0:00 All right, so you guys know how my mom spent 10 Gs trying to get me out of war. >> 10 Gs? >> Yeah, [snorts] that's how much money she spent. So, I joined the military in 2003, right? So, just for inflation, that's like 30 Gs right now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> inflation. [laughter] >> Damn. Um but this is 2003, so 2 years post 9/11. So, this is like everything's on the news, every single unit's getting activated, sent over there, whatever. And my mom was so ████ scared that I was going to go over, which is ironic because I actually wanted to go cuz I was like, you know, when you're when you join during that time, you're very, very patriotic. Um but both my parents, they're divorced, and this is the first thing they agreed upon. They're like, "You shouldn't go. We only have one kid." Like that whole like, you know, classic military story where you're supposed to
0:50 have uh one heir still >> Yes. >> carry on the name or whatever, right? >> Fa Mulan. Like that. >> Yeah. And um And so, yeah, went to my So, yes, I went I went to my unit. And at that time, they were sending like multiple detachments to go out and join, you know, whatever forces that were over there. And my mom freaked out, and so she The only way she knows how to do her ████ is always through the ████ mystical >> Go to the temple and fortune tellers. >> Yeah, so she went to a fortune teller and they're like, "Oh, you don't want him to go to war? Easy peasy. This is what you got to do. You buy like 10 Gs worth of these Bibles and Yeah, they're like these bi- they're like some like a Buddhist scripture. >> Buddha palm is the one they hand out in
1:40 Kung Fu Hustle. >> [laughter] >> Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just over and over. And you got to you got to buy these, and you got to take it to all the temples you visit, and then you got to stock them. You got to stock their inventory. >> Two by two.net, dude. This is crazy. I'm going to think I'm going to change my business, dude. >> 10 Gs worth of ████ books and went and uh stocked all the temples around. And what was crazy is I don't know if it's coincidence or whatever that unit I ended up going to uh they already maxed out the number of times they could go. So, at that time like in the Marine Corps unit, I think each each one in a certain amount of time they can only go twice. My unit already went twice. So, my unit as a whole would never be able to go. You would have to like join another detachment. They send a small group. >> Totally imagine your mom going like,
2:30 "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, your unit went twice already, so they can never go. Bye-bye." >> [laughter] >> So, my mom >> It's the Bibles that I ████ donated to these >> She made it ████ happen. >> Yeah. >> He's kind of right though, dude. She she kind of did make it happen. >> crazy is no I was the only one out of all my friends I joined that didn't go overseas because of that. >> she is completely indoctrinated in this ████ She literally saved your life. >> Had to go to war to prove her wrong. That was your one moment. >> at the same time, the other guy that has this tattoo >> Yeah. >> I would always gas up my unit cuz I my unit was ████ dope. So, he had a lateral move and so he switched from his unit over to my unit. He also didn't go either because of that, but his parents didn't drop 10 Gs on ████ Bibles. >> Damn. >> In the military, is there a way where you could be like, "Your Your Honor"? Is that what they call each other? If you're talking to superior, what do
3:20 you call them? >> You just say, "Sir." >> Sir. Yeah. Sir. >> Ma'am. Ma'am. >> [laughter] >> Yeah. >> Ma'am, sir. I would like to see action. I would like to see battle. >> Oh yeah, could you have done that? >> Say like, "I want to f██████" >> No, so at my unit um the my whole unit couldn't go, but there's different units that go there. Let's call let's say the ████ Angry Pup Pups. The 45th Angry Pup Pups are going, right? Then at your unit at my at the time they would create a detachment about, "Okay, who wants to join the 45th Angry Pup Pups that's going to go?" And you can go sign your name. So, I originally signed my name first and then when I came back and told my parents, my parents like "You're ████ ████ We only have one of you. Don't ████ do it." And we got into a big fight. And so, I had to go back the next time and I'm like, "Hey, can I actually like rescind my >> Oh, you actually listened to your parents? >> Parents, yeah. So, I I took I was like, I could >> What a wuss.
