0:00 [Music] all right this is going to be a serious one no bits thank God all right thank God I'm tired of do even though you know the way that we look at uh when people pass away it's like oh that's their time I don't I it's okay but is there anybody in your life that you still still you feel like they were gone too soon gone too soon I have a very obvious answer come on Martin probably not bits bar no I'm I'm serious no bits no bits really yeah so there's no Poss so there's nobody in your life there's nobody in your life that if you could undo their untimely death oh ████ yeah our F our childhood friend that's a good one yeah oh so that's a good one Mar oh okay let me think of a better one let me think of a better one robot Robo
0:51 learns oure so well no I think he's your age so he's a little bit couple years older than us um was it last year he died of a car accident yeah yeah he was driving the middle of the night swerved and then um and when he was at the hospital he was in a coma and then his parents didn't tell any of us because right you know told me that yeah it was like I don't know you know maybe they were hoping that he'd recover or whatever yeah he told one of my my best friends my childhood friends and he was like one of the only people that were able to visit him and then he told me like hey I really wanted to tell you but the family wanted to keep it lowkey and then they thought that he was going to recover and be okay so they didn't want to alarm everybody and and then also they're just afraid of rumors and ████ right cuz you know how they are like they're like I don't know like that
1:41 whole secret agent ████ you know like things can turn into like gossip and then turn into telephone real quick yeah and then cuz our church Community is small so like if one person finds out everybody will get concerned and bombard that family with Non-Stop and the mom probably just didn't want to spend hours on the phone you know like explaining cuz she's going through her own greeting which is understandable but what sucked is that I didn't even get to see him because like I was all over like traveling and so I didn't even get a chance and then all of a sudden she opens up last minute like you guys can come see him now but this was 72 hours or something like that and he passed it was like I didn't have that much of a window so he called me up it was David and then he was like yeah uh I've been seeing him for last month I think his
2:31 mom finally said that I can start telling you um but I'm going to Korea tomorrow or whatever and then I was like well I can't I'm in ████ Vegas I can't go see him yeah so I I didn't even get to see him and I didn't even get to go to his funeral yeah I was out of town too yeah and then so his this is how close our families are his parents went to college with mine in Japan yeah and then um when we were kids like we played and then he he uh went to Japan for a little bit he came came back and we were both delinquents together all three of us would skip church um ████ around and then we ended up joining the same street gang and then all that I got out we got out together and then he kept staying in that world and so I think like he kept partying doing all that stuff up until you know
3:23 his late 30s and um I feel like he's one of those guys that you're just like man you're a good dude but just kept hanging with the wrong crowd I believe that too and he never turned it around to like he's a really smart dude he's just got like um yeah I think he was like he had the right recipe for success but he just couldn't get out of being in that world with the with the type of people he was with and um yeah I I I just heard some ████ up ████ that happened to him and it probably traumatized them really bad and it had to involve like some crazy crimes that he was associated with and I think from there I think his life just went really bad to the point where he couldn't like get out of that situation like being blackmailed and being like
4:13 held to the position where he couldn't get out yeah and I was like ████ well being the same age and all and I and I just feel like this guy didn't get married he didn't have kids and it's just so weird having someone that's like a childhood like friend of of yours and they just they go poof it's gone yeah yeah and I mean you went to school with them too yeah in high school we were when I was first learning how to break and like I practice all the time he would practice with me and he was also learning and then our last year of high school uh we create we made like a show like to try to win the talent show and we won first place and then he's like that guy where like cuz he was already like a gangster guy back then and he's that gangster guy like in a typical movie where like you get him into something else and like we win it and he's like you really think I could like
