0:00 So if you're a dish, you're actually a very bland dish. It's like I'm just salt and pepper. Or not even maybe >> salt or pepper. >> Salt or pepper. Yeah. >> Not both. >> Not even both. [laughter] >> Welcome back to another episode of Careful Boys. We have Nick the ear and Melissa the banos with us. The bano. The bano. The bano. From your experience, um, now that you've lived a large chunk of life and met all types of Asians in the world, which Asian would you say is the hardest to get close to, to like build a bond with? >> Oh, that's a good question. >> Holy macaroni. >> My parents. I'm just kidding. [laughter] >> That's a good question. The hardest to build a bond with? Yeah, cuz if you've you've probably noticed that some I
0:50 don't I like at least in my life, I feel like certain types of Asians have been easier to like build rapport with or get closer to or like at least like achieve like a a nice strong bond friendship wise. And then others it's a little more standoffish. It's kind of hard to break through. >> I think I think [laughter] >> Wait, which one? Chinese is which one? >> Hardest. >> Chinese the hardest. >> Really? >> What makes Chinese so hard to build a bond with? This is all generalization, right? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's fact. >> Generally, culturally, I think Chinese I I Chinese American >> Oh, interesting. >> It's hard to, how do I say this? Um, I don't think they're good with connection. It's not in the culture to like connect like
1:40 emotionally connect. And that's what you need in order to connect with someone, >> right? So I feel like maybe that's just because I'm Chinese. So that's what I >> I kind of feel the same way. I feel that way about myself. Actually, >> it is hard to connect with you. >> Shut up, Bunnels. You don't even know me, dog. >> I think it's Japanese. >> I don't even know you. >> AND HE WON'T EVER. [laughter] >> I think I think it's Japanese Fox. >> Well, >> Japanese [laughter] Fox. >> Is there a Is there a language barrier? >> [laughter] >> cuz I think Japanese people are very warm and easy to connect with >> because so when I started hanging out with like a lot of Cantonese people, right? And then like um I started thinking like Chinese people are so much
2:30 more warmer and like they're more like they'll have big family gatherings and everyone's there and then they'll they're like they're more like they have a good time and then like they'll they'll they'll say things to each other straight up. Uh and they're out of the Asians I would say Japanese people are the most fivefaced. So like based >> they never say what they think. They never say what they feel ever to their own family members or anybody. They never confront you with anything. So like there's a lot of ways that they communicate where it's extremely subtle and if you're not Japanese, you don't get it. So for example, like there'll be things where like um let's say your neighbor will be like, "Oh, your kids are so like lively. They're like they're like always having a great time. You have such cute kids." and they'll be like, it's kind of like passive
3:21 aggressive where they'll be like, "Yeah, like I could hear them, you know, they're they're always having a great time. You must have a a fun time in your house or whatever." But what that really means is, "Shut the ████ up. Your kids are loud, bro." But then like Americans would probably be like, "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They they we are a big happy fun family." >> So like there's like different ways of communicating, but they'll never say things directly. >> Yeah. Whereas I thought Chinese people are more easy to understand because they'll tell you straight straight the ████ up and you're just like, "Okay, well, at least I know where I stand with you." >> Yeah. But when you're connecting with someone and just shooting the ████ I feel like I don't know. I don't think Chinese people are as good at that. >> Maybe girl to girl. You mean I get what you mean, though. Like if you want to like businesswise, yeah, you want someone who's direct, but when you're connecting with someone, you want
4:11 someone who can just kind of >> exist and want to share things with you and thoughts, deeper thoughts. >> Do you think there's like a different way that that let's say that Chinese person in that example is trying to connect and it's not a >> you know what I mean? Like where they think they can >> maybe do it their own way. It's not emotional >> or like do you see an attempt being made at all? Yeah. >> Sometimes >> it's just like not >> I think Chinese people have less uh emotional vocabulary. >> Yes. >> Yeah. They just don't have it >> because they're not growing up with it. >> They don't teach you that >> cuz like uh so one of the things that Gio complained about with me was uh when we first were dating and stuff was I'm um uh not very emotional. And I was like >> well compared to a Latin. >> And I'm like I feel I'm I'm emotional. She goes yeah the only one you have is
5:01 anger. Oh, >> my vocabulary is one word is one word, right? I'm angry or I'm happy. >> It's very primitive. It's like the type of emotions I can feel. It's like five [laughter] or or like Yeah. Like a child. For her there's like 300, >> right? >> Be this and this. A mixture of these and the the And I feel like for Chinese people just growing up, you don't really I think because emotions aren't really valued and you're almost told to put them away to the side. It's about the mission, the objective. You don't really develop like how you feel and you can't even have mixed feelings about things, you know? It's just >> Yes. You're not supposed to show your emotions. >> You shouldn't. Yeah. >> You shouldn't. Yeah. That's how I was raised. >> You become So, if you're a dish, you're actually a very bland dish. It's like I'm just salt and pepper. Or not even. Maybe >> salt or pepper. >> Salt or pepper. Yeah. >> Not both. >> Not even both.
