0:00 [Music] if you could choose any type of bodyguard to [Laughter] have any kind so I'm talking species race species anything bro and undying loyalty undying loyalty brother I was watching I was watching this YouTube channel it's they're called uh Caren and Nate and they go on like uh they go on like road trips and stuff whatever they went to the they went to Uganda and they went to go look at gorillas and these ████ and gorillas they walk up to you and they look at your ass and they're like cuz they apparently they they'll charge you they'll size you up too they'll charge you to see if you're a ████ so they'll run up on you and if you have to like look down and not make eye contact if you don't move then they'll stop and be like all right
0:50 you're cool and then dip out right so it's like this basically yeah they they make you do that yikes and then you watch these videos of how these gorillas get down bro like 500 lb just yaked and they just eating leaves all the time they're just eating all day vegans I would put can you believe that vegetarians I would put a Russian KGB officer's brain in a gorilla's body KGB is that part of the rules I guess so that part of the rules cuz I was thinking gorilla too but they stupid bro yeah cuz you need someone smart a Russian KGB guy is the SM Trump was you know doing his thing yeah gorilla was Secret Service right and if easily do easily you just got to throw a banana at
1:40 that ████ and then he'll get so distracted banana and then boom or the gorilla might just kill you for no reason like you're supposed to protect me he said undying loyalty yeah he's loyalty you but then you don't think a Russian KGB guy likes bananas bananas in the gorill a he's got a brain of a human so he can think he's I his IQ we could communicate it's just like Beast from X-Men you so he would look at the banana and say he' be like I like bananas but I'm a human being so he puts on ████ glasses he goes I'm Hank McCoy basically that's tight get the Beast I pick I pick a bear just a bear just a bear a panda bear huh is it a from a brain from something else the sunar no brain needed the sunbear no brain needed no brain needed so he's a
2:30 rug he's just there like undying L he's just there he's just on the wall so you think that's good enough for intimidation you don't yeah because if anybody walks up to me and I'm just holding a bear they're going to be like oh ████ this guy's on something else I'm turning around yeah that was a bey guard yeah nice dude not man I'm a I'm a guy yeah you got it got it usually it's like doesn't hit it all though but then you got to be so that bear is just always with you bear is just with me taking a ████ next to whatever you want to do you know what I would pick a street shark a street shark is pretty sick a shark with shorts oh yeah yeah any speak what cartoon was that Street Sharks yeah ████ Tiny Tunes I'll take
3:21 a Transformer dude change M no no it's not about you anymore you already chose the be guard can a stet shark breathe on land yeah dude they ████ eat as they swim in as under the ground just go and they got style they have KNE they have knee pads yeah he might have won I think I think I ████ won next prompt as a as a lethal killer right um do you ever feel like you need to be protected yeah what like and then if it so only a street Shar can the only thing can protect you I think a what okay I'll say this when I when I hang out with this guy I feel a little bit safer Bart what are you talking about cuz he's ████ yeah he's a street shark brother one of my buddies he's like 63 he's a big old ████ 250 dude when I just walk around with these tall Bosnian men and Mexican dudes I just feel safer you don't think that attracts
4:11 the I don't know like other guys that look like that to come fight them yeah maybe maybe yeah for sure you how that happens sometimes when you're with like oh man I'm with these tough dudes and then a whole another group of tough guys come night you know like that's when it get sketchy they get targeted because guys want a test and go I wonder if I could ████ that guy up we one time we uh we went out with uh one of our buddies who was like he played in NFL he's like six ████ eight wow and this ████ everywhere we went everybody just kept bugging him talking to him and like just getting his face so that way it's like dude I and this guy was like I never go out and now you understand why he's like did you play in the NFL you you must be a basketball player like dude everywhere we go so it does bring a lot of unwanted attention but ████ that that's annoying though but what how much attention would
5:01 a street shark bring that's a lot I think a lot dude that'd be crazy see you walk around with ████ like 2D animation hey where'd he go I'd probably just have like a a ninja so that it would look like nobody's around yeah that just crawling yeah just chilling dude having having a guy in in a window with just a red dot that'd be cool but it's no no gun no gun just a red dot it's a laser Bo anytime you trip her like you do like a fake call or something and some someone invites you somewhere you're like are there Windows where we're going can you make sure there Windows that's a lot of work man what's the high where's The High Ground I think I might have to go with a dragon ████ yeah oh ████ got Aid of I'm afraid of him not like what if you were like in a place where it's so interior that you can't get in there in time yeah