5:03 do this type of ████ you know moving forward I'm like yeah man why not like you're good at it and then he just like got into the other stuff it's like that one character in was it Coach Carter you remember that movie with samel Jackson like he was he hung around with the bad kids but then he would be on the basketball team actually do really good but then the life pulled him back away yeah and I think that's why like if he had another shot to like you know cuz you could tell by the quality of person that he was that how how doing that life affected him it it wasn't what he was built for no he he's a goofy yeah he's funny good-hearted dude and I was like how how did he get well I know how he got in there cuz I was in there too with him yeah but I think he couldn't um I don't I think he was scared of what was
5:54 outside of that cuz he was so he was so uh accustomed to that space that seems like it yeah yeah that he didn't have anything to pull him out of that cuz those were his closest friends at the time no one no one told them that if you get good grades then you could get financial aid sell to buy weed yeah during that time we were all we were all hanging still we were still all working together doing all that stuff but I think what actually saved me out of it was JK YouTube and and and finding my own success out side of that world yeah it might have been that it might have been like you know like the when you when you figure out racketeering for a positive cause but then you got too good at the racketeering part that you focused on that then the positive cause might have been that I don't know but
6:45 yeah that's true I know how that feels Ryan what racketeering for a positive cause everyone knows how it feels yeah we're getting so good at the racketeering R Larson for a positive cause everyone know any what those words mean yeah he's a good example of that the person that like comes to mind for me is like my uh my cousin I had a cousin that was like very close and age to me grown up and he was like my best friend and then uh he was always like a little bit uh like chunkier he wasn't fat he just got a little bit like chunkier around like fifth grade and then uh his his uh parents used to make him like work out to like lose the weight and it just like they just drove him too hard and then he ended up uh like getting what is it called like when you know you don't drink enough water when you're
7:35 working out you can have like a hemorrhage oh ████ I know he worked out too quick too fast yeah he's worked out he like he was he was playing basketball and like they were making him do all these activities and then eventually like his he was just like oh I need to lay down for a second and he just laid down and just died just like that from over exhaustion the autopsy said that his because he wasn't hydrating enough that it it caused the hemmer in his brain like a really small one and then like it just like that was it that's ████ crazy yeah and it was like we were like I think he was 11 like 10 and 11 and then we were supposed to go to like uh we were going to I was going to switch schools to Glendale Adventist to go to school with him cuz I wanted to go to like the same school as him but then when after he passed I end up going to S Gabriel oh yeah but then that was like a it was so it was cut so short over
8:26 nothing how does it feel to deal uh with at that young of age cuz I don't even know like cuz I I had friends in junior high where they would lose their grandparents yeah and I would see them come to school and they're like balling right and I'm like like at even 12 or 13 I'm like I don't even know if I would would be able to deal with it at that age yeah it it's definitely like just weird cuz nobody really explains much to you because I think our family was so close at the time everyone was busy grieving about him to like stop and tell me like hey so here's what happens and how it works like nobody said nothing to me so I was just like so he's just gone like everyone was just like yeah he's just gone and and because because it was almost a thing where the family started to kind of blame each other then that was the thing that took precedence like everybody was like oh you shouldn't have pushed him so hard like it was it went
9:17 back and forth like crazy because he was already part of a a broken home so like he had his stepdad and then he had his like biological dad and so when you have like broken homes and and like there's a death in the family especially of a child then the war is like insane yeah yeah because the blame is like oh you're supposed to do this and like they already have it out you know like it gets really like vicious and and he was the youngest of his uh siblings so then everybody was like to this day it's still like a sad his uh like he's at his he's buried at Forest Law next to my grandfather and then like other he's like in the he took the family grave that was meant for his grandparents ████ wow he's a cousin yeah because it was so like out of the blue but that's like a crazy thing where but that's junior high
10:08 or high school yeah he died before we before we reached sixth grade that's that's really young that's super young and it's like it's that feeling of like that sucks because he literally passed just because by their opinion he he's not he wasn't you look a picture of him you be like this kid's not even a fat but just because of the standard of like how some families are like you need to lose weight like they pushed them like crazy treat him like a ████ Filipino special ops huh yeah yeah it sucks man ████ Brown Beret what was your obvious answer for B you had something earlier but so this is an actual trip last night um I had backto backto back dreams of my pops all um positive and even in the dream you know you're like self-aware I remember going like what
