0:00 You You meet this guy, you think he's really attractive, he's really charming and all that. His day job, he's a Michael Jackson impersonator. >> [laughter] >> That's not a crime, though. >> Might as well be. That's a crime. He took He took on all of MICHAEL'S ACCUSATIONS. NO. >> [laughter] >> WELCOME BACK TO Welcome back to another episode of Cool Crimes with the Careful Boys. We got Melissa Branos. Heyo. Cool crimes. Let's figure out what what cool crimes a guy can do and still be marriage material from your point of view. I'mma ask you this, okay? Here's a cool crime that I think ladies will be okay with and not ashamed with who they're with. What? >> Okay, number [laughter] one, it's good sentence. It's good sentence. A lot of
0:50 words. He runs an illegal gambling den. Oh, yeah. Okay. Is that cool? Cool crime. Like do I personally want to be with someone like that? Will will you leave him basically? >> Will you overlook it? Will you overlook it? >> No. No, you can't. It's deal breaker? Deal breaker. >> you imagine women being okay with it? Yeah, I could. >> Yeah. But not Not Bart's Not Bart's example of a ster Yeah. That's not a cool crime. That's not cool. Yeah, that's a bad crime. He never [laughter] said that was a cool one. Well, that's That's a crime and it's not cool. What if the guy you were talking to for a little bit, you just found out that for a while he was just stealing catalytic converters just to make some extra cash? >> my sister's got stolen. That's so annoying. Then he was like, "Oh, I can get one for you easy for your sister." >> need one. It's not a cool crime. >> That's not cool. I don't think it's a
1:41 cool crime. Oh, the finger. Nope. What about >> disciplined. What about he was a a police officer and he found out some shady ████ was going on in the department um and he tried to like whistle blow, but the thing is the department was so in cahoots, they actually reversed and got him prosecuted. Yeah. So, on the records it shows that he was a fall guy. Mhm. But his story is he was the good guy. >> the whistleblower. Yeah, he was trying to be the whistleblower. >> the department. >> That's attractive. That's a cool crime. That's a cool crime. You'd believe it, though? You'd believe that? But it's what happened. But she just said in the last one, if somebody told you a story that was a little elaborate >> The risky part is the the the the the tion part is risky. This one, he's just telling on cops. What's What's so unbelievable about that?
2:31 >> That's true. But if if they pin him on molestation, then it's >> [laughter] >> So, look, I was charged on tion, but it's not real. >> But this is what happened. >> And I can't go near that school. Dude. But the what the thing was I was about to whistle blow the department, they turned on me. >> They charged me with something. >> Oh, man. >> I think it'd just be easier not to date this guy. See, I told you he wouldn't come back around. >> what if what if he makes he made money extorting uh sters by blackmailing them? Cool crime. >> the sters today's theme or Well, it's always the theme. >> [laughter] >> No. No, but he's But he's he's hurting them. Cool crime. >> Wait. Say it again? So, like he finds out who does and he blackmails them and extorts money from them. >> Yeah. Mhm. Cool crime. Cool crime.
3:21 That's a chill crime. That's a real cool >> like for like um justice >> I know as a friend. Oh. >> [laughter] >> Like you won't judge your friend. >> I won't get too close. >> Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. >> [snorts] >> It's scary for you, but you won't judge your friend. >> Yeah. Got it. Got it. What about let's say a guy that like started Napster? So, the music industry views him as a thief, but for him he revolutionized how people can transfer data. >> Wow. You used Napster, didn't you? Yeah, but he's in trouble by the FBI. He's in trouble by the FBI. He's locked up. And it is technically legal. >> Now, he got released. Do you view him as I guess a criminal or do you view him as like a genius? Damn, that's a complicated one. I think that's a cool crime. Yeah, is that a cool crime? >> to lower your standards a little bit. >> [laughter] >> I You know, I'm just kind of a straight edge. So, all of these anything related
4:13 to crimes, I'm kind of like I don't like that. >> But you have You have downloaded MP3s, which Yeah, you commit crimes all the time, dude. >> I did. I didn't say I was an angel. So, you're like a crime couple if you date this guy. >> [laughter] >> Bonnie and Clyde digitally. I don't think I'd be okay with it. Uh no, maybe. Hold on. But then he's like an entrepreneur, so that's kind of cool. >> Yeah, he's a tech guy. He's a What does he do now? What did he do at post? >> He just came out, so he's just dating. He's trying to get back on his feet. He doesn't have a thing. He doesn't have a thing yet. He's unemployed? >> go on a date. I would go on a date. >> Just dating. >> [laughter] >> I'd go on a date with him. I'd need to know more. I wouldn't say no right away. He's not He's He's He's unemployed in your picture? Yeah, he just got out of jail. He He hasn't had his new thing yet. But he has money, though, cuz he he made it from
