0:00 I would empty all of the stuff in all of your houses and then tell Hannah not to talk to you for 3 days and make it seem like she left you. #en secretly hates Joe. Why? [Music] Welcome back to Careful Boys. Today we're talking about if only we could be Jojo Sakawa for 24 hours. Oo baby. Come on baby. Oo baby. Where to begin? Where would we wake up? At midnight. Starts at the beginning. I think starts at midnight. Ends at midnight. Starts at midnight. Wake up in 12:01 a.m. Put a boom. Wrap it up. But you kill yourself. Oh, I still live somewhere. No. I go back to
0:50 my body and then I call 911. Go. Going to the funeral. Oh. Hey, I think a guy just killed himself. He's in Hawaii. Go check on him. Go check him. If you die while you're in my body, you die, too. Yeah. Matrix rules. Severance rules. Severance rules. See, just fight. I'm doing it like Fight Club. I'm like aiming a little to the left. Blew your cheek out. Severance. He's going to live. It's a revenge video. Only cuz I proudly represented Taiwan and China. This is hard because it's like Yeah. What do you do? I spent 24 hours recruiting as many gay dudes for a gay orgy as possible at 11:59. 11:59. Everybody's closed off, ready to go. I'm tied up. Ball in my mouth. And then you tell him, "Hey, and I said this is for 48 hours straight. Doesn't matter
1:41 what I say or do, I'm going to act like I don't like it. Hold Anthony back. We don't have a safe word. Just that's really tough." Free use, Joe. No safe word. No safe word. Live stream. I wake up and I'll be like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, no." No. And then Joe comes to JK and he's like, "I'm just so relaxed. I'm just really tired. Hey, how was your day?" And he's like, "Ah, I got you." And I'm like, "Wow, you know what? I had a really good session. I always had a crack in my back and it's gone." I'd fire everybody from June B. Fire them. Make Bring them here. Switch all the employees. Oh, yeah. Change all the We're not doing matcha anymore. It'll just be making more work for Hannah. She's the one that has to interview and hire everybody. I would call the IRS and be like, "Yeah, all those guys are in police." Yeah, that part. You guys are just ████ yourselves.
2:32 Totally. I'm going to get so many calls. And by the way, I'm definitely their boss. I I'd love to be their boss. I love a rap. I love telling them what to do and when to be there. I'm calling Bart. I'm calling Bart. I'm like, "We are getting new cameras and new mics now." I hang up, pat myself on the back. The same arm, same leg, walked to June. Stupid. I called David. I'm like, I quit. I quit, ████ I quit. I ████ quit. You don't run me anymore. I quit. D's like, "What am I going to do? Oh no. What do I Oh no, I pushed him too hard." And then the next day, I'm just working like I don't even remember. You just come back to work. Yeah.
3:23 Damn. Still making drinks when it when it kind of hot. I'm just like trying to Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're trying to recollect like what could we do to get pick up the pieces. I'll probably get Joe a Cibian, dude. Just to have at the house. Yeah, dude. 11:58. He's You're climbing on the side of you. You're climbing on cranking that up to 10. Yeah, dude. This is it situation. And then, by the way, you spend your own minute on it guiltfree. It's on me. I got to do it for Joe. I can't do it for him. I'm just prepping it for Joe. Yeah. I got to get a warm and you're like, "Oh." And then you're like, "Wait." Then you buy one yourself on Joe's account. You send it to your own house. You're like, "I actually like this." Yeah. When I try to send one to my house from Joe's account, 12:00 a.m. And I was like, "Oh, I didn't hit send." $149 down
4:13 the drain. You got a whole day to prep. A whole day? I didn't think I was going to like it this much. I prep my ████ too long. I think I get you a Dark Knight, dude. Oh, yeah. I get you a Dark Knight. I get you 10 of them and then I make Hannah unbox them. What do you think, babe? You won't guess what the next one is. And she opens it up. Oh, it's a Dark Knight, too. She's like, "Whoa, you're just blown her money on this." I would put you on the karaoke game show where they have to jerk you off while you sing. Oh, no. Dude, making this guy do a Japanese game show would be ████ Yeah, I would sign him on a like a multi-game show deal for the year. There's just no humiliating this man, though. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard. We have to just Fine. I ████ He already did it like 10 years ago. I ████ sell the Land Cruiser. I buy a Tesla just to wake up and be like, "F███, what did I do?" Oh, not my Land Cruiser. I actually love
5:03 the Land. Oh, you you know how we get out of Joe though? How to make his life a little miserable? we just start uh buying a bunch of businesses and we have to run them within that day. And then so he wakes up and he won't and so the next day he's like he took out like 12 loans. Yeah. He has all these businesses. He's like ████ well I got to work this one too. So we do like a msubi shop in LA. Oh no. Keep you here with us and we keep JK in LA. Yeah, dude. So many businesses. I go through his contacts and his phone and I apologize to everybody who used to work at JK. Yo, man. That's a deep cut. And then when I wake up, I'll be like, "No, no, no. ████ you. ████ ████ you. I was on drugs. I was wrong. It was me." Say, "No, no, no. I was on No, no, no. They haven't even responded yet." All these people are like, "That's so Joe." Yeah. Did you Did you both That's Joe. Apologize and take it back the next day.