5:51 that's true I just got to get next to a window open it so if he needs to Flame the ████ out of someone he can you're in there let be outside like this watching the the whole time like what if you're at an Frank's like house where she grew up and you're like checking out the little knick like the bricks are broken and ████ like that you saw Game of Thrones every time they even start running they like break ████ buildings and ████ he's like I want my guy to be meca Godzilla you know what it's it's got to be it's got to just be like you know how some insurance policies have a high deductible it'll be like that like this kind of dangered under I just got to take care of it and this kind of Danger Above my dragon will take care of would be ████ hilarious Your Dragon kills bear wherever wherever you went your bodyguards were the Power Rangers all of them an outfit so they're just teenagers with attitude but they
6:42 have the they have the annoying dialogue and morph yeah they're just hella spunky you're like a ████ can you just beat these guys up for me and they're just like doing flips all the time they have to go bigger after losing at first yeah do karate moves in between they're talking hey Nick would you like to go get some wings today I'm like just morph already are you guys in your normal bodies yeah don't be the Megazord that drives be the one that stands turn into that already yeah come on start there go Power Rangers like a cheerleading squad that could beat everyone the tiger from He-Man that's he can fly oh yeah he can fly huh he can fly tiger from the one that he's like he or Beast Master he's riding on top of got like aad cuz I feel like I already that's what you want I already have like little ████ tigers this is what you're going to look just
7:32 think about it you think that matches your aesthetic he I don't remember it looking that ████ why is his nose a ████ lobster tail sh coming I'm coming it's a lobster tail I thought that was so dope back in the day mrad man why does it look like Dr Seuss look so I thought he looked way cooler back then well I just want to be able to ride a tiger I think tigers are that Beck they're basically just more cats but cuz if you're a bodyguard you're a cat guy oh this is the one that's why you like it he has a hey are we going to fight car today sorry I'm late yeah like a badass tiger that I could also ride yeah that and or if we're going like real non like or fiction maybe like battle cat like
8:22 Superman or something like that that's that's dude hold on what are you going to ride imagine your food imagine your food you need your food you need to heat up or cool down you know what I mean going make you going to make him do ████ like that Sub sub brings up a good point undying loyalty okay look supering brings up a good point if you're a Superman and you're like hey superman I got I got to go to Romania he's got to carry you and ████ fly yeah and I'll go like this his dick is on your ass you wrap your legs around him I'm like go ahead I'm good you guys are facing each other but then that means you that means he's always watching you like you can't jack off for it how about this just get with one get with one Wonder Woman get with Wonder Woman a new come ████ wow bodyguard that's HR every time every time you want hey if Superman's hanging around you all the time you just have to throw some Kryptonite near him and then he runs
9:12 away you're like all right I can jack off now he's awkward and and like socially or something no but then you're going to be like righteous all the time can you just can you just go Clark Kent real quick and take some photos that's what you do right you take photos photos of you yeah that's crazy oh so he's also still Superman and Clark K Superman he's both of them yeah what op you got a brainless bear that's your fault cuz you can't get like he's not going to care jering off next to his bear his bear doesn't know what he's doing but Superman knows what you're doing didn't have that Bond plus he's an alien you know what I mean he's not even a human judge me I'm like he already indoctrinated by his father must believe in men to be that's true you're right he already got love for us okay yo check this out I'm going to be realistic okay brainless bear the bear ████ the brainless you don't want the bear no more I don't want the bear no more that sounds crazy I know I chosen one but what are you going to do carp hey what's
10:03 up guys just in case you have seen some of these lovely pieces on some of our gentlemen here these awesome Jade pendants or you may have seen the recent JK Adventure where we went to Jade Jewelers just remember that the sale is on now if you want to visit the jw. you can even find some of the stuff that our guys have had and way way more the selection is huge so make sure to visit the J Jewelers and check out what they've got check it out let's go no no no no check it out giant fish a hey hey python a python okay python they so slow sized python you're going to carry a python around your neck no no no no no no not a python the the the the the super venomous snake they don't got Venom Mamba pythons have no yeah snake cobra cobra look look I'm
