know yeah yeah yeah
2:32 so you don't know how to communicate properly yeah you think something's wrong if if nothing if nothing's happening at all you think it's default bad mm-hmm yeah interesting because I never really thought about daddy issues if your dad stuck around but I can see that too because it's more like having that weird relationship but did you have abandonment issues I I would say I I don't know if I have full-on daddy issues because I had my father up until 14. oh okay and then so like at that age I'm kind of I don't I wouldn't say full grown but like you know your formidable years so like I don't I'm not I'm not growing up like wondering how like a two two like two parent household would work like because they did that as
3:22 a child and then we did have normal stuff I would just say like maybe the biggest thing I probably took away from that was every time there was an argument or it didn't work out then like it was easy to leave or then leave me it was just like you don't really stick around yeah okay so it was like the abandonment was like probably my way of like oh yeah it's just not gonna work out but then when I was with girls who have both parents like for them it's like oh it's we can work through this or if you have an argument you still stick around or whatever it's not like it's all over yeah yeah but I wouldn't know really I think I think when Colleen brought it up and said like guys with daddy issues I was like oh that's interesting because I don't really think about yeah you don't think about that yeah so
4:13 like what's the common thing yeah that you see in guys with daddy issues that you see a pattern of I think they overcompensate for what they think masculinity should be so well then I'm for sure got daddy issues you know what I'm saying wait what what am I that is hot I'm so attractive it works yeah um so like for instance like kind of piggybacking off of your experience like the lack of control or feeling like they have a lack of control or like guys who immediately go to like I want a woman who submits to me but they don't last time no what that means um yeah so yeah I think it's like a lack of true understanding of what real masculinity is because it they never had the example that's true yeah so yeah because some people would call
5:06 um they would misunderstand submitting as just pure passive agreeableness correct so if they don't have that then they have a lot of troll which means a lack of masculinity which then yeah I could see that the relationship Dynamic gets a little you know skewed if you say some stupid ████ people are gonna TR they should people close to you should challenge your thoughts and and your and your reasoning and stuff no a woman should never speak I agree are you Asian what the ████ I think you're right that's pretty true women should never speak they should always cool I'll just see myself but no we need that mouth dog I think you're right though I think like lack of control was a big thing now that I look back my first like few relationships I was super obsessed with like maintaining some form of control
5:58 whether it was false or whatever I just needed to like always I was the kind of guy that like if my girlfriend went out without me I was like I had anxiety I was like oh ████ like she's probably gonna meet somebody he's probably way harder than me if I could have more money he's probably gonna have a better car like it sucked to live like that to be like oh my gosh she's gonna leave me it's like a lack of respect for you right like you feel like she's not expecting you in a certain way because you're not receiving what you want to receive out of the the lack of control that you don't have yeah I think it really is just like a it's it is a daddy issue because I think for me my dad didn't make me feel confident like for some weird reason I think my dad just thought it was like like being confident was like an earned thing but then he wouldn't give me a fair shot he would just be like oh you gotta get through me
6:48 to be confident kind of thing so if I'm like if he's making fun of me or like jabbing me then it's like that's on me if I took it personal so then I grew up with that feeling of like oh man I'm not good enough and then when you try to have a relationship and you're not good with yourself then that ████ is just what comes out and it sucks yeah I feel kind of Lucky where um after my dad left I still had father figures like I like the church yeah like I have my uncle who was so the thing is my both my dad and my uncle had positions of well it kind of seems to be power like he's my dad sings at the church right so there's an audience and then my uncle he's a pastor at the church oh there's an audience so they're kind of like yeah in front of a stage yeah and then there were uh like my
7:38 cousin he's the oldest cousin out of the group he's like 20 years older than me but um he was super business he is business savvy and then he earns like well and then he always helped out the family financially so there were different things of good examples of what how guys should take care of each other yeah but then looking back most of those father figures have daddy issues so like my dad's dad as soon as he was born um his mom died in his death so then he need to immediately remarry so then because like if if you have like what 14 kids right you need somebody to take all those kids and he was working as a company exec so he had to be married he couldn't be single it's bad for image all right yeah yeah yeah so then he grew
