0:00 when white nice white people with clipboards they make you feel comfortable you start getting emotional and ████ they're like are you okay it's fine don't worry about it because um [Laughter] [Music] so uh yeah there's this uh there's this attorney right it's in Florida he likes motorcycles okay and he likes motorcycles almost as much as he likes his right and freedom of choice so when they're like You Gotta Wear a Helmet to ride a motorcycle he's like no no no no no no no no you are impeding on my free rice as a human so he's like I'm gonna use my ████ skills and my knowledge to fight this ████ and he ████ puts down a strong fight and he actually wins as an attorney and overturns the need and the lawful right
0:52 or need to wear a helmet riding a motorcycle I already know how he sounds some ████ let me tell you something about my ride and then him and his chick getting to a motorcycle accident God and ████ die that's hey that's his ████ right that was his right that was his right it's his right to die that guy's in a motorcycle right now [Music] yeah but it was my right to kill myself that's a patriot let me tell you something when I hear that story I don't cry I don't ████ look down I salute the goddamn bit for doing that it was you're trying to kill yourself his name was Ron Smith he was an
1:42 aggressive advocate for overturning the law of course what state was this this is in Florida of course it's Florida hey let him Rock bro Freedom Florida because because the same the helmets to protect the rider dude right and if you get hit and you fall yeah do I look like ████ queer Ron Smith would have said that [Music] it was just like Mr Smith here we have the right to leave well let's go ████ he's like your honor how can I hello my beautiful hair in the wind with a helmet plank about it think about think about it would I Look to You
2:32 Queer I look queer to you Mr judge man let me tell you something right now it starts with the helmet and then they're gonna control us with Twitter and all that ████ hell now we gotta be free Freedom it's like you're right take the goddamn helmet off it's like the simplest ████ banana peel bro did you read this article how do you know it worked for work this is exactly what happened I'm pretty sure what happened stenographer is like oh my God this guy's a ████ wish this guy's a legend I'm putting that condom tip in my hair excuse me sir how do you spell clear yeah every time I put the helmet on it looks like a penis and I ain't a ████ penis Americans the judge I don't know how to
3:22 respond to that uh yeah you're right you're not a penis you're right you're our Human Action scratch it so that's right that's just great granted I don't know what they say yes I don't even know what a judge says access granted is that what they say I don't know ████ porn site let me figure this out hold on let me figure it out like a meeting adjourned dude what is the word that they say and then they hit the thing I don't know and
4:12 we're ending it yeah and we're adjourned maybe Court dismissed I don't know of course oh yeah Court dismissed and then right all the other ones are funnier permission granted access granted up and sesame like he had the cheat code he's not wearing helmets dude that's ████ gnarly that he died of a little ████ motorcycle accident but she was so dangerous though that's the only thing that keeps you safe it's not just him it's him and his girlfriend that that how old was he and I picture the girlfriend was like but I like the helmet you watch your ████ mouth I said you better what the ████ I wear that's nothing she was age 66 and his uh girlfriend I don't know but he had a good run he had a good run he had a good
5:02 ride you gotta he had a hell of a ride you know they were headed to a memorial service actually when they were on that ride for another biker who had died of cancer no and then Smith crashed the bike as he tried to slow for traffic ahead of him both he and his girlfriend were killed neither wearing a helmet and it was by way of the coroner they were had drama death has head trauma yeah life was like I'm really gonna write this ████ here we go ████ well dude that's how many people ride motorcycles and they crash anyway and they get ████ up with the helmet on oh yeah dude I went to the hospital because I cut myself and my finger like a ████ ass cut but my I was like oh my God you know I reacted like I was cutting a bagel and I could oh and I did the whole freaking out went to the hospital it's serrated too that's just a towel too and it was like little drops dude the whole towel was like big and it's a little ████ dropped but I
5:53 was like I think I see something I think I need stitches like and I'm trying I'm scaring I think I'm gay oh yeah coming sorry come inside please [Laughter] and they ████ dip my hand in that thing and then ████ ████ had x-ray ████ no it was it was uh uh um whatever it's called but the ████ iodine iodine I didn't I dying them like this and I look like a pedicure I was just like oh my gosh like I have the scariest thing everybody was sitting down she's like what'd it say I just I don't know one minute you're cutting up and they're all speaking Vietnamese oh my God how's your day going the guy in front of me and ████ he had his ████ all scratched up he's like oh I ████ fell off my motorcycle I got a motorcycle accident and I was like oh I was like really how's it look and then