10:53 going keep them in my halong sleeves so when I don't like my halong sleev what like halong sleeve hey I'm going wear a long I'm going wear a long s long sleeve so it's like wrapped like this no yeah it's just wrapped around my arm and then every time I don't like someone he knows cuz the feelings and then I'm going to shake his hands and it's going to go damn and he's going be like and he's going to go it's not venomous I guess grab oh it's a python ow a python yeah that's it so you have to shake everyone's hand you don't like them no I don't need to shake them I could just be like what's up dog he not even oh ████ you got me ████ up J he's just going to ow a python oh garden snake well you got a shalong ████ Armor you guys got me so
11:43 you going to do a Cobra on your arm I don't know what I got to study my snake what would you pick but that means people got to be so close to you yeah that's fine let them think they got it I was going to do the ninja I like I like the oh he can oh he knows I'm drag it off I don't want him yeah yeah he's always watching he's always like creeping you could send him outside right I'm going jack off that outside I'll never know if he really is outside I won have peace of mind I love that the biggest like thing that we got to make sure is cool is when I'm jacking off are you going to know what I'm doing that's when you'll regret it I that's when you'll regret it hey boss I saw what you did last night I was just wondering now if I have time tomorrow to do the same I take tomorrow off you got to treat him like a person it's weird I want to be like like yeah I like the fact you have a dragon cuz it Doesn't adhere to like Union rules oh if you had ████ Like rules red widow or ████ one of
12:35 those Marvel Superheroes that's hot no HR issues you can't ████ where you eat B maybe like the ring girl but like slightly better looking you got to make him watch like a team of special virgin bodyguards cuz he believed that virgin women were the most protective that's kind of smart didn't help in the end huh they didn't none of them no they didn't work he lost his virginity in the end as well oh they didn't work what about like Daredevil because like he's also a lawyer but he see he can't see Jack yeah he can't he can't see he's hey hey what are you doing over there tell hey I just bought papers just got a Slap Chop he's just also a lawyer and that's just like helpful you know he's like I think you're dragging off he's like no I'm not Matt Murdoch I'm not he's like I could straight hear you through the wall you're blind dude you tried to do
13:25 everything at wants just so it's loud and noise about Dr It Off just turn on TV what's wrong with you guys what do you mean he knows what the TV sounds like you just play your porno really loud Daredevil is like a ████ bat dude he's just like yeah dude it's hard ████ hear everything yeah oh you know who I would go with the freaking have you ever seen ninja scroll of course okay there's one of the one of the Devils of whatever uh he's um he has like the power to like move in and out of Shadows and then he shoots this like Claw from the shadow that's dark as ████ that's pretty tight cuz I'll be like go do your Shadow thing I'm going to do my thing do your Shadow thing yeah but you're going to create Shadow with your dick and you can just come up and grab it that's ████ you know what the best bodyguard might be then it might be ████ the Venom plasma thing what's
14:16 that so venom goes onto you so you are your own body yeah and then it goes away so you can ████ goes into your pockets with your jacket a little bit and then you can come back out you're you're like wet afterwards aren't you no but every now and then like you just have to feed your own Bodyguard by eating other people's head oh yeah you got to feed The Bodyguard you want a bodyguard though cuz wouldn't you want some privacy from time to time just to jack off that's my whole jacking Side Story going back to anime if I'm going to anime characters I get one punch man dude one punch man is pretty good saitama though cuz he see he's very chill you know but if he just punch tracks a lot of problems oh I see you're going to have that crab guy after you people going to be like I sense the most powerful person on this planet need a ████ with him yeah and you're over there like I just got my black belt like how about Shredder it's not me dude what if you just had Shredder Ninja Turtle
15:06 Shredder he seems a little intense Hamato Yoshi yeah he just had Hamato Yoshi around he seems like he doesn't like to have fun yeah how about okasaki the guy who got defeated yeah I'll do a a aady for n oh then you got HR problems every day who's that who's that is a lady oh yeah super strong I would want that is that why you picked her instead of the other guy that looks like Bruce Lee why don't you pick the Bruce Lee Guy rock Le no you know who I would be down to have maybe not a lot of you guys know this this species have you heard of Wang F Hong hell yeah dude Once Upon a Time can beat up anybody this straight ████ fly on people's shoulders and ████ that would be TI he pulls all kinds of weapons out of his body
