0:00 Taiker asked me, he goes, "Um, is there anything I could ever do to make me love you uh make you love me less?" Ever asked you? >> And I was like, "No, I don't think there's anything you could >> until this moment." >> Yeah. >> Until five. >> I think there's nothing that you can do to make to make me love you less. And he goes, "What if I killed mama?" And I was like, "What the f███?" Welcome to a gay episode of Careful Boys. They're all all of them are a little gay. No. >> Who? All of who? >> All of our episodes a little bit. >> What are you gay, Nick? >> Not this one. This one's not. Okay. You guys kind of sound like Is it uh who was the baboon and Lion King? >> Rafiki. >> Rafiki. [laughter] >> All right. We're going to do the speed round. I'm just going to ask you this question and uh just tell me yes or no. Okay. The um obviously we would all if
0:52 if we had sons, we would feel very partial to them. Uh let's say if they committed a crime, you wouldn't want to turn your son into the authorities, right? You'd want to like try to solve the problem in some way first. >> Thousand%. >> Really? There's no crime he could commit where you'd be like, "He needs to go to >> That's what we're going to find out. I'm going to list I'm going to list a bunch of crimes and you tell me if you would turn your son in or you would." >> And I'm thinking this ████ is like what, 21 already? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> That makes a difference. >> And he's got his whole life ahead of him. Cuz if he's 21, I think I'm throwing him in jail. So, if he's eight, I'll be like, "Yeah, I'll teach him a lesson." >> All right. Let's say, let's say he's 18. Let's make it right on the line. Right on the line. He's 18. All right. Uh, for hacking, let's say he he hacked MGM, caused a a whole ████ >> Nope. No one's going to find out I'm covering for him. >> Wow. >> What about you? Are we going around the room? >> No, we don't have to go around. Just real quick, Grand Theft Auto. If your
1:43 son stole a car? >> Yes, I'm going to tell on him. [laughter] >> You would actually do that? >> Yes, I'll tell on him. What if what if your son >> because everyone's watching this video. [laughter] >> What if uh Silent Mike, what if your son uh caused uh upwards of 3 million in property damage? >> Mikey Jr., can I fix it or help at all? >> It's property damage of like a government building. >> So, I can't help it. Am I rich? Could I pay it back or something? >> They just don't know who did it. But that's all you're at now is whether you >> I'm going to convince him to turn himself in. >> Wow. [laughter] >> I'm not going to turn him in. I'm not going to snitch. I'm not going to snitch. >> 3 million in property damage. >> I'm not going to snitch, but he he's going to make it right. >> Okay. >> He's going to make it right. He can go put it together or something, you know. >> Okay. Nick jewelry store smash and grab. >> I'd be horrified of myself.
2:33 >> You saw him on video and then you know it's him. >> And no one else knows. >> No one else knows. No one will ever know. You're the only person that could. >> So if we save him, he's saved. No one will ever know. Part of me feels like for certain behaviors, you have to be punished. Like there's things you go smashing and you're young. I don't know, dude. That's hard because I don't have a kid. I don't have a son. >> So when I turn my dog in, no, I wouldn't >> with ████ like that. [laughter] ████ like that. >> My son did at 18. I will never turn him in. I'm tying his ass to a chair. I'm spaking the ████ up. >> So you're gonna discipline. Okay. >> I'm gonna take care of >> I'm gonna whip him with a diamond chain. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> And I'm gonna have a new watch, baby. >> He's not gonna go in the system. >> How about this? Uh, if if Ta jump kicked an old lady. >> Jump kicked the old lady. >> That's ████ up. >> See, >> dude. >> Okay, I'll take care of the old lady and
3:23 I'll beat the ████ I'll jump kick him like 100 times. >> You'll leave You'll leave the law out of it. >> Leave the law out of it. >> Oh, just try to avoid prosecution. >> I'll have Ta tied to a tree and then I'll have the old lady on a wooden swing and she could just ████ keep jump kicking him like 20 times. >> It's like the seven layers of hell. Like you always get punished for what you do. Aside from the old lady crime, all of these are cool crimes. >> No, they're not going to get cooler. >> Oh, okay. >> So, uh, up if your son uppercuted a a Catholic priest, [laughter] >> this is a cool crime, too. >> The priest will handle it. >> Yeah, that's between the the priest, God, and my son. [laughter] >> That's within the church. >> Yeah, he'll get it. He'll get it. He'll get it. >> What if the priest was a toucher? >> That's why he he was >> context. Context. All right. If your son Roundhouse kicked a disabled child soldier veteran. [laughter] Child soldier. Child, thank you for your
