0:00 [Music] [Laughter] i don't know what it is what does that even mean it means [Laughter] all right you're gonna you're gonna really love this uh description so um a mutant superhuman with crumpled chest no neck recessed eyes and nose and airbags in
0:51 his lungs has a body that can survive car crashes they said they call him a mutant so he looks like the dude from batman what the ████ he looks like the dude from oh was that an arousal though no i just didn't that's a real person is that a computer generator like is that a real person it's a sculpture but what it is is this it anatomically shows everything that you would need to survive a real car crash that arm looks like bars this person that is what you would have to be in order to survive a car crash without injuries like a no neck man you'd have to be all of these things so what are what are those boils on his chest you need that those are the air bags to keep the lungs from collapsing wait i'm confused is this just just like an article someone wrote it's like is this a real person it's like a science art oh yeah
1:42 they were like super human they're like human if you had a steel chest you could survive it's to illustrate how fragile human bodies really are in car crash you know what's crazy though so in uh when out my senior year of high school me and my buddy i lifted so my like neck's stronger my my buddy doesn't lift at all yeah we were racing on in montebello over here and he hit a pocket the car starts spinning we rear end into a street light the street light comes and smashes the car and the car's like dented in half both me and him were knocked the ████ out oh my god immediately i was able to kind of come to consciousness a little bit but then i kind of was like going in and out of consciousness and the firefighters pulled us out or whatever and they put us in the ambulance when we're in the ambulance that's when i started like waking up and my buddy was just like but he wasn't conscious and he just kept throwing up from all the trauma when we got to the hospital or our beds were facing each other and i could already start to feel like okay
2:32 cool i'm kind of like getting back to normal normal yeah like i can like someone could ask me questions i can respond my body was in an insane amount of pain i'm like i'm really stiff but i can kind of i'm like i'm there he was still just throwing up and all that weak ass ████ and then i was like holy ████ fascia's weak bro yeah and i was like i think from the ████ spinning around i think just having like more i don't know ████ mass or whatever it prevented me from having his injuries and he left the hospital five days after i left and even then when he went home he was still throwing up and he had to lay just like late i mean this one got brock now honestly you kind of look like the rendering he does that's bart hey sit like that
3:23 dude i'm pretty sure if you have those like matching shorts i like how he's wearing like just like jc pen those look like target shorts like did you just roll up at target he grabbed a pair of shorts off the sales rack and he's like i'm chilling look at his legs yeah he even has extra joints like on his dude those are massive daffodils skip leg day for sure yeah so it's a collaboration between a team of doctors artists and car crash specialists he kind of looks like kind of looks fine someone that loves fast food but also was born a little deformed it's like in a ring it looks like an orangutan i don't think so he doesn't look deformed to be actually like you know had sex with a human he looks like a monkey like he looks like kind of like a half monkey yeah yeah but he ain't dying and no buick roll up i look like you know who he looks like he looks like ed from um
4:16 but also why did they give him no hair yeah like when they give him like a stylish haircut that won't get caught in something like that what do you want to give him like a fade or a man but they didn't have to make them ugly yeah a little bit of chest hair though that's fine that's important for the car crash though a little bit of chest hair like is this dude fit what's up with the face all scrunched up why is the face all scratched so the skull itself has crumpled zones like the bumper of a car oh ████ so it'll just go and it'll probably go you know what's really important after the adjuster goes let's see what would be really really cool if people just wore their seat belt and so then we wouldn't have to look like this that's actually not probably that's actually not what would you rather be that dude or just wear a seatbelt i'd rather die looking
5:07 i want to go down like this bro when ryan drives his head sticks out in the passenger seat he still ganks the ride i never understand people can do that because i'm a little ████ now with everything i do you drive like this now i drive like a little that's how i drive because i can't reach the pedal but i'm far back but i don't sit low i like being high and far but i know people who literally will drive like this yeah ████ i'm like where are you this isn't skeleton sometimes i drive like this that's integrity no same yeah i mean it's nice opening up my hips i need to be close enough to hit the buttons can i can i ask a cancelable question yeah let's go my favorite i want to ask wait she's like i work in hollywood you know everybody always said don't text and drive yeah well then how are you supposed to get really good at it but also can i say something can i say something you have
5:57 to do it i'm saying about texting and driving i'm really good at it this is a hot take do you have your keyboard memorized on your phone yeah look texting and driving i do it's not that hard nope what's wrong no it's just the tone what's wrong is when people text and drive they're 85 percent about their phone see that's so the ratio is right it has to be the other way you have to forgive the typos say whatever the ████ just send a voice note you could do that too but i was like you don't have a car from 2000 but but i'll say this i do but watch tell me something i'll type without even looking um bart i love you you're very handsome go read it out loud please yeah give him the phone read it read it okay wait no autocorrect let's see i think i can do that too what did it say what is it did he do it bart i live you oh fair enough gibber handsome oh i love you
