0:00 Or he gaslighted me into so many things where I think a part of me is like when someone is telling me lies, I feel like I need to now murder them for lying to me. Like that red couch you're sitting on right now. That couch is red, by the way. YOU LYING SACK OF ████ NICK. I KNEW THIS WHOLE TIME YOU WERE ████ WITH ME. Welcome back to another episode of Careful Boys, where we have a fatherhood expert, Nick Dunn. >> Yep. Daddy Nicky, you don't really need to be a fatherhood expert for this, but uh the question is, what traits did you not want from your dad, but you GOT THEM ANYWAY? OH, THAT'S SO GOOD. I think all of them, dude. Did you get his irritability? I think you get all of them all the negative and positive traits of your family you get. And you it's your battle to fix it.
0:51 >> the ones that you specifically saw in your dad that you're like, I don't want to be like that, and then you are? >> How mad he gets? Yeah? You have the same like like uh I've definitely worked on it. Do you have a a quick fuse or a big fuse or both? I think it depends on what it is. Sometimes I don't even know what sets me off. Or sometimes I'll just be like >> ruin your day though? Or you're like, ████ And you're just like, ████ pissed. Like I think recently, in the past like 5 years, like there's not much that sets me off like that. Like it would have to be something really big. >> Yeah. Um but there's been times where I've snapped on people in front of Tiff, where she goes, like, what was that? You know? We had this There was this one incident where I had a my friend was drinking. He's like really good He's
1:42 one of my best He was the best man at my wedding. And we have a mutual friend who we all grew up with, and he's coming from the military. So he goes, "Hey, we just went out drinking. Can we come swing by the house? Jose wants to come see you." I was like, "Yeah, bro, for sure. Let's go bring by Jose." They had a third friend there that I don't really like that much. Oh. Okay. And they came to her house and you weren't expecting them. I wasn't expecting him. I was expecting them, too. It's not the third guy. And Tiff was in the house. I was like, I'm just going to say hi to them outside the house cuz they were all drunk and I was like, don't come in my house. I was like, no, no. And then Tiff comes out. She goes, come inside. And then they they all come inside. And the third guy that I don't really like is in my house and we're chatting and it's like it's fine. It's cool. We're having a good time. And then at one point he was talking about like, hey, can I where does this chair go? Cuz
2:33 he had moved the chair in my house somewhere and he was sitting on it. And I was like, nah, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. It's all good. It's all good. And he kept asking, no, where do I put the chair, dude? Where do I put the chair? And I and I go and I and I apparently I just flipped the ████ out and I said, shut the ████ up. GET THE ████ OUT OF MY HOUSE, BRO. What the ████ >> I ████ told you to leave the goddamn chair there and you won't shut the ████ up. GET THE ████ OUT OF MY HOUSE, BRO. I snapped at this dude. I was all, I'll beat your ████ ass. Get the ████ out of my house, bro. He just wanted to be polite. He was Cuz he's been holding it in. He's like, give me a ████ reason. But and that's the thing that's the thing though. It was the way he was doing it. It wasn't he wasn't trying to be helpful. He was trying to push my buttons cuz he knew I was already kind of annoyed already. And we had a couple of incidences but it was it was one of those things where what I did was not
3:23 okay. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have snapped at the guy but I wanted him to ████ know. I was like, no, bro, stop being a ████ annoying ████ I told you to leave it and get the ████ out of my house, right? I was like, get the ████ out. I was so mad. And then Tiff was like, what happened? Did she not know you didn't like him? She knew but she just was like, that was crazy. But then apparently it was like I we had I apparently I got in an argument earlier that day with like my sisters or something about something so I was already kind of on edge. It's compounded. Wow. >> Yeah, yeah. And it was just that that thing where I was like, "Dude, shut the f███." I was like, "Get the ████ And I already kind of don't like that dude." But it was It was like the way he was doing it, and I just got so mad. So it's like things like that where I would see my dad like flip out like road rage. I'd see him flip out on people. And I'd always be like deathly afraid. I'm like, "F███, bro." Like I remember
4:14 one of my sister's core memories is when my dad had my sisters in the car, and he got in a fight with the guy on the highway. And then my sisters from their point of view, they just see their their dad get smashed into the window, and he's like, "Oh, f███." >> the fight. AND THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "DAD, NO, NO." YOU KNOW, LIKE AND THEN LIKE THAT'S SO TRAUMATIZING. That's terrible. >> traumatizing. >> Yeah, seeing their dad get ████ up. >> Yeah, bro. And then, you know, it's like stories like that where you're just like, "Oh my god." And you know, I would always see And the one thing I would see from my dad was him when he would like lose control and get really ████ mad and like slam ████ Like, you know, just all all the ████ negative things that you would associate with that. And then your mind, you're like, as a certain as you get older, you're like, "Man, you feeling like losing that control is just not a good feeling." Because you I think we all want that. We all want to make sure that we could control our