4:13 service. >> Soldier with a purple heart. [laughter] >> What the heck? >> He was lucky that he didn't get killed cuz that disabled veteran probably can do some damage. >> So you you would keep it a secret. [snorts] >> The world doesn't have to know. >> All right. All right. If your kid headbutted a Mexican lady selling flowers, >> I'mma turn him in for that. >> You would turn him in. a tournament cuz you know cuz out of all the out of all the crimes headbutting it's like all right you what are you going to get how many you get >> but you know I feel like you could punish him harder than the law for that specific crime what are they going to do >> if my kid beat up a random person especially a woman or a child I'm going to beat the ████ out of my kid I think >> okay what about what if a ta sent bomb threats to every smart and final [laughter] >> to every smart and final >> all of them yeah >> good for him what would I
5:05 I would uh strap them to I like strapping. I'mma strap them to the passenger seat of my car, make sure my windows are fully tinted and I'll drive up to the smart and final when they see the cop, the bomb squad, and the fire trucks come. Like, you see what you ████ did? You caused all this ████ nonsense and now the whole thing has to shut down. Whatever that fiasco is, I'm going to ground him for as long as that is and I'm going to make him listen to police sirens for ████ 30 days straight. [laughter] >> All right. Well, then would you turn him in if he had embezzled $100,000 from a charity that helps homeless Koreans? >> Homeless Koreans? >> No, they probably dead to each other. [laughter] >> Okay. What if your son What if your son got caught ████ or not? Not not caught. They don't know he did it. He ████ in the Jollibee pineapple
5:56 quencher machine. >> Wow. I'd make him eat dog ████ But you wouldn't turn him in. >> No. Oh my god. Because >> what's the lesson? [laughter] >> He goes, "It was scum. It's edible. [laughter] This is not edible, Dad. It It's cruel and unusual." >> How about Nick? If your son broke every single window of every car parked in the Downtown Disney Simba lot. >> The Simba Lot. >> Cuz it's pretty long. [laughter] >> And you know he did it. >> Yeah. and they're just trying to figure out who made all this damage. >> Uh, I'd make sure that he works at a at a at a window glass shop pro bono [laughter] for a whole year. Free labor. >> I rather I rather be in charge of my kid's punishment than the law being >> But then don't you want to teach him
6:46 like like accountability for like >> Yeah, I'mma make him accountable. You know what I mean? Like >> I do think some of these aren't bad enough that the go into the system would just be scared straight like the glass one. Like they're not going to throw him in there for 10 years, you know? He's not going to really be in the system. He'll just be scared enough at 18 to go through the court thing, see some thugs or >> cuz that's scary enough. >> That's scary enough. >> I got >> If it was real bad, it I actually might cover the worse it gets. Okay, this one's for This one's for uh for Silent Mike. If your son publicly leaked private data containing nudes of all the newly graduated nuns. What a freak. [laughter] >> How do you get those pictures? >> He's horny. >> Yeah. How did How did nuns take all these nudes? >> Yeah. Why did they take all these nudes? [laughter] >> I I got one. >> It's It's actually their fault. >> This episode is brought to you by Lucy, the super bomb nicotine pouches. Hey,
7:38 just letting you guys know, I drive back and forth from LA to Vegas all the time. So, because I'm in this long road trip status all all the time. Nicotine pouches are kind of my go-to. They keep me focused. They keep me awake. But Lucy Breakers are the one to go with, y'all. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to lucy.co/off co/off thererecord and use promo code off therecord to get 20% off your first order. Lucy has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind. Again, that's lucy.co and use code off thereord to get 20% off. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is ageverified. Warning, this product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical. Um, >> all right. I got one for you. I got one for you guys. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] This will really question your morals, right? So,
8:28 a serial killer's been on the loose and they've been telling clues over the news. You didn't know it was your son, but then as the clues get leaked out, the more and more you go, "Oh ████ that might be my ████ son." Right? And then you you open up his room one day and he has the clothes of the people that were murdered. What do you do? >> You turn him in. Dude, >> I would turn him in. >> If he's a serial killer, >> he's out. >> I'm not safe around him. Yeah, I think he's got to go. >> He's got to for sure go. >> How many people? [laughter] >> This is valid cuz he's the only one with a kid. >> Let's say five, right? And then like >> I don't think these girls were getting were like like going like missing and then you're just like but you don't know a thousand%. But like there's so many clues you just can't deny it anymore.
