0:00 boyfriend is a really like emotional support really good ████ if you if you you hope you want that yeah because the husband's very average ████ that's all it is right it goes down once you get married that sounds like a great tender problem [Music] welcome back to another careful boys where we are very careful careful we are extending this is part two of a conversation we had but this is probably seven months later so uh Joe Ryan this is about what tools are keeping us from being men would you say is that is that I would say what's everyone's definition of like that man because it was inspired by Ryan's idea of like oh I don't feel like I'm yet man enough or like husband material enough and I was like trying to
0:51 figure out what he meant by that and I realized that all guys have a different definition of what that is and also I'm glad that Colleen's here because females would have a different definition of what they think that epitome of a man or a husband material is because a lot of the times you know guys would think the man is someone who has a nice ass car a ton of money and then like he has a lot of girls right but then a lot of girls will look at that and be like oh that guy is just peacocking he's coming covering up he's actually a little ████ so I'm like I don't have a lot of sense would say that too and a lot of sense would say that a lot of sips a lot of Sims would say that's the man yeah Are we more specifically on like almost uh the uh Evolution from like a boyfriend to a husband I think that's yeah that's more what it is yeah yeah
1:41 let's do that because like boy the man is like that's like whoa no it's definitely more boyfriend because at some point you have to think about that like it's not a transition that just takes care of itself I don't think I think you have to take accountability at one point and go like hey if I'm really in it for this person then the skills kind of have to take a different direction you know totally because a husband in my opinion is someone who is life building family building future like lifelong partner that you're committed to boyfriend is a really like emotional support really good ████ if you if you you hope you want that yeah because the husband's very average ████ that's all it is right it goes down once you get married that sounds like a great gender problem you would hope the boyfriend it starts with good ████ and it dwindles over the years it gets whack it gets whack or
2:33 like the play stage I would say is the boyfriend stage you have a lot of fun it's the initial You're Building all of those things together but I don't know I think there's a lot of understanding too because uh great boyfriends don't necessarily make good marriages and um and I think like it's it's what you're paying attention to it's like almost like the the point right in between is your last like portion to really see if you can truly uh understand this person and if you have the capacity to really like see what they're saying when they're saying it that way you don't run into the old basic problems like why did you say it like that why did you mean it this way they were fighting about year one ████ and that shouldn't happen in the marriage I don't think I think you should there's enough real problems in a marriage that you could probably put away the ████ schoolyard ████ you
3:24 know yeah but that's probably why there's a lot of divorces too because there are people that still fight like that in their 40s yeah exactly yeah well there's also like yeah there's a lack of emotional intelligence but one of the things that you know I don't know if you're one of those guys Ryan you're you seem like a very uh particular person as far as like getting ████ done like I think most compliment yeah but no but really like I think maybe um when it comes to like you're you want to be a good husband like I almost think you're gonna be a great husband because you're like over preparing now yeah like like I remember when I was making that transition like I literally got married and I was like okay I'm gonna look up because I Love My Chick so much I'm gonna look up the number one things that guys do that like ruins relationships on BuzzFeed yeah on break.com
4:14 and it was really simple like three lists so I could read it quickly right so uh so no it was like it was dude household chores like not participating household chores was like the ████ number one thing it's like money and households are you serious dude not participating like being a ████ lazy ████ right and so I just started attacking that game like never before and I and Nikki like immediately knows she's like man she's like we got married and like Steve just started like ████ doing dishes all goddamn time and stuff I don't have to ask him and like I just started to make that part of like my awareness and like because I think when as guys we we want to do things but we're not always like thinking of it like priorities wise yeah we're like oh yeah well that's bottom of my list because that's that can get done it's just my own house unless people are coming over right yeah then we heighten it on the priorities list we don't think
