0:00 thank you [Music] welcome back to another amazing episode of the careful boys we have with us our guest Mr Anthony Lee don't do that what that's my ████ you can't steal my ████ I like introducing as a guest it feels cool oh thank you Anthony you ever been called after me I do get called Anthony by some people that's a tight name you like that name uh I'll let you know what about me I have been called that by the entire like Boy Scout Troop that I was a part of and uh it's a little bit of PTSD what's mean no well it's also my last name is Lee so it's it's like eat a bowl of noodles yeah a cup of noodles yeah that's even it's wordplay oh that's where it started Vietnamese yeah and then we made some noodles so ████ all y'all okay can you
0:50 bleep that thing no here's a very popular question that I have heard asked before um and we're gonna have some varying answers so it'll be good all right if your parents are constantly fighting is it wrong to tell them to get a divorce um I encourage my mom to get a divorce you actually told her to yeah how did you say that um well it was it made more sense in my situation because he's already left the house oh so he basically his um last I guess the last agreement or what they talked about is like you know I think I need to um go out move out and then like you know whatever like whatever ████ he told her like I need to go out find myself whatever I don't know what it was exactly and then I was like what are you doing
1:40 waiting for him oh we're pretty much just this is the family and it's been like two three years and I'm like we don't need to keep this big four three bedroom house we can move into an apartment throw away all his ████ get a divorce you know if he's not giving you any money like get child support I think I was 14 at the time wow so I was like smart guy yeah and I wanted to move to Monterey Park because I thought that like um my career and gang life here might be a little bit better than Gardena I was thinking about the future you're right when you said that to her was did it feel like an obvious answer like it you didn't struggle with admitting that that that's how you felt did it feel very like oh yeah it's a no-brainer you should totally leave him no at this point I hated him so much that like I wanted to like finalize like
2:33 so many things and then I think two years after that I got this tattoo to show my mom like hey like I'm a ████ jitsukawa like I'm not his you know yeah like this is how ████ serious I am that's gangster but also I really wanted a tattoo and I wanted like a cool way to do it great excuse yeah ████ you Dad but also joke's on me because my real last name would have been Ito what do you mean my grandma and my mom kept jitsukawa which is my mom's father's name right but they had a divorce and I didn't know that my grandma never changed her name after divorce but my grandma's last name is Ito so I was like I want to honor grandma and I'm like that's her name jitsukawa but no one told me they had a divorce wow so when you showed your mom the tattoo she went
3:25 would you rather like wrong last name or like fear everyone [Laughter] name's kind of cool right it's cooler than Ito because Ito is pretty common it is so when I got it um I mean I I wanted to tell my mom like let's be jitsukawas because you're carrying his name divorce him let's both like she changed her name too she changed her name back well no now she has a uh she actually kept I think she kept it and she remarried so it's like a combination thingy but it's very modern for women her age to like have keep her last name plus that um yeah so I uh but she was like my relationship with my father was amazing so she's like it's cool like it's still our family so I was like okay anybody else think it's right or wrong
4:16 to suggest that to your parents I didn't have a choice so my parents they just got divorced when I was six so I didn't really have a choice um they were fighting like crazy but it was also I was also a young age where I don't remember like I remember a couple of the really really big ones like where my dad storms out of the house or he like threw an Apple at the uh window and it shattered and I remember like me being ████ scared I'm like oh ████ what the ████ going on you know because I'm like five or six five or six I can only imagine like um because I could imagine if I like threw something at a window and it cracked but how tight it would feel you know oh yeah so like I think obviously as a kid you want them to stay together but also that's also like having a child's mind where 100 yeah yeah you're just like oh
5:06 I can't just just be like the way it is on TV or whatever you know not knowing that maybe they might not have been a good match or they're really toxic for each other or whatever so yeah it's hard to say but knowing how the story played out in my in my life where my Dad tried to rekindle everything and it's exactly the way that I thought it was gonna be where like my my dad's complained about my Mom and Mom's complaining about my dad on my ████ news was gonna happen um I think it was actually good that they separated for those like 20 30 years because at least we're able to kind of just focus on themselves and not have this like like toxic like tumultuous relationship that they have to deal with each other you know are all your parents together Yes mine are yeah mine are technically