9:19 >> I think five. I have to turn it. >> Five. That's the line. threshold too >> cuz I think like maybe like >> two is a mistake >> I would say like so three is pretty confirmed but sometimes you need a grace period so four but then five you're like >> beyond reasonable doubt okay >> do you like killing ████ [laughter] >> and he's like yeah I do >> five that's great I would turn him in >> would you would you actually want to know like would you sit down and be like is that you like would you talk to him >> I would I would have that conversation between glass [laughter] >> before he kills you with a gun under the Did you do all this? >> Bro, you really did all this ████ >> You know that >> was it Jeffrey D or it was one of the guys where his wife had no ████ idea. >> Bundy. >> Ted Bundy. She had no idea. And then the the weird thing was every time they got into a fight, he would go out and take
10:09 out his rage on other women. But he will never ever hurt his wife, >> right? So like what if it's one of those situations? He's been the greatest son. You you guys have this bond. You would have It just surprises you. >> No, I'm not taking that chance. If I If I know If I know I made a bad seed like that, I got to take him out. >> Yeah. It's not even for my safety. If he killed five, he ain't going to stop. >> Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. >> It's too much. >> You guys You guys don't love your family as far as >> Have I ever told you guys what uh Ta me? He goes, "Um, is there anything I could ever do to make me love you uh make you love me less?" Never ask you. >> And I was like, "No, I don't think there's anything you could until this moment." >> Yeah. >> Until five. I was like, "There's nothing that you can do to make to make me love you less." And he goes, "What if I killed mama?" And I was like, >> "What the ████ [laughter] I never thought you would say something like
10:59 that." >> Crazy followup. >> You're like, "I think you found it." >> And you say [laughter] that. You say that like while holding his blanket. What if I killed mama? >> Like Like you guys are you're tucking him in >> like what the ████ >> I Is that a conversation that like sons have with their dads all the time? I wonder. >> That's like uh what's his name right? Uh Stewie Griffin. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or they have just curious and random. >> I guess when dads listen, the possibilities are endless. >> Yeah. The dad most dads aren't open to the ████ up. [laughter] >> YEAH. THE NERS ARE ON. >> YEAH. YEAH. >> When the dad actually talks to his son. [laughter] Okay. >> When the Dodger game's over. >> That's like 20%. >> You can talk about whatever you like. >> All right. What about for for you, Bart? If let's say Taika lied under oath and he caused another family to lose custody of their children. Oh ████ [laughter] >> Who's
11:49 >> Look at Mike's face, dude. >> Yeah, that's ████ Would you like fess up and be like, "Hey, this this kid doesn't know what he's talking about. He actually like was lying." But then he would get in trouble for the lie cuz you know it's like >> perjury is what couple months? >> Yeah. Would you turn him in in that way? >> I think for that one I PROBABLY WOULD TOO. >> CUZ I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? You're an adult. You're 18 and then so I had my chance to raise you." >> Oh, damn. And then these guys are these are children >> and you just forced these parents cuz I can only imagine what would happen if I had to lose Taikai, right? So I put myself in their shoes. I'm like that's ████ up. You better go ████ fix that. Wow. >> Found it. Going to prison for perjury. >> But three people is chill though. >> Yeah. But he can either kill four people or lie under oath [laughter] >> cuz killing is different. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. You could you could die like riding a bike, you know. >> Okay. What if your son What if your son
