0:00 Your mom has never said I love you. >> No, she's shown it to me in in a lot of ways, but actually saying the words. Literally never. >> Is that even a word that they use? >> Do you feel like you want it? Do you want to start saying I love you and stuff? Or are you You're good. >> I I'm not really to dive into that right now. [laughter] >> Welcome back to another episode of Careful Boys. Today we have Bart, Joe, and Bonos. >> And Ryan. >> Hey, Ryan. >> Um, when, if you can hopefully find one of these in your brain, when was the last time your mom said she was proud of you? >> Oh my gosh. With Asian parents, it's a never. >> There's really no spot you can look back and find it. >> No, I love you and no, I'm proud of you.
0:50 >> She's never said I'm proud of you one time. No, because with Asian parents, immigrant Asian immigrant parents, if they're proud of you, >> they don't want you to stop there. So, they're not going to say they're proud of you. They're just going to make you keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that twisted or what? >> It's twisted. >> That's what you experience, too, right? You had to have if you're a level 11 train. >> They don't want you to be complacent. And where you at? >> Yeah. Cuz I would I asked my mom that when I was a kid. And I'm like, "Hey, like, uh, how come you never say I'm smart or whatever, whatever?" And she'd always be like, "If I told you that, they're not going to keep going." And I was like, "What the hell?" >> Damn. Did Well, I guess in a way it sort of works. >> Really? Cuz all my white friends, they keep going way further cuz they keep getting rewarded the whole way through. >> They're like, "That's smart. That's
1:40 smart. That's smart. That's smart. Everything's smart. That's good. Keep going." If you were in uh when you were in boot camp with the drill sergeant, take a moment and be like, "You're doing really good." [laughter] Drill sucker. No, >> I just WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU'RE DOING A BANG UP JOB, QUAN. >> Their job though is different. It's like if you have nails that are popping out too much, those get smacked down. And then the ones that are on the bottom, they get smacked down the other way. And then everyone's even. Now we get all these guys to move through this thing together. >> Yeah. I guess parentally that would be like pretty sad to never get nurtured at all. >> Like you know like with from from a parent. >> Yeah. >> I mean I guess they shouldn't be like a drill sergeant. >> Yeah. But then I think that's what made boot camp easier cuz I that's kind of similar. I feel like all Asians kind of go through some sort of like upbringing
2:30 like that. >> They do it in different ways cuz like um I think Chinese people show a little bit more emotion than Japanese. Um, but I know like affection isn't a physical affection isn't a very Asian thing. >> Like >> I know like uh at least for Japanese when you start school for boys there's no more physical affection between mom and son. >> It's like it's time for you to not be a baby anymore. So that's why no more hugs, kisses, all that stuff. >> But they show love in a different way. So, like, you know, when all the boys get the lunch boxes and the mom ████ hooks it up with like a happy face and like a cool design, >> that's their way of showing love. >> That is pretty awesome. >> And then like I think a lot of people don't get it cuz it's like it's not the ████ saying, but it's a acts of service love, right? Yeah.
3:21 >> And then it was hella emotional for like a lot of um seniors >> like at the that's going to be like the last lunch your mom makes for you. So everybody like opens it up and then like they go, "Thank you, mom." And they write letters back to them and it's like a big like like thing because that's kind of like the last way they can show affection because now you're a man. Now it's time for you to get to the next stage. And it's like they can still do it, but now you got to find that from your wife. >> Yeah. So, it's like these different stages of like babying someone is looked upon as like, "Bro, you're still like latched on to mom's titty. Like, let him go. He's on your umbilical cord." You know, cuz um I had a bunch of kids crack up and laugh at me cuz I was like holding my mom in the train and then like I had my head on her shoulder like that. [laughter]
4:12 >> Yeah. And then like I was like 15 and all these like kids were looking at me and ████ laughing and clowning me like mama's boy. >> And I was like what the ████ Why is he doing that? My mom's like yeah like they don't do that here. >> That is really funny in high school. >> Only because you're boys and you're waiting to find something to make fun of. >> Yeah, it's a little more like >> But they were younger than me, bro. I was 15 and they had to be like 9 or 10 and they're like ████ mama's boy. And I'm all just like, "Dude, I'm tired. I'm jetlagged." >> And I need my mommy. >> You [laughter] and your mom are just like >> I asked my mom like, "How come you never told me you love me?" And then I was like, "How do I even know how you love me?" And she goes, "You know I love you cuz I beat your ████ ass." Cuz she was like, "If I if I didn't care, I wouldn't beat your ass." >> And you're like, "I wish you cared less."
