0:00 [Music] this one's going to be a jk mystery article because the um they still don't know why this happened but of course everybody in this room has their own take and someone's got to be right so me [Laughter] and it's funny because earlier this is the one where you said a joke and it made me think of this article because it's pretty much what happened a man in liverpool was standing outside of aldi's supermarket when he was randomly attacked by an unknown group of people and stabbed repeatedly in the ass i made a joke oh what oh yeah in the ass in the ass i wonder if this is going to be a sword man i wonder if there's one of hannah's friends liverpool oh liverpool why do people get ass stabbed in liverpool why why in the ass so he's
0:52 literally standing outside the supermarket and then this like he got rushed by a group because they're the ass bandits oh my god well i guess yeah if it's a branding thing they gotta stay on brand all right so that that's your take you think it's a m.o i think there's a new gang in town and they're called the rump roasts the rump road that's kind of fire you know where that rock browse hey how do i get into the rump roast how do i get in the game you have to cut up a piece of hat but now he's in yeah you're going to chop off a pizza ass and then we got to slow cook it we we're gonna slow cook we're gonna slow cooking so they're cannibals too it says that um that happened in front of horrified shoppers so this wasn't a thing where they waited until no one was around it was literally in perfect view of everyone and then it just ran up and they just got him in the butt and then they ran away they're like why him it was a it was a prank that's what it was
1:42 right a prank like it's a prank it's a prank okay don't mind the blind is a prank he's alive yeah i mean it's you know how's his ass holy swiss cheesy sit down he has to say the inner tube that's why they sell leather pants you know that what to protect you because if he was wearing leather pants he would have been protected leather is knife proof like real leather yeah what about pleather that's why they make me throw imagine imagine how hard it is because there's metal inside the boot nah the leather parts the thick leather thinking the silk is so smooth that the knife will go not because chinese ancient chinese warriors used silk underneath their armor and they said that the silk was pretty good to against uh arrows yeah and how many of those
2:33 guys are alive today that's what i ████ thought one guy well it was a thousand years ago so they're all gonna be dead it would have been alive if they had chosen better armor but they had a life expectancy of like 60 minutes how's it going what's your take man no i don't know man part of me wants to think like this dude is like insulting like some lady's ass or something like that and it was like oh fruit of justice one of the little sisters like oh you want to talk ████ about my sis odd place but maybe if you want you're trying to he's that guy's trying to send a message what would make you want to stab somebody in the ass repeatedly with other friends yeah we'll support you by the way yeah and they're down this is the squad this is the squad you got okay let's go my this is your ass
3:23 where are the rump roasts yeah yeah who are we gonna stab and why oh you ain't gotta tell me why toy's our leader bro second shank what are we going to do if they got a flat ass it's like there's nothing to cut because we do have to take it back to prepare it for master chef and then we puncture it the people that are telling me that i'm not vietnamese enough there you go metaphorically you should be drinking a minimum of eight gallons of nook mom every day to be real vietnamese honestly i already do that do you guys normally have a built-in skepticism when something happens to someone and you ask them why would that happen and they go i don't know yeah see already it depends on the person it depends on the person sometimes or if especially if this is a repeated thing that's what i'm starting to be like you
4:14 know yeah i was like that was a good thing that's a good squish because that's why that's my face i didn't realize that i started doing things like subconsciously i feel like in a work meeting trying to be a meme and ████ and then it's a really good someone will say something stupid from across the room and i'm like and then my buddy will be like you're doing that thing you look at me like that all the time right yeah but if it's like if some ████ if someone is telling me like i don't know why like my ████ tires got flat again or something like really are you ████ doing donuts at home depot parking lots like what's going on you know what's the dead giveaway when someone is talking about work and they go she hates me what did you do nothing i don't know just exactly you have to understand your reason something yeah you don't think you were wrong you didn't do your tps reports
5:06 or or people that say that they have no friends and everybody else is always at fault yeah yeah that's red flag as ████ right just like and they're just like i'm like you don't have any other friends you hang out with like no people are just ████ and they just like can't like stand me or whatever i'm like or something you're probably the ████ big red flag i bet the cop holding the notepad just was like that the whole time it was just like this is the first time you would do that yeah everybody are you sure i like it when people first start off with i was just doing blank yeah and you know what's gonna come afterwards it's like okay you can't justify your assholeness man yeah yeah yeah i was just playing around i was just joking yeah yeah i was just flashing these guys with my ass and i was saying ████ you ████ you flashing my ass and then they said oh why i bet you can't stab me in the ass
5:57 you ████ losers you ████ can you imagine with something that plain i bet you can't stab you oh you don't think i could stab you in the butt right no i bet you couldn't get over here and then he's like oh whoa what's happening why i don't know why they did that well you kind of egged it on or maybe maybe just a little bit you just mooned three guys with knives all right defend the guys how do we defend the game though no no nothing they're trying to ask the public they're like wow why would this happen so that i think that guy's out of lafayette the police is perplexed uh yeah the police just want someone to rat him out like if you know this guy and you know he's a dick tell us what he ████ do you know what i think it is gambling debts he owes he's he owes all these guys money and he has to pay him butt blood yeah
