0:05 Welcome back to Careful Boys. Today we're talking about is it cool to be friends with your ex's brother or sister? >> Whoa, dude, that's so specific. >> Right? >> Do you have some example or something? >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, >> Oh, so >> Are any of you guys ex- uh friends with your ex's brothers and sisters? >> I'm not, but I do know like the stuff that I thought was very black and white, I would never. I feel like the older you get, the more gray area and complicated things are. So, for example, uh Gio's oldest sister, who's like, I don't know, 50, 55 or something. Um her and her dude were married, and you know when you're married, you there's just part of the family, then that dude and Gio's brother became really close friends. So, even though and then they're all family, right? And for like 15 years,
0:55 then the sister and the dude gets a divorce, those two dudes are still buddies, they still watch games together or whatever, and then my ignorant like dumb ass at 25 trying to like hold this ████ high moral standard, I remember visiting there and then witnessing the dynamic, I'm like, what the ████ ████ that, I would never do that, you know? But then as I get older, I'm like, no, it kind of makes sense. I was ████ Yeah. Also, I I didn't realize how much freedom and choice you have when you live in a big city. Cuz like once I moved to like Hawaii, and then it's it's actually a small town. Like and everyone knows each other, right? And I was like, damn, and and it has like, yeah, this is kind of like how I grew up. And she goes like, when you when you don't have many choices for like who you date, and you
1:45 know everybody, she's like, there's no escape from that. Like you're a big city guy, and like like you have access to like you can, you know, reinvent yourself, you can meet new people. She goes like, it doesn't work like that when you're from a small town. Everyone just knows each other by default. >> see your ex at the pub. >> Yeah, you and everyone dates each other. So she's all like, yeah, like when you go and then if you stay within the community, you're going to go to the same churches, you're going to go to the same places. She goes there's no option. You know the same people. >> sense. >> So when there's functions and events, you can't just opt out of it. Like but in a big city she goes you can find a whole new friend group, you could do whatever. And I was like, damn, I didn't even think of that because >> we can. Like we can You could be a con artist all your life in LA and you could still be conning because people don't know who the ████ you are. >> That's true. >> Like I feel like if me and Gio got a divorce, but because of how close me and
2:35 her mom are now, every Mother's Day I would probably still send her flowers. You know, just cuz I think as you get older it's just you have you build a different rapport and investment with with people and it's like it's not as black and white as before and if I were to date, like let's say someone younger, it would be harder to explain like >> Why are you still sending Gio's mom flowers? You want to ████ Gio still or whatever? >> You know, it's like I think when you get older it's just like, no, because she was she's my kids grandma. You know, it's just there's like so many more like like the the web is way different. >> still like call Gio's mom and check in and stuff? >> I probably would. >> But even when you're you're with this young hottie who doesn't understand? >> I think I probably wouldn't. I mean, unlike Anthony, I probably wouldn't get with a young hottie. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Probably like an old granny? >> Not an old granny, but I think there's
3:26 I think to have a real relationship work out, they'd probably have to be 30 plus, for sure. >> Just yeah. >> There's I need them to be preloaded with certain software and they can't be >> Even just references and stuff I feel like. >> Yeah. >> If you're too distant, you like what are you talking about? You're like you're like, "Oh, well we used to watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." And they're like, "Oh, like what in the hell is that?" Like ████ like that like I can't do it. deal. >> Or I can't have a serious conversation and I'm messing around and she's like, "Oh, that's cap." I need you to speak my lingo, bro. We could ████ around and say dumb ████ like that, but like >> But don't But don't you think it's different when it's like um when you marry, right? And then you have a kid together and you're family now and I think that just changes the game completely >> yeah. Then like >> you're just dating and like in your 20s,
4:17 yeah, you're just dating. You've never been in a relationship over a couple years. It's It's easy to like walk away from that ████ So I I feel like you don't really establish a relationship that long where it's worth it to stay friends with the ex's family members. >> Yeah, I had an ex whose brother was dope. He was a dope dude. Uh and he used to sell like dog toys on the internet, so he was like really smart guy, like he really did well for himself. And he was just We would always kick it and we'd watch sports and stuff together, but then like when me and my ex split, it just became awkward to like hang or even to reach out. I just felt like It almost felt like I was almost like It felt like I was maybe going to be perceived as using him to get back with her or something like that. I just >> It can be. It can be, yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. >> made me uncomfortable to even think that that could be perceived that way.