12:40 sabotaged all the standardized testing and made every single mother fail the bar exam? >> Every single mom only Only [laughter] the females. >> I I don't know there was that many moms in law school. >> I I would have to do my own punishment there. I I probably wouldn't. >> You would have turned them in for that. Oh my god. You know, you realize what that means that all there's they're going to think they failed. You won't fix the >> Look, most people fail the first time anyway. [laughter] It's a hard test. How do we know they would have passed? Kim Kay failed. >> Yeah. Yeah, dude. She has all the resources in the world. [laughter] >> All right. What if your son was uh responsible for forging the documentation that allowed third world immigrants to commit crimes and not be deported? [laughter] I think all these are just bad enough I got to turn them in. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
13:31 >> All of them. >> Right. Like because like he's not his life won't be ruined. He's not going to be in there 20 years. >> I do go back to the thing he's 18. >> Like, you're 18, you little ████ >> Homie got 72 charges and he's out in the streets. >> Yeah. >> I don't know if I should have kids, guys. Cuz in all of these scenarios, I'm like, >> I'm not turning him in. >> I'm sure I'm sure once like if you had a kid like >> What if you had the serial killer one? What if that was your kid? Did he kill? >> I'm never turning him in. >> What? >> I think family is above law. Holy moly. >> I couldn't agree with that. >> I don't ████ care. Like cuz a serial killer kid though. >> Yeah, that's it. You want to have that guy? >> Number five, you confirmed, right? Number five, you confirmed. We see all the close and you're like, I'm not turning you in. Next week, it's six now. >> Well, I'm going to do something about it. It's not I'm not going to be hands off. I'll be disappointed, but like I'm
14:21 >> I'm a little disappointed you killed that fifth ████ >> I rather have a Dexter situation in a relationship with my kid and guide them through the right way. >> What if the kid's scary too, though? If you put him to bed and he's like, >> "Someday I'll get you, too." [laughter] >> I agree with the dexter. >> I might have to kill him then. [laughter] >> Take him out yourself. >> I probably kill him before I I snitch on him. Like seriously, >> kill him yourself. >> You hit him with a Lenny from a vice. >> I don't know if I could actually do it. I don't think I could do it. Have a chainsaw for Christmas. [laughter] >> And a bone saw. ████ >> Only because I don't know what the the state's going to do. >> Oh, they'll put them away. Yeah. >> Yeah. Forever, right, bro? Being solitary. >> Yeah. But >> I didn't want to do the one that killed them. That's why I was like, you the state put them in the electric chair. >> Yeah. I can't do it. >> That's too hard. Oh,
15:12 >> I don't know. >> They make you hit the switch. >> Oh my god. No, dude. >> Yeah, it's rough. >> Don't commit crimes, kids. >> Yeah, just don't do it. [laughter] >> I mean, I wouldn't turn my own friends in for crimes. Why would I turn my family in? >> You wouldn't turn him over if you knew he jump kicked an old lady, >> dude. Yeah. If that was national news, >> if there was a viral video of a guy jump kicking old lady and you're like, "That's ████ Nick." >> If Nick was going to a strip club as much as Anthony would, you wouldn't tell Tiff. >> Yeah. You wouldn't tell her. [laughter] >> That's different. That's just moral. That's morally wrong. [laughter] That's just Someone's got to say something. That's where I draw the
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