0:00 [Music] this is a really nice little uh bit of news here a new york zoo welcomes a newly hatched penguin whoa fostered by a pair of gay penguin dads wha whoa but doesn't that ████ with the the penguin family unit yeah uh apparently in this case it's completely fine but if you raise the kids with two dads now they're not gonna have any maternal um you know things that they have mommy issues wait are um in the penguin species do the dads kind of do the uh raising of the penguin child oh right like like if they do that anyways they both kind of have the like nurturing instinct yeah i'm asking i have no idea well i i mean i don't know if that's normally what they do but these both these penguin dads incubated the egg and
0:51 are feeding and taking care of the baby oh the dad had the little egg in between like you know when them when they wobble like this yeah they carry it don't they don't they like you mean this thing right here yeah yeah yeah that that thing yeah that thing yeah when the kid goes to sleep the dads ████ start making out and ████ yeah how do they know that the penguins are gay yeah dating season these two penguins bonded so they formed the bond you could just kind of tell so then they were like a pair i know when a penguin's gay it's a partnership that's what he just said did they do the heart you know when two penguins guys you could just tell kind of looks like when you know two guys are gay it's the exact same thing did they do the heart shape when they do the touch beaks have you guys seen that isn't that a swan penguins are cute oh that is swans oh yeah it's swans it's a lot no i've seen penguins do it too
1:42 let's do as the swans do yeah they're just blocks yeah they don't have any shape to their body yeah so they glue close together during the breeding season and they cared for the egg together i wonder how many penguins are gay in the arctic uh penguin thing at san diego zoo i mean uh sea world isn't there a thing where like there's like certain animals that has like a higher rate of like gayness i was gonna say danish and i stopped myself because i'm like it has to be a better word like homosexuality yeah it's uh it's uh what is it called naturally occurring in the in the dolphins yeah i think mammals right there's a school of fish that like when the where where the school of fishies were like when when one uh male or female dies to make it even they can transition oh yeah sea horses do that like in jurassic park the eggs too or the
2:32 the males the yeah the dudes hold the ████ the seahorses they can they're hermaphrodites so they can change the where'd the egg come from do the male penguins so what happens in this zoo is that they don't just let any penguin raise their own egg because some penguins aren't good parents yeah they could just they could just crush their egg or ████ it up so what they do is clumsy ones what they do is they take the eggs these are straight though they put a fake egg yeah i know thank god they put a fake egg to test how the parents take care of the egg and if it's a good process then they put it back they give them like a sack of flour that's what they should do you know what in high school you know how they got the ████ like you have to take care of the baby and ████ right i never did at my school but like i saw it in shows and movies but like um they should do that for humans we're like if you want a kid
3:23 we'll give you a ████ practice kid you have to pass all the rules if you can do it then you can have a kid what do you what do you think the protocol would be to find out if you're if you have a kid away then the state takes it away how about that great idea right stay controlled personally and just give it to two gay penguins yeah two gay penguins they'll probably father the human better than what happens what happens if my dummy baby snaps all the ████ piano strings on my piano yeah how do you do that the dummy faces wow you throw that dummy baby away you throw it away you get rid of it i guess there's a statue of limitations for children what what are the uh parameters you think that make a parent qualified to have a baby in this day and age today don't touch your kids in a sexual way okay that's a blanket number one all right
4:14 good we're saying everything there don't chuck your baby across the room okay okay don't throw your babies okay honestly though i mean we wouldn't have social workers if those two were just so obvious very true yeah very true we gotta teach them they should just make those rules hey did you know you don't want to smoke crack all night and leave your baby oh i didn't know that i'll stop smoking crack thank you are you a social worker dude that was pretty funny gotta be like did you know world of warcraft call of duty all these games are fun but when you're a parent they're more fun kind of want to take care of the baby so when you're playing the game have the baby right here if i can rock the crib and then play don't put them in the other room do it like this can't do it like this yeah did you get more tents in the game