5:56 together but they're not like they shouldn't they're separated oh my dad doesn't even live in the area so they're like not divorced on paper but they live like they're separated right yeah yeah and I feel like that's the best thing to do and it was it wasn't for taxes yeah probably uh and just for like you know so that way my mom can still get taken care of and like he still you know helps my mom with stuff too but it's at a point where it was um like growing up we always would see them like fighting all the time and they probably didn't have the best model for a relationship you know like I'd always hear from those weirdo I would always hear I would always hear like you know my my mom not complain but just like vent to us about like Dad growing up right well why did she protect you from that she just complained about him I think she just didn't know how to handle it like she
6:46 just didn't know like she was kind of on an island and all she really had were her kids you know because she came all the way from a different country you know so we were and I think she was just like in a not in the best state of mind like it just wasn't really she was unhappy with a lot of things [Music] um and my dad was just kind of like I think they just didn't know how to communicate with each other you know so seeing how they grew seeing that growing up I was always just like huh my I would hear other stories about my other buddies parents and kind of see how they interact and I was like oh that's not like my parents you know and then as I got older I realized like yeah they probably shouldn't be together especially once I started entering my own relationship with uh with my lady and obviously you know our relationship wasn't like I just remembered going into our relationship like oh yeah we should
7:36 communicate with each other and like tell us tell each other how we feel about things you know so we do learn huh yeah just like through through just model of my parents um and then as I got older I started to realize here for my dad his point of view of what he thought of my mom and vice versa so who's the more right one um I think they're both wrong equally in a lot of ways interesting I think you know if they just were a little bit more empathetic to each other and kind of saw each other's side a little bit more they probably could have met a common ground but it's just a lack of communication over the years I think it was just like the damage was done right the resentment was done and it's to the point where I'm like I don't know if you guys have come back from this so as they got older and I would see them once they separated how much happier they were without each
8:27 other um and how much they could kind of live their life without each other and I go yeah this is probably the best thing they can do so as an adult in my later years I'm like especially more recently I'm like yeah this is probably the best choice and even when they're together especially recently I was like dude this is there's no way no way absolutely no way like it's just and when I found out how they got together in the first place I was like oh you guys kind of did rush into it and I don't think it's necessarily their fault it's just more of like just the sign of the times yeah of like the pressure of getting married how do they rush into it well it's like they didn't really know each other that long and my dad is kind of one of those guys that I don't want to say he's impulsive but he's just Fool's rushed in let's do this let's go well maybe they're in love at
9:17 the moment for sure but even then my mom was hesitant at the time and I think my mom is a little probably more cautious naturally yeah and a little bit more like reserved as far as like how she wants to move forward with things and my dad has always been like yeah let's do this is a good idea let's go he's always kind of like he's always been like that as far as personalities was so seeing how my mama told me that when he asked her to marry to get married she was like um I don't know let me think about it I think she and then it was more of like there was like other factors that came into play and then when she came to the states the early issues that they had with each other were being solved by from this one from my mom's point of view of her being like sent back home or like like I don't know how to deal with this distance you
10:08 go do this I'll go over here so yeah it's and I think over time it just was not the best way to go about it but you know it's just that's I guess the the cost of when you rush into a situation or you learn on the go and you're not really talking certain things out but that's just part of it I guess you know yeah would you encourage them to get a divorce I don't know or do you think papers and ████ honestly like I don't know if it's in the right place because I think there's they have valid reasons to want a divorce and then battle reasons to not want to divorce oh wow I I think it's at a place now where it's like okay well if my dad is willing to be like I'm out of here I'll just you do you live your life all of my life over here and I'll just do my thing and if he's okay with doing
10:59 that and my mom was okay with doing that and they kind of did agree on that for the most part without like kind of talking which is kind of crazy but I think it's just yeah that's probably the best way for now I don't know down the line but that also means it's salvageable yeah it could be and that's the other thing too is like maybe they can't come together later in their life but it's um they're just so much resent resentment maybe they both can take some better help and honestly that's probably what they need counseling couple have they ever gone to therapy together no I don't think so do Asian parents even do that no I think you think it's like uh they're gonna go there but like why are you not a real doctor see that's the thing too man like that's the thing like my dad is pretty Americanized right like he's when you hear him talk people think he's like a white dude or a black dude on the phone like or a black yeah it's either