5:03 whatever tech thing he did. Well, they seized it from him. All his assets are frozen. >> How does HE HAVE MONEY TO GO TO ON A DATE? >> But you know what his brain's capable of. >> I mean, there are free dates. You go to the park or something. >> That's true. I I just found out So, we went to this pop-up with the American Express Platinum and it everything was free. It was a great date idea. It's really cool. You go to their lounge, you get two free alcoholic drinks or non-alcoholic. They give you a charcuterie board and it looks really Wait. Wait. Wait. You You brought You wouldn't It's okay if you bring your wife on a date. You don't bring a real like a person you barely know on a date to an American Express thing where you get everything for free. >> You should. That's smart. That's a hack. I'd rather you just take me to a park and like >> Really? But if you see this But is that the Arya? This is ████ sick. I'm not talking You're thinking about like an airport lounge, okay? It's not. It looks
5:53 like a bar. It's so cool. It looks like a Peaky Blinders bar, okay? And then like I think the selling point is to let them know like check this ████ out. This is all on This is a ████ cool pop-up. >> The fact that you have to sell it It's so cool. It's already not good. But I'mma show you pictures and you're going to be like, "Joe, you're so right." >> Joe. I will say you can bring someone on a second date to that. You can't do the first date there. You can't. You're right. You're right. Yeah, you need some rapport. You need some rapport. I'd rather take her to Starbucks on the first date than there. What if the first date was like, "Hey, I want to take you to breakfast." and you're like, "Cool. Perfect." And then you guys go to a hotel that you guys are not both staying at. It's the continental breakfast. Hell no. That's not that It's It's kind of stealing. It feels so weird. Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. But they ask him like, "What room number you're in?" And he's like, "Oh, 247." She's like, "Okay. Cool. Thank you." And
6:43 but you eat breakfast like I might think I would be like, "Do you think we're going to stay at a hotel tonight on the first date?" >> Oh. But But you know how they serve breakfast from like 6:00 to like 8:00 a.m.? So, like they don't have to serve that much breakfast and it's always some ████ up hours. >> [laughter] >> Okay, what if he's What if he's an illegal dentist? The [laughter] hell? He has no license. >> Yeah, he just doesn't have a license, but he's the best in town. He comes from a foreign country and he didn't get the uh You know, when when you like if you come from Indonesia, your license doesn't apply and it's kind of on >> But you have all the skills. Yeah. So, you're doing it under the table here. Yeah, he's like the teeth master of like at a gambling den. Yeah, at a gambling den. [laughter] That's cool. Cuz you Cuz you do You have to have a soft You have to have a soft spot for Asians that come and their license doesn't apply and and they make it so They make it so hard for them to
7:33 like >> I would say you should go through the system and get your license here. >> if he is What if it's like he has a side gig and he goes, "I know. I know." But he's working on it. Like he's going to school. He's going to get his like test and then Okay. Okay. Cool crime. But he's currently He's currently committing a crime by operating already. Yeah, I'M GOOD WITH THAT. WHOA. ALL RIGHT. It's cuz she's Chinese, dude. What about this? You got to do the Chinese loophole stuff. You meet this guy, you think he's really attractive, he's really charming and all that. Um his day job, he's a Michael Jackson impersonator. >> [laughter] >> And but then he actually likes to spend more hours as Michael Jackson as himself, though. >> That's not a crime, But he's though he's that guy that Might as well be. That's a crime. He took He took on all of MICHAEL'S ACCUSATIONS. NO. >> [laughter] >> HE HE SPENT HE LIKES to spend So, he likes to sleep as himself, so 8
