0:00 [Music] Did you ever get classically rejected by somebody? Like just very plainly rejected when you were trying to like date them >> and if so which which way did you get rejected? >> Okay, this is actually true. So, I was I was I so I had a friend who from improv and of course, right? And I met her neighbor like just like walking around outside like her place and I thought her neighbor was like really cute and stuff and so I I went up to her neighbor and I was like talking her up and stuff and then I don't know eventually like after seeing her a couple times I was like, "Hey, we should go out like like I'll take you somewhere. It'll be fine." And she was like, "Okay, yeah, I'm done." And then um and then into the date, like I don't know, like like 45 minutes in the date, like she she finds out that like I'm pretty Republican and stuff and she's not vibing that like at all. Like
0:51 she's not vibing that. >> Pretty Republican >> in college, dude. Or >> no, this is like, you know, when I was in improv, so it was like 2007 with everybody. >> Tell me about it, dude. It's like you're It's like ████ John Wick everywhere. But yeah, so I was I was >> You can't be in comedy in the Republican. It doesn't match. >> Yeah. So after that, she's like, "I don't know. So what do you want to do? Like you want me to just like like you want to leave here and I like suck your dick and like we'll just like say later see you later." And I was like >> she was down to still suck your dick. And I was like, "That sounds kind of tight." >> Like I'll still suck your dick, but we're not doing anal cuz you're Republican. >> Well, I'll never forget that line. I was like that's a pretty that's a memorable >> that's a good compromise. >> That's awesome, man. See, you didn't get rejected. >> I don't believe that. Oh, I did because it didn't happen. >> Yeah, that part. >> Yeah, that that part didn't happen. >> But because it's Hollywood, I I expect it to be real. >> Yeah, I know. It was a little teaser.
1:41 Didn't >> like if only. >> How'd you fumble that? >> Right. >> But yeah, I think she's just like, I'm not going to date no Republican guys or whatever. So, >> that'sough your dick. >> Not only in comedy, but in that specific scene of comedy. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> It's like you live really not a give a blowy. >> They kind of do. >> I think they're like >> no attachments. Anybody self-loathing knows how to give a blow. >> You don't hate yourself. >> Improv people aren't even Democrat. They're all Green Party. >> Really? >> I I beg to differ. >> I don't think they know what that is, baby. >> I don't How did you even think of that? That's pretty nice. >> Jill Stein peoples. >> There's this Here's a really classic plain one. I just like remembered uh one of my friends used to bring this one girl around. Like they're both girls and I was like, "Oh, she's really cool." And then like every time we would go out, she'd just bring this extra friend. I was like, "Oh, that's really cool." And
2:31 then I one day I was just like, "Hey, do you want to like maybe like hang out at like a totally different time or whatever?" And she was just like, "Oh, I have a boyfriend." And I was like, "Okay, cool." And then like um the the next time I was hanging with the other friend, I was like, "Oh, dude, that's crazy that the what's her name has a boyfriend." And then she was just like, "Oh yeah." And then like I just knew that like ████ Yeah. It's like you just know when like that friend is like what they're saying between the lines and I was like, "Oh, okay. It's not a real Yeah, exactly. That's one of the most safest ways to like >> turn something down, >> but then it's really funny when the like you can feel how in cahoots the friend is about like covering for it. It's like, yeah, >> but like doesn't know how to segue out of it, >> but like nothing follows that. They just go, "Yeah, >> you probably quit too early. You probably should have pressed it and been like, he probably >> guy that's mining for the diamonds."
3:22 >> Yeah. Yeah. He He probably don't like you like that. Like I could treat you better. >> It's just like very plain. And I think those I think the really plain ones are the most like humbling ones cuz they just they're not fancy. >> It's just a normal like no thank you kind of thing, you know? >> When I was in middle school, there's this chick that really liked me and I and uh I decided to go ahead and like >> I I just felt bad cuz I didn't know how to reject her. So I just didn't know what to do. So like for 2 days I was her boyfriend or whatever. And then I was just I felt so guilty because I shouldn't have said yes that like I called her on the phone and I just sort of blanked because I didn't know what to say because I'd never done this before like that kind of thing. And so I just said like I just I swear to God I started just like monologuing from Batman 1989 to her. Like I was like, you know how like like I was like, you know how some people like they get up and they go to a job and they eat breakfast and like I I was like doing that
4:13 monologue he does to Vicky Vil and like before the Joker comes in the apartment cuz I didn't know what to say. Like I had no idea what to say and I was like why am I saying this? As I'm saying I'm like why why am I ████ saying this? cuz I I was like like falling back to a comfort. It was like a comfort food or something. And so I'm just monologuing this Batman 1989 Michael Keaton monologue to Vicky Vale and by the end of it I was like and I it was just a deep pause after I said that and I was just like yeah. So I and I was like don't say I'm Batman. That's the next part. So I was like I I can't be with you. I'm sorry. I can't be with you. I can't be with you anymore. Like that was how I ended it and I hung off. >> Oh my god. >> That was weird. That was it. I know. She had to on her line. She had to be like, "What the ████ was that?" >> Picture of her like, >> "Did you just say that word for word?" >> I didn't know that that happened. And you're like, >> Tim Burton's back >> your nails and checking out the entire time. Ew.