15:57 [Music] like a wall he just ████ hit the wall the wall shatter yeah but every now and then you're going to need to shave the front half of his head got get haircuts all right take it or leave it take it to leave it if if the freaking bodyguard Angel is the best they can do is give you the freaking Jackie Chance's Uncle from R Bronx the guy who owns the store the guy who likes black chicks yeah that's it or what about what about the little brother who's in the wheelchair he's your body guard you're like a ████ legs were like other kids legs why do you say that every day who wrote that ████ too that's so funny I'd rather get white tiger I'd rather get white i' rather get the guy that goes like this and denies he works for white tiger oh man yeah that's not going to go well Joe you didn't say any yeah what' you say gorilla with the KGB
16:49 brain okay honorable mentions you want to pick uh like someone from Chinese mythology you wouldn't picked The Monkey King that would be a good bodyguard oh that's cool The Monkey King is kidding which one or L could L Bo bro invisible like kind of like a like a demon Spirit or something oh like a spirit so like I can actually have some privacy or like night crawler that might be even worse cuz you don't know if it's for real but also the thing is I feel bad like I think I'll get too attached to my bodyguard I'm like hey are you hungry like do you want me to get you some tacos or some ████ and like d that's kind of tight we had a driver in in Vietnam and um my like he was just sitting in the car I'm like hey so you hir this guy for the whole day he goes yeah he just takes us everywhere and I'm like what do you what does he do when we
17:40 sleep in the hotel and like eat ah they just find their own thing they sleep in the car and I'm like what the ████ hey tell them to come out here I and I was just like hey sit down and then I we just ate and then I I was just buy him food cuz buying him food is like three bucks right Ander I know that's nothing right so I I feel like I have that same feeling of the bodyguards I'm like what you guys sitting in the car like what are you guys doing in there I don't know just you know waiting for you like come on over here well that's why bar can't have a dragon imagine feeding a dragon you're going to have to get like herd of goat every day be responsible for that which one of the blood for characters would you have as a bodyguard and it can't be vanam and it can't be the freaking guy that does this he's too good and it can't be Chong Le can't be CH le le no he do the he do the African Guy the one that got beat up by the sumo wrestler which one of the guys that
18:30 didn't make the finals the one that got huged to death by the you only have you can only have one of one of the guys that didn't make the finals in Blood Sport probably the sumo wrestler guy that guy cuz he looks intimidating he's so big oh that's true yeah but he's got freaking glass nuts you're going to have to feed him so much together I like to eat too we eat together you na with him all the time oh yeah I'm down that's a lot of budget though he has a weak spot what is it belly or nuts oh yeah that's all over and the sides of his head remember yeah what what if your bodyguard was uh was Jackie chanon Drunken Master every time you had a fight you'll like booze him up you go like please please pleas take some shots these guys are bullying me please take some shots take some shots I'm just there just drinking with him like go get him man just doing this move all the time just spamming this second Drunken Master I want the guy that he fights that puts the chain around his
19:21 arm dude one hand you're like watch you use both hands yeah it's like you're calling it out okay I think I'd hire it man and he'd find out I'm Japanese and then the whole time he'd be like I'm not going to protect you he just be staring at why you just get the Japanese guy from it man cuz he gets beat up the general dude the main all of them get beat up that's why you rather have it man but he's the second best in the movie I thought they let I thought they let him win yeah no I'll get that nerdy Japanese dude with the circle glasses with a pistol hey I would get that one uh what was that one that like Savage dude that comes to town from itman that guy's the northerner yeah that guy's TI that guy's a ████ that dude he's the one that whoops all the Kung Fu Master's ass yeah then they then they become friends and stuff yeah my
20:11 final answer is Michael J white dude Michael J White in what time period like when and you're invited to all the cookouts like Black Dynamite Michael D way or Blood and Bone Dynamite I didn't even think about that one that one's that one's high up on the list Black Dynamite M white be pretty funny he'd be cool I thought that was Eddie Griffin was that what was the movie Undercover Brother Undercover Brother brother cover brother Undercover Brother he mixed him up with Michael Jack
// end of tape