11:50 or it's interesting so he's just a southern man yeah yeah but but as far as like I don't know he's I think they're just both kind of stubborn you know what I mean and it's just um make a ride yeah I think pride is a thing right just it's yeah it's tough man it's hard to navigate that stuff because I don't know what the right thing to kind of say or do is but I just try to when they're talking about each other I try to just say okay let's try to like be empathetic trying to listen easy yeah like just try to hear him out a little bit try not to you know or I just try to give them opposing views like what if you look at the situation this way like you know but that's probably the only thing I can offer you never say shut up up no I try not to I wish no but even then it's just like it's just hard it's just hard because I understand where they're all coming from that's nice you
12:42 just gotta like try to I don't maybe be Peacemaker is not the right thing to do but it's it's what I think is right in the situation at least yeah I could also Imagine like based off of you know what BART was saying too especially I remember my my parents um they would fight from time to time but it's not like my dad would never put hands on my mom or anything so never like escalated anywhere but I do remember sometimes my Mom would make weird ass like comments in her bitterness and just be like me and your dad are fighting and we might get a divorce is that what you want you know just like say stuff like that which is like putting it on you just emotional you know what I mean and just maybe do you want that I'm ████ up and that's what she's saying as like oh it's just bleeding out you know what I'm saying oh wow but I do remember at that time not being able to comprehend at all what the ████ you're talking I've never been in a relationship with my life I'm a child like how can I weigh in on this yeah was this at the laundromat yeah it was at the dry cleaner damn drama cleaners as
13:32 long yeah it's very different um but you know it's it's one of those things where uh like I could maybe see that you know if you were a child and your parents were in an abusive relationship and you wouldn't have to understand things like romance understand like hey you should get a divorce like this is not good for you this is like unhealthy in a number of ways but like you know if it's an emotional thing and there's complexities like as a kid there is a part of you that feels like it's not really your place because you don't ████ get it yeah yeah you don't know half of what's going on maybe when you become an adult like you know after a bar you know like had his own kid and he could put things after like 20 30 years together it's like no you shouldn't do this I think this is going to be wrong because you have like come to an understanding you've been in relationships you're married yourself and you understand concepts of marriage you understand like what it could mean because you have a child like there's yeah there's like wisdom and experience
14:23 there then maybe you could have a certain type of Vote or or say so to speak or wisdom but uh even hearing Nick talk about the complexity of his family it's like oh man like yeah that's got to be hard there's got to be so many factors and things that are like so complicated you know divorce doesn't necessarily like solve everything no there's a whole new set of problems yeah especially if the the individuals don't have like uh their eyes set on a particular future whether it's like finding new romance and a relationship or or certain type of like clear freedom and boundaries or even if you wanted that but you felt a guilt because of like the family you created and the children you know what I'm saying like there's a whole set of things that I have I have no wisdom in that it would be difficult to speak about you know that I feel like kids just want to be like why can't we just be like happy and ████
15:13 yeah I just want to be a kid like let's go to Disneyland and play together you know what's crazy about my parents um for the longest time growing up they used to fight a lot and I used to always tell my mom like oh dude you got a divorce and you gotta divorce them because I could see why that she doesn't want to be with him and this this is like his second wife too and oh he's had he's already like yeah strike two yeah and so growing up I was like dude why are they still together you know and I didn't get why I don't understand and and my mom would always cry and like tell me about oh are you not that tight with your death I'm actually really close to my dad but but the crazy thing you can still see his ████ or something oh it's his fault for what reason they were fighting it's pretty complex because he was a great father but a terrible husband like in the beginning yeah up there I guess when
16:05 they had us like it was super stressful whatever so I can see why they would argue about stuff and over the years I was like I never understood why my mom stayed with my dad you're like it kind of actually ended up being like a happy ending and I feel kind of lucky that my mom decided to stay with him because what ended up happening was she basically forgave him uh did for everything that he's ever done for her and then from there on like somehow um I just noticed their relationship change over time like you wouldn't think people would change but if I saw I saw them change go from like crazy like you know not super violent but like crazy arguments to like slowly trying to understand each other and then um even to this day now like I live with both of them and dude they're like super