5:07 But it just sucks cuz like you don't want to split because you you dig the guy. And you don't really explain like It's kind of an inherent thing where it's like we kind of know that we're not going to be close for a while. >> Yeah. >> And it's just weird cuz I think as when you're younger, too, you're trying to avoid conversations cuz when you're older, you don't just don't give a ████ But then if you're 25, they're like, "Oh, how did you and this guy meet?" "Oh, it was my ex's brother." Then people are like, "Oh, weird." >> It is, right? >> Yeah. But when you're when you're like 40, then you're just like, "Oh, it was my ex's brother and I don't give a ████ what you think. He's dope." >> Yeah. Yeah. But if Yeah, like if you're talking to like a teenager, I would tell that dude just detach completely cuz that's just stupid to just keep that like, you know, like that's kind of you also have to learn that that's the brakes. Like, oh, if you if you decide to break up with someone, it comes with more than just that person not being in
5:57 your life. >> Yeah. >> Like everything you established together, you kind of do have to let go of it. But then like we were saying, once you're older, you kind of already have the track record to show that like you're mature enough to kind of compartmentalize people differently and that you're not just thinking of your ex when you hang out with her. You know what I mean? Like >> And then cuz then inevitably comes up, so how's she doing? Like that kind of stuff. It's >> You don't want to be like you don't want to have that be the nucleus either of why you hanging, you know. >> Yeah. >> But then also you should consider how that person might feel, too. Maybe, you know, maybe it's weird for them to hang out with you, too. >> Exactly. >> But then like I was telling you about my um one of my closest friends I've known since I was a kid, he's got that situation exactly uh going on right now where he's he's dating this new girl and he's very serious about her. And this guy is same age as me, but he currently still um his ex-wife's sibling still lives in his
6:49 house. >> Woah. >> Yeah. >> Cuz he's he was taking care of her. >> the time at the time when they were together, he allowed the sibling and her kid to move in. And like that helped them out immensely. But because of the divorce, it it's like he felt like it wasn't fair to have to kick her out, too, because that ████ her situation up so abruptly. So he's like, let me give her time till I get on her feet and like you know. So he's not talking to his ex-wife at all, but his ex-wife's sister is still there with her kid. >> Damn. When you're family and then you un-family. >> Yeah, it's tough, but then, you know. And then and then his new girl was like she had she was a little bit she had a little problem with it at first. But his explanation was pretty on point. He was just like, if that's the only baggage I have and we're trying to date in our 40s, like that's not that bad.
7:39 Compared with like, you You doesn't have kids, he doesn't have like crazy exes slashing your tires. It's nothing. They're just adults, you know? >> what's crazy, my dad and his oldest brother had so much beef that even though they are family, they still unfamilied each other. So, when there's big gatherings, they would both ask, "Is he going to be there?" And then the other one just wouldn't even show up. And that's crazy that it's not even the ex's brother or whatever, but >> They're They're just brothers. They're blood brothers. >> Did Did he ask that at the funeral of your dad? >> No, cuz he was older, so he passed first. That guy passed first. >> That'd be hella funny, though. Is he going to be there? >> That's the in-laws and people that are not really blood family, and then some You're just like, "F███ this ████ I don't ever want to see
8:30 this person." So, that's probably why you get older, you're just like, "Huh, you know what? Like, I chose this person to be in the round. Like, I don't want to be around this motherfucker." >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Cuz there's like everyone right now, there's like a lot of people talking about um What do you call it? It's like estranging their parents. >> Oh, yeah. >> Like Like What do you call it? Going going no contact, yeah. >> Going no contact. Yeah, yeah. That's kind of what I want to do, but I feel so guilty. I can't. >> like you wanted to do that. You were like, "What's this?" You got all excited. >> They're probably in way I want to, but I just feel so guilty. It's a lot of millennials. And it's crazy cuz like I thought it was like a like a like a Asian thing or like a you know, but there's just hella people just talking about going no no contact from their parents. Um their boomer parents. The It's the
9:20 same thing. Like whatever >> ████ up their whole life. >> Their whole generation, they they they gaslight, they pretend that things didn't happen, they're super selfish. It's just a weird generation. >> How long do you think you could actually go without talking to your mom? >> Um legit? >> Yeah, without being guilty boy and like picking up the phone. >> Ah, guilty boy Guilty boy comes in fast. >> Okay. >> But, I think I could do probably a year. >> Wow. Well, cuz when COVID happened and she was stuck there, I was like, "Yay!" And then I think around the And I would still text her, "Are you Are you okay?" Like I I obviously want to know she's okay. But then around the 2-year mark, I was like, "Oh, man, I think I kind of miss her a little bit." Then she came back and I was like, "F███, I wish COVID was like 3 years." >> You're like, "Yeah, there's a new strain. Uh, we should probably uh not
10:11 >> Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but presence makes it run away. >> That definitely is the dynamic though. That's It's just normal, I feel like with most first-gen Asians that every time your parents are not around you, you're just like, "I'm a bad son. I suck. I need to spend more time. I need to do something." You get face-to-face, you're like, "F███ THIS S███." IT'S JUST It's just so normal. I'm like, "Man, I want to hear my mom's voice." She calls you, I'M LIKE, "WHAT?" YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST ████ I'm I'm not I'm sure that most kids are like that with their parents no matter what the race, but I think you just accept it after a while and you're like, "That's just how we roll, Mom." >> My mom just like all of the sudden out of nowhere just texts, "Are you mad at me?" {question mark} >> What? >> That's when I know >> It's been too long and I ████ up and I have to call her. >> You got to call her every day? >> No. No, no. I I I call her like every 3 weeks or so.