5:04 what do you think is the appropriate uh family income in order to have a kid depending on where you live arkansas twenty thousand dollars los angeles one million dollars one million minimum to advocate hell yeah and los angeles do you know the average home price in la is seven hundred ████ thousand dollars for a three bed two bat hulk the other day i was looking for a comparison right so in vegas let's say you look for homes around the 400 000 range you're gonna find some decent ████ clean ████ in nice neighborhoods whatever you i was looking for a three-bedroom home in la all of l.a i'm talking about from like you know long beach all the way to the valley right 400 000. you know what i saw a gutted ████ up home that was like it's a fixer-upper it was no toilets nothing it was just it was it was an empty home that it was abandoned for four hundred dollars it's
5:55 not even livable really not livable the other one was a uh one bedroom in compton it was in a three bedroom it was just a one bedroom in compton and then the um the the living room looked like somebody just like put together with plywood it was ████ up for 400 000 bucks so you need a million dollars in l.a to be a good parent yeah some states you could spend like 300 and get a brand new house yeah arkansas this is about gay penguins i'm sorry you asked me the question i had to answer like a politician i didn't think some sort of like you know you gotta like show that you're responsible or know the rules to get a driver's license i feel like yeah parents you need something like i think it's i think it's a little bit wild that like just anyone at any time could just have a kid and it's totally like even if they have zero resources i could be like i'm 15. you're 15. high five we're gonna be parents you
6:46 know it's like what the ████ that's a very good gay penguin it sucks for the kid i mean because in this process with the with the penguins it's like it's so meticulously done they have to make sure it's the perfect thing even if the uh the egg gets cracked like they're right there to like make sure it's okay yeah but like humanity still as long as it's been around it's just like hey you're on your own sorry baby with no food well you think you think like back in the day maybe like you know 1800s or something like that right it's like same thing right anybody could have a kid at any time but if you didn't have the means then maybe they just die yeah you know what i'm saying consider a doctor that was in town couldn't do this couldn't do that whatever right um nowadays even if you didn't have the means there's still like you know certain you know uh institutions or government assistance or like you know uh health centers or whatever that can kind of like help you in that sense but like i'm
7:39 guessing most of that money comes from like you know us taxes yeah you know what i mean so so maybe it kind of perpetuates a little bit of that like constant like oh anybody can at any time that's the difference i mean back in the day like if you live in this cobblestone area or whatever right if you ████ up your family that's just on you you didn't plant enough seeds or whatever during the spring or fall you die yeah you die but now if these two idiot 15 year olds want to have five kids they can't take care of them it's your burden you know oh but you know what though not for ugly piece of ████ wants to have a kid you know that thomas [Laughter] if i was poor and a female dude i'm i'm ████ i'm just gonna milk the system every single kid you get you get like thousands of bucks right and then you're incentivized to stay single
8:29 because if you're a single mother you make way more ████ money but it also destroys like the poor communities because like if you're if you're gonna make more money as a single mother from the government and you don't have to work because you want to focus on your kids or whatever right and then like if you start to work then it changes your income status you know what i mean and then if you're married and if you have somebody with you now he's on the hook so it destroys poor families in the structure and the community because the government makes it so damn easy to ████ scam it joe's running on the take money from single mothers program no if i was a single mother i ████ 100 do it though because it makes more sense like why would you want to work at a minimum wage job when you have three kids and not take welfare if that's going to help you out way more
9:19 and pay you and you can live comfortable why the ████ but then there's like finding true love and a father figure for your children but i mean other than that but the rules of the game are set up for the players to play at that point because you can find true love but then you suffer for it that's the problem so find true love just don't get married that's true i guess but yeah yeah i had friends whose uh who's like mothers were single and then were just dating guys for the longest time and even though they wanted to get married they were kind of holding off on it because of the benefits of her staying single yeah yeah so they just kind of didn't do it now these gay penguins yeah well that kind of just makes you think like dude how stupid is it that when when people get all riled up and crazy over like uh two gay dads when there's so many other unqualified straight parents that are just going to ruin this kid people
10:09 always got me about that yeah i don't get the argument at all right it's kind of like a funny order in which people freak out about ████ [Music] [Applause] [Music] you
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