4:10 >> [laughter] >> Cuz I could put myself in my dad's shoes and go like, "F███, I only have one son. I barely got reacquainted with this ████ when he's 15." You know we don't have a really relationship, really. >> Oh, I could I see where you're >> He got reacquainted with this ████ when he's 15 and now he's 18, he's going to be gone. So, I'm like, I could kind of see how my my dad be ████ pissed about that. >> goes back, all the recruiters are holding Buddhist palm pamphlets. >> [laughter] >> No, no, not Barton. Mm-mm, not this list. >> Just eating a vegetarian MREs. >> [laughter] >> So, then it it like takes you off of that uh for sure list to go? >> Yeah, cuz they they'll compile a list and when they have enough people, then they'll send like let's say these 30 troops to the 45th pup pups and they send them. >> Right. So, now it's just luck of the draw if you go? >> Yeah, because my unit as a unit couldn't get activated cuz they already went. >> Dang. >> All I'm saying is she did her job.
5:00 >> it, dude. >> She made it happen. >> Maybe she did. >> That was all her. I don't see any Oh, no, because this and my unit No, dude, from where I see it, that was all her. And also though, 2 years after 2001? That's crazy. >> Any any sane parent probably actually kudos to her going that version of a distance in the realm that she understands. >> see Yeah, I can see >> That's ████ insanely awesome. Just be like, "This is the version of This is what I have to do. ████ it." Does it, it works. >> Yeah. Cuz the the era then is like that's pre-KFCs in Iraq. >> Yeah. >> So, everybody was going on. >> Cuz the first 2 years >> only. >> [laughter] >> 2 years is crazy. It's like >> It's war torn. >> going through, you know, like each town, each building, each home >> Yeah. >> before they were able to establish a
5:50 base and then have ████ Carl's Jr. come through or whatever. >> Right. Crazy back up. >> Carl's Jr. [laughter] come through. >> Hey Hardee's, we got a great spot for you guys now. >> It's crazy that there's nothing that could ever convince your mom that it didn't work and it wasn't her doing, right? >> Yeah. >> Cuz you kind of believe it. You kind of believe it. >> the We need World War to make it be like maybe we can cancel out that one. >> Does any part of you, like from your mom's point of or for you even, kind of go, "Hey, maybe there is something to it." >> In the beginning, yes. >> What about now though? >> Now, ████ no. >> [laughter] >> Cuz what are the chances your >> your group ████ ████ >> What are the chances that specific group doesn't go, you know? >> Okay, that's true. But here's another thing. The other thing is so Tiger has seizures, right? I don't know whatever mystical ████ my mom did and my mom's
6:41 like, "Hey, [snorts] he's healed now." >> Oh, ████ >> Right? >> That's tough. That's tough. That's tough. >> And then the recent event where he was at at the UFC fight and he had one. Like I I want to rub it in her face so ████ bad, but the good thing I have a sane wife. She's like, "What's that going to do?" >> Yeah. >> Like you're just going to like keep holding this over >> yeah. >> I really wanted to rub it in her face. I'm like, "No." She's like, "When it comes up, say it level-headed. Hey, he did have another one." And that's it. But don't like be so vengeful about it even though I'm full of vengeance. >> I I definitely not a fan of that ████ >> I worked the system on it though? >> Yeah, maybe if you tell her, she goes, "All right, let me just recalibrate some stuff." >> Hey, like if you buy me a Porsche Cayenne, then Tiger won't have seizures anymore. >> [laughter] >> I never thought of it that way. That's actually a good way. >> You're like, "Mom, I don't believe this
7:31 ████ I've never believed it, but the monk said this and like obviously don't buy it for me." >> [laughter] >> That's what's dangerous about it is that like cuz you know when I when I told you guys I was in that prayer warriors group and we used to like pray over like people's sicknesses and ████ There was this kid that had like cancer. And then the the lead prayer warrior said he was healed. ████ died. >> That's crazy. >> Like come on. >> Start saying people are healed cuz of you, that's when you're in trouble. That's when you're in trouble. >> It's like stick with the win you got with the military thing and don't let it bleed over to like that's crazy. >> I feel like as soon as you say they're healed, it cancels out all the good will you did is done now. >> Yeah. >> What if the reason why he died was he got in a car accident, wasn't cancer? >> That's funny. >> Would you be >> That's some dark comedy. >> [laughter] >> It's a good punchline.