10:58 the ████ like CU I know like he's he passed but then sometimes the dreams are so realistic so when I saw him in the dream when I saw him in the dream I was like oh sh this is a dream now right cuz obviously he's not here and so when I woke up I was like dude that's crazy and then I'm like oh ████ it's his birthday this weekend oh wow so I took I uh I took out my wallet and I always keep his license next to mine like I still think about him all the time so I just try to keep him close and I was just staring at his picture and and like every picture I have of him and in his own pictures he's always like super jolly and smiling yeah so even like like Gio calls me a ████ but uh for his Tombstone I picked the ████ jolliest ████ picture of him so if you ever go to Rose Hills he's literally like
11:50 this that's TI that's tight that's that's how I remember him he's a goofball you know like he's he's a goofball so if you ever he's probably the the smiliest Tombstone you'll see in the whole on the whole hill and I just look and I always just go like damn like what what was it going through your mind like I still it's unanswered I still don't I still don't know um and one thing that kind of like shed some light on it I was listening to this one dude um he's like some special ops dude but he was talking about how he contemplated suicide many times and then what he said was a lot of people like a lot of dudes that keep to themselves that can open up they they go down that path because they think they're taking they're taking away a burden to the people around them right so I'm like oh ████ it's a selfless act to them yeah so I'm like what it's a cat who leaves home
12:42 right that's what they do famously apparently is like if they're if they're going to die they leave home they want to die in their own home so they like try to escape the house in order to like go to a place where they can yeah they they run away and then to die cuz they know they're about to die too prideful or whatever theyy and what was what was going through his mind I wish he he could have told me or like left a note or something but and it's since I was in college all he ever wanted was to have a grandson so Tao's here and then he left like as soon as Tao was starting to speak and become his own person like three four fiveish like there's just so many questions that like I mean unanswered it could probably just be that it had nothing to do with y'all as family but he had his own skeleton and he kept thinking like oh maybe if I had a grandson maybe if I lived here like all
13:34 these things would make me happy and ████ or like made me feel better but there we don't know if he had ████ from his own childhood like he had a hard ████ life like swimming a ████ Hong Kong and his his friends dying and ████ like on the trip and being a communist Refugee like so we don't know like what happened when he was nine or whatever skeletons he's holding that he's having pain from and it might not even be about you Tao clearly not true way no cuz most of our pains are like not like family me like you know it's like they think they could do something but not it's a journey that he probably had to figure out I've never seen a a son go like Hey Dad pick a house in Vegas I got you and then the dad's like I'm out of here Gucci like what the exactly though not to um uh this is very
14:25 personal but like if he had written a note what would be things that you would have wanted to like hear or understood I think just any type of closure like reasoning like hey I'm doing this or I'm I'm going to be leaving because of X Y and Z like I just don't even know like I have like not even the faintest clue so just like uh any answer not necessarily a answer that like would make sense to you or even not an answer or not even uh not a why but even an answer so like let's say I'm not going to tell you why but I had to do this for myself I'll be like okay I'm not going to ask if it's a ridiculous and I'm not even kidding here like a b dancer where he's like I'm running out of shoes could be cuz you know his whole thing was like I bought this many shoes or I bought too many i b yeah know to do
15:16 with these shoes H my dad's pretty crazy they could be right that's what I think cuz of you so ████ calculated it could be well cuz no cuz he had Costco shoes he bought enough to he's like I calculated by the time I'm G gone I had enough so what if it was his last box yeah he's like man I've been wearing these things out I walked way more than I thought I don't know what's going on he literally said he still had a bunch though right yeah he still had a bunch left over he overestimated so he over Dam that's I think that's the hard part though cuz like when things like this happen there's really no control or sense you can make out of it so it it can eat you alive cuz it's like you can't really dig into this brain and see what's happening the like super zoom out like out of Bart experience like uh how did that like mature you or like what