5:05 about what your person goes through when they see their house and like go oh disarray disrespects my house and ████ you know you just you don't know right right so that's when I started to nip that in the butt but in progress right like like I think I got better like as I took that next step and maybe you're just preparing like ████ crazy like when you're playing when you play like um a strategy game you build a ████ massive massive Army before you take over the map and I just do slowly little bits at a time I also think the idea of like um even taking on those household chores is so impactful at that time because after the official Union is when that house becomes both of yours you know what I mean right right before you might be roommates like housemates you know what I'm saying uh and and if it's not official then you know like you've probably already experienced whether it be through college or anything else you
5:55 know like living with other people so so just adjusting your your system preferences of like how you live is um a thing that can happen with uh non-romance Partners right whereas the second you become like official official it's like everything is shared everything belongs to you like both the responsibilities and the actual material things like everything like if I bought that TV when uh we were boyfriend and girlfriend after we're married it's like that's half yours too you know what I'm saying uh and same with the dishes the same with the whatever so I think household chores are actually a very significant thing when it comes to understanding that that house is now both of yours I think it helps when you operate the same way like you have the same lifestyle like if you're both clean well this is going to be easy operation maybe find that in a partner what is that but is it that sweet if they're
6:45 already that way or is it kind of sweet if they're working harder oh yeah working harder and accomplishing it great working harder and not I don't know well yeah accomplishing it absolutely I think it's um you can get the point across like if you want some chores done a certain way but not say it so ████ mean they'll people are more likely to do it yeah so like so like let's say um you know Hannah says it jokingly and I get the point it doesn't really hurt me but then I'm like oh that's that makes a lot of sense and we can laugh about it but there's some people that just are so ████ mean why don't you do this that's because you ████ suck yeah and it's like or like they're like in like maybe they're hurt and offended because
7:35 like you mentioned it's like oh they feel disrespected because you are inconsiderate so they come at you as if you were really trying to hurt their feelings and then it causes like this it's just very combative and then it's like man that that makes people want to be defensive and not want to do it at all then so and I think like that like the initial approach always has to be like if you're gonna tell somebody to do something do it yeah do it with kindness like you are in a in a you guys are a couple but what if you got to tell them to do it 55 times then it's gonna kind of then you have to also accept that you gotta probably tell them a hundred more times too and you can start posting notes yeah I did read this one thing right out of all places um I follow this um Instagram called men ask men Reddit and there's this one part
8:25 that said what like makes your marriage successful and then this guy or I forgot who they were but they were like no matter what your partner does stuff for you just be thankful that it's done who the ████ cares like how it was done and I was like oh yeah you know what that's true it's done and it's and it's work that you wouldn't have you know had the time to do anyways yourself you have a partner that now that does it for you you just trade your expectations for appreciation and your problems start to go away a little bit Yeah and and then for me I I was like oh well I what's preventing me from just doing it before them if I wanted done a certain way so then it's like oh like let's say the dishes were done a certain way where I didn't like it well I could have done the dishes why do I have to tell them to do it yeah so I'm like I don't know if
9:15 you're gonna be anal about it it's like then just do it your way yeah do it my way and then yeah so then there's a lot of problem solving like that that I think couples would probably blame and tell the other person to do when it could have just been prevented from themselves so I think it's a lot of those kind of things like when you become more and more committed like you run into these like everything is like a negotiation everything is like who does what and how do they do it and then I think that if the love is lacking there then it's always like a me against you versus like oh how do we just do and it's not that big of a deal it never is it's like dishes it's like cleaning it's like laundry it's like why are you ████ ruining your whole life just for that happy holidays people's today's video is brought to you by Warby Parker what better time than now to try
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10:56 five pairs of glasses to try on at home for free there's no obligation to buy it ships for free and it also includes a prepaid shipping label so you could just send it right back if you don't want it so try five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com off the Record like that's the weird part it's probably because she most women uh well in my experience as well is they take it out on those small little things but there's a underlying issue yeah that's probably which is usually bad sex yeah I know I'm not digging her down hard enough could be could be like they need just for the sake of getting off the subtopic of like household chores and stuff um I think there's there's also this really uh there's such a mental shift you know in terms of like trying to evolve to become