8:30 up just with different caretakers and then my uncle his mom was getting beat up and and and and all that abused so then he she took him and they ran away and lived in a ████ Barn until she remarried ████ yeah so then they didn't really have got that's probably why they grew up so ████ up too so it's like the blind leading the blind so I'm like sometimes I think we look at our fathers and and and hope they had all the answers and guidance but then when you get to a certain point you realize they're working it out too and they just don't know yeah so you're saying all dads have had daddy issues and their dads had a daddy issue it's like it just gets in my
9:21 in my circle yeah except for my cousin I think he had both parents and they're pretty solid people but um I would say like but that's not blood relative so everybody else I would say is like where where was your where was your dad born Tokyo don't you think though like I I know that we're talking about the specific subject of like daddy issues and stuff like that but like I think I even asked about like the Asian household and stuff like that because I also feel as a first generation Asian American there's also this like generational change in this Gap like in terms of the way that people were even raised yeah oh yeah no one says I love you there's no verbal like but that's what I'm saying even even the idea that like uh same thing like my dad is uh the fourth oldest kid amongst uh 12 brothers and sisters right so I imagine the idea of like the attention that his father
10:11 might have been able to give him amongst like 12 brothers and sisters versus me sitting over here in America being like I'm your one and only son how come I'm not getting you know what I'm saying like because maybe he wasn't fed that same type of life and or communication but then it's like besides just daddy issue it's also like well that was a totally different lifestyle yeah you know what I'm saying like out here in our generation nobody's trying to have ████ 12 kids anymore right it's just a different mentality it's a different lifetime yeah and same with us when we're you know as we're growing up we're thinking about having children we're not thinking about that same type of no way so you know what I'm saying like there's a whole shift yeah it's hard for them and mentality because they're trying to raise an American kid and they were never American yeah I think that's a huge one too because like we see all of our friends who are more Americanized and their parents may be more educated or maybe more emotionally
11:04 like intelligent maybe more self-aware so like they might have a different up upbringing and you're just like kind of jealous of that I remember thinking that like why the ████ are their families more like reasonable and sensible and why the ████ do I have a bunch of cavemen in my family that just like throw Fist and yell all the time you know yeah for sure so how do you fix your daddy issues if you can't repair that relationship with their father if that's not the circumstance um for me I think it was being able well I don't even know if I'm fully fixed but I think it's you have to see the patterns that you're continuing so I noticed that like we're like sponges right we'll absorb some things that they do and then we'll do it but in a different way for example let's say they were physically abusive I might not be physically abusive so I'm
11:54 just like yeah man like I'm good I'm not abusive but then I could be verbally abusive and and not know that I'm doing the same ████ but in a different way yeah so then I think if you can catch that and then kind of it always appears when you're not in control yeah it's like your default like status when you're not really uh what is it called uh logical yeah and then think of all the areas that you want to improve in probably that it's like maybe if you want to be more verbal and in the way you express your love and you just never understood how to do that and then the only way to do it is seek out people that do it well yeah yeah so you know what's a really sad thing that hit me when I like turned 30 was I I thought about my dad and I was like is he was he really that bad of
12:44 a dad and then I think about it and I'm like yeah he wasn't the softest person he wasn't very like empathetic he's very hard but he was a really good provider and then I think about that and I'm like I started to be afraid that I might become the inverse of him or I'm just a ████ cool ass dad but I'm also a deadbeat cool ass dad and that I feel that destroyed me because I'm like I still can't match up to how good of a provider my dad was was he that bad of a dad and is being a great dad but not a good provider also a bad dad yeah you know what I mean which one would I rather have that's so true a dad that was just intuited by emotions but couldn't buy me ████ private school yeah which one so busy being a provider you may not have time to be the best dad yeah and I think that's what happens a lot of the times and especially like like for my parents right my mom was a stay-at-home my dad was working a lot
