0:00 What's the worst most Asian whipping you ever got? >> I think I have it remembered uh incorrectly because I can't believe my dad would beat the ████ out of me for this, but it started off with my dad picking me up. So my dad, my parents are divorced, right? So my mom on Tuesdays, my mom would take me to school Tuesday uh and Tuesday afternoon, my dad would be picking me up, but they would kind of correspond as to like what kind of stuff I brought to school because I always lose ████ all the time. So my mom tells me when you pick him up, make sure he has like this jacket is whatever. Whatever. This time I remember my dad going like, "Where's the Tupperware that you had your dumplings with?" And I was like, >> "This sounds Asian as f███." >> And I was like I was like, "Oh ████ I don't know. I can't find it." And then he starts beating my ass at school and then he takes me and drags me into this is the the Christian school. He takes me into the bathroom, kicks me. I fly into
0:52 the ████ tile wall, starts socking me, beating the ████ out of me, and then I remember the secretary comes in. Her name was Mrs. Mason. And then she's like, "What's going on?" And then uh he's like, "I'm on a call at child services, whatever." So he grabs me by my hair or my ear, pulls me into his pickup truck, beats the ████ out of me while he's driving me uh taking me home. As soon as we get out of the car, I get so ████ scared. So, I run straight into the master bedroom into my mom's uh bathroom. I lock the door and he's like, "Dude, just open this up. I'm going to ████ kick your ass." And I was like, "Oh s███." It's like you big kicking my [laughter] ass. >> I know. And you know when you're And you know when you're like so ████ scared and the noise is so loud, >> it's like it's it's like uh counterintuitive cuz you're actually safe for once, >> but it's so ████ scary. You're like,
1:42 "Okay." So you open the door and you go out. >> Keeps whooping my ass. I run all the way into the backyard and then the side alley of the house. As I was running, I remember he grabbed I had a wooden baseball bat that I was just playing with. He grabbed it and he threw it. Went boom boom boom boom boom. ████ hit me in the leg. >> I fell on the ground and I was like, "Oh s███." And I could see him like running behind me. I keep running and then I exit the side alley and I immediately made a left turn into my neighbor's bushes cuz I figured if I hid close, he wouldn't be able to find me versus running far. >> So he goes into the driveway of our house. He looks up and down the street and he couldn't see me and he was like, "What the f███?" So I see him pulling into his car and I'm still in that bush right next door and he's just driving slowly like up looking up and down looking for me >> hiding all the time from clocks to
2:32 bushes to trash. [laughter] >> He's like first blood >> and he's just like he's just like I have I like that in his head he's like I have not kicked this kid's ass enough yet. [laughter] >> I'm out of threats. I'm already doing the thing. >> How can I keep kicking this kid's ass? And I just go like, >> "Is it are those dumplings that important?" Like, "What the f███?" >> Or the tuppware. But it's got to be something else, though. It's got to be. >> Yeah. He's probably kicking your ass cuz you're running away. >> But at school, that's crazy. Like the ass being started at school. >> Is he telling you to stop running away or does he kind of like it? >> No, he's of course I'm like, "Stop running. Get the f███." >> Imagine he's like, "You got 5 seconds. Go." >> Right. It sounds like the Jason movie where he's just slowly stalking the hallways while you're running ahead of him. But it's crazy that like whatever I did, it was so crazy it had to start at school. >> Okay, to be fair, I don't think Bart's allowed to start with his ass whipping
3:23 stories if everybody's supposed to share ass whipping stories. I feel like that was just fullon child services should have been called domestic violence as like an example. They should like show ████ documentaries about this like in schooling. >> Dude, I got one where it wasn't me that got my ass beat, but it was ████ crazy, right? And it's kind of funny, too. So, um, [clears throat] my buddy's family, like they had this whole block, like their grandparents, like they had this lot where it was like the house here and the house here on the other side of the block connected and they were doing construction. So, there was hella like shovels and ████ And [snorts] at the time, his dad had like boats and ████ cars. And so, for one of the cars, for some reason, man, us being kids, we popped the trunk and we started loading it up with dirt. [laughter] That's tight.