16:07 did it give to you even if you didn't want it I think the mature one the maturity thing is uh me understanding I W say maturity but uh more so like realistic expectations of the world is that anything could happen at any time and it could be in the most uh inconvenient of times so it does make me cherish like everything that's happening in the present like way more cuz anything like it can go at any time like literally um and then I think also just like kind of like uh doubling down on whatever aspirations I had to be a a good dad to be like double committed to that yeah you would be that productive with it
17:00 I think I pick up drinking I and and in like the overly optimistic sense it's like what a what a sick last lesson to give a little bit that is true what's not fair is I'm out here waiting for my dad to croak and then bar actually had a solid dad lucky just like okay well then okay then to how the turntables yeah it's not fair like in the most optimistic sense like what what do you feel like was the most maturing or like lesson you got from what no about your how how did you learn from this you know what I mean like sometimes we don't want to learn a lesson but we do so like in the most positive no at the end of the day I joke a lot about it but it it's it's actually um I mean in every
17:53 situation if you if you don't learn from it then you're a ████ right but at the end of the day because he's prepared me to be able to cut off and not be dependent on people like for example I see family members do this all the time where they feel like because you're family now you can't say no you're emotionally so almost under the spell of being a slave to somebody and you feel like you owe something to them but I'm like no you have to be able to cut off certain members of your family especially if they're Psychopaths but I see people doing it and they're TI and they can't do it they don't have the strength to do it so I was like oh ████ he actually prepped me at a very early age to be able to have that ability of um you know yeah you're a family member and I love you but then you Al it's
18:43 tough love like if you cross B Brown boundaries with me then you're going to get cut off until you until you know you can act better and I I see this so much in families where people can't do that they're like oh well that's my mom that's my dad I have to and I'm like there's a point where you you are obligated to a certain point but then I think too many people let those lines be crossed yeah I agree yeah Y and I think that's because it's emotionally difficult to do those things you can't cut them off you feel guilty all those things and I have zero feelings toward that and I'm like keep prep me for the ability to do that without any um like internalized pain yeah in a similar but obviously very different circumstantial question that I asked Bart if there was anything that
19:33 your dad could say to you like what would you want him to say um you know what I think I actually got a lot of uh good closure last time I talked to him and then like things that he admitted uh so this was like two years ago or three yeah when I when I had when I had lunched with them he you know he he he told me about his regrets I mean like he gaslit me about beating my ass and that was one thing that pissed me off and then but also I realized like uh a lot of things as an adult meeting him and going oh you're a ████ sociopath so I was like you are one of those guys that just you're lying but you don't know you're living in a delusion that's a form of closure for real though yeah and then you're seeing that you're like oh ████ yeah yeah yeah
20:23 but the other things were that he was telling me like yeah I felt so bad um but I couldn't face the family anymore because of the overwhelming guilt and then and then the more time that it took he was like I couldn't get myself I just wanted to forget cuz it was like a reminder of his failure so he he's like I kept telling myself I'm going to I'm going to get back and and I had this dream of I'm going to have all this money and I'm going to come back to you guys and then he goes I never was able to get to that point and he goes I finally paid off my debt like in my late 60s and he goes like I couldn't do it and he goes so then by the time I did this I didn't even have a substantial amount of cash to like come up and say hey but he had this like dream yeah of like all right the game plan Mr money bags comes in thrs cash at the problem but it's like a dumb Gambler you know
21:13 that keeps failing you just War Of Love yeah but it's like I think that's the that's the thing is um I think I realized his intentions were there but he was a ████ idiot so it's like I have this dream I'm going to come back millionaire and I'm going to save the family and then he goes in 30 years pass by so that's that's kind of the thing hey that's good closure holy ████ that's a lesson extremely good which is why I started talking to him again cuz I was like yo and then I and then this ████ goes hey you're rich right can I come just move in with you and do this and do that and I'm like ████ you man baby steps you're like dude so so there's thing called Luna right but yeah thanks for sharing that's seriously awesome man yeah yeah
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