0:00 thank you [Music] welcome back to a very special episode of the careful boys we are currently I like that charge nailed it Ryan charged up man today we are talking about the biggest thing you lied to your parents about where do I stop me that's a lot okay the biggest biggest ████ lie and it's okay if you've come clean since then or is it only stuff that is maintained to maintain it I need to reveal it right now till this day oh they know everything do they but at the time there was a lie time I lied about everything and then now they know everything but first thing would probably be about uh there was this kid
0:52 that I was kind of pranking and ████ around with and he had this so he had this rulers ████ around give your lunch money remember the ruler with a calculator at the end of course right oh ████ nerd right I've never seen it never seen it so yeah there's a it's like a ruler at the end are you human button you can press for like calculating and ████ it's like those calculator watches but on a ruler cool yeah a ruler that needs batteries I thought it was ████ hilarious right so I don't know he was one of the guys that we were always like ████ with so then when he wasn't looking I grabbed it and then I went behind like the bookshelves and I threw it under there and then he said that like one of my
1:43 friends stole it became this whole like whodunit mystery oh right and then I told my parents like I didn't ████ do ████ whatever and then you know when you're a kid you ████ feel guilty and then you want to be like you know what I think I know where it is but you know what I don't know and then the teacher would just be like really show me where it is and then I go I think I saw so and so play with it and so and so play with it and then they flew it flew in the air because they were fighting they were like doing a tug of war and then it flew it's always the most outlandish warm feeling it's just really warm right here I think it was behind why do you care so much you're weirdo Joe's the guy who like who there's a murder and Joe's lawyering around he's like oh you guys got a big murder I got any suspects yet
2:35 bro I ████ the funniest part though is like yeah they egged me on or like I did it right but I ████ took down like seven people with me because I was like yeah this person was fighting with this person and this person was that and then this dude we all ratted on each other we ████ I thought you're not a rep hey I learned my lesson man I beat myself up at in third grade okay or fourth grade whatever it was but I think that was the beginning of like oh ████ like I just straight up Cold Stone Face lied to my parents and at the very end obviously they knew you know come on dude like I knew exactly where the ████ ruler was you know come on dude I think my my biggest slide that I could think of was junior year in high school um because I because I think till this day
3:26 I don't know if my mom knows the truth but I don't I don't have any problem telling her but when I got kicked out it was at the military school and it was me and like 11 other dudes all getting kicked out because through their surveillance camera they saw like all of us running at like 4am to go to 7-Eleven because we're all rolling on E and we all thought it would be great to get orange juice and ████ and it get higher because you know you know orange juice when you're on is very delicious smoke some new parts oh the Menthol through the lungs oh it feels so good so we're running we got caught in the morning because the ████ uh the commandant aka the principal was driving to school that early for some reason you see all these kids just running off so they're like he was like literally driving he goes uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh ████ so they gathered us you're the worst and then and then they found out that uh this whole our little crew has been the
4:17 crew that's been supplying ecstasy through the whole school so they um it's a serious crime so they ended up expelling us right and then my mom has nothing good my mom has never heard of me even dabbling with drugs or anything like that whoa I've got the phone call she was like what part drugs impossible impossible and so you look me like straight in the eyes like you didn't sell any drugs I'm like no way what the ████ I'm like it's ████ white people are tripping and then so he's white like another tripping I don't know they're putting it on me I don't know why they probably just want to like they they'll throw us out there they frame me Mom and then she was like she's like no no no look I know I know you did it I'm like no no just dude I ████ do piss test because I was just trying to like you know you're trying to like get more and more ballsy to see if they'll call your bluff yeah right right and then so
5:07 she's like oh okay my son's down to do a piss test oh okay okay yeah yeah so we ended I end up getting expelled I went home and then my mom's like you know what I think we need to get that piss test I'm like yeah do a ████ go right now you wanna go piss uncle right now I'm ready to piss right now and then she ends up setting up an appointment we go to uh our family doctor and then when I'm sitting in the waiting room I'm like I found the dog the family doctor could ████ do piss tests I thought they just get penicillin or some ████ and then so I was like I can't believe we're going through with this ████ and then the doctor was like yeah we don't usually do this but uh we can I do um I have a lab that I can send repeat out to so like every like little you're like holy every inch of the way I'm like there's there's got to be a way out of there just gonna be a way out of there zombie way out of this and then finally um it was my turn to pee in the cup and