11:46 like husband material um in certain things like uh the culture of even at like a wedding a father like giving their daughter away that's also literally like you assuming that mantle uh of being like the protector and provider of that person as well you know it's very traditional in uh in culture and thought but it's something as uh daily as you remember how like every every single time whether it be like going to a field trip or like you know admitting yourself to like a a doctor or whatever you always got to put yourself uh put out like an emergency contact and you know it's like for my whole life I'm usually putting like my sister or like my dad or something like that right and then the second you think about like um is somebody gonna put me as their emergency contact moving forward you know what I mean whether whether it be something as like a lost item to like uh you know death you know
12:37 like you're the person that's going to be called to like be the number one person like handle somebody else's life suddenly oh my gosh I don't have a car anymore as a boyfriend it's like I'm trying to be the best version of myself and and like uh you know just in that way but like as a as a husband it's like you have to be that best person for somebody else as well and I think being ready for that is a very mental thing as well it's not just like a number of lists of actions that I should do to be better it's like also just being having that mental strength and fortitude and and being able to shoulder that responsibility in in the seriousness of it you know what I mean because becoming somebody else's emergency contact is like huge it's a big deal that's a huge deal I I think um that's a big ask I don't know if I can make it dude
13:27 honestly whoa it didn't just put me in a ████ grinder over here I'm like I'm like oh ████ I don't have a car so if sneaky has the car I mean contact that's going to be a real ████ problem you can go Uber fast though you're really good yeah you guys ever like see your parents um relationship and go like you know what that I'm not gonna do for real so so like yeah so my biggest thing was Finance for I was like I never want to burden my partner with the lack of being able to survive yeah and I saw the stress that my family had of like so like even though I've been like at a loss of money I've never been broke meaning like I never lost my roof I never lost being able to eat I've never lost your truck bed we could sleep in that we could sleep in
14:17 anything right but still the the concept behind it was I always felt like the epitome of a good man or like a husband is someone who can provide and I think my father failed at that like he couldn't provide so I'm like that's the basic probably thing that a husband can do if you think traditionally like what is what is a man supposed to do is be responsible at least with working and paying bills but if you get sick and whatever that's a circumstance of life it's not you being um incompetent and I think being incompetent means like you failed so I think that to me was one of my biggest things like I gotta make sure no matter what like I live in a decent place decent enough to where it's safe and comfortable yeah well for me it's like a
15:07 how I used to try to look at everything like I was super scared when we got married in a lot of weird ways like not because I didn't feel like I was ready for it but it was just like a lot of responsibility that I didn't necessarily think I could do at that time you know but it's more of like you just kind of grow into the role like it's it's it's uh my mindset was just like how do I just unburden things from my partner like how do I just make it easier just across the board whether it's living at home whether it's like hey if she's cooking once a night I'll try to cook as much as I can because I'm not going to be at the house it's obviously it's really dependent on like work and everything you have on your plate but um yeah like I think that's the only thing that kind of kept me thinking like making me feel safe in that way like this is like I can control this I can control how I could help around the
15:57 house how I could just make her life easier and she does the same thing for me in a lot of ways too so it's like a we we didn't get that much friction like when we moved in together when we got married which I feel very thankful for because it's like I realize our Situation's not like everyone else is in in certain aspects but just like having that open line of communication of like what do you need as a human being what are your expectations out of a marriage because everyone's going to have different expectations everything's going to have different wants so understanding what that partner wants and if that's something that you can deliver you're which I'm assuming you'll be fine at like it'll be not a big deal like if I can get married and have a relationship for more than two three years like you'll be fine you'll be fine
16:47 you try so ████ hard dude I feel like Ryan you always try to outdo yourself and like you're out doing yourself I don't think some people could ever reach Ryan's a ████ doomsday prepper over here but it's also it's like just for anniversaries yeah like just the thought process and then the execution afterwards it's just most people don't even have the thought process I don't even remember my anniversaries think about that oh yeah dude yeah so the fact that you're already thinking about that alone you keep me on the Spectrum like I get confused when I'm around you no there's like I think there's like a generational difference between how our dads were in a way like that's the fear in it you know like and there's and not that like my dad had bad qualities but like he he just had so many things that I thought were default I'm like how are you good at all these like things in terms of