5:55 I would I would try to I would try to restart and reunite all your old gang members to all like make start a new gang. And then I wake up and then I'm I'm in a meeting with everyone and I'm like, "What the f███?" And they're all And they're all gathered around the table going, "So, what's what do we do first, boss? How do we kill the Batman?" More employees. More employees. More W2s. How do I keep getting employees and I'm still in California? IRS is like, "You got a bigger team now." That's what I would do. I would just change your address back to California. Oh. And then I'll change a year. I'll change your last name back to Mama, too. Oh, Joe. Mama. That's great. Yeah, that's an easy one. That's the That's the Joe I knew. You didn't even know when I was sitting right here. I wear a kimono. I start filming a bunch
6:46 of apology videos to a bunch of countries that Japan slandered. Oh, that'd be good. Apology tour. You'd have a horrible Japanese accent cuz you can't do it. I'll just be standing there going, "Oh, I'm so sorry." chat. No, just copy his thing where he's all I'm sorry, dude. You fly to China, right? And you have Joe wearing a necklace with a TV on it that just has him in videos being like, I don't mean I don't I'm not saying ████ China. I'm not saying ████ China. And then Joe's just in the middle of China. China. I fly to China, ask Joe. I'll wave a ████ Taiwanese flag around. Oh, that's how you get him, dude. That's how you get him back. Oh, no. Damn. It's really hard to embarrass Joe. Yeah. Well, what's is that's the goal to Oh, dude. I would sign or something or anything. Anything really. Make his life cooler. I'd make I'd make Joe a
7:37 prominent member of the BLM and I would just go to meetings. I'd be really active. He actually wouldn't mind. He wouldn't care. I would just show. Yeah, he would be. No, because then I would actually get to buy a mansion then in California. Yeah, you get to buy a manion. Yeah. Very lucrative. Well, that I would I would apply for a job in Shark. Oh, that's a good That's hilarious. Oh, going. No, Joe doing an apology video to Neck Shark. To all the neck shark nizens, that would be sick. Oh, yeah. That's what we do. We're cheering on certain next uh shark like like cheering them on like Yeah. Yeah. Like this is actually I would sign him up for one of those Jubilee videos where he has to sit in a a table and he's surrounded by neck shark commenters that he wronged. I would sign him up for every convention that has that rhymes with Asian. So, it's like Asian sensation, Asian, you know, persuasion. Asian persuasion, any of that. He has to
8:28 go he has to go on a speaking tour when he wakes up at 11 after 11:59. He's like midnight. Yeah, he's booked on he's booked on speaking tours like the next for the next year and a half for anything with Asian. Oh man. Yeah, he would hate that. At 11:59, I'd be I put myself in the middle of a rave. I'd be wearing nothing but like neon glow sticks everywhere. Stuff like I'd have pills in my hands. He would love that. Yeah, dude. I would reconstruct I would go I would go re-release the old JKU the big ass one reconstruct it exactly one to one you'd be standing you'd wake up in the middle of that same set with all the old cast and they're about to put spicy ████ in your mouth oh my god and you're going to relive every one of those games I would have been like what the what happened to the life I had like that would ████ me up dude I'll be like dude what happened for the did no co happened like damn
9:20 dude Dude, I was like, I would pay insurmountable amounts of money to like Josh and Tiff and everybody to come back. That's like 7 years ago. I would drive to Bart's house at like 6:00 a.m. And then I'd just start swimming in this pool. And then when Bart wakes up, he's like, "What? What's Joe doing swimming in my pool this?" You know, you know what's crazy? When he lived when he lived uh here in East Pasadena, I just went over to his house, hopped his fence, and then swam. ████ I know. It's already a thing you did. Damn. Wait, ████ I didn't know that. That's stupid. I would empty all of the stuff in all of your houses and then tell Hannah not to talk to you for 3 days and make it seem like she left you. # Colleen secretly hates Joe.