5:58 uh this when I was like oh ████ okay this is tight because I thought they're gonna watch me pee but because it's a family doctor they're not really a drug testing place they're like just go to the bathroom and then yeah you just do it so I peed literally like two drops and I filled the rest up with just warm water because I was like at least they'll feel warm yeah and then and then if I have ecstasy or whatever the ████ I have it'd be diluted it'd be super diluted and you're so dehydrated two drops is like food coloring what if they're like we found traces of probably the weakest e ever the toilet and it was extremely strong so they took that to the lab they ran they didn't say it came back as water it came back and then they're like there were like uh traces Trace Amounts of amphetamines whatever whatever but it's all it's all within the normal normal amounts that's in your regular drinking
6:49 water a normal method my mom got the got the lab envelope and I remember it's being on the uh our washing machine in the garage where like my mom's like it's here and I want to open it with you and I was like oh ████ oh ████ my Palms were ████ like all cold and ████ I'm trying to play cool I'm like I'm like yeah let's open it together I already know what's gonna be on there they opened it and then it was all under the normal levels and I'm like see I ████ told you that's when you dunk as hard as you can I should get a pizza party this has been ████ up an innocent man again charged with a crime she frames it and I was like holy ████ I can't believe that actually works did it
7:41 again this is a hot freaking story bro this is a good story all the way to the end and it was like oh my God oh my God oh what the ████ is actually working holy ████ it's like a family practice they're not testing criminals so they have to probably Outsource to Outsource and Outsource and like oh yeah okay I have a friend that's a lab that'll run step of the way they care even less yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so that was until this day I don't know my mom knows okay I'll do one of those to this day I don't know if my mom knows uh I remember going to a bookstore my mama's probably like the tender age of like 12 or 11. and I remember this was like around the time when like you know all the kids at school were talking about sex and ████ like that but then
8:32 like I I got busted because I was I was like my mom's like you know looking around the ████ Oprah book club section and then I took the opportunity to like check out what's going on in adult romance where I was like damn these chicks got some ████ fatty I took the opportunity to like a little bit see what's up see what Daniel still had to say oh wow yeah and it was like I'm reading it like I'm reading it like like because I had no access to sex anything right yeah so I'm reading it like holy ████ ████ her nipples were Diamond hard and I'm like diamond hard nibbles
9:22 and then and then it's like it's like yeah I'm like like her Peach was so wet and ████ and I'm just like oh my God it's all euphemisms yeah yeah exactly but then I was like this is basically like the ████ hottest thing I've ever seen in my whole life right man I look up to my right and I see my mother oh ████ down there you're standing there with a boner just no like I got the book right here and then I gotta see my mom and I'm like and I ████ and I and I ████ shove it into the back of the you know how like there's a bookshelf right but then there's behind the bookshelf I shove it behind the bookshelf and my mom was like what the ████ is going on she walks all the way over I don't even think she knows what I had in my hand but she knew that you were like yeah my son doesn't read and then she reaches
10:12 in there and then I'm like I ████ hate you you're a ████ I ████ hate you I'm not like immediately I'm just like personal attacks yeah preemptive personal attacks like maybe like if I bomb the ship it'll sink oh my God she's probably like what the ████ where'd this come from you're ████ cut that's why that is a ████ you except for every month I bet you you don't have Diamond nipples exactly oh my God but then but then when I knew she did because I saw her naked one time okay okay but so actually one of my darkest thoughts is I've maybe prevented myself from having another brother or sister because I walked in on my parents that that I think about quite a bit but okay so so then my mom picks it up and she's like what Stephen what the ████
11:03 are you doing what the ████ is this right right and then and then I basically had like two and a half to three hours to figure out what the ████ I was gonna say before my dad got home oh no because once my dad gets home I gotta explain what the ████ going on so I'm like I'm like like in my room and I'm like what the ████ am I gonna do right I'm mapping it all out yeah yeah I was just like I don't know what I'm gonna do you need to pack your bags to get the ████ out of the house I was like okay we're going down we're going down but maybe not today ████ right maybe not today so what I did was I concocted this the story about how kids at my school were making fun of me it was rooted in truth okay because two grades prior to that I