5:03 >> You're like the You're like the real life version of those like stereotypes in movies where they just start taking lines from Karate Kid or some ████ >> I'm telling you, Anthony Riz me Jizz. >> Like I don't know ████ >> No, but Anthony did that same thing. remember he did there was a girl that like he he didn't like she liked him a lot but he would because he wanted that attention he kept going back to her >> even though like he had no intention and she was like oh so funny she was like a two or something >> I did it for 2 days Anthony is way more messed up >> yeah but remember Anthony used to be fat so that's why he had low self-esteem I don't think I didn't think he was fat anymore this time this is college but he still had fat boy tendencies >> fat boy psychology of a fat boy >> fat boy brain is I uh >> How about you? You guys pretty embarrassed, but you're just perfect all the time your whole life. >> No, I'm just trying to think of uh getting rejected, but >> can't get just can't get rejected if you
5:54 never try, right? >> Chocolate thrown at me when I was in >> chocolates. >> Elementary school on Valentine's Day. >> What? >> That means he liked you. >> No, he was like did not like me. >> No, that's like it would have been social suicide if he was like to date you. She's wear she wore glasses and shirt like >> I can't date a little clean. >> On Valentine's Day, my mom had forced me to give the guy that I liked all that stuff. And then he ended up walking up with his friends and screamed at me and said, "I don't like you." And threw all of it. >> Oh, he maybe doesn't like you then. >> But then >> he brought his I like you. I like my friends. >> This is pre- puberty though, right? >> Yeah. Exactly. >> Oh yeah. Guys don't want a Valentine. >> And then fast forward high school days. He finds me and then he wants to ask me. >> Oh, he found you on Facebook. He's like, "Hey, Colleen, I think it's pretty cool that you grew some boobs." >> Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. And I was I was like, "Hey, David. Uh, I think it's not cool that you grew boobs."
6:49 >> Yo, I had I didn't have I didn't have rejections. Mine was just like ████ brutal. >> What do you mean? >> Damn, dude. You're like looking in the distance, right? >> Look at that thousand yard stare you had. >> Oh, yeah. I remember just trying to talk to girls I liked and then she was like, "Yeah, I'll get your number." And then she messaged me and go like, "Yo, what was your boy's number?" Oh yeah. Oh, that's that hurts. Yeah. >> Yeah. So, I don't know it was a rejection. It was more like a ████ smacked in the face. >> She's like, "Yeah, the non-Asian one." >> Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. >> Not Korean. I like the white guys >> pretty much, man. It was just like, "All right, all right, all right. Here's his number." >> You gave the number? >> Yeah, I gard his number. I was I don't give a ████ Oh, >> that's like when my buddy I was watching a Pacers game and he's like, "Hey, can you bet um Knicks on your app?" And I was like, I'm leaving your ████ house right now. >> How could you ask me that right now? >> Are you crazy? Yeah, you know about
7:40 that. It's freaking pissed me off. Why would you Why would you hand the baton off? I would never. I'd be like, I'm not giving you this ████ number. >> Go work for it. >> Oh, yeah. Go get it. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, that is pretty. All >> I remember doing all the work to get her number. >> Yeah, that's a thing. I remember that. >> Good times. >> But you know what's funny is I like uh with with being in like a crew, which is like a sick thing to do. um you deal with that a ton. I think that's a very normal thing where like sometimes the girls cuz you're going everywhere together all the big social interactions as a group. So there's a high chance that you might be talking to a girl at a party and she from the get- go wanted to get with the other guy. So you just kind of have to be like, "Okay, cool." And then just like hand it off or like or set it up nicely. You know, there's like this one time I remember there was it was in uh I think it was it was in Miami and there was like some Latin girl I was talking to and then like when when it got real quiet and I
8:31 thought we were going to have like a nice like breakthrough in our conversation, she was just like, "What do I have to do to get to your friend?" >> She was like talking about Dietrix and she was like, "How do I get to your friend? What do I need to do?" >> And you were like, "Not have a weird accent." And you're like, >> "Is my hair not is my hair not gay enough for you?" >> Yeah. You want the gayer guy? >> Yeah. >> Okay. >> No, >> I tried to make it extra gay today. I don't know what the hell else to do. >> And we would just learn like you'd learn that rhythm of like, okay, let me set this up then. You know, like it's kind of a it would be like a no hard feelings thing at that point. >> Yeah, maybe she has a friend. >> That's nice. >> You know, like you set her up with somebody and then maybe she has a friend. >> Dude, I thought your hair was gay and I saw old picture Drix and I was like, Jesus, >> that was I was the one who cut his hair. >> Yeah, >> I'm I'm responsible for both of our gayness. >> Fire. You both look like Karen's at a diner.
