0:00 [Music] did you guys hear about what happened on the i-95 in virginia no no that's your hometown baby they don't tell me ████ over there do you do you know the i-95 have you been on ████ i was kidding i lived there um so you don't know the idea do you know it that's a very california thing though isn't it to know where all the flowers are you don't have a personal connection with the freeway is that one of your favorite freeways it is not i've been to norfolk i don't know where no fork is i've heard of it though yeah you're right it looks like this well this is richmond this is written again oh nice that's what the map looks like thousands of people had a terrible experience getting trapped during a blizzard on interstate 95 stock so they just got stuck in their cars and then they're just waiting so much traffic you can't and there's so much snow that they couldn't exactly drive off the road so they're just stuck right stranded stuck
0:50 and then people are trapped there overnight people have to sleep in their cars everyone in the cold in the middle of the cold pitch black uh i don't think there were any deaths thank god huh yeah did they leave their car running because in a blizzard you got to keep warm yeah it's going to be cool there's all kinds of problems right um so somebody was uh coming into virginia from san francisco right and they didn't realize what the ████ was going on they get into an uber right headed for richmond and you're in an uber and they fell in love they fell in love with each other now they're married yeah that's surcharge what a movie dude running through the marriage too um they were stuck in an uber together they got stuck in an uber together how do you piss and ████ this person ends up getting home after nine hours and paid a 200 uber bill however uber then tacked on 400 in additional charges raising the total to 600 for an
1:42 uber trip is it because it was high traffic hours ████ up it was because it was high traffic hours hey ████ uber dude that's so wacky so ████ up dude it's a 5x surge that's right that's the blizzard you gotta be able to ████ appeal that right like he's trying he's trying but that's why it's in the news right it's probably like some tech malfunction ████ you know it's like i don't think a human did plane flight right and due to some natural disaster you're supposed to fly from like l.a to san francisco but then it had to like land in houston and then now they charge you double flights because you went all the way over there yeah you're like what the ████ that's not what i paid for no that's that's ████ i don't know what any context is that's ████ yeah that's rough right does it have to be 600 you know what i mean like that's a lot of money according to uber's website heavy traffic may cause your trip to take
2:32 longer than expected and to compensate your driver for the additional time your fare may change afterwards oh so it's already in there yeah so this cat's he's disputing the charge he's like i'm probably gonna get banned from uber but ████ it it'll be fine yeah i think that's now that's in the press it's so it's so it's so circumstantial though right that's like i i understand like the fine print on that on a ████ contract that's like you know traffic might happen something might happen blah blah you gotta compensate everybody's trying to win the you know the driver doesn't shouldn't get ████ either right but that's a ████ blizzard the driver had his phone on for the whole nine hours and they were being charged for the trip instead of ending the trip oh yeah yeah the driver is ████ up the trip didn't end though the driver has to deal with this ████ too oh driver's working too ████ ████ maga people ████ people were the wrong half of
3:22 that one i am mad at the driver but i think like uber uber can do something about it they're uber rich right ████ well but then also like there's the part where your humanity crosses over your job right like let's say you're a cop you get off shift at 5 00 p.m 6 p.m you're driving you see some crazy ████ happen you don't go well i'm off the clock so i'm not going to be a cop right now right cop does the cop goes looks like i'm about to get some tea no wrong hat wrong hat all right man hip hop cup gotta get some ot oh there you go triple hats right now because the uber guy i think like if you're like the minute it's a natural disaster you'd be like oh ████ man this is crazier than my job like let me turn this off yeah right or maybe he has no idea what would happen to the fee i think that's more likely he probably has no idea like
4:12 i don't know man because at that point it's like hey let's just stay alive let's just stay alive four hour mark and we're still there i would not turn it off because i'm trying to like be you know humanity and it's ideal i'd probably be like i'm gonna use my phone for others yeah and i'm assuming that app burns batteries yeah you know what i mean like there's a whole different circuit yeah they're plugged in bro all uber drivers are playing but if it's nine hours if it's nine hours and the car is off it's gotta burn batteries that's true that's what happened to a lot of people they all had to either turn their cars off or like try to leave them running to conserve fuel because some people were low on gas so it was a ████ situation wait i thought by keeping it on you keep the batteries running yeah but the gas will run out if you're low on gas you're ████ yeah so that's what people were dealing with also a lot of people didn't have food or water in the car i mean who does right what the ████ has food in there you guys don't know i got an emergency kit yes