8:24 hours, and then maybe two to four hours as himself. The rest of it As soon as he can become Michael Jackson, that's what he wants to do. >> He sleeps as Michael Jackson? >> No, he sleeps as himself. That's the only time he's himself. Would you Would Would you Would you date him? Would you Would you like But But his real self is super cool. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But his real self How would I know if he's sleeping? >> [laughter] >> So, wait, he's just like this and I'm His morning self? His real His real self is [laughter] asleep. He's literally You literally said he's He's only time is when he's sleeping. That's when he's himself. And that's when I I think he's that cool. Plus two to four. And then as soon as that next hour is about to be up, he can't wait to like put on his Michael Jackson stuff. He just becomes Michael Jackson. Honestly, for like my life, Yeah. I would have to always only look forward to those two hours of that day. And then it two hours is up and I'm
9:14 like, "F███. I'm on my own now." You see [laughter] him put the glove on? >> It's not worth it. Yeah, it's not >> Not the glove, babe. Not the glove. IT'S NOT GLOVE TIME. >> WOODEN BOX. [laughter] HE'S LIKE, "I'M GONE." HE DOES THIS AND HE LEAVES. >> [laughter] >> Starts tilting his head. No. No. Even when you're watching a movie, you just see him slowly start to go to [laughter] All right. So, if if if he's not If he's not Michael Jackson, what if what if the scenario is he starts spray painting himself silver every morning and he does the robot thing? >> Oh, ████ No. No. But he makes a ton of cash. Ton of cash. That is so unattractive. >> Is it? >> so unattractive. What? That's unattractive? The guy the park that doesn't move for the $6? I don't like that. Wait, but it's illegal cuz he doesn't have a street
10:04 permit. Even worse. >> Okay. >> [laughter] >> What if he just doesn't do it for money? He just does it cuz he likes >> love of the game? Yeah. On weekends? >> Oh my god. >> [laughter] >> No. >> What [snorts] if he is a crime boss, but he doesn't do anything like he doesn't get his hands dirty. He's just like in his office delegating this and that and he has several businesses >> Mhm. with like layers and layers and layers of shell companies. Like detachment to them. And he didn't choose this life. He was born into this life because he received the company from his father. Aw. Don't they take down the top person, though? >> [laughter] >> They try to. Eventually. In the movies.
10:55 But I don't think in real life. >> Perfect world they would, yeah, but And he has like a team of lawyers, too. Yeah. That does not sound like the life for me. Uh okay. I'm out. >> Damn. So you don't want to be a part of the Bambino family? >> snatch three plates. Yeah, he likes CrossFit. [laughter] Yeah. No. >> No no Bambino family. >> a CrossFitter, Bart. He's a He likes Olympic weight lifting. >> Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he's a crime boss? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he stays He's really into fitness. And he's [laughter] a crime boss? Crime boss. But doesn't doesn't hurt people. He He just tells the people to hurt people, but he doesn't do anything bad and he's very sweet. He can't be sweet and tell people to hurt people. >> No, that's not good. You have to be sweet to other people. >> he's only like hurting people because like they're not paying their debt.
11:46 >> Cuz they owe money. >> Yeah. Not cuz like This is not helping the conversation. >> What if you meet a charming guy, he's he's wealthy, and you you're attracted to him, and then 10 dates later you find out he owns something like Alibaba. That's how he made his money. He's a teamster guy. So kind of like ripping off other brands, but technically it's not real ripping off because it's like international kind of whatever. Yeah, it's gray area. >> you some good fakes, too. Yeah. >> Good fakes. I don't I don't need the good fakes. There's no pleasing you, Melissa. >> Like he can make a Adidas duffel bag without a $2. Oh, and two stripes, though, not three. I'm not into this. Really? I'm not into this. No, I'm out. What about if What about this person's not the head of the company, but they do work for one of those companies that makes a
12:36 telemarketing scam. Oh, no. But they're just like a low-level like Hard no. Hard no. I hate those. >> you imagining? Cuz I heard you say that many times already. Like I can't imagine myself in that life. Like what are you imagining? Are you imagining marriage and like down the road the whole picture? Yes, whole picture. >> What are you imagining? Being being that person's partner in life. So then I would have to be alongside all of that. And you don't like being part of Alibaba? >> [laughter] >> It's actually a very successful company. >> You can't imagine being a billionaire. >> Would you rather be part of the Alibaba thing or the GUY THAT GOES >> [laughter] >> THE MICHAEL JACKSON GUY. I CHOOSE Alibaba over Michael Jackson. >> [laughter] >> Not a big Michael Jackson fan. What if
13:26 he was a Chris Brown impersonator? >> [laughter] >> That's kind of cool. Dude, that's He puts on fake tattoos every time. >> [laughter]
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