0:00 [Music] Welcome to another episode of Careful Boys, where today since we have star actor and great kisser Lauren Cow in the room does, we're going to figure out um if each of us had to star in a movie, what would the plot of that movie be? Let's start with Nick. H what do you see for this guy? I don't know. Who do you put me in? Um, a special needs kid that story is like like Dumbo like Dumbo's good with the ears. Operation Dumbo drop like that. No, live action Dumbo. Action Dumbo. Dumbo jitsu fighter. Dumbo, but like just like just like this crazy. I work at a carnival. No, Operation Dumbo drop too. Yeah,
0:50 that's electricaloo. That's what I want to do. I never seen a elephant fly. That's in the movie. So like my powers I can fly with my ears. I work something like that. Something like that. But you're like just show like where people pay and then they want to see those ears. Like you want to see this disgusting man fly in the air trolls reboot. But you're all four of them. Like nutty professor act acting as Nick is Nick is reluctantly all four of them. Yeah. Cowabanga dude kowabanga shredder. He's not happy about it. As a serious answer, I think you would be really good in like a movie similar to I Love You, Man. Which which which one am I? Which character? Uh or 40-year-old Virgin. Like you could be a guy that's like, you know what I mean? Like cuz you have such a good delivery of like self-deprecation.
1:40 What about Forest Gump? 40-y old Virgin would be sick. I think do a remake. Would you want to do Would you want to do Forest Gump? Yeah. Yeah. I could do Gilbert. There's really been through line with all these movies. I could be Zack Galan X in The Hangover. I could probably do that. You're a good uh foil. Like if when your stuff gets foiled, you'd be really Yeah, exactly that. Yeah. Um yeah, it's pretty flattering. I think uh I think I could pull all those movies off. So some people say I look like the guy from the Goonies. Oh yeah, the bad guy. The little Asian kid with No, the ████ deform man. I wish it was him. He's talking about sloth loves Chunk. Yeah. Yeah. Sloth loves Chunk, dude. That's me. Yeah, that's your Who said that to you? Huh? He had the same shave head. My mom. My mom every day for a while. At the weighin said that. I was like, I don't think I could fight. I'm feeling ill. Would you Would you have
2:31 any interest at all if some producer saw you from like the casuals or something and was like, I want to put you in a fight movie. Never back down. I'd be like, I don't have faith in this project already. But would you have any like interest? Would you want to entertain? Or would you just be like, dude, that's not for me. I' I'd link up with with Lawrence and he'd be my acting coach and he'd have to teach me the ways. I think pretty cool. Get beat up like cool wrestling movie. Yeah. Hey, the new Karate Kid. Okay. What if it's like a remake of Enough, but you're the abuser. Oh, dude, I could do that. I think I could be a really tox I think I could be really over the top and be a really toxic uh toxic husband. Husband. I could I think I could like a lifetime You could be like a Lifetime movie where you're the abusive husband. You could do that, honestly. Anything like over the top like that, I think I could pull off. dream roll. I think you would be really funny as a guy. Yeah. Yeah. Just like real angry all the time. Like just abusive wife. Yeah. I think I could do
3:23 that really well. Almost probably scary. Well, I think that's Is it cuz you dream about doing that in real life, but you can't do it cuz you're too ████ I just feel like I know the tactics, you know? I just know the tactics. I just feel like he practices that every day. I know the game. I know. If I wasn't such a ████ I'd ████ do this. I know the ins and outs, you know? I know how to I think I I I would be able to manipulate. Like I said, my dream project if somebody handed me like a s███████ of money would be to hire a bunch of goddamn gorgeous women and just have them try to ████ Nick all day every day of the week. Just sending ████ in his direction and seeing how he responds. How do you think I would do? What do you think? Seeing ladies know I have to finish my math homework first. That's Nick. What? Keep talking. I think it would be basically um a show about where the internet hates you because you won't
