0:00 all my friends started getting caught but I was in this one closet just like tucked away with the door open and a little crack here and I was like dear God I never really asked for help but this is that one thing I need help from for you please I promise I won't jack off for [Music] here did you guys see this a while back that why wow you look really cool let me see that's all I opening for you look like an Italian like 70s getaway driver I put I put on 10 minutes ago and nobody said anything so thank you for saying something and acknowledging it takes time to hit can you do my taxes I'm not you don't want me to do your taxes you look like you could do my taxes are you good at math uh not really okay probably not are
0:51 you going to heaven do you think Nick I think I've done a good job I think I'll go to heaven I don't think I've done anything too bad to anybody how much real estate you think God will allow you to have in heaven probably like 700 ft that's small house that's going to cost you maybe like a few hundred bucks and heaven where where do I sign up where do I I don't know if you guys saw this a while back but there was a a bunch of like uh people were like spreading this news that there was a church in Mexico that was offering uh the chance to buy real estate in heaven are they heaven real estate agents yeah for $100 per square meter that's not bad genius do you have to that's like the metaverse the what you have to go through escrow though come on it's like buying a star yeah exactly
1:41 it's like buying a star even better you uh it guarantees you a spot in heaven no matter the size you buy so if you get just one square meter it's the same as somebody getting like 50 square Meers yeah that's really smart you're both going to heaven instantly what's the layout in heaven can I get a corner lck you can yeah you can get a corner lck you know religion is so genius they figured out a way to monetize making people feel secure true the weak cuz if you think about every religion right like okay the inbred if you think about the Catholic church right you have the confession where you feel like oh I'm okay I'm going to be okay right and you pay money you think about the temple what do kids do in Asia when they go to the temple for a ████ midterm they pay for a
2:32 ████ wish that they're going to pass yeah dude it's all wish paying like you're just ████ paying to feel good about the future throw corn in the fountain exactly that's religion literally when you used to go to the Buddhist temple all the time what would you wish for so I had a bunch I I I was like my life sucks so I'm down for anything so is you at like 8 years old yeah yeah so at the temple I was like can please just like not have my mom and my dad whoop my ass anymore that would be pretty sick hey wish came true and true eventually uh when I went to a private school I went to a Christian one and I remember like driving home like let's say my my mom or my dad had to pick me up from school that day on the way home I'd be in the car I'm like dear heavenly father I'll bet you a million dollars my mom's going to ████ whoop my ass
3:23 right now so if she whoops my ass you owe me a million but if she doesn't I'll pay you back a million dollar and I'll literally get my ass whooped that night I'm like dear heavenly father you owe me a million dollar so I'll add that to my bill that's now 11 million you owe me God's going to pay out soon bro hey God's been paying though yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah God's been paying you've been working for but they're paying when you're at the temple like doing that is what's the is it to like a specific Buddha so Chinese Buddhism is ████ their own ████ it's not like is there's like real like Budd and then Chinese Buddhism is kind of like TSM and Buddhism put together so you do have certain deities that you're praying to there is like one main Buddha so it's kind of like confusing a little bit but
4:14 yeah you'll like like oh this this one this Buddha really loved their mom or this Buddha is in charge of the western world and they do this and so you kind of pray through the right his name is a Jesus so the um they they were accepting Visa master card Apple pay uh the crazy thing is this news like super spread and all these like Tik tokers and everything we talking about it and I think they just started lying and people were like oh man this church so far has made millions of dollars on sales for this land come to find out later that it's true this church did put this out but this church and you would love them they're known for making satirical ads to get attention to the church so they do this ████ on purpose dude I'd give them money just for yeah they make these these like things that are like totally satirical because they don't like when
5:04 churches do this type of ████ they do it on purpose so that people go look at this ████ and then they find the roote and go oh they're just kidding my mom would actually try to redeem this kind of ████ I would too she pays money to the ████ Temple like every ████ month dude all the you know like the one thing that I was like dude that's kind of trippy is um when I first joined the Marine Corps and I went to my unit it was 2004 so it's like you know very close to post 911 time every unit was deploying my mom didn't want me to deploy at all so she went to go like talk to one of the ████ Buddhist temple Wizards or whatever and then they were like you have to print you have to print 10,000 units of this like Buddhist scripture Bible thing so I don't know how much money my mom spent printing those things but she got a ████ ton
5:54 printed and she would drive from Temple to Temple to Temple to donate all of them to donate all of them to all the temples around holy ████ out of all my friends my unit was the only one that didn't deploy wow maybe ████ work dude that's ████ crazy I think it ████ I believe to a certain extent things something no wonder your mom keeps going it works but then also at the same time also at the same time I was like hey Mom I want to volunteer to deploy and she's like why would you do that I'm spending all this money making these books making ████ FES dude 10,000 is a lot bro I believe it's also just manifesting but then what happens when two people are manifesting against each other like in war yeah they're both trying to manifest who's man harder like in religious Warfare when you have like or a game don't you think that's what it
6:44 is kind of though like praying and stuff like that is kind of manifesting Bro think about the effort that your mom went through to do all that that's like this my mom does ████ like that all the time she'll buy ████ 400 gallons ████ worth of like freshwater fish dump it at Rondo Beach cuz she thinks she's doing a good thing and all the fish ████ die no way that's a real story that's like buddish I grew I grew real story I straight up grew up I grew up on ████ like that she doesn't know to like acclimate them to the water and ████ they don't know ████ they just think they're doing good deeds I remember they uh they destroyed one of the ponds here the the park lakes because they were putting in invasive species cuz they thought that they were like being good by buying all the fish from the fish store and releasing it but they're like a Predator fish and I'm all like that's the funniest ████ ever we