10:10 Why? Why? She comes back and she's like, "It's okay. I got like a bigger house and we're we're rich and everything's fine. It's cool. I just I feel bad cuz I was like I don't know what I'm going to tell her family. I'm so I feel like I lost her. Also, I would just be so confused. Like all of my houses are empty. I would sit Hannah down. I'd be like, listen, we're not doing anything to my ████ butt anymore, okay? Yeah. Ever again. I'm sick of it. I'm sick and tired of it. And also, Steve Green's a ████ Irish man and you better shut the your ████ mouth. Better shut your mouth. Address himself. I never want to hear it again. That's what it's called. and she'll look at me and go, "Is that you, Steve?" No. I would go, "I like to jack off." I would make you a pastor of the Japanese 7th Adventist Church. And then right when you wake up, you have to start the sermon, but you're with Johnny
11:01 Chang and you guys do a dual sermon. Oh ████ So, we're collaborating. Yeah. Oh, ████ You got to sound like you've been studying and he's looking at me like and he's waiting for you to go Joe. I'm all He's like, "Joe, you got those verses prepared, right?" And he's like, "Yeah." Yeah. But what you didn't know is the whole past 24 hours, I was texting Subin and and coming out to him like, "Yo, I'm kind of gay and I want you to be my boss." So then like while you're giving this sermon, Sub like what the hell's going on? Like like you like me like what's going on? You like So the whole time Sub is like Joe's trying to group me too. And he's a pastor. I looked up to you, man. ████ That'll be tough. What would you do if you woke up as pastor of the Japanese in this church. Dude, the first thing I do is I'll be like thinking like why am I here and I'll be like John
11:51 3:16. Go to your Bible and read it out loud cuz that's one of the only chapters I know. And then you just leave and I like I go up to John and be like, "Hey Johnny, what's that thing you said you were going to do?" And you could just do it first. Oh, he'll go up and I'll just stand there and I'll be like, "F███, what the f███?" But what are you doing while you're getting texts from Subin? I don't think I could look at my phone while I'm up there. Sub paragraphs. He's blowing your phone up. Yeah. He's like, "Pick up. Pick up. Pick up." You're like, "Listen, I have a kid. I can't really be doing all this ████ I need to talk to you, man." He shows up. His wife shows up with the baby, Joe. With many. And then you have to go on that same missionary trip again. That would have been cool. I like We went to Thailand. That was really fun. You got to go back. And those child soldiers want you to join them cuz they're adult soldiers now. Dude, that would be crazy. I think the craziest
12:41 thing that that would go on in my mind is like am I in an alternate universe? Like that would ████ with my head so much coming back and everything's all ████ up and I'm like everyone's the same people but like what the ████ happened? This tattoo girl says Jakawa, right? I'll tattoo Joe right here in just regular letters. It's like where the ████ did this come from just to be lame? I got a Joe tattoo to be dorky. Dude, I would tell Hannah. I'd be like, "Hey, because I'm Joe." I'd be like, "It's Steve Green. Tell tell Joe how good we f█████." Like, you're already telling? Yeah. Like, just tell Oh, I can tell you're Steve already. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Tell you for Joe's body to go, "Hey, it's Steve Green." Hey, real quick. Hey, babe. Hey, babe.