4:13 ████ these beautiful women. But what is it that makes him not do it? He's guilty. He's a very guilty boy to his wife and but but I want the internet to see the depths that this man will go to avoid. They want to see me break, dude. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Would it be it would suck if like on the first episode I just broke and after Please don't tell anybody. Please don't tell anybody. I'm so sorry. I feel so bad. I just felt like I should have in the moment and then now I feel terrible. It should be just like a reality show. That's what I'm thinking. Hammer show. Honestly, I think I'd be if if a bunch of hot ladies kept coming up to me and were like throwing sexual advances, I'd be like, "You're not going to get me, dude. This is a honeypot. I don't get you." Oh, you would just be that skeptical. Is your boyfriend around the corner to rob me? That's what I would say. Oh, so the Steve Reese show
5:03 got green lit, huh? You would feel like my wife sent you, huh? I'm not falling for it. You would feel like it's Rio di Janeiro or something where they just like, dude, honeypot dudes over like dating apps. Absolutely. Cuz it's something that's so foreign to me that if it were to happen to me, I'd be like, "Come on, dude." Even if it's like even if it's somebody that like books you for jiu-jitsu privates and they it's a long game over like 3 months, they just get honestly if they book me for jiu-jitsu private, I'm like, "No, we're only doing jiu-jitsu. We can't blur the line. We can't blur. This is the purity of the sport. But isn't jiu-jitsu already a blurred line in a way? Not not to me. It's very technical to me. I'm very tech I'm a technical guy. Gay straight man. I know. You know what I mean? Like No, but you know what I mean? If I did that show with like Joe, it's pretty funny, but not not the same kind of laugh. No, it's
5:54 torture for him. If I did it with Yeah. with Lawrence, that's not I'll be like, "Okay, you keep trying to kiss us. You keep trying to kiss me, but we're trying to do kimoras right now. That's not the move. Grab the left hand, please. Like, bend your elbow. You keep getting this close. Please stop. Yeah, you probably yell at her. The manosphere would get unless you get his wife in on it, too. And then like she creates like turmoil within the relationship. Oh, she'd be in on it. She'd be in the van with me giving feeding lines. Stand. So, you would never even believe it if if your wife was like feeding you a line of like, "It's cool. You can totally like No. No planet would she be believing that?" Never, dude. And I'll be like, "What the ████ is wrong with you, bro?" What if it's your hall pass? What if it's your hall? Who's your hall pass? I don't believe in hall passes. Who's your hall passed up? Are you miked up? You want to see reach? Sandra Bulock or something. Or no, was it like Ali? Oh, Sabrina Carpenter or something. The
6:46 makeover. No, you just said this the other day. Who's your hall pass again? That No, we Oh, I've never said that. Shen O' Conor. It's I think it's a girl plays Madam Web. Oh, that broad. What's her name? I don't know. Who's that, dude? She's the one. made a movie with Madame Actress's kid. No way. They made a movie with Madame. What do you mean? They did. It's like known as like one of the worst. Like she was also in one of the other bad movies, the Fifty Shades of Gray. She's in that. Yeah, you Oh, I saw the trailer for that. I remember thinking, who the ████ saw this movie like what? What's He's in it, fool. Shut up. No way. He's a starfish. Oh, I felt so bad right now. I'm so sorry, dude. I felt so bad for a second, bro. That's how the TV show would work. Look, that's exactly This is the show. I
7:37 didn't like that. I literally touched my dick for Yeah, bro. That would I'm sweating a little bit. Where's our super rich JK fans that are like, I'm down to see this movie. I'm satisfied. I just need one Saudi guy to just drip some way and we're good, dude. And a couple rain coats. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What kind of movie would would Joe be in? Like, you had to make a movie around him. Dude, you do a Hunter S. Thompson reboot type of thing with him. Fear and Loathing. Yeah, you have Fear and Loathing. Thank you, dude. I would do like Michael Douglas's The Game. Oh. Where I hire everybody around him to convince him that June B is going under and it's all completely ████ And we just would have a hidden camera show following like the complete destruction of everything that he's built. Shows are definitely way easier to think of for for us. Yeah, let's switch it to that. That and we would just follow him like in the self-loathing destruction of but it's all fake. But like he wouldn't know that