11:53 didn't know what sex was but then like I had a cool guy move into my neighborhood and he like just told me but so I was just like no kids will tell me what sex is so I'm just trying to find out because you're such a failure as a ████ man it's good the ████ animal and I got her Waterworks going and ████ and she's crying ████ and I was like it's okay I forgive you ████ forgive you and ████ I Gaslight my mom now I know what that means is a car ride home or whatever like yeah that was that was in the car right now you're just like I don't know what sex is I was just spitballing just trying to ████ lipstick this is because of you Mom and that hit my mom's emotional cord and then I was like all right this ████ working let's let's keep hitting it and then we'll keep that and we'll continue and that worked enough where my mom didn't tell my dad
12:44 to spare you despair well no just because to spare maybe like because he might get mad at her huh you know what I mean and so but both my parents were weird about sex stuff anyway so I was like kind of hitting on a real nerve like but we're not ready to have the time I was like 11 years old really that's super smart writing career began dude honestly was that that's when he went back and then he got more Daniel Steel books and your mom doesn't know until this day so just I never told her for Christmas is Mommy gets him a bunch of Daniel still books all of his first draft scripts are all like horny ████ well dude how do you tell your parent how do you tell your parents like hey I actually knew what sex was I was just ████ around like just trying to save my own ass yeah I was like I can't I mean I could tell my mom anything now I'm like hey you know before yeah I was the ones playing
13:35 next to you to the whole school and then I peed I used warm water because I didn't want it to be like what the ████ is this cold ass piss you know I was like I don't know I do remember though I do remember because I I watched so many movies I was like I am going down but not today nice you're a young Sean Connery a little bit but at the same time though like when you're that age and like you're thinking about sex and you're reading it and having your parents talk to you about that stuff is the worst thing you could ever go through well especially because my parents like when we were watching the Superman with like Dean Kane yeah yeah yeah and like him and Lois start ████ and then I basically don't get to watch the show anymore like Terry Hatcher yeah Terry and so like my parents were that weird where it's like yeah that's it yeah yeah if that happens it's like no no bedtime
14:25 and I'm like what the ████ Superman just started you know like that kind of ████ oh ████ so then it was like you know my parents would um they would they would um embarrass me like if there's a scene and then like there's kissing and ████ they'll be like and then they'll and I'll be like oh that's a girl and they're like you're gonna want that one day and ████ and then like every time there's like a sex scene they'll be like you know what they're doing and then I'm all like what and then they're like making a baby but my mom didn't tell me what a ████ was so she'll be like that baby's gonna come out of that butt later so the whole time I grew up thinking like kid like you you make out in the bed and you're gonna ████ a baby out it's weird that your parents being so sex positive didn't have any effect on you I know right that is weird dude growing up anytime there was like a sex scene on the movie I would like just
15:16 pretend I would have to go to the bathroom and I would just leave and walk away and then are you beating it in there yeah cause you don't want to see you don't want to see that around your parents or something so I would just pretend like I'm like oh I have to go pee my mom made it awkward yeah like a sexy I'm like oh who wants orange soda it's so weird yeah you're drinking crushing you're getting boners Association for life now ████ I yeah I got embarrassed I got I got I was like I don't want to watch it with you yeah that's the worst and my mom's like whoa you want that huh you want to get kissed by a girl I couldn't watch wild things with my mom or my dad dude you can watch wild things at all the cover yeah I was like man mom dad movie night you guys want to watch Wild Things Wild Things Are like 2001. that's when I fell in love with Denise Richards forever
16:06 everybody did dude oh dude yeah I like wolves not enough too oh that's the first time I saw her yeah she was a nuclear physicist yeah oh yeah was she like Christmas her name was Christmas Christmas Jones but she didn't know how to say nuclear basically it was like George W ████ nuke killer she said it like that didn't they have sex at one point and and someone sets up like the line I got you you ready because I thought Christmas only comes once a year come on let's go get out of here yeah that's great and then she's just like I rolling a very good actress huh no yeah he kind of yeah the staying power was weak yeah the the one thing I liked about that that wasn't really so this is bad because it costs more money but um you