5:02 >> The fact she administered any discipline at all is proof. That's That's my love language. [laughter] Beating your ass. >> I do think you're right. The the Asian immigrant um like a common love language is acts of service. Cutting the fruit, making the food, doing your laundry. They do all the stuff for you, >> but the words of affirmation is out the door. >> They almost see probably they see acts of service as above words of affirmation. Huh. Like that's more than saying it. >> Yeah. Like I think for them, well the I can only speak about like Japanese, but I think it's the >> Japanese sounds pretty cold. >> Holding back what you want to do impulsively is more important. So if you want to impulsively like >> hug the ████ out of your kid in front of everyone, kiss him up 20 times and then like >> but then it's like it's like practicing that restraint and letting them suffer a
5:55 little bit to grow is the ultimate love. >> Wow. >> Okay. Imagine this. It's like if you cuddle them, right? That's how they see it as the longer you cuddle them, the more you prevent them from growing up. >> Yeah. Which is true in some aspects for >> you're letting them kind of like go out into the wild. >> Be their own person. >> So, you set them up for success. And I think that's how they see it as it's like, I'm beating your ████ ass to get straight A's cuz you're so young right now. You have no idea how you can ruin your life by not setting yourself up. And what I'm trying to do is by the time you're 40, you'll resent me, but you'll be set up and you'll be thankful that you're not a ████ crackhead. And I think that's how they're thinking about >> never want to talk to me ever again, >> right? Yeah. And we'll have no relationship. >> Like the part I think that sucks about So like I really love Asian parents intentions and their effort and
6:46 discipline is insane. But the part where I feel like they really missed the mark um is that they place their act I mean their love language above your >> above yours. Yeah. >> So instead of going okay what's this kid's love language if I nurture this this guy could be a self-motivated person and extremely succeed and will have the most amazing relationship. It's more so this is what I like and I'm going to force feed you this and then you end up creating this crazy trauma >> where the kid you when the kid becomes an adult you don't even know who your kid is because I've been one way pushing this relationship and now there's this crazy trauma between us two. >> Yeah. And now you can't connect >> and you can't connect at all because this whole time you've been having a fake relationship technically. >> But it's crazy cuz you we do know I do know that they love me
7:36 >> cuz I can feel it from the effort. >> Yes. It's there. It's just it's not what you need. It's not your It's not how you receive love. >> But I also don't think that they un they don't understand what it means to be your own person. There's no such thing as own person >> because like the way they grew up is >> they are the property of their parents. >> So like I don't know if it's the same for all Asians, but like you're not an individual. So like and I think it's like you're not you're not a you're not a thinking breathing sentient being that has their own decisions to make. you are being guided by me because you don't know ████ and I'm building you. And I think that's kind of how they see it or like that's at least how my mom explained it is like >> okay >> each generation is responsible >> for this is what I live through. This is what I was taught and here's what I would have done. So they're kind of
8:26 stageming your growth. >> It's like the way animals pass DNA knowledge to the next except humans have to do it manually. >> Yeah. And then it's the rule is if we were good obedient Asian kids growing up in Asia, >> you you follow the leader because they live through it, >> right? >> You don't have your own career decisions. That's crazy. >> They tell you what your career is cuz they're like, "If I would have done it, I would have done it this way." >> Tell you what's even possible and then what's just never going to happen. >> But they're telling me to do things they didn't even do. >> Like you be a doctor. Like you're not a doctor. >> Yeah. But then they'll tell you that's because they didn't have the opportunity and you do. >> They want you to be better than them. >> But I do think there's a lot of like things that we attach to Asianness that I realize it was more class. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> So like there's a lot of Asian peasants
9:17 here that are like it's my chance to finally not be a ████ peasant anymore. So they fight hella hard to break through that >> to graduate college first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. >> Asian old money don't ████ act like that. and they celebrate the arts. Like, so that stereotype of like, oh, Asians don't do the arts. And I'm like, no, Asian peasants don't do the arts. >> Yeah, that's very true. Yeah. Cuz even still in Asia, that's how it works. >> Yeah. Like rich Asians aren't talking about like we're not pursuing. They Who do you think the artists are in Asia? Their kids are ████ trust fun kids. [laughter] >> Dang, I didn't think about that either. >> It's not an Asian thing. It's a Asian-American thing cuz most of them are peasants >> and they're like, "Don't waste your ████ time painting. We ain't got time for that s███." >> Yeah. Because if you were rich enough, you wouldn't have left Japan or left