11:01 >> Do all your siblings have to rotate like the attention of like >> No, my My siblings are way better at calling my mom than I am. Yeah, way better at it. >> So, you're the least >> I probably call her the least, yeah, probably. But yeah, if I'll know every time I I get a "Are you mad at me?" I'm like, "Okay, it's time. I I I'll I'll call her today." Like or else, you know, she gets all She just starts stewing in her brain about it. Yeah. And I think it's just >> There's no reason to be mad at all like >> No, nothing. I don't I'm like, "Mom, I can't even think of the last time I was mad at you in the last like decade and a half. But she'll just make up something in her head. Because my I think I think it's because my other siblings call so much more than I do. >> Oh, yeah. >> Hey, we should all start texting Steve. Are you mad at me every few days? >> I talk to you guys way more than my mom, dude.
11:51 >> Yeah, I don't talk to my mom that all I think. >> At all? >> I try I mean it's I try not to. I try not to. >> It just triggers so much and then like I want to be a good boy and I just don't want to Yeah, it's just >> Does she still send you links to stuff and like YouTube videos? AI videos? >> You know what it is? It's the stuff that she when we talk cuz it's so little on the phone, it's so ████ abrasive that I have to immediately set boundaries. So we don't have a conversation cuz we have to create the rules of the conversation where I rather just uh Hey mom, like what are you going to do next month? Come stay with me for a week or two. Then things can be resolved fast, you know? And then we can like talk cuz none of it's bad intentions, but it's just I'm not used to the way that she talks.
12:42 So she already just comes off in a way that I'm not going to receive this well. >> Are you able to do that? >> Have you ever tried to just allow yourself to be uh abraised basically? >> It's too hard. >> I That's That kind of helped my relationship with my parents is like is like uh I just let it happen and if if I have to sit there and ████ chabo and listen to them like ████ to me about stuff that has I can't even change. I'm just like I just laugh and I just take it. I'm like this ████ sucks, but all right, you know? Like >> I have to be ready to like deal with all of her ████ >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> And I have to be ready also to receive a lot of pictures of ████ koi fish because my Because my mom raises hella koi fish like and they're it's spawning season. She'll tell me about that. She'll send me a picture of this one who's isn't he cute? And like I got to just be ready to pretend to care about all that ████ you
13:32 know. >> That's true. It is like taxing to have to enter that headspace in order to like deal with it. >> Yeah. >> But you know, much satisfaction from roasting her. >> So that I can't just >> It's like payback, ████ >> Yeah. You know, me too cuz my mom's like, "We're not white trash, Steven. We are not white trash." Cuz she'll see clips cuz you'll post these ████ clips. And then she's like, "We are not white trash, Steven. White trash people, they don't even have teeth." Like ████ like that, you know. >> Show her the satellite image of >> Yeah, exactly. I'm like, "Mom, we are we had a ████ double wide parked in front of the front." She's like, "Well, that's Clarence, the boy. Why don't you tell him to move it, but he wouldn't and all this s███." It's like, "It's still there. It's still there." >> My my mom was staying with us for like a week, and then we were all cooking in the kitchen for dinner, and I pulled out like a spatula. >> Remember this? I was like, "What do you
14:22 mean? You used to hit me with this." AND I WAS LIKE, "PAPA, PAPA, PAPA, PAPA." I WAS RUNNING ALL OVER THE KITCHEN. I WAS LIKE, "OH, SAVE ME. Save me." And then my mom's like, >> IT FEELS SO GOOD. >> JUST LIKE I WAS LIKE, "YOU did that." >> It's crazy her little her little chanty chimy things never calmed her down enough to >> Yeah, right. That ████ don't work. >> Didn't work at all.
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