16:56 know when you did any guys have braces yeah yeah you don't have to wear rubber bands yeah so um the the orthodontist was like really adamant about like he has to wear the rubber bands or else the bite is not gonna form correctly blah blah blah and I was like all right cool cool so my mom and dad would always be like make sure you wear and make sure you wear them and I would just never wear them and I would lie that I was wearing them I was supposed to have braces for two years I ended up having them for almost five oh ████ you didn't wear your rubber bands yeah because I didn't wear my rubber bands or my bite plate or any of the extra stuff your parents were like this dentist is cheap laughs so like I didn't get my my braces off until like end of senior year but I got them like beginning of eighth grade oh my ████ and my parents are always like what is going and they would try to consult with the orthodontist and the guy was like he
17:46 gets paid more if I have it on longer so he was like I don't know like we're trying everything we can Ryan are you wearing your uh your rubber bands I'm like yeah I don't know what's going on man I got weird gums maybe like I was like trying to help him structure my mouth or something I just hated wearing the bands and then it would be sore yeah and then again as a kid you try to help out and be a freaking sleuth with everybody like let's let's let's put her head figure out what's going on let's get down to the business okay maybe I'm eating too much calcium you know yeah but then my my teeth were moving so slow because of that and they they couldn't figure out they're like you're wearing your bands you're wearing your bite plate there's no reason why this is happening I guess I eat jawbreakers every Monday I just cut those out but yeah try that we'll try that it almost it pretty much doubled an amount of time that's a long time eight you're still senior I mean
18:36 five years yeah five five is pretty freaking long man senior my whole high school life yeah dude you're trying to think about times where I've lied to my mom and she actually believed me is like I can't think I'm pretty good at knowing like oh dude my whole because it would be my all my sisters they would all ████ they all knew when I was lying I was so bad at lying so and they would just ████ catch me in a heartbeat but I think there was one time where I think it was like fourth grade and I remember and this is my friend at the time his name was varus he was this little white dude he was from Latvia yeah his family was from Game of Thrones name from Skyrim dude kind of kind of and they were from Latvia 100 and he was like a super goodie like nerdy like goody two shoes really smart kid yeah and he just like told his mom that like um he learned that he learned
19:28 curse words for me and he was like talking about like saying ████ ████ at home or something and then his mom came up to my mom and was like your son is a bad influence on my son he's teaching him all these curse words blah blah this blah blah that and she got like really mad about my mom and then my mom started yelling at me it was like you've been you would curse you'd be cursing at the at the playground all the time and like growing up my mom and my dad have the worst mouths ever like every word out of their mouth is like ████ my dad's favorite phrase was like you little ████ you little piece of ████ that was like his ████ place yeah look what you did you little jerk yeah yeah no but my dad's favorite phrase was like calling people pieces of ████ like this guy's a piece of ████
20:19 yeah yeah so we just say it now because it makes us laugh you know but like I really don't remember cursing that much around him but I would curse a lot because I thought it was it was funny yeah but my mom was like and I remember we're driving home in the Ford Windstar van she's like yelling at me I'm all the way in the back seat and I'm she's yelling at me through the ████ Ruby man and she's like so so you're telling me you're cursing you're cursing and I'm like no Mom I swear like I don't curse I don't I don't I don't even know those words like I just did that because it's just Yaris he's a blacksmith he doesn't speak English I don't even know so I I convinced her that like I wasn't cursing like and I was like no ma like I wasn't and then she actually believed me and then like this I have no idea what
21:09 happened here like a year later in fifth grade there was this girl named Emily and like I was like nice to her I wouldn't have any problems with her but she told her mom that I called her a ████ ████ or something and I was like dude I would never call her that what's up with all these kids blaming you I I never called I never had beef with Emily like to this day I thought we were cool and then after that yeah she like told my mom that I was calling her a ████ ████ or something and I was like I never called her that like that I know I did not do I did not do that and then my mom is like you're over your cursing at school calling people ████ ████ like did you call her ████ I was like no I didn't call her ████ ████ but like so back to back years my mom thinks I was like cursing all the time but she actually believed me and was like okay I believe you you didn't call her a ████ ████ and you're not cursing and I got away with that ████ so
22:00 that one you'd really do you didn't do it I personally the first one I was personally I was like fourth grade just cursing the star because I thought it was funny like it would make my friends laugh frame you I don't know bro I really I that's one of the things like I think about that at least like every quarter flirting I don't know I don't know bro I have no idea well maybe it was kind of like when I was a kid and I blamed seven other people and maybe three of them probably who didn't even brought them in down I brought them all down with me laughs
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