5:04 emotions at least, you know? So, for me, it was always battling that, making sure I don't Like that's like one of my biggest fears is like going to a point where I know I can't come back from. All right. >> That's that's what I'm worried about. Yeah, yeah. But those are That's definitely one of them, for sure. My my dad has this weird-ass trait that I that I got, and it's um every time this happens to me, I feel it, and I try to like suppress it. But growing up, for some reason, if anything happened in the house or anywhere where like Let's say like you dropped a cup, or you tripped, or something happened out of your control, like it was an accident, he would immediately blame you for it. Like Like uh like he would get super mad at me if like any kind of accident happened around me, he would just be like, "Well, why did you let it happen? Like why did you like it wouldn't be like are you
5:55 okay? Or like how did that happen?" It's like, "How did you let that happen?" That's what my dad would do to me, dude. "How did you let the shingles fall off the roof and like let break on the thing?" Like random disasters. Like it would You didn't check on that? You didn't see that coming? Yeah, and I would just be like, "What how did I how would I have known anything?" Or like >> Accidents being your fault. Yeah, he would do that to my mom and my sister. If anything went wrong, if he like heard the sound, he would run it you would hear like and then immediately he would just be like, "What did what did you do? Why did this happen?" And it's like you you you have just as much idea as he does and you're like, "I don't know." And like I got so used to that happening to me that like I grew up having that with every partner I dated. Like if something if happened where they're just even telling me about it. If they're like, "Oh my god, you know this thing happened today at work." And my my immediate mind would be like,
6:46 "Well, why did you allow that to happen?" That's the first impulse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It my impulse is like, "What did you do to cause that to happen to you?" But then I would have to stop myself and go "That's ████ ████." Like maybe this just happened. But like to this day even right now, like if smack were to call me right now and be like, "Oh my god, this thing just happened." My first reflex is to think it's her fault and then I have to like stop that and go, "That's an old weird thing I have." Do people call you a victim blamer? Cuz people call me a victim blamer sometimes. It's for that reason. I got to stop myself. I think by nature I have that trait of being a victim blamer. Tiff used to call me out for that. Tiff used to call me out for fair. I can't help that I that it's in there cuz it's from my dad, but I I all I have to recognize it every single time and know that my first thought is not the correct thought and go, "Okay, what the ████ was that?
7:37 Like why do I want to be mad at you for something that happens to you?" A constant thing between me and Tiff, she'd be like, "It's not their fault." Then I'd be like, "Well, like I could have did something. Yeah, if you look deep enough, it's Yeah, dude. And I hate that. It's a stupid thing. But that's like the first thing I think of when I think of like traits that I never wanted and I always thought were stupid. And now it's like because it happens to you over and over year after year. >> It's because of pattern. Yeah, you're just a part of it. Yeah. Oh my gosh. What about you? The perfection trait? >> Oh, you must HAVE A PERFECT GUY EVERY TIME. THERE'S PROBABLY so many ████ up things, but I think um cuz he basically left when I was 14, right? So, I'm ████ lucky that I probably didn't absorb a lot of the ████ But You didn't fully download the torrent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still seeding. You know, there's just certain things that you don't Yeah, that haunt you and
8:27 you're like, "Oh, I hope I'm never like that, right?" And one of them would be like um he had this ability to be so delusional in a bad way where he'll believe his own ████ so he could get what he wants. So, he'll make somebody an enemy and evil in his mind even though they're like completely innocent. And he'll do ████ up ████ and then he'll justify it and be like the good guy in the story. Oh, wow. Like gaslight himself almost. >> Yeah, and then he'll get what he wants. And I was like, "What the f███?" And then I learned the pattern older when I look back. I didn't know this when I was like a kid that that's what was happening to us, the family, the people in the church, all these things until later the stories come out and I'm like, "This ████ was crazy." And my mom was too innocent and it went over over her head, the the kind of ████ that he would pull. The last thing that I realized was