4:14 I can see the I can see the draw in that. [laughter] That's ████ awesome cuz we wanted to see how much dirt the ████ trunk can pack. >> Did you at least put a trash bag down or something? >> No. >> Oh my god. >> We're like I don't know like third fourth graders like ████ ████ right? >> Yeah. >> So, >> oh man. We're just like we're just ████ filling that and we're pretending to be construction guys cuz we're copying the guys that are like building on the lot. They're not there. It's empty. It's just us two just ████ loading it up. Just loading it up, right? [laughter] And like his dad was like a young single dad. Like he there's I I don't know. I never saw his mom around. He was one of those dudes that were like Japanese guy fishing all the time. young dad, major smoker, alcoholic, right? And he was one
5:05 of the funnest dads. Those alcoholic dads are fun cuz they'll take you fishing and leave you the ████ alone, right? So, uh, but he was hotheaded, though. And I [snorts] remember just screaming all the time and I was terrified of him. So, like we would be ████ throwing the dirt up and then he comes outside and all I HEAR IS, "WHAT THE F███?" AND then my [laughter] friend, he looks at me, HE GOES, "RUN." [screaming] AH. AH. AND THEN WE JUST START ████ bouncing, right? And then the whole time his dad's just ████ chasing us and we're going around. He's get the ████ over here. Get over here. Get over here. And I'm just like, "Oh my god." And my heart's like beating cuz my dad he'll beat my ass, but he doesn't scream like that. Uh [laughter] like like very little. Like it's more like he's like a ninja. >> He's more gentle parenting. >> He's a gentle he's a gentle abuser, you know, like
5:55 assassin. Silent assassin. >> He doesn't strain his voice. I prefer that like cuz he's an opera singer. >> Yeah. He can't afford to scream. He's I'm not going to use it on you. [laughter] >> Or he's like, "Come here." You know, like >> No, he's for him. I'm used to just like I rather have it quick and like smack me and then that's it. >> Oh yeah. >> You know, like he's even silent when he beats me. He doesn't say anything. But this whole yelling I'm not used to like get off red face ████ smelling like alcohol. We're just ████ running and then I don't know where to go because I'm just scared. So, we're just going in a loop >> and then he catches my friend, starts ████ whooping him and I'm just going, "Oh my god." I could have ran home, but I'm just standing there watching and I'm like, "Oh my god, I'm going to be next." >> He doesn't ████ touch me >> cuz I'm not his kid.
6:46 >> Yeah. Yeah. >> But he goes and he goes like, "I'm going to tell your mom like, "What are you doing? You need to clean this up." And then, you know, 2 minutes in, it registers that I can run home. [snorts] But the whole time me and him were running around the house over and over and [laughter] over until the dad finally >> doing laps on the perimeter. >> I thought he was going to kick my ass. >> Okay. >> Of course. Why wouldn't you think that? >> You don't know if he's chasing you. >> I've had my ass kicked by other people's >> dad. Just be Yeah, especially at church. >> Yeah, especially at church. >> Church that everybody kick your ass. He just kept bat b and my dumb ass froze and I was like I'M NEXT. [laughter] I'M NEXT. >> YOU JUST [screaming] WAITED FOR TURN. >> YEAH. And I'm just watching him and I'm like, "No." And then he kept yelling at me and I was like, "Oh, I could go home." And I ████ booked it. >> And did you actually call your mom? >> Yeah. I mean, >> oh ████ >> He was at that point. He's not going to
7:38 come at it. Like he's probably like chilled and he's kind like they talked and ████ and my parents were like, "Dude, why did you do that?" Like what's wrong with you? [laughter] I didn't get my ass beat though. He's like, "You don't you don't work there." >> Well, you know, you know that >> Well, you know, you know that that feeling for some reason as a kid where you just want to like you see an empty space and you just want to put stuff in it. >> Heck yeah, dude. It's instinct. >> I had that feeling too in a maybe a really bad way. >> Um, so at the dry cleaners, we had a shop vac in the one bathroom that we have >> and for some reason at [laughter] this age as a kid, ████ Um, uh, I, you know, when I had to go to the bathroom, I remember one time I was taking ████ and I looked at the shop back and I just got this feeling that I was like, "Yo, I should I should just piss in the, uh, the hose. >> It's a wet dry shop back."