17:37 like solving practical problems like fixing ████ uh you know like building things like he just one day I woke up and he built like a whole ████ patio I was like you don't even do this he could Farm you know but that's like his life was completely different than mine I get it but like different skills I think in the now age I I feel like the skills that we got that are default to a guy like him like he looks at me and he's like wow how did you fix the computer it's like yeah you know I know there's different ones but then um I feel like I I am a little bit afraid that in the world to come that I'll see that I'm missing the ones that my dad I could have learned from him and I could have saw that and went oh like I should know how to do that I should like learn that because you know they're there but I I sort of missed it because I was so preoccupied with getting good at today's type of ████ yeah but imagine it's like
18:28 your son's birthday in the future and then you ████ remake like Final Fantasy for him and he's the main characters like that and then he goes to school and all the ████ kids are jealous I I think you have enough skills to to add value to your relationship I just want to learn to cook more things you tell me you can't figure out how to make a patio I bet you could it'll look like ████ the first time I think yeah exactly do you guys think Ryan's kind of like humble bragging a little bit right now yeah a little bit because he's like he's like he's like yeah I could probably program a new game or like you know insert my kid into the space program but um I can't cook an omelette I'm insecure about it guys it's that thing of like getting really good at things and then knowing that there's not really a place maybe where that will be what saves my marriage do you think she
19:18 cares enough about you not cooking for it to be such a big problem we're not building patios but I think it's it's because I'm self-aware that throughout my life I am I'm a Serial uh I'm really good at at uh impressing the girl I'm good at like getting them interested and I haven't always been the best at sustaining and that's like something that like okay I ████ understand that like I have like a really great opener you know what I mean six years later in two Studios together seems like a pretty good and you know and that's and I think that was big that was a big uh asset because we in terms of like working together as a couple that's great when it's new to both of you because I can't really talk ████ and go like I know how to do it let me do it like we both don't know anything and that was a really good thing to bring us closer because I
20:08 wasn't I like that thing I was telling you where like as a guy you tend to ████ Zone in on these teachable moments and go yeah you know now that you know let me tell you how it goes you know and like I ████ had to really get rid of that because it's a bad ████ male habit yeah but like that you know what I mean it helped a ton to also be clueless make mistakes together yeah she can talk equal amount of ████ for something that looks stupid bid that we both did you know like it that was a big cure for I think complexes that I had for years but if you can have a business with your like partner and lover like that's already a huge you're basically married yeah you're basically yeah you're like yeah yeah in California what when you live together for what over five years your domestic partnership she could leave with half of everything you got that means your van well she keeps like I'm just kidding me
20:58 half a Quest Crew just let me keep the card outside also think there's an underrated thing that because when you're in a marriage right or a relationship at all Partners grow and sometimes they don't grow together and and so I think being malleable for their growth is really important like I remember when Nikki like me and Nikki used to go to steakhouses and we would ████ up some steaks and like like that was like our celebration thing like any time that either of us had a win like a significant win we would go get some steaks right and then she is like I don't want to eat meat anymore and I'm like all right but like you can have nugs sometimes like it was a transition period but I just I just forget like because it's early it was early days and I hadn't like I think really accepted that that this was like gonna stick yeah but it was like a growth moment for her like where she's going she's like doing her thing right and then I think you know I
21:50 used to make these like I still make them I used to make these tacos like with ████ beef or whatever or ground turkey and I I was like doing Taco nights with her and stuff and then I think the day that I was like Hey the tacos are all vegan today was a day where she was like oh ████ like he gets it like it's all locked in now and then yeah but yeah growing with your person like changing your tradition so that it still fits to where they're going growth wise very important thing I think yeah effort matters even the little things yeah yeah man this is a deep one huh no we don't have deep conversations anymore right Joe
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