9:18 like he had an injury, he lost a thumb and ████ And I think I told the story before, but um he basically was moving a piano in a church, and then um he actually sued the church after for injuries cuz he was moving the piano. I was like, "What kind of ████ face sues a church?" Like I don't know any ████ that would sue a church, right? >> Sounds like it worked out for him, though. Right? So, he got a little bit of money through that and like I was just like the the patterns just kept coming out where like like the first one was when um he somehow convinced my mom's family to pay for all of his schooling for uh music school and university and all that. My mom's like, "You know what's weird?" I'm like, "What?" Um he's never said thank you. And I'm like, "Oh, that's weird." She goes, "Yeah, but on top of that, he kept telling everyone that he paid for it." And I first thought it thought was ashamed and all that, but then he started
10:09 forgetting that people paid for it. And he thought that he ████ paid for everything. >> Damn. >> Yeah. And I was like, "You motherfucker." >> wasn't lying. He just really believed that's what happened. >> gaslit me into so many things where I think this is where a part of me is like when I'm not listened to or like if someone is telling me lies, I feel like I need to now murder them for lying to me. You got something from childhood. Yeah. So, Hannah's like, "Dude, you you grew up navigating around a psychopath. So, you you can one spot out who's a psychopath really easily and you don't get easily swayed by people trying to emotionally manipulate you cuz you've been emotionally manipulated so much." So then but then she goes, "But you also have this like um overreaction to people who you feel
11:00 like wronged you." So, she's like, "You shouldn't want to feel like murdering someone because they told you a white lie." And I'm like, "That's true." >> Oh, the proportions are kind of extreme. Let's say they said something nice like, "Hey, you you have I like your jacket." But it was like a white lie to flatter me. And I'm like, "That motherfucker's lying to my face. What are they plotting?" You know? So, then it takes me to such a paranoid It's kind of like getting your ass beat, right? So, you're just like paranoid. That's with me with lies. So, I'm just like I caught this ████ lying. Let's see what else they're saying, you know? But she's like, "No, it's not that. People just ████ They just do that from time to time. People just be saying ████ sometimes." >> Yeah. It's not that crazy. >> No, wow. I'll ████ kill you. That's kind of WHAT YOU'RE ████ DEAD. YOU TAKE ALL THE ████ MAYO? YOU SON OF A ████ >> IT'S KIND OF LIKE ME, DUDE. We're kind of We sound the same. And that's what I'm worried about is like having these
11:51 really horrible traits that are like, why I you know, that's who I was raised by and that's I have his genetics and I have tendencies like that maybe you know, like I I I I I lived in like a like a criminal world or like you know, and I and I live in the gray area and whatever. And I'm like morally um yeah, I just want to be a morally like straight person. But, then sometimes I'm like, okay, how much of this is my belief like is it real or like is is am I living in like a crazy land and then like I think that's kind of what I have trouble with is like reality a lot of the times. So, like how much of this is like I constructed this because yeah, because I have that trait from my father and how much of this is like >> Cuz you know it could be manipulated
12:42 right in front of you. Yeah, or like my mind playing tricks on me is like, oh this is my friend, right? But, then like I used to have this issue when I was growing up or like, oh these guys are my supposed to be my close friends. But, then like my paranoid mind is like they're plotting against me. So, now I have to make the first attack. And I'm like, ████ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is a mindfuck though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh it's like destructive, yeah. But, then now like I'm around people that like I trust, you know? Non-psychopaths. Yeah, people aren't going to ████ with you like that. But, there's like been years of like rapport of like I trust you guys or like whatever. So, like it's it's been a long gone part of me. But, I'm a I'm worried about that um entering. You know what I mean? Like it's like if you used to be a certain way and you overcame it, you're not traumatized anymore. But, I'm afraid of like what if that like I get triggered and then I start feeling like um
13:32 I don't know like I start making up like someone's plotting against me, but it's like my friend, you know, like I don't know. Like that red couch you're sitting on right now? That couch is red by the way. That's a red couch. >> ████ You're dead! Over time we just keep saying it. It's not ████ red, DUDE. YOU LIE, SACK OF ████ NICK. I KNEW THIS WHOLE TIME YOU WERE ████ WITH ME.
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