6:53 but now imagine if it's slightly peripheral vision if i'm driving like this like that slightly but i also i also think add the red light into the combination if you can't most people you there's a prerequisite to be able to text and drive most people can't even get the driving right yep so you can't throw in text messages if you're a good driver you signal regularly you know you you look over your shoulder i got it then hey man it's the worst thing you've done while driving hit a cyclist i hit a cycle oh i mean like what resulted from it uh like last time i crashed bart's car like three days ago i wasn't on my phone where were you where were you bart's like you did he was asleep you can see it what were you and i ████ scraped his motorcycle oh on the same day and you know what oh good so now i can try riding your
7:43 motorcycle it won't feel bad because i always wanted to ride a motorcycle i never get in got into an accident that was that was my fault on the road all right and i've been doing a lot of dangerous riding doing donuts all this stuff right knock on wood yeah but here large piece of birch in here most of my uh fender benders and things have been when i'm going extremely slow and maneuvering my car so i was moving his truck his truck is ████ massive he drives like a semi truck that's the leading race that has hit you the leading race that has hit me they look they look like us dude probably mexican oh insane yeah that means they ran away too they're trying to run away from that one time there was an old uh mexican man he was he was he was ahead of me and it was at a red light and all he does is start he backs up into me and you're like ha ha stop and i'm like was it soft
8:34 it's hard he kind of hit me hard and i was like i pulled over and i was like hey man like what were you doing like he's at first we checked for okay he was like yeah he was born in his 30s he was in 1930 he was born but he was like oh i was trying to get to the ralph he's like a hundred we're right here he pulled back this is a couple years ago he's actually 90. eddie he was trying to back up into me to go to the ralphs and that's what happened so he backed up oh so he wasn't trying to fraud you no he just was like oh i thought i could do this but it's like hey man we're at a red light yeah like there is someone behind you there's a bunch of cars behind you it's a high traffic area yeah sounds like you let him slide he and i didn't nothing happened i didn't i didn't like wow you're the reason you're the reason we're getting walked all over probably um i let that guy let go
9:25 wow so one time um i was at a parked at a bank and then this mexican dude rear-ended me right and then i got out of the car and he goes do you even have insurance and i'm all like come on dude that's like the reverse i had a similar thing where a white dude and he's the one that hit me i was parked i got hit by somebody at a light they hit me on the side so my car the back end of my car kind of like spun out oh ████ and i pulled i like drove into a carl's jr kind of like my i went into the parking lot but i went over the grass and the same thing old white man i get out of the car this is when i had my mohawk he's like goddamn puerto ricans and he goes you even have insurance and i threw my insurance card at him you're like yeah like totally i was like whatever it did i was like you're still using paper i got on my phone ████
10:16 you threw your phone at him no i threw i threw the piece of paper that i had because i knew i had it on my phone so i could be a tough guy what did he do afterwards he was like oh we have the same insurance company that's what he said after like mildly trying to like racially intimidate me we're mercury bros mercury it's just a big ad and i was like and that that disarmed me because he became so gentle and nice i think he just thought i was just like some ████ hooligan but was he was a white dude yeah just an older white guy he came aggressive to me first people he's like you got insurance and i'm like yeah i found that like older white guys are really good at flipping after they realize that the situation really is dude there's this white ████ come at you really hard and then they just get cool we were driving like this
11:07 i was i guess in her blind spot and she and no i i was ahead because her i had a are you about to realize it was your fault i was like wait no actually no we were driving like this she merges and hits the back end of my car and she gets out i was like what were you doing that's what she says to me i was like ████ you were the one emerging i was driving straight you were trying to get in my lane and you still hit me i was ahead of you like how does this happen and she was so ████ rude to me but nothing ever happened out of that did you change the chairs i love all your cars did her insurance company cover your costs uh nothing really happened like it was like a small script like scrape and i just buffed it out i just buffed it out it was like that's the mind-blowing ████ is people hit you and they go what the ████ idiot and i'm like i was stopped yeah that's but that's all that's all road rage stopped at a red
11:58 light i saw somebody back into a garbage can that was bolted into the ground and that was ████ hilarious did they get mad at the garbage can why are you there because they thought they backed into a car because it was in a parking lot because we were at like griffith this observatory and so at the bottom parking lot like one of the garbage cans is bolted to the ground and i saw this dude just go and just bang and like hit it in the garbage can did not ████ wow because it was one of those garbage cans that was in a like a rock mold you know what i'm talking about right that's like speckled with the small part and so like the garbage cans like inside of it and that's also it looks like a radioactive garbage like it was like the oohs like they dumped on the ninja turtles and they're like yeah i just put this garbage can right here and then i started doing this guy he rolls his window he's like what the ████ and he like turns around and look and there's nobody in there what did he
12:49 think was gonna happen do we have an insurance garbage can because of the force he backed into it like he didn't see the he didn't see the trash can no because he was like in this big pickup truck so he was probably just in his blind zone so he thought he hit like a stinky smart car he was the autopilot yeah that's ████ funny me and my sister were there now we couldn't stop like bro it's literally a trash can yeah you freaking idiot look over your shoulder ████ what's the matter with you that's hilarious [Music] you
// end of tape