0:00 oh I'm so I'm so shameful oh this is more powerful I can feel the pride [Music] so we have um an article here submitted by one of our lovely patrons submitted by shoot with a period after what's up shoot there's not there's not much to say about this one we're just gonna watch a video okay all right here we go can everybody see what oh why did you minimize that looks like some kind of suck machine you see a doorbell suck machine there it is this automated Spirit machine helps donors wow to masturbate in hospitals what's this less embarrassing Technology
0:50 Center yo I'd be at the hospital all the time to help male patients extract sperm for donation and medical analysis yeah I would rather ████ in terms of temperature wetness and amount oh my goodness easy as men still get paid to donate sperm and they just get this ████ for free they have to make a whole machine they just get to basically ████ and get paid for it men are basically prostitutes legal prostitutes I didn't know that is it height adjustable though paid for sperm that's what I'm worried about yeah sperm donors wow I thought that was for free because it's like a donation no no can you go to Salvation Army visit oh because of the word donor yeah yeah wait what's the price that you get paid though how much is it do we versus at
1:41 least a few hundred I think for real that's great that's the value though girls get like thousands for their eggs yeah but they all they but they have to go through a lot more you have to uh be put on hormones and like the hormones make you crazy to then extract a healthy egg yeah you don't have sex to have and also you can't be on drugs you can't drink you can't have any health issues so me I'm like I've celiacs I'm already cut out you have to have being like perfect men no one ████ cares I'm allergic to gluten a real gluten allergy like a true gluten-free diet she has to so this says on a sperm donor uh pay FAQ that on average sperm donors are paid between 100 to 150 per donation visit uh they're encouraged uh on average shoe if you're a sperm donor you've done it at least once a week but they're encouraged to do so too once a week do they use that much ████ yeah is it like do they well you
2:32 probably gotta be like a athlete or something they're not trying to get donations from neckbeards and ████ I'm pretty sure a bunch of athletes ain't walking in no no I don't think the athletes are embarrassed either but if I can get you I'm so embarrassed can I ████ the machine instead he's a ████ yelping yeah because it's a Chinese cup it's in China oh I'm so I'm so shameful oh this is more platform I could feel the pride well that was my computer thank you that's so weird I feel comfortable I don't want to do it but it's for China if you bring in athlete's sperm you get more money athlete's sperm well you could probably get paid like you know how like this sperm goes for like like if you're like a thoroughbred racehorse and you're like a champion like ten thousand dollars for sperm easily like
3:24 if you're an athlete but here's the thing would you really want to get paid to donate your sperm if girls are gonna use it to get child support not for me from others they can get child support well I I don't I don't know like they would have to have forms written out that's like the most direct racket though is that like the most uh dude amount of sperm usage this is what we do boys we gotta figure out where the Lakers are or stand right you just suck them off no we don't suck them off dude okay we find their their condoms dude we ████ cut them open we break we we keep them in a little like uh you want a black market athlete service doesn't it need to be warm not cold I don't know how works yeah and then finally we have to arrange it in a trench coat go to the bank and go hey you guys want something and under the Transco we're not wearing any clothes you want some Century cabalos we can have all the kind of donations all the
4:14 condoms and all their jersey numbers on everything do you guys remember was it Drake who put Tabasco in his condom after he was done yeah yeah he did he did do that yeah Tabasco could do and then she tried to like sue him or something but like why are you trying to get his sperm out of the trash can we can't just put Tabasco in the condom that's not right oh sure he puts it as a spermiston I would kill this Fern yeah but that's not fair to her she's trying to get his coat dude it doesn't just make his babies have a higher spice that's weird oh hold on [Laughter] it's pretty crazy protection for Drake to be like I'm gonna need to do this just in case and it worked out yeah they
5:05 have different problems though yeah I wasn't famous enough to work why wouldn't he just kind of upset to me at that point that's my question he already has a kid how many more do you need well ask Nick Cannon because he needs more he needs Tabasco that's true yeah Nick Cannon should just donate sperm with these machines yeah Nick Cannon is like the modern Genghis Khan everyone's gonna be part Nick Cannon in the future he is beautiful like you guys try it if you had this video oh a thousand percent that thing looks way better than what do you I think we actually did thousand percent an article like this you know what there's another one too that's been going around it's a smaller one and people are using little bananas as an example on it and the banana looks like it's having a good time so you put the
5:55 banana wait does the banana go in you well with a a new huge thing and like people like those ████ machines so while they have the VR porn it's just like a whole cinematic experience they're never gonna leave the house why would you leave the house yeah so my friend Ryan pow now he has pillow talk he's like I at least an hour a day of er porn an hour yeah that's how good machine too I don't know about the ████ machine but I know he watches an hour of VR he's like it changed my life I mean here's if I'm masturbating I'm doing it for at least two hours and two hours two hours I I like to come a lot and like my assistant is like Adelia like didn't you I'm like yes I'm coming like seven times did you try to break records no is there a number that you're like I'm gonna hit eight today no
6:53 [Laughter] can you just use a tripod yeah so that's not even for Content just for you no that's just that's just for me self-love let's go find content and like you're supposed to be putting on a performance but if I'm just masturbating I want to like lay back I want my stomach rolls out and I just want to be like enjoying myself right watching TV yeah fun fact I like to masturbate to like movies or like TV shows that I'm like that's ████ hot what show yeah yeah what's the job the office Wolf of Wall Street Wall Street coming out in that scene uh the one where she's got her legs open on the floor yeah no no not that one that's that's when she first comes out yeah when she's at the party yeah I know naked naked the orgy scene no
7:47 [Applause] not the not the candle wax on the on his butt not Jonah Hill's child do you know that one was ████ funny I love Jonah Hill so much yeah one of the rocky was hot and wolfen walls yeah that was yeah that was like a breakout hotness like overload oh for sure yeah it was like a Megan Fox and Transformers moment I heard that orgy scene smelled really bad really it's yours what the janitor told you go out on a plane the The Wolf of Wall Street window but on the plane I think I forgot yeah it would be the plain one it was I don't know they had one right I was high when I what's the TV show that you masturbate to the last of us and why is it night rider Knight Rider I
8:38 feel bad about just watched her uh like documentary like Pam talked about Baywatch oh no ham and Tommy yeah and then she looks like really bad for masturbating to it but I don't think she'd find that if you know anybody a lot of people masturbated to the original anyways the boat when they're when they're ████ on the boat see I didn't do it to that I didn't this is my public apology I am so sorry Pam I thought you had your had been sent and Tommy was on Ward my bad dude the story the real story is sad yeah like it did not do her any good so flick it flick into it it's the the news stories that's out she's super cool yeah dude her personality the thing because like when I read I read I didn't like see the stuff about
9:28 Pam Anderson saying like I didn't give consent I saw the part where like Tommy was like it was based off my book and he was involved so I'm like if Tommy was involved Pam is probably like you know yeah it's to be assumed yeah that weren't accurate so I don't I don't do it anymore but I was so my bad I'm still a feminist you know what I'm not a bad person I think she gave you a pass bro I also apologize for my teen self uh I thought that that distribution of material was just free for everybody yeah it was one of the first shows that gave me a boner see that's kind of romantic you know what I mean the slow balls that video hey I remember me and all my friends watching TV like when it was like a big box shaped tee with the glass curved
10:18 screen yeah and then like we're like oh my dick's so hard is yours are hard all of us are so hard for watching Baywatch like let's go pee in the toilet roll did you guys sword Wyatt yeah we're just peeing all over the toilet because everyone's dick so hard because you can't peep down everyone just ████ pissing everyone's bent over what the ████ [Music] all right [Music]
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