6:47 next he's gonna end up on squid game and ████ it's good because you want him alive yeah because you know dead men don't pay debts you know so but then how do you hurt them yeah stabbing my ass yeah i think you'll always think of them and that and the glute bro stand up for a sec bart oh we're about to get a physiology lesson there's a lot of musculature right here you know what i mean so look if i oh my god i don't think i could snap bart's ass dude but hey there's a lot of meat you know a lot of penetration so you'll be fine thank you thank you what's that that's a lesson you're welcome you guys have you guys ever cut your ass no oh my god can someone say yes because i don't want to be the only one with toilet paper on the butthole in one way like i scraped my butt pretty hard on what um on the faucet would you clarify please
7:38 i was taking a nice bath okay and sometimes on the faucet side it's deeper than the other side so i was chilling there and then when i got up the faucet basically cheese grated my ████ butt cheek and i just when i stood up that happened to me before but on my tailbone i sat down on something cheeked up enough to block i i wasn't i was in high school i was like tailbone i was 115 pounds and i sat on something and went straight into my my tailbone and i was like joking around like yeah i'll be fine i couldn't i couldn't sit down for a whole week bro i had to sit in the inner tube i swear to god i had to like buy an inner tube like a hemorrhoid yeah i had to sit around with all the time oh ████ you can't sit you can't sit normal for a while yeah i got a bbl pillow how did you cut your butt i mean that's if you guys remember i told you a
8:28 story before it's it's pretty embarrassing but like um years ago like i think i would remember this yeah um i was i was having sex with my ex in the shower oh and i got lazy because i don't normally like doing that so i thought i could rest my ass on the soap dish part that sticks out i think i know so just kind of like you know just get a load off and so like so she she's like kind of doing all the work my ass is against this soap dish thing and then it just shatters and the porcelain just goes in your butthole in my butt in my butt mass like not in my cold cheek or else but the worst part is that it gave me um okay many worst parts you start bleeding everywhere right the first worst part is that when you bleed in the shower it
9:19 looks like ████ freddy krueger like the water and blood mixture just it looks like i'm ████ trying to dye some cool shirts like it looks crazy a lot of blood and uh if you get a vertical cut on your ass that sh for months it would reopen up every time i said oh my god yeah you're supposed to get it stitched but i was too embarrassed to go in and tell the story oh so you never went to the doctor i got a stitch do you have an ascar now i do yeah just imagine it let me describe it can you see it if you're wearing a thong what is it good question i'm pretty sure it's on my right i haven't thought about it in a while you know look checked up on it but it's on my right cheek and uh i was hoping i could see it if we're in hawaii but i guess if you're not wearing it's gonna be a thong
10:11 but yeah it's it's it's a vertical cut and uh anytime you sit because because i wasn't getting it stitched and like everyone's like get a ████ stick ████ is bleeding yeah i would just always have blood on my ass for like months so i would remember i can't sit so i would try to like play this way like chairs oh my car would drive like this oh my god dude you were miserable for a while when you pooped oh my god it's bad now yeah i just bleed everywhere i got the reverse plank on the toilet it wasn't bart said i would just bleed everywhere that's just really you couldn't just hold on to the cheek and then spread your cheeks no yeah i would have you guys really want to know i just put like tissue on it because i know it's going to bleed why did you try to squat and let that solidify in that position so then when you stood back up
11:01 it's already wrinkled you know what i mean you want to have it heal spread yeah i see what you mean oh my gosh stand up it's already ████ you know i don't know because i started out i just was trying to go back because this is when i was still dancing too oh and you danced with a rip butt i had to and i didn't want to talk about it that's the part that why were you so ashamed can't talk about the real problems i i didn't i kept it a secret the fact that he kept the secret was the worst thing because i'm like how big is the kind of a macho man who was embarrassed who was embarrassed about getting a ripped butt yeah and it was during sex it was when i was boring my actually yeah that's pretty cool though you did it during it was a sexual accident because people are gonna ask well how'd that even happen but then i look like an idiot again because i got lazy well during reverse cowgirl i don't know it that's it doesn't sound weird
11:53 that's what i was thinking i was like wild bro i mean it's not literally like you know it's like standing reverse what do you mean doggy feel like i'm talking snowboarding so she was ████ happy yeah no yeah she was it was i wasn't doing anything that's where the guilt lies is that laziness and sex if you weren't lazy you wouldn't have that butt cut if i did the work she would have the cut i was gonna say was there a moment where there's blood everywhere just like whose blood is this there was and that's when i lived with like six guys oh yeah my ████ none of them said anything about the broken soap dispenser no i mean the soap holder i told them i told them it broke you gotta explain to guys every little autopsy just go hey soap just broke yeah what about the blood on the ceiling yeah dude bro i am the ████ wolf from like uh pulp fiction the guy who comes in and
12:43 cleans the car that is me as far as butt blood to bathtub they can't even get a trace of dna harvey keitel a blood blood bathtub
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