16:56 chill wow wow my dad's completely changed person my mom's like way more understanding and I was like holy ████ I'm kind of glad they didn't get a divorce even though at the time I felt like that was the right thing but her staying with him at actually ended up being the right thing in the end but you never hear about that though because most people go divorce is the right thing if you guys are arguing or whatever but then you never know what's gonna happen if you actually stay to the end yeah that's true you know what's a weird feeling about that too um obviously when I was like uh still living with my parents there would definitely be times where I think like my parents ████ crazy you know what I mean like my dad's just always angry ████ Asian dad never ████ gives any type of like emotion whatever you know what I mean my mom is just like cuckoo you know and then it's like same thing I'm like dude they're Never
17:46 Gonna Change they're like this type of parents to me yeah and then I get out of the house and then I mature or something like that or maybe they change or after my mom's gone through menopause or something there is a change you know what I mean the relationship's different yeah yeah and then I started thinking of myself I'm like man was I the problem you know what I mean like be honest not that you were the exact problem but I think like people's patience has a certain bandwidth yeah so if they got work stress they got relationship stress now they got kid stress they're probably just taking ████ out everywhere yeah the minute like kids are older or whatever they're like oh ████ like I'm trying to breathe and maybe that helped out do you know what I think about all the time too is like nowadays in our like Generations you hear so much like people talking about mental health talking about how to
18:38 be conscious yeah being mindful like like you hear all these these phrases that you didn't really hear about growing up no not at all but then you think about like the resources that we have now when it comes like how open therapy is and how open counseling is and all these Concepts that are being talked about in these these spaces it's like our parents had none of that ████ that's why some of them stay stupid and stubborn yeah if they don't have the tools to break out of that mindset but it but it's crazy because like talking about what can was like picking back off that like I am starting to see like little pockets of my parents changing in ways that I never thought would be possible you know like for instance my dad dude like his ████ road rage would be crazy to the point where I was like this ████ is gonna get shot one day like the way what do you do oh bro just ████ anything you can think of like being on people's bumpers like
19:28 just crazy ████ to the point where like he's actually got beaten up in front of my sisters when they were like little kids yeah crazy my sister's not a funny story but like I've seen my dad flip out like chase people down like just just wild out bro like just crazy ████ but then now I see him as an adult like yeah man you know I'm not as an adult but as an older man like him driving slow like like that's that I'm like oh my god like people games change how drastic it was like the contrast of how this ████ would drive and I Dro I drove in the car with him recently and I was like oh my God who the ████ is this dude he's all like perfectly driving and he's like doing hand signals when he goes oh ████ nah dude I think him driving in Taiwan for a while kind of changed how he like does things because he's like man like and he was telling me that like I think an incident happened in Taiwan and I
20:21 think it really scared him because he got beat up I think I think I forgot what the detail was but it wasn't that he got beat up but he was close to being like like threatened and he was like all right I gotta like and chill out like he he messed with the wrong guy and it was it was the United bamboos no I think I think it was something like gangster types and then they busted out a machete and say you wanna ████ today oh ████ man bring it on sound guy let me have my boot mic oh a man we can huh that's why I think you shouldn't have as a guy you shouldn't have kids until you get to that stage of your manliness yeah but what if I want to leave it inside can what if I want to leave it inside man I want to feel what that feels like that's not oh that's the dilemma I like that you're asking can what should I do
21:13 can't cream pie I mean I'm really happy that like me and Jill plant and I know a lot of our parents didn't really plan they're just like just ████ kind of they're just horny yeah there's hornies that have kids I'm happy that we planned the way we wanted to have kids like where we wanted to be mentally where we want to be financially and all that so like now like um Taiko will like ask Mom about something doesn't get the answer he wants like he'll come to me oh can I have whatever I'm like me and your mom on the same team dude you know and so like he'll he'll never ever see us fight and he'll know that we're on the same team and that we will never vent about the other person in front of him yeah that's that's so ████ up that's super important yeah yeah definitely I'm gonna do the opposite of those things your mom's a ████
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