8:23 That's a Jeselnik joke, dude. >> You know you know I I can't >> It is Jeselnik. >> I can't think of a any ████ actual reference, but you know in those movies where it's like um you know, the the parents are just in a corner cuz their kid is like you know about to whatever so then they're they're willing to you know, consult the dark arts or what you know what I'm saying? Like >> Yeah. >> There's always going to be that moment where a person's will will break. >> But my mom isn't waiting for those moments. My mom would consult the dark arts to improve my SAT score. It's >> [laughter] >> It's like give her a ████ reason and she'll consult the dark arts. >> That's her first stop. [laughter] >> Dark arts default. >> Yeah, it's crazy. I I just would imagine >> Her love language >> the ████ dark arts at her place of
9:13 work. Did I ever tell you about that where she rerouted the whole AC thing? >> [laughter] >> What? The dark arts rerouted her AC at work? >> So she yeah, she works at like a when she was when she was working, she worked at a company that would be like AT&T, like a Fortune 500, a big company that does things the right way, has HR policies, insurance, all that ████ She sat underneath the AC duct and she believed the ████ coolness is ████ with her feng shui or her chi or whatever the ████ >> But that's true though. >> And so she like >> That's real though. >> applied a bunch of times to move her ████ her desk, her cubicle. They denied it. She wants to change the temperature on the thing, but imagine like a 100,000 square foot place. You can't just change the temperature on some ████ It's like a big ass ████ AT&T Bank of America type building, right?
10:04 >> Yeah. >> So, over the weekend she got one of her Chinese contractors to come in and reroute the AC, so now it skips over that vent. >> That's sick, though. >> And it so it just doesn't blow over her desk. And then the AC unit for the entire building like overheated or broke or whatever. And then so they were like, "What the ████ happened?" They brought in a contractor to go look, and they were like, "Oh, someone rerouted the whole ████ AC." And then my mom was like, "Oh, I did it." >> Oh my god. What if she did her >> The crazy thing is like you know when like those >> That's legit, though. >> in those So, you imagine if you have a Mitsubishi in America. >> Yeah. >> Like it's technically an American company now, but it has Japanese culture in it. >> Okay. >> So, the company that she works for is like that. >> Oh. >> Asian culture. >> Uh-huh.
10:54 >> So, a lot of them were like, >> [sighs and gasps] >> "Man, she probably got tenure. She's been here 20 years. She got another 2 years before she retires, receives pension. Do we want to ████ her whole ████ up?" So, they have that. >> Oh. >> That's the crazy ████ that consults the dark arts all the ████ time. >> I bet they didn't say that. >> So, they're just like >> grace for this type of behavior. Yeah. >> Like, just let her be. She's going to be out. >> and and that's it. >> She might have had a small fine maybe just to get it rerouted back the right way, but she didn't >> values prevented them from like dropping a hammer on her head. Yeah. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Okay. Wow, interesting. >> is that valuable to them. >> Or she ████ bought more Bibles, and then the person that was going to prosecute got in a car accident or something. I don't know. >> [laughter] >> The prosecutor is now a martial arts monk. >> [laughter] >> Yeah, honestly, your mom's kind of
11:45 badass for that. >> Yeah, honestly, your mom's tight, man. >> She's actually a true feminist, really. >> There was a contractor willing to work unpermitted like that. >> That's That's the best part, though. That's so funny she did that. >> with the adjective Chinese will do it. >> Oh. >> imagine your mom's like it she comes in after hours, brings her own contractor >> [laughter] >> to like check it out. >> Bro, like that is hilarious. That's so funny. >> deeper level, I think that Chinese contractor was actually trying to ████ her. >> Even better, she's using people, dude. She's using all the weapons. >> She knew that? >> Well, because [laughter] that con- >> ████ >> No, because afterwards I remember I remember going like, "Hey, you know that contractor you used to hang out with? Like, uh like, how come you I don't see you working with them or whatever hanging
12:35 out anymore?" And she was like, "Oh, I think he thinks that um I had feelings for him, but I didn't have feelings, so we had to like So, I think he was actually trying to ████ her. >> Or [laughter] Or your mom was like, "He didn't even know how to reroute the AC properly without blowing the whole ████ thing. That guy is a loser." >> She used that as a way to coax him into doing it. >> [laughter] >> I might ████ you if I wasn't so cold. I'll let you hit this. >> [laughter] >> It worked. >> I'll let you crack if YOU DO IT. >> [laughter] [laughter] >> I'LL LET YOU CRACK IS CRAZY. OH, MAN.
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