13:34 and I think growing up I would hear Rumblings from my my uh my mom and my sisters about like you know they would complain about my dad like not doing this not doing that so so when I grew up so much of my messaging was like oh negative negative negative then as I got older and I kind of pulled the lens back then you realize like oh this is just their point of view on the whole entire situation but they're not taking account all the other stuff that was like yeah he's the one that has to work he has to provide for all of us right and yeah you know sometimes that balance isn't there but at the time that's like the kind of the the roles of everyone in the house so it's like that's what he has to do yeah and then kind of like what you said like I'm in that phase right now too where I'm like in my head growing up I would always hear you know my dad was like a bad dad
14:25 or whatever the ████ right whatever kind of negative messaging out here and then um since then you just pull the lens back and then you realize like oh it's not necessarily he's a bad dad but it's just just a messaging and I think that's the the that's what you look at the person yeah yeah it's like that's that was their view on it right right and separating that from who you are and how you see it is totally different so when you experience something similar to it yeah he might have gone through you start realizing whoa there's way more variables to this and I have oh of course and this detours my ability to connect it's the variables I think there's a social cost to being a good provider definitely and I think that's the part that we were like oh man dad's not as cool as the dad on TV or something behind these movies dude that's what
15:15 you're repairing you're missing my baseball game again Dad you gotta bring him to Bob Saget maybe a way of like healing that is just having a more compassionate look oh dude for sure the things that you're down yeah did do yeah instead of what he didn't do right and it's also it's gonna happen inevitably your kid is not gonna understand something about you right you know you're going to be a bad dad in some way that you thought was justifiably good and it does take time for you know as like you go through the seasons of life like you know in your 20s there's one season in your 30s another season so it's like I think as you hit your 30s as you work more as you experience more in life you you see the how much more complicated life is and it's not like black and white and I feel like for me in my 20s everything was black and white to me everything was like it's either this or that and there's no in between yeah and then you're starting to see as you get older and meet more people have conversations with more people from
16:06 different walks of life you go oh ████ this is so different and you realize like oh ████ my life was actually so much better than you previously thought growing up and you go oh you're just to learn a lot about our daddy issues when we like choose to have children yeah when we see the things like Joe was saying that did get passed on or the things that we chose not to like replicate yeah yeah and being conscious of that because I I've been like for example I know I got daddy issues when I started seeing the pattern of like when I would watch like movies and TV shows no matter how sad the story was or the characters like you know hardships was I hope I've never cried but if it was specifically between a son and a father I would die every time I can't last a second wow always cheer up relatable that's the only thing yeah you could ████ have a massive ████ disaster
16:57 where like thousands die and I'm just like oh that sucks and you know I saw the others one ████ good scripted speech between a father and son in tears I saw you guys see that dude from American Idol the Big Hawaiian dude yeah no oh and I just saw it randomly and I saw Joe Rogan this other dude talking about it and then they played the video clip and he's singing a song about his dad dying and how he got him into music and he's ambro and he sings some like Michael Blunt song or some ████ James whatever no Michael Black Michael Blunt you guys familiar with it and he sings the song bro and tell me why at like 2 p.m in the middle of the day I'm just like bawling bro yeah Molly oh my God I have to show everybody I know about this that's where you know where your issues are like that's how you know ████ up but I think you're
17:47 when it's like the first stage is like you think your parents know everything right so then it's easy to blame them because you're going like you messed up you could have done better and then you you start to get older and you start to empathize and you're like well ████ it was hard for you guys and you didn't have the same tools that I do um on like self-help and all that and then you start going oh ████ and then you start ████ up too and you're like oh damn it I have these habits too yeah and then I think that's the other thing too you see yourself in like you're like I'm like oh ████ I'm redoing the things that my dad did that I didn't like growing up and then you go oh dude that's the thing about bad dads when you have a bad dad that's always doing the things that are supposedly wrong it's it's almost like you're you're still learning from that too so in a way yeah they're made they