10:07 Philippines. >> Asia has philosophy. We have all these useless degrees and people that study it and like it's cuz they come from old money and it's just the same system. It's like but they're allowed to. I think that's also the immigrant parent uh I guess fallacy of like when they come here and they're trying to like seize every possible opportunity. Yeah. >> Then it's like it's like a hard reset where it's like you are the only hope to like make all of this worth it. >> Yeah. >> So if you ████ this up, you've basically my entire biggest decision of moving the family line out here is totally >> Yeah. >> gone. Feels like it kind of feels like though um you know when a guy is too desperate and when you're too desperate you drive the girl away >> and yes you love her but it's way too much. >> Yeah. >> That's what it feels like. It feels like because your parents feel like they only
10:59 have this one chance to make it right that you they end up driving the kids away. And it's actually very rare that I feel uh Asian the next generation Asian kids have a really good relationship with their parents. I think you're >> cuz they're too desperate. >> I think you're a really really good and clear example because most people that might have the same concerns have not lived to this point that you have where you're seeing very clearly the result of okay, you can be the type of parent now, but it will pay later where you won't have that relationship. And you're telling your mom that now. You're like, hey, we can't connect now because of all this ████ And it's very like a lot a lot of time when I was growing up I felt like that would happen to me the same way where I'm like I'm going to have a resentment for life whatever but it's crazy that yours really did amount to
11:51 having a hardship of being able to connect with your mom >> cuz my mom till this day we talk right we try to have these deep talks like four hours long cuz it takes like an hour or two to break the walls down then she'll be like well like in Taiwan blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and I'm like the key word is in Taiwan in like yeah all of this could have worked there but If we're going to be here, we need to adopt this mindset, you know? And it's like like once a tiger is in the zoo, it's a zoo animal. It's not the Serengeti in ████ Africa anymore. >> And I remember my mom like having her brain click once. Like I'm like, imagine like these a family from Africa >> going to Taiwan and refusing, right, to adopt Taiwanese traditions and like but in Africa? I'm like, you think those kids are going to fit in or they're going to be like like uh ostracized and and kicked out and you think the parents
12:41 are going to have a good relationship? It would make more sense if the whole African family just adopts Taiwanese traditions. And she was like, "Oh s███." >> If they expect to thrive, >> if they expect to thrive. She was like, "Oh ████ I never thought of it like that." >> But she was probably like, "You know what? I understand that, but we're different." [laughter] >> Yeah. >> Or if I was 20 years younger. What did you just say? >> Beat it out of you. Damn, that is true. >> I think that's my mom said the same thing. Like I got lucky like in high school. She's when she recognized it and she goes like I was trying to raise a Japanese boy in America and then she's like how stupid was I to not recognize that the cultures are different. >> Yeah. >> Cuz she's like um when you're in a mono like what do you call it like a monolithic or like one ethnic Japan's just all Japanese people. There's no
13:32 diversity. Everyone only thinks one way. >> So, she didn't realize that the world >> can think so drastically different. >> She was thinking maybe just a little bit different, >> but it was too shocking to where she didn't even see the differences. >> Yeah. >> So, that ignorance kept her in a space where she didn't know that there was a different ways of doing things. She thought there was only one way of doing things. >> And then I was like, damn, well, that makes a lot of sense. So, I give her grace in that where like the options weren't even an option. >> You know what's even crazier to think is that the world that your parents move you to, right? And they're still applying the old rules. The world that we're in now is completely different than it was 10 years ago and we never went anywhere. >> And even to us, it's a different game. >> Yeah. Like from us to Gen Z, they're like just a couple years younger. That's
14:22 it. Imagine, imagine the drastic difference between your parenting style of your mom and dad applying ████ Asia rules to America. Like that's like the distance is enormous. And we can't even really connect now to freaking 2015 very easily. >> They're even outdated for Asia though, bro. Like I found out later [laughter] when I met Japanese peers cuz they evolved too. So like modernizing too. They >> immigrants trap whatever ████ era that they remember of that country >> and then they have a time capsule. >> A big a big like thing in the Japanese community is like they say like Japanese Americans >> are like a historical time capsule. So when Japanese people come and meet and they go, "Oh my god, you're like my grandpa in the way you think, >> but you look like my age." >> Wow.