13:31 Ask me a question that only Steve Green would know, right? And then I'm like, "See, it's Steve Green." And I'm like, "All right, tell tell Joe how good we ████ and how it was ████ unbelievable and s███." You be like, "Do the thing I like to my butt." Yeah. Hey, by the way, I'm Steve Green. It's Steve Green. But I wouldn't do that. So, you got to say the full name. You can't just say Steve. It's Steve P. But I'd be like, "Hey, this between you and me forever. Tell them how good we ████ We ████ so good." Well, I was Joe, right? Oh, you know what I would do as Joe? This This is what I would do as Joe. And she's like, "Oh, yeah. I believe you. Yeah. I would Amazon I would Amazon ship the one of those uh those tails with a butt plug on it. Uhhuh. Yeah. Yeah. And I and I order myself a nice little G-string and I I'll get some like uh really lowrise jeans. Hold on. And flip-flops cuz it's Hawaiian, you know. And then I'll I'll
14:22 plug it in. I'll wear the little the whale tail, but I'll make sure the whale tail is coming out of my jeans. And then I go into work that day. And then I'm helping all the everyone out. Every time I bend over, you just see a little whale tail and then a little tail come out, right? And everyone's just like, "Yo, what the ████ is up with Joe?" Like, "What's this little deal?" I think they'd all just be like, "Yeah, Joe's here." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then and then I would I would tell Hannah like, you know, "Sweetheart, tonight's the night. You finally get to fully enter." And then that's when I prep you for I prep Hannah. You prep. Yeah, my bad. Just tell me. You tell me we and Steve agreed. I would just shave your eyebrows. That's it. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's so mean. She's so mean to the guy. Colleen hates. She's so mean. Colleen's like I would eat like I'll go to 7-Eleven and buy all the sunflowers
15:12 and eat them all. I give you all the ulcers. You know what you should do for Joe? You dye his hair blue. No, I think you dye his hair blue. Shave his eyebrows off. He had a bunch of piercings. And then Joe's like, "Yo, like at a militant ████ LGBTQ meeting." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get a you get a bunch of stickers on your on your store says, "F███ capitalism." That's Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to make the image the 90 I would go in the 91 East. So funny. 91 East and just go on the easy pass lane the whole way without a permit. And then when when you're back to being you, we're hanging out. You're like, "Oh, I'm getting that scam again." The fast pass scam. And I'm going to go, "Yeah, it's a scam. Who cares? That's a deep cut." and it just keeps racking up and I'll just be like, "There's that scam again." Dude, I'm just I'm just setting up your phone and I'm ████ filming a video of
16:02 myself after I took the Jimmy credit card. I bought like ████ tons of $12 gallons of ████ milk and then I stand there in front of the Jimmy and I'm just dumping all myself. You're wasting milk. Wasting milk everywhere. And I'm like, I'm Steve Green. And then do it on the stage where they can only have cultural shows. Steve Green. He's great. Yo, just having Joe say I'm Steve Green is hilarious. And then while I'm covered in milk, like as if people were like, "Oh, okay." Yeah. Like they would understand. Then while I'm covered in milk, I'm texting my ex-girlfriend. I'm going, "Can I come to the wedding?" Or or or you're just ask Joe. She probably be like, "Okay." Hey, that's good. I like that one. That was good. She wouldn't give a ████ either. She likes Joe. I'll be like, "Sure." Come to the wedding. It' be kind of sick cuz then I could hang out with Joe at the wedding. That would be kind of sick.
16:53 That' be kind of sad. I would just change my name to Bart Quan and all your Bart Kan. It is funny though cuz all of my worst nightmare stuff is just tedious work. Like when I lose my wallet, all I think about is I got to get a new ID. Like I don't care about money or fraud or like all the documents. So you you look at like JK Films is now owned by Baron and Baron So, I'm like, "What the ████ dude?" That's funny, dude. Yeah. If that's what you hate, then I would just go through your filing cabinet and just burn every document. All your important documents. I would make I'd make a video be like, "The whackest gym I ever went to is called Barbell Brigade. The weights are too heavy. It It's very hot in there. They play whack music. I'm Saka and I'm not Steve Green." the fact that he's reviewing Barbell Brigade now and then
17:44 Bart's feelings get hurt and then the next morning I wake up and Bart's like, "Man, that was mean." Why'd you post that? Why' you say you're not Steve? I didn't know you didn't like it. That's the only take away. Why'd you keep saying you're not Steve like 30 times? Damn, that's weird. It's barbell cake. I'm not Steve Green. I'm definitely not Steve Green. I'm taking Ker bag noodles. I mean, Ooh, it's my favorite. [Music] I love Kas. I took the Kinja Bang. What's my favorite? You're Steve Green. I'm Steve. I'm not Steve Green. I'm not Steve Green. So, which one's your favorite one, man? The one that I hate the most is whatever whatever I got to do to like more paperwork. Yeah. Burning your social security card. Oh my god. You know, like the gun in your ████ mouth at 12:01 and you die. You want the video? No. No.
18:34 I turn this way. I want the video. You want the video? You want the video? I think Anthony won that video. He won the video. No question about it. No. The best one is Hey, it's Come here, Steve Green.
// end of tape