5:51 >> Yeah. [laughter] >> Yeah. I'm a very bland dish when it comes to the emotions. >> No, cuz I always found that refreshing about Chinese folks. And I liked the straightforwardness. I liked the simplicity. I liked the It was like not complex. >> It was like I know what they're feeling. If they're mad, they're mad or whatever is going on. There's no hidden agenda behind the way they communicate. >> Yeah. >> And then like they do express more like in terms of fun. So I I but I know like there's different kind of Chinese, right? You got Taiwanese M and I think they're maybe like the northern Chinese are more similar to Japanese in the way that they might like have speak in subtleties and they don't like wild out like Cantonese people. But I yeah I think like hearttoheart in general I don't do that. So I wouldn't even know
6:42 >> cuz you're Japanese. >> Let's try Let's try >> Bobos is like actually Japanese number one. [laughter] >> Yeah. >> Well, I'm a ████ weird one. You know what I mean? So like Yeah. But yeah, >> because to get close, you need to do hearttohe heart, right? You got to like know what where the person's really about. >> I think complexity brings connection. >> So you were talking about like it's not complex, but then that's I feel like that's where there's a wall. >> Yeah. Because the complex is usually nuance, right? So like if people don't want to say things straight up, it's because >> they might be thinking at about so many different angles that they're not ready to tell you like >> because the layers they're confused about. >> There's a difference between complexity and straightforwardness. You can have both. >> That's true. >> Have 20 flavors >> and you can if you're good at articulation, you can it could be straightforward like it doesn't mean
7:32 you're hiding it all. >> That's true. >> Yeah. How did you so uh being raised with that in mind, how did you break through that personally to be like, well, I want to have a connection with people. I don't want to be closed off or have like a I guess like a a less emotional vocabulary. How did you end up noticing that in yourself and changing it? >> Um therapy. [laughter] >> Really? >> Yeah. >> Is that what it took? It it didn't take therapy, but therapy helped like actually articulating what I feel, what I need, what happened in childhood and why I am the way I am. Just basically helping understand um and be more being more self-aware helps you be able to emote and um like communicate that better. But also, I remember in high
8:24 school, like when you see white families and how they are with their parents and then how I am with mine where there's just kind of like a well, it's a loving situation, but it's just different. >> It's a lead wall between the two. A lead wall >> or like like my an example, the my best friend that lives here, she tells her mom everything. I mean, they talk about all the things >> and [snorts] even my husband, he talks to his parents about a lot of stuff like very adult conversations. I could never have that with my family, right? >> Because they'll always treat me like I'm a child and like there are certain things where they won't tell you, but that's culturally very common in Chinese. >> I was at a restaurant and there was two older uh older white couple >> uh daughter and son. You could tell I think uh one was in college, the other one I overheard he was like a firefighter or whatever. And you could
9:14 tell they haven't hung out in a while. And then the mom was like, "So tell me about college." And then the girl just goes, "Oh, I was dating with this guy blah blah blah." And then just open book. And I'm like, "What the ████ kind of conversation is this?" And the brother's clowning on on her, you know, like they're just like friends. >> Yeah. >> Tell like there's at least a 20 30 year gap. But they're just listening. Oh my god, it's crazy. Blah blah blah blah. >> I'm like, "Holy ████ how do I have that?" >> You know, >> it's mind-blowing. I didn't know that existed until until then. >> You know why? I think Asians can't do it >> is because um Confucianism and hierarchy. So like >> at least for Japanese people, there's a way to have conversations depending on what rank you are in the social hierarchy. >> So like if your peers, you can shoot the ████ with your peers, but you don't shoot the ████ with your subordinates
10:05 and they don't do that with you and have that. >> So that's why parents only know how to interact in a lecturing style. M >> they don't know the the frame of like it's almost like you're taught how to work customer service, right? And then you this is the script that you follow when you're at the register. How was your day? Whatever. Whatever. Right? They don't have that when it comes to someone below them or above them. >> They have a different frame of mind. So So they don't know how to like talk to you in a way where it's like >> you're my peer but you're not my peer. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I think that's what makes them malfunction. >> A really good example of that, so my wedding, I had four bridesmaids and um my husband's groomsmen were his grandpa, his dad, my brother, and his
10:56 brother. >> That's cool. >> Okay. So, it's all family. And then mine were my um sister-in-law, my two best friends that I've known for a really long time. And I wanted my mom to be a bridesmaid because I thought it'd be really cool for her to walk down the aisle um as I don't know. I just I wanted her to stand next to me, you [clears throat] know, in in the party. >> Yeah. >> Um and she actually turned it down cuz she was like, "I don't think I can do that. Moms can't be a bridesmaid. That's like a downgrade." >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> So, I feel like it's this like hierarchy thing. >> Yeah. But like his family was completely okay with it. Like all of them were up there. I wonder sometimes I think cuz you know I feel like a lot of the Confucianism does cause a lot of trauma too. I wonder if like Confucious in heaven like what the hell did I do? [laughter] >> He's like ████ THEY ALL ████ UP.