8:28 you manufacture like the machines breaking him through through permit purgatory again. Oh dude, exactly. Just throw the whole city at him, dude. And then we do we do things where like the ice machine breaks and then we just send like 50 more people in the line to Ji. You let a bust of tourists off like send a dozen more. Like Joe comes in at work and all the milk jugs we just poke little small holes in the bottom so they're slowly pouring out. change the expiration dates as soon as he buys afterwards. Cost us out of milk. We just buy all the milk beforehand so you can't get it close to Costco. He's like, "Oh yeah, we're closed today. Sorry, bud. We can't get this thing." He puts all those like freaking 50 jugs of milk and we go through and make the date like like they expired last week. And he goes, "I thought I checked it." And he's stressed to his ████ neck and all this stuff. And then we send David out there to like be impressed by
9:18 everything that Joe's been doing. Yeah, that's that's the ████ Yeah, dude. That's the finale. Or we do things like rude is like we do like secret boss or secret shopper and we make Steve dress up and like we we put the whole secret shopper and we make Steve just do bits as a secret shopper. He's like crazy cuz you can't tell it's Steve. Steve he's got the I got the nose I got the nose glasses on. This is not far from reality, guys. You can play like a trans man. Yeah, I can do that. Throw right on your shoulders tattoo. This fool's like in disguise and I'm like I still know it's you, Steve. I could tell it's you, man. Totally secret. Those glasses on. He's wearing a wig. I know. I'm wearing nose glasses. He totally fools me. The ████ glasses in the none of the stress to think about it. Like, what the ████ do you want? You're thinking about
10:08 the milk. We don't have milk today, dude. And the landlord just raising the rent over and over. Send the whole city at him, dude. So many regulations and rent. Oh my god. Bobbit time opens right next to you. No, two boba times surrounding you. You know what's crazy is all these things is like it's not far from reality and like Steve Green nose glasses, dude. There's a ████ boba shop that opened up right next to us. Wait, no way. Wait, this is new? Yeah. No, like our all of our friends were like, "Dude, how can your landlord allow this? This is ████ up." Yeah. What happened? What the hell? They like money at which June in Hawaii. boba shop opened next food court next to us and then the landlord was saying like you know what it's like we're not going to let uh other boba shops in here and then they ████ did. Oh damn. And there's nothing that you can do. Well,
10:58 no I didn't get an exclusive cuz then at they they first were like oh I don't I don't know like we don't want a boba shop in the in this plaza. Oh my god. Cuz they're like you know boba shops seem kind of cheap but you guys are are different. So then they let us in and then like um later all of our friends were like, "Dude, did you see this?" And then they they debuted like a boba shop coming in and I was like, "Oh, you ████ You guys were probably the model. You guys made so much money." They're like, "We would know. Is it like quickly?" Yeah. But I think they're fans and stuff, so I don't want to I don't want fans. Yeah, but I mean it's not it's not their fault. They got invited or whatever, you know? It's Wait, the fans are opening up. No, no. Like the company, they're fans. They're cool. Have you noticed a hit on at your business at all? That's what I was afraid of. But then, dude, so so a piece of me is like very compet I'm very competitive. I'm very nice, but I'm very competitive. I'll smash the ████ out of people. Um JK News needs a competitor.
11:49 Oh, dude. But you know what? What ended up happening is I raised my price. They they lowered theirs. And I said, "F███ that. That's not going to change nothing. We're still crushing it. And we're still growing. And I don't see any lines in front of their store. Just just like go and intimidate them. Like bring like baseball bats. Don't need it. Don't need it, bro. ████ like smash their Don't need it. I could go toe to toe and still win. Wow. Love that. Love the conference. Interesting. But at first though, I did feel like, what the ████ is happening? But now you're cool about it. It's like, this is fun. This is chill, dude. The show would open with four boba shops surrounding food truck wars, dude. It's like Good Burger. John Good Boba. Joan B. John B. That's my RB.