6:44 he ████ just bone bone imagine if he said like you want some iodine and his fingers like his I can see his finger so this the bone went straight and the fingers just shriveled up like a little ████ uncircumcised penis like just like all shriveled up right here and I can see the nail all these fingers and I'm like oh ████ he's like yeah dude I ████ this guy turn and he ████ hit him and I flew into my hands went ████ first what if he goes instead he goes Bagels am I right ████ Bagels ████ Bagels but he just went like that he's like yeah and then he looked there like a ████ man he's like yeah that's all he needed to say and he was a ████ Madness yeah he's just like ████ I want to get out of here so I can get ready right get ready to ride and I'm just like
7:36 I'm just like looking at my little finger and ████ didn't even Stitch me off they just put a banded like a butterfly Bandit and I was telling them no I think any stitches they're like you don't need ████ sticks that ████ black lady was Matt you need you can go now ████ did they ever ask you like on a scale of one to ten ten being the worst like how much I said 11 because just mental drama that I'm getting from there can never cut a bagel again that means such a ████ about it dude I ████ was so mad at myself afterwards I'm like especially the ████ the hospital bill I'm like really how long did you wait for the year you probably could have just wrapped it up yeah and then I waited like ████ five hours right for some ████ little thing where I just could have went home and put a bandit on myself I was being such a ████ about it but the lesson you know they planted that really masculinity right there and they could never go to the hospital yeah dude I was always that
8:27 token guy there yeah but let me tell you in a moment I was sure my life was over I was like and I did because if I had I'm like I killed I like I ████ sliced a vein something happened it's gonna get infected I don't know I think I got a gay cut I don't know what happened yeah I don't know what's going on he's gonna die now I just feel like what the ████ is this it was I thought I saw bone but it was just like tissue Bagels you know get a bagel slicer you don't even want to know how the ████ oh to it you want to know what the ████ happened what happened nah because it sounds like some ████ I'm not saying it doesn't sound great you're not gonna believe what happened all right so is that a bagel it was a bagel okay no it was a bagel but it was
9:18 a Cocker Bagel dude so so this is what happened dude it was like uh I'm doing stand up and then I started Living with another comic it was like a known comic like it's Jeff Garcia I don't know if you guys know he is but he's his voice over work and stuff and he started like he got the sitcom that was called Mr Box Office or something like that and it was like uh ████ Vivica Fox was there that was the biggest name that I was like but a bunch of John Lovitz all these people were there and I go with him because you know I'm just like you know the driver I drove him over there so I'm over there and I'm ████ and I'm trying to like you know us or me at least I'm very like I don't want to you know blend I just want to blend in I don't want to cause attention I want to be like because I don't know if I'm allowed to be here and then they showed us the crafts uh table right where they have all the the toast and ████ so I'm getting hungry and I'm like I'm gonna get a bagel and I'm trying to be calm and Vivica Fox is
10:09 right here talking to me and I ████ slice and I'm talking to her because I'm nervous and I'm like here so you're you know you're an actor and look at a nice slice he's like oh my God baby baby you cut yourself and I just ████ felt the cut and I started bleeding and I'm like oh ████ and then she's just like oh my God baby baby let me see it and I'm like no no it's fine it's like I'm dripping on the bagels I'm making the biggest scene because he like the guy told me like dude just chill just blend it in you know I'm the crafty dude ████ scene with the ████ bagels and I'm dripping and I'm just like oh ████ it's fine it's fine because I really went deep you know and then the people came in like and now they're asking who are you getting here like who brought you here and I'm like no um I know him when white nice white people are clipboards they make you feel comfortable you start getting emotional and ████ they're like are you okay it's fine don't worry about it because um
10:59 here's the thing I didn't try to cut the bagel I just like I slanged it and then it's the ████ night they were like making it a scene and they were just like here's the thing go to the hospital this and that and I'm like no I'm good I'm gonna go to the hospital and that's when I was like all right all right I'll go to the hospital and just make sure they called and they took me to the hospital and that there was the ones that kind of made it a bit Yeah because we were like because I was on Sand and like you know insurance and ████ so they make sure they got a guy to drive me over there so I went to the hospital and that's what happened but but yeah dude that's what really happened I made a big scene of mess it was so ████ embarrassing the next famous person who walks over to craft he's like oh yeah yeah
11:49 I come back like five hours later dude with the ████ thing raps I was the guy that lost all that blood ████ he turned on pale my little orange juice you need to give me the oranges and the crackers in the hospital like you donated [Laughter] [Music]
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