11:49 >> That is funny though, right? >> Yeah, it is. Yeah. >> But I think they know how to operate in that system in the western system is confusing. >> Yeah. So then when we grew up around it, so it's normal. And also I don't know how to operate in their system. I'll do some rude ████ like I'll talk to older people a certain way and I think they're just like what the ████ is wrong with this kid? >> But for us we can like it's different. But I think there's a little bit of that where we carry like we can't call people's parents by their first names. >> Yeah. No matter what >> a lot of other people in America, they're okay with that. I feel ████ weird. But they're like call me Bob. we're closer now. And I'm like, "No, I can't ████ do that." >> Yeah, that's odd. >> Yeah. Well, like British people, they'll break the ice by roasting each other immediately. And I'm like, I can't ████ roast someone's dad. [laughter] >> Like that's weird.
12:39 >> Cuz you'd probably take it too far. [laughter] >> Why do you think that like at least through my life, I've I've felt like the darker the Asian, the easier it is to get along with them? >> What the hell? >> I think there's more emotional vocabulary. >> You know what I like the lighter the lighter Asians basically like Southeast Asian or you know like >> the jungle Asians jungle Asians are like >> way more easier to like warm up to. >> I feel like jungle Asians are way easier to like build instant rapport. >> I think it's the um they don't have the same rules. So East Asians has rules early on where you're being a ████ nuisance when you show yourself. >> Yeah. But then like if you go to like Southeast Asia and travel, right, they don't regulate their kids in the same way. Like they don't treat their kids like you're being a ████ nuisance to society. Like the kids could run around,
13:30 be curious, and play. They have their own set of rules that's kind of similar, but it's way more loose. I think that's the difference. >> A funny thing though, so like let's say I had my friends, right? If if I want to have a good time and I want to really bond, for sure all my Southeast Asian ones. >> But if I need to count on them, I wouldn't choose them. [laughter] Like I'm like, if I need someone to be on time, like, hey, I need someone to pick me up at LAX, I'm going to go through and I'm like, which the lightest skinned Asian, [laughter] >> the palest one, I have the most rigid schedule. >> I like that will pick me up on time. >> That's true. >> The car ride isn't going to be as fun. >> No. Yeah, exactly. the the the Phil if he could bring a Filipino guy in the back seat that is just sleeping, >> it balances it all out. >> But then he wakes up after he picks me up, we're going to have a good conversation, >> dude. Filipino time is crazy.
14:22 >> Yeah. And there's also the Filipino like, "Oh, damn. That was today." [laughter] >> ████ bro. My bad. >> But for sure, when you go to like a Southeast Asian party, you might not even know anybody there, but you know immediately you're comfortable. Like they ████ make you feel like, "Come on, man." Oh, they're hugging you, kissing you and ████ East Asians, you're like, you walk in and you're like, "F███, I hope I I'm ████ accepted here. Like, I hope I'm not judged and s███." >> Maybe that has to do a little bit with like the Southeast Asian countries. Everybody's poor. >> Versus like I hierarchies and like >> That is That's right. >> Like we don't really have that in the same way. Maybe now, >> but like >> there's less snobbery for real. Like there's way more >> harder to come by. Yeah. >> Yeah. Whereas like East Asians, there's a lot of ████ judgment. And it's
15:12 like, are you are you are you good enough to be a part of this clan? Like that's the feeling, right? You go in, you're like, I don't want to I don't want to be a nuisance. I think that's on our minds. I don't want to be I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to be a nuisance. I hope I don't ████ up, you know? Like, >> and then later you get comfortable. You're like, okay, they're cool. They're cool. Yeah, we're cool. You know? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. You go to Vietnamese, has already ████ up. [laughter] >> That's that's the highest level of confusing.
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