5:03 i keep beef jerky and some granola bars on my car really yeah some water i don't know we don't really have blizzard problems here so i don't really keep we have earthquake problems though what about power outage or some ████ in the car we talking no no dude power outage is like affecting traffic so i'm saying like street street lights and all that ████ you could still drive away think because the weather element is like such like a force of nature that like really can stop everything yeah you know what i mean in other states yeah in other states i feel like maybe we're privileged enough to only have to deal with s█████ traffic all the time we also don't have roads like that like that i-95 or whatever there's nothing around like you get stuck like that in ████ the five oh ████ tacos we have earthquakes yeah earthquakes in l.a that could crack the ground yeah it could cause a whole huge sinkhole dude the frequency of like blizzards and snow like ████ like that is is very scary you
5:54 know it's all vegas has no natural disasters yeah we got no earthquakes no tornadoes no no every now and then the ████ luxor just erupts it's really a volcano and just light yeah the block is the splash band some geysers this is this for real no uh no natural it's just god forsaken ████ heat yeah yeah yeah say that to the ████ birds that fly over that like solar panel energy thing that just disintegrate that ████ shiny ass ████ area they feel no pain though they feel no pain yeah that's just ████ painking ducks in the middle of the air speaking ducks they're so crazy there's street vendors down there just trying to catch them and just put them on is this on sticks it's cheap uh so people are criticizing the governor saying that he should have
6:44 called the national guard but he was saying that the guard a lot of national guard people have day jobs so it's not just easy to just get them though he's like they can't get there they're free oh they're part-timers they're like sorry they're working at target right now like what the ████ do you expect they have to like assemble dude like it's a whole thing i'm surprised there were no uh dudes with lifted trucks coming to the rescue you know what i mean like i feel like virginia would have hella lifted in front of too much they're like ████ you guys look you guys don't like my truck nuts if you don't like me for my truck nuts they just drove by i'm surprised there's no there's like not a lot of guys with these hats where like with big ass trucks you know getting ready to save people why can't they do ████ for the prius is there's gonna go by roll call so like how did it get resolved did ████ did everybody just waited for it to melt or suit some people were just out there for 24 hours and uh yeah waiting for
7:35 them to dig get dug out there's a funny video where like the helicopter was filming it and then they were following this one guy they just for some reason zoomed in on this one random guy while they were giving the report and the guy was kind of walking around looking to shake his ████ and then he goes he opens both doors to his car and stands between it and then takes his dick out and he's about to like and they go that's epic epic yeah what else is he looking around for you ████ i know like he's looking for a place why are you following one guy why didn't he look up you gotta go you gotta go dude that's exactly what you do though when you're on the side of the road you're like all right yeah the first thing you can think of is where do i ████ everything melts and there's just a bunch of human feces and a bunch of puddles that's how they get out of the blizzard never forget we're my family was doing a family road trip where i was like 13 years old my little brother's like eight and uh we had to pull off the side of
8:26 the road he had to pee so bad it was crazy so he gets out of the car and he he runs off the side of the road right and he takes his dick out and we immediately just see his ████ head get hit with a stream of pee because he was taking his dick out but he had to go so bad he was already letting it go we were ████ dying dude no yeah he had pee all over his ████ forehead and ████ that is so selfish it was great that is one thing i hate like if you jump out of the car and you don't feel where the wind is going you have that's the first thing because you'll just immediately pee on yourself oh yeah yeah yeah we call him p head for so long he's like he's like he's a tender age too like eight years old so we're calling p head nonstop that's really traumatic until he's 22. yeah exactly it's a bad nickname to get at early age that's the funniest thing though when you go on like road trips like with your church or whatever and someone's got to
9:16 take a ████ and then it's like everyone s████ but it's just so funny when they can't hold it right i had to diarrhea next to the church one time because we were all outside doing outdoor activities and ████ thankfully it was night time but yeah i took a fat ████ outside of outside of a church we were on a road trip and then we had to uh this guy george had to take a ████ and then we started dying right and then they they pulled over because they kept trying to come just wait we're gonna get to a gas station you i can't so then they pulled over they gave him a roll of toilet paper he ████ ran into the forest took a ████ and then this guy was trying to swag his way back like walk back with the hand in the pocket with a toilet paper everyone was dying dude like why the ████ are you trying to look so cool on your way back the whole bus was like just watching his ass walk back like with his pants with his hand in his
10:06 pants holding the toilet paper and like ████ sway back and forth you know what i think actually happened he ████ himself yeah dude himself and then after that he's just like he's like yeah dude he's like man this van smells like ████ guys boy oh no i took one who's gonna fess up [Music] [Applause] [Music] you
// end of tape