15:12 >> So like the country moves on. They use different words, >> everything changes. But they're like, "You guys are like a time capsule." >> And I was like, "So this is how Japanese people used to be." >> And I'm like, "What? >> You're out of style even where you came from." [laughter] >> Yeah. >> That makes a lot of sense though. Yeah. >> Yeah. Like I was talking to my mom cuz uh she got to a point started feeling all sad and ████ you know? Oh, I didn't raise you the right way. I'm like I'm like, "You're trying your best." I'm like, I'm not saying like cuz I'm She thinks everything because she's Asian. She thinks everything's a right or wrong. I'm like, it's not right or wrong. I don't need apology or anything. It's just it is what it is, but if we want to move forward and build a better bond, we have to change a few things. But not that you're right or wrong, cuz I know the the hardship that you had. And then I was telling her, even with all the knowledge that I know now, and I'm American and my kid is American, I'm
16:04 ready to have this exact same conversation when my kid's 30 or 40 of all the trauma I put onto him. And my mom was like, cuz you know, it's so hard for parents to admit they're wrong. >> It blew her brains that I'm ready to be wrong cuz she's she's not even ready to admit she's wrong. >> Asian parents can't be wrong. They're never wrong. And it's always because of something else. >> Something else. Yeah. Yeah. >> Always there's some blame on some ████ >> But when I said that I'm ready to be wrong one day, I'm just trying my best, too. It was like, wait, how can you be wrong? If I'm not wrong, you definitely can't be wrong. And I'm like, you're crazy, dude. >> [laughter] >> Well, your mom has never said I love you. >> No, she's shown it to me in in a lot of ways, but actually saying the words. Literally never. >> Is that even a word that they use? >> Yeah, cuz the cuz the kids say it all
16:55 the time. >> I just thought like girls had it easier than than guys in terms of saying I love you. >> Probably dad to daughter rather than mom to >> My dad's not Asian. Or it's different. [laughter] >> Yeah. Her stepdad. Yeah. >> No, cuz like I feel like mom daughter Asian relationships are cold compared to like >> mom son. >> Yeah. Yeah. Or like dad daughter. >> Yeah. >> Like it that seems like a warmer interaction. >> Yeah. >> But you know usually dad daughter Asian though >> she My mom's never said I love you to my brother either. >> Oh dang. >> But like dad daughter Asian relationships is usually gifts. Hella gifts. >> And then mom son is like hella always cooking for him. Yeah. Cooking. Yeah. Taking care. So then there's not even like Wait, do you do you say I love you to your mom? >> No. [laughter] >> Have you ever tried? Have Have you tried
17:46 to say it like recently at all? >> Honestly, at this stage of life, it'd be so weird. >> It is weird, huh? My mom says it every time in my 30s. >> You never You never forced it out of you to like >> It's weird because it's not anything we've ever done. It's never been an exchange. >> If she starts doing it, what would you do? >> What do you >> I don't know. I think it'd be really weird. Be like, "Are you okay? >> Oh, >> are you on drugs?" >> That's what I WOULD WHAT ARE YOU NOT telling me? >> Yeah. I'd be like, are you do you have cancer? [laughter] Like, why are you saying this? >> Does your mom say it to you? >> My mom uh started saying it more. You know, >> I feel like Filipinos are more like loveydovey and emotional. >> My dad doesn't say it at all. My mom My mom will say it. Yeah, she'll say it. But like >> look what my mom said at Tuesday at 6:30 a.m. >> Give me more love. >> And look what I wrote. >> Okay, I love you. >> And then she liked it. [laughter] So I try.