7:34 bought 10,000 beta fish and we put them in the water I heard that the reason why George W bush didn't go to Vietnam was because his dad printed a ████ ton of fers in he went to the Buddhist Church oh he was supposed to go right what's that was he supposed to go I mean he should have gone he's in the age I think I think it's true though like there's a logic behind if you believe in something you're you're likely to be more successful at doing it and if if that whatever religion you're part of helps you believe in it then sure yeah makes sense I believe religion just gives you the strength to do what you want but it also gives you the strength to go head first into a bomb you know like it's not always to murder yeah do some serious crusading yeah to do some like really big damage and obliteration or mass suicide with your squad you know cuz that also happens
8:24 yeah oh yeah also well that's what I'm saying it gives you the strength to do what you cuz you believe in a higher power yeah yeah yeah but that's kind of crazy right that one country that goes look look this you got this is for God are you having a stroke are you having a Biden moment what if what if Biden went to barbell Brigade I don't know what would happened he probably think it's somewhere else what's the coolest thing that you ever did because religion helped you do it what is the coolest thing I did I'll tell you what help me though when I was praying my friends went on a beer run and my my homie from Hawaii said hey whatever you do brother do not come back to this house because the cops going to come like all right first thing they do is come back to the house so we're like
9:15 hey no cops was here all drinking next you know the whole place is lit up blue oh ████ so we all started running towards the house everyone ran over the fence and everything and everyone started hiding and all my friends started getting caught but I was in this one closet just like tucked away with the door open and a little crack here and I was like dear God I never really asked for help but this is that one thing I need help from from you please I'm an illegal immigrant I'm only 19 if I don't get caught I promise I won't jack off for your please that's really what you said that was your G what you bargained before and I said please God like like God gives a
10:07 ████ he's like finally now we're talking this is a deal like hey right right and then next thing you know something I can sck my teeth into I can use that hey all my boys get caught everyone around me gets caught oh yo no way except me the the cop comes and then you see the flashlight there's a crack and it's like a movie it's like a crack you know the door and there's a crack the flashlight went yeah Didn't I was just like dear God ████ and like did I say a year I me so they rest the flashlight went like oh nobody else in the closet let's go wrap them up then everyone else got caught but me and on the phone my friend text me yo call my mom bro I'm arrested dog dog why is it I was just like pray to
10:59 God everything will be all right pray to God dude make sure you tell him that you're not going to jack off for a year why's crazy you can't even drink it home I I promise you you could call like four guys and they all have the same story dude if you're drinking at home in Hawaii the cops might come and ████ arrest everybody in the house bro I got more questions how did he know the cops were on their way called nobody knew the cops were called just after the after the beer run after the beer run we're all drinking in front of the house like yeah you ████ up beer run are you saying they stole beer they stole beer from oh that's different Beer Run is that was missing I thought these guys just bought beer guys are just drinking at home we're out of beers I'm going to go on a beer run a normal beer run to me it's like hey everyone put in 300 bucks and you go buy us some beer and he go yeah we get a beer so you guys were all under
11:49 age no we were all yeah 19 17 16 14 of course the 14-year-old is like yeah I'm down to do the beer Ro so you guys swiped it at the store ran drove back to the swiped it they all ran but then we finally figured out how they caught us it was a taxi driver that saw everything happen and follow those my homies to the house we were drinking at did you guys jump the taxi driver so the uncle ratted you out the uncle see but that's what I'm saying in Hawaii you got uncles and aunties that are willing to no matter what if they see it would do a good job good do the good de but that's how we got caught did your boy did your boys like pray to God too I don't know what they did but I was praying from this point on we know what's most important to God is don't jack off for a year dude I don't think I can do that though so that's he's testing you that's currency to how long did you last huh did you
12:40 make it a year no she probably not yeah how long did you last I love how like it's not like I'll go to church it's not I'll feed the Homeless it's not like I'll give something it's just I'm not going to jack off and then God's like all right dog de Lord this whole time that's a true sacrifice no but that's a true story I swear that's I believe you I believe I'm a th% yeah dude wow I was like it worked it worked you really like just you just jacked off anyway four months after see four months that's still a long time a that's pretty good that's actually pretty good I try to keep my prop but the whole year I was like I don't know about that the whole year is a lot it is a lot the cops show up the secondy jacks off SWAT comes in we found the last one that was we ████ got him hey but the only reason
13:30 we got away and everything was okay is they grabbed one of the our homies H who lives there he grabbed them and pjj him onto the ground and that's was illegal to do oh sure it's illegal to BJJ well if if you have no if you have no proof at that time he just walked up to him and then they got into a scuffle and he threw him on the ground and everyone's yelling that's you can't do that oh so it got thrown out he said hands only hands only they didn't want to make a big deal out of that yeah to avoid lawsuits they're just like all right everyone go blah blah blah blah damn you can't hip toss a criminal dude I don't know what happened but that's he was in the closet praying to God that he's not going to jack off BR the whole time I was just like hearing all the commotion and I was like the flashlight guys the ████ is he doing
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