12:41 I love John B, dude. Everybody that works there has a fade and a nice little chin strap. I'm more entertaining when the camera when I know the camera's on the sofa. That's why I would do a hidden camera show with you. The hidden camera. I'm more boring. You're more boring. You would You just wouldn't You wouldn't know with the camera. Like I want Hannah, you know, episode one, four boba shops open around you and then you come home and Hannah's like, I'm not happy. I want a Birkin bag. The only thing that will make me happy is a Birkin out of nowhere. The only thing that It's not even Hannah. No, exactly. But that's why it's so funny. I decided that I want a Birkin. It's the only thing that will make me happy. Or like it's like Truman's show where everyone's in on it. It must be Birkin and I'm the only one like what the ████ Like episode three, it's like you're really stressed out, but you're handling things well. So she goes to she's super turned on. She's
13:31 like, "I want to eat your ass right now. Let's go to the back. Let's go to the back right now." And I'm like, "All right. All right. You're stressed. The line's hella long. That might help my stress." But then like every time the day starts, she's like, "I don't want to work today. I want to stay in bed." And you're like, "Why?" And she's like, "I simply won't. I simply I just simply won't." Infuriating that is. I just want to eat your ass. I want to take my burger to the beach. Well, if we're not eating ass, if we're not eating ass, if there's no assing involved, we'll have none of it. The challenges will be so left field that I'll be like, "What the ████ is happening?" I guess I guess I got to fix it. Psyche would just be so screwed. You know, there's a men's store right next to us, right? So, if I was a B, it was
14:21 like a Birkin challenge and it's like, you got to figure out how to do this. It's like, well, their store employees do come to the shop. And then I'm like, I gotta make friends with them. So, like, the new mission is like, get her a bag. That's hilarious. Dude, the show would probably help Joe. Like, you would just be motivated to get like, okay, how about this? Okay, new show. New show. Birkin is at the end of Okay, new show. Joe has to get a Birkin, but he can't use money. So, I just got to make friends. He's got to trade his way up to get a Birkin. He's got to work whatever angle he has. starts with gift cards. It starts with hand jobs first. Then at the end I'm like committing crimes. That's your bargaining chip. You you resulted to like doing illegal ████ I convinced one of the employees there to steal one so I could get it. What are they like 40 grand right or 60? I don't know. But I'm just glad I don't
15:12 have a grand dude in I don't know if you can actually buy one. You have to be invited to buy one. So it's like bargain. Aren't Rolexes like that now? No. Like I think uh the stages are like you just have to buy. It ranges from 145 to 165,000 for a bag. They even look like that. Or maybe it's the special edition stuff. But those stores you have to buy regular things and become a regular and then they're like you get invited to buy the top ████ Man, I'm so glad I'm not within the sphere of people that needs this. You know what's funny? $200,000. 220,000. 220,000. Yeah. These people aren't the number one consumers of this. I know. It's upper middle class. It's like posers. Yeah, for sure. Or like Chinese people. Chinese people. But but Asians are
16:04 actually smart about it cuz they're just reselling. So a lot of them that buy like uh all I respect that. I respect that. They just or they're laundering money. Oh, that's so that's really smart. Or they have a really good fake too. Can I tell you guys my show that I would do over Steve Green? It'd be called It'd be called Steve Green's birthday month. Oh ████ And every day that month, he would be sprung with a surprise birthday party every single day. You're good, man. Yeah, but he's going to secretly love He knows how to ████ with me. He's going to secretly The best part The best part is that people will accuse you of secretly loving. Steve, why do you keep throwing these secret birthday parties? He's going to go home at night and go to sleep and just smile. The most I can't wait for what they got in store tomorrow for me. Petting zoo tomorrow. The hidden camera. Yeah. So,
16:54 everywhere he goes, like my birthday tomorrow. He goes to the bathroom and he's like, "Yes." Yeah. It's always these elaborate setups. Anywhere he goes, it's like, "Okay, you guys ready?" Like every time he walks in, surprise every single day. And he's all like, "Oh, guys, not again." Yeah. And then no matter how he reacts, people will accuse him of secretly loving. That's really good. One of one of the Shut up. One of the episodes, one of the episodes is all of his friends that have daughters and then it's a daddy daughter daddy daughter date for Steve's birthday. Yeah. So everybody shows up. They're all matching. Oh my god. Daddy daughter date to go celebrate Steve Green's birthday like this. Oh no. Oh. All the daughters getting punched in the face. Yeah, everybody everybody's
17:46 birthday month. Yeah, that's that's brutal. 30 episode uh run. Yeah. 30 days. Surprise Kinja's performance for one of his birthdays. That's the finale. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We would go all out with stuff like that. The finale is you make him a Ka, dude. We would have like we would have a surprise uh Second City LA improv show. Yeah. Steve, you're gonna perform tonight. Award, Steve. Second City LA. Second City LA. Yeah, Second City LA. UCB, dude. What? No. Even worse traumatized with UCB. No, even worse. Second City. Yeah, Second City. Second City LA is a trauma that he hasn't lived yet, which is way worse. I've only heard so much about it. So, we're going to get some suggestions. Um, you're playing a theater. You're playing an arena. Improvident arena. Has to sit there. Not bad, dude. It's like going back to N.
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