18:36 >> I love how it's not, "Hey son, I love you." It's you give me. >> Exactly. Exactly. >> Just likes it. [laughter] >> She leaves She leaves you on like >> And when she asked me to give her love, I was like, "F███. I don't even want to." I'm like, "What kind of ████ is this?" >> That's very cute though. >> But I'm like, you know what? Okay. But I'm like, you know what? ████ it. I want to build this relationship. Okay. I love you. Good. >> They do always put it on us, though. It's like, why don't you call me? Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? But, you know, they could do it, too. >> You know what's funny, though? Like, I've [laughter] been going around on on reals. Sometimes what will pop up is I thought this was a very Asian thing, but I think it's a boomer thing, okay? >> Cuz hella, white people and black people are saying the same ████ about like >> boomers always putting it on ████ us to do it. Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? It's like, what's stopping you from just saying I love
19:27 you? What's stopping you from visiting? But it's always like, why don't you come visit? >> That is a boomer thing to blame the nextgen that anything is wrong. Yeah. >> And I was like, "Oh my god." I'M LIKE, "THIS IS NOT JUST AN Asian thing. This is a boomer thing >> to be like, housing prices, get a better job." >> Yeah. [laughter] >> Yeah. It's true. >> Like, if you wanted this affection, right? It's like kind I mean, at the end of the day, you are the leader. You're older. You should be setting that example. You should be ████ telling us instead of telling us to do it for you. >> Especially in a culture that has matriarchs and patriarchs. Yeah. It's like why all of a sudden now we have to take the lead when it's convenient. >> I can't eat until you eat, but I got to be the first one to say I love you. [laughter] >> It's ████ hilarious. >> But I think in anything in life, if you want something, then you have to >> do it or invite the energy to get it right.
20:17 >> Do you feel like you want it? Do you want to start saying I love you and stuff or are you You're good. >> I'm not really to dive into that right now. [laughter] >> You know what I So, she's around my son, right? And um I know that she's trying cuz she'll tell him when she sees him, she'll be like, "Oh, like I miss you. I've missed you." I'm like, "Dang, I've never heard her say that before." >> That's easy with when it's a cute little kid, you know? >> It's so cute. And I'm glad that she's trying that kind of affection toward him. Um cuz she's that's growth. That's personal growth for her. >> I heard that does happen. Like you said, how like the thing the way your dad treated Ta Nothing like how you were treated under him. >> And he still treats me like I like Taika's the puppy and I'm the fleece still. Yeah, >> I'm the [laughter] >> No, cuz one time um uh Tao was like
21:08 doing something he's not supposed to when he's like four or five. I'm like, "You go stand in timeout. You messed up." So he goes stand faces the wall like this and he's like crying like [snorts] my dad gives me this ████ dirty look and he gets tissue and he goes dab he goes like this cuz tiger is facing the wall to dab his tears and then he goes up to me goes how could you be so mean to him he's only four and then I was like what the hell I'm like I told my dad to walk around the corner I didn't want to like lecture my dad for my son >> I like you used to beat the ████ out of me I'm like that's ████ nothing. >> What would he say to that? >> But he was just like look looking so mean and I was like you don't have any right to tell me. I was like, "One, you don't don't question my authority in my house. Number two, you beat the ████ out of me. That's ████ nothing. I'm just doing my job." He's like, and he gets all [snorts] mad. He like goes off to the side, ████ like opens a ████ Chinese newspaper. [laughter] >> He's trying to defend Taika and he goes,
21:58 "Stay away from him." >> Oh man. >> Yeah. Like I'm the ████ like I'm the virus. I'm like, "What the hell?" >> Meanwhile, he's freaking slamming you around at that age. I know. He forgets that he uppercuted you. [laughter] What is that, dude? like they ████ BEAT THE ████ OUT OF you and then they're like [snorts] at that exact age I my most one of the most serious ass beatings I got it I was at the desk trying to like draw or whatever or do homework and I remember I kept dropping all my crayons and pencils and I think my dad was trying to sleep >> but I didn't know how to like keep it on for some reason >> and my dad came put me on the ground pull my pants just go boom boom boom boom >> pull your pants down >> yeah and I remember my grandp >> bare ass >> yeah bare ass just on the floor like like belly down he's Boom. Like 20 times. And I remember my grandpa coming, "Hey, stop. He's just a kid." >> MOMENT. [laughter] SAME PUPPET. SAVE.
22:48 >> Your dad's like, "YOU USED TO ████ ME UP HARDER." [laughter] >> BUT HE TOLD MY grandpa to get out cuz I thought my life was going to get saved at that second. And I did it. He's like, "Get out, ma'am. Ma'am." >> Oh no. He [laughter] thought you were going to get saved. >> Do you know how old you were around? >> Like four or five? SAME AGE. >> WHAT? >> So I'm like, "What the like what you did to me at 40 or five is nothing." I had him stand in timeout. >> I can't wait till Taika have kids and Bart tells Ta, "Hey, I think you're going out of C." Goes, "You made me stand at [laughter] a ████ corner and grandma was trying to rescue me. [laughter] I had to look at a
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