8:28 >> Yeah, it's like a wet jack. So then, you know, and it's on the thing. So, I just pissed in it and then now my pee is just in the hose. And I thought to myself, I was like, "Huh?" And then that was it, right? And then so I think I think it was like 2 3 days we didn't use a shop back and every time I went to pee I added to the hose. >> Oh my god. >> I know. And then it got it got really full one time that it uh when I was there I was peeing on it and it fell off the holder and so there's just an abundant amount of urine that just spilled all over the floor. >> All over the floor. Right. And I was I was freaking out and I didn't know what to do. Uh, and I was trying to clean and this was this happened to be the one moment where my mom starts like knocking on the door >> and then she catches me and then there's just a bunch of pee on the floor. So, she didn't No one in their right mind is going to think like why would you
9:18 consolidate a bunch of urine in the shop back. She just thought I peed on the floor like I just chose to just shoot all over. >> 4 days worth of piss. >> Thought you peed like a ████ grown man. >> Yeah. And she was so confused but so pissed that after she made me clean up. There's this thing in Vietnamese called wiggoy where where you just basically have to be on your knees with your arms crossed but you can't sit on your heels. You have to be upright on your knees. >> Do you kneel on the piss? >> No. She made me do it on on the bathroom floor. And then she was so angry because that's already a normal punishment. I probably had to do that like twice a week anyway. She didn't know how to ex like ex extreify it. So she grabbed a red chili pepper and then she shoved it in my mouth and ████ made me go like that and then so I was there and it was so spicy as a kid that all I could do cuz I couldn't move and I thought that there's no other moving so I just drooled and then the next time she came
10:09 in after I cleaned up a bunch of piss there was nothing but a pool of saliva drool there. She got pissed me again. Smack the ████ out [laughter] of me again. I thought it was the worst day ever and I was like, I don't deserve this. But I was like, I don't know why I peed in the ████ shop back two for like two, three days and collected it. >> Why did you just turn the shop back on and suck it back up? >> Why'd you put dirt in the ████ back of the trunk? You know what I mean? Like, >> yeah, I could have ran home, too, but I didn't run home. >> Kids just have itches they have to scratch. >> Peing into the shop vac hose is so freaking >> I guarantee you girls ain't doing ████ like this, though. >> No, we're stupid. Like I So my big thing, you know, you never forget when you get your spanking. It's like, "Oh, ████ man." And for me it was around Christmas time and I remember like we had these stockings that had like, you know, those little Christmas bells on them and ████ and I was like I I watched
11:01 s████████ of cartoons and I was like, "Dude, if I swallow this bell, am I going to be able to hear it if I jump?" You know what I mean? [laughter] You know, the ████ that stupid ████ little boys think. Low IQ ████ little ████ boys, right? And so I was like, "Okay, I'm going to swallow this bell." And I swallowed it and then I was like, "What the ████ I can't hear anything." And then I like hung off the edge on my couch on my back and I was like trying to shake and like hear the bell. Couldn't hear ████ And so finally like almost like I went to HR in a way like I went to my mom and I was like, "How come if I swallow a bell I can't ████ hear it or nothing like that." And my mom was like, "You did what, Stephen? You did what Stephen?" And I'm like, "I swallowed a bell so I could hear if if it jingles inside of me." And she said, "Oh my god, Stephen, you know WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? I can't believe you did this." And and so then my mom spanked me because >> trying to shoot the bell out of you. >> Yeah. And I And dude, it was ████ up
11:52 cuz >> that's the only thing that ought to do. >> While I was getting spanked, I was like, I can't even hear the bell right now. >> You know, you had these thoughts. >> What a ripoff. >> It Yeah. I was just like, I can't believe I can't even hear the bell while she's spanking me. >> While you're getting your ass beat. >> He's probably like, "Next time I need a bigger bell." It was just one of those little ones. It's like that jackass when he has a race car and an ████ right? >> Did you go to get a ████ X-ray, >> dude? That's really That's scary, man. He could have been really uh >> I know. That's what my mom was trying. She's like, I have to spank you right now because you could have died doing this. You >> And they just shout it out. >> Yeah. >> Did you hear it then? >> No. And but I was I was bummed and they hit the toilet. >> I was bummed because when I saw it, it didn't work anymore. >> Oh, >> it didn't work anymore. Okay. Sick. You guys ready to have a bunch of boys? ████ >> dude. Dude, we're so stupid.
12:43 >> I think I deserve getting ████ up.
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