18:37 may be doing bad actions but when you grow up and you recognize these actions they're still being taught you're still being taught a lesson so they're indirectly teaching you by how not to behave yeah I mean to add on that I'm at that point now because I think so it's it's almost like a I think it's like a Taoist belief right where it's kind of Yin Yang where you can't have the happiness without the sadness so you can't have the lesson without the pain yeah and so what do you expect a perfect childhood with absolutely no trauma and no no you can't adversity like that's the that's that's basically the wrong expectation right so when you blame it when you have all these issues with the person you're thinking you should have done it perfectly yeah without any issues and I would have been in such a better place because of that but we do
19:27 see so many kids that were like tele sheltered and hella like you know they weren't great non-traumatic situations and they crumble in so many situations because they don't they never had adversity yeah so like when I have kids it's gonna be like yeah I'll try my best but dude if one day I feel like you know like maybe they'd you sometimes you gotta treat your kids you know you gotta smack them you got to do yeah uppercut but like let's say you ████ up right yeah and you end up hitting them or like you yell at them you say things you're not supposed to it's like yeah it's ████ up but maybe you know hopefully they're gonna grow up to not be you yeah I'm not saying to do that but I'm saying if you end up like that like a bad guy confuse me right now are you promoting Donuts
20:17 the crap smack smack grab you gotta forget to pick him up at school and smack grab smack but like because we're not perfect either and so when we have kids like you can't there's no way you could absolutely fix everything about yourself while you're having a kid because then you're going to be dealing with like having a job having to have a relationship with yours that is true yeah there's so many things to balance that I mean while your dad's looking like from heaven like like I would feel bad if I was a bad dad but at the same time I was still trying my best to not be one and whether however they perceive me it's like well that I'm just gonna have to accept that you know I would say A good rule of thumb is if they did better than their own then give them a pass yeah and I think even though I have a sociopath
21:08 ████ nut case of a father he actually did better than his father according to what my mom says yeah so that's that means you know he so don't trust your mom so he did try and then according to you know the the you just got to look at the the family line not other people and then just see within the family line right did someone ████ it up really bad then blame his ass but if it's like every step it did progress then it's like ████ it yeah that's what I'm saying it's like as my only goal is to make sure they're better than me when they're older and like that's it yeah just I just hook up that's dramatically better myself purposely like ████ lazy that's that's how I coped with it I think like oh you know what the ████ turning point was randomly like I went to uh
21:59 Circus Circus and I was like walking around the games area there's like this one game you just throw a ball at a face or whatever and the guy that was there was like no one playing it it was like dead the guy that was standing there just waiting for someone to come to the game looked dead on exactly like my dad no way and it hit me and I went my dad would do this to put food on the table yeah and it hit me like yeah my dad wasn't the best dad in all the subjective parts of being a father but on the required Parts he did exactly what he was supposed to do yeah and think about like the layers of what he was sacrificing yeah his own like turmoil of his own life being like I just gotta do what I gotta do to provide her right because that's not a thing he has to it's not a puzzle for him it's like make money so the kid can live like he'd never failed at that but everything else I'm like I can give a pass and a lot of people fail at that and a lot of people fail at that yeah or they don't even want to deal with it and just bounce like yeah and then you think back
22:50 when you're a kid you were a total piece of ████ to your parents and you're like God damn dude you know what it is too I think in this Society like the bare minimum used to be that and now it's just like oh not only do you have to provide but you got to be emotionally you know I think that's honestly asking too much and you gotta like everybody wants you to be the perfect dad you just gotta be better dude or just like just the perfect human and friendships and relationships just the expectations exceed the appreciation yeah like or just be you and just do your thing right exactly don't be yourself oh
// end of tape