9:21 >> Hey Karen, that Karen look came from us, man. >> I think most of my rejections came from Tiff, bro. >> Still to this day. >> To this day. >> I remember we we went out to we I took her to homecoming and it was like a big deal for us cuz my only stories are from when we were ████ in high school. Our dating stories. And it wasn't really We had a great night. We were like this is the first time we're like holding hands. She's like cuddling me and all that. And I was like, "Wo, this is happening." So, at the end of the night, I drop her off and I'm like, "Bro, I'm about to kiss this chick, dude." >> Right. I lean in for a kiss and she turns her head and I go right on the cheek. Oh, god. And then I was like, "All right, I'll see you later." You know, she gets out and then it was like mad awkward. >> You do burnout. >> Show her how cool I am. >> Can you man? >> No. With my with my Honda Cord with the automatic seat belts, bro. >> Oh, those ones you
10:13 >> And it was like hella awkward. And then she kind of like didn't talk cuz she was kind of like freaked out too cuz she was like there cuz we were like really good friends at that time. >> She's like I did not get my permission. That's these days. She's like I did not give my permission. >> You did not get my consent. >> That's an essay. But >> I remember that time that was a big blow to me and she kind of was like kind of like standoffish a little bit cuz we were like we were like >> early fresh uh early seniors in high school. >> And I just remember feeling like >> I thought I did everything correct. >> I was a perfect gentleman. Kiss you right on the cheek. I could have pulled your head in. Yeah. >> And she and and then afterwards she kind of warmed back up cuz she was like, "Oh, I think I think I have feelings for you, ████ ████ dude." >> Oh, >> she wasn't sure at first. >> Yeah. She wasn't She kind of was like, "Oh my god, this is kind of weird." You know, cuz she she felt uncomfortable. >> Yeah. >> Right. >> But at the time, I took it. >> Catches you off guard. >> This ████ rejected me, brother.
11:03 >> But for her, she's like, "I don't even know." >> I still bring it up to this day. I'm like, "Can't believe you ████ did that." >> Hey, the real question is, how was your drive home after that? >> I was like, >> "Were you like shaking hot? Like I I just end this whole ████ right now. >> What did I just do? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was looking for the the the perfect concrete wall I could drive into. >> Yeah. >> Even laying in bed that night just looking at the ceiling. It's like, oh, you just rethink everything, right? >> But it didn't get worse until like I texted her and then she was like kind of dry and I was like, >> um, at least you didn't. I ruined this. >> I blew it. >> Yeah, I blew it. I I ruined it by trying to kiss her. >> I hate those feelings and just like you guys are both quiet. >> So insecure. >> Yeah. You did this, huh? >> No, it's dry. A. >> Oh wow. >> Did you jack it? >> I was jacking all the time. >> Yeah, he was a jackman, man. >> It was It was a It was just a part of the ritual. >> Yeah. That guy was dad had to tell him,
11:54 "Stop jacking off in the ████ toilet. >> I'm getting ████ worried about you. You're jacking too hard. It's >> too much. Your socks everywhere. Hot socks everywhere." >> Yeah. >> What the ████ >> Yeah. This is a Chinese accent. >> If you had to score yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 how good you are, Jack, and yourself, what do you think your score? Probably like 10 11. I'm confident I can do that. >> Beyond 10. >> Funny cuz it's like how do you like what's the >> seven 7.2? >> I always finish. >> You're always job done. >> That's just the guy I am, you know. >> Yeah. What do you compare it to? >> Stone on turn. >> I never jacked it with a sock before. >> I I thought that was just like a joke. >> I thought that was thing in movies only. >> I thought it was American pie. >> Well, it's it's it's so you can just clean it up real fast. >> What? Why sock though? Can't you just use a tissue? >> No, cuz tissue you got to like you can't
12:45 just put it in the trash can. Cuz if you use a tissue, put it in the trash can, your trash can go stank dank. >> Why did you put Yeah, put in the toilet leak. >> Flush it down the toilet now. >> Well, if you try to use a toilet paper, right, it might get stuck. >> It'll get stuck >> on your dangling dang. >> Oh, I see. I see. I see. Oh, I see. I see. I see. >> The socks is the only one where you you just could probably do it. >> Why don't you just use like a a towel? Cuz then you got to drop >> cuz I'd have to use a beach towel and you can't use it again. >> Sick. >> You ████ kidding me? You got to wash the whole towel. >> Use a washcloth. >> You just ruined that towel for use a damn curtain. >> You just throw it in the washer real quick and call it a >> Why don't you use tablecloth? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you use the curtains? >> A PE shirt. >> Anybody got some XXL hockey jerseys?
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