0:00 [Music] anybody here fly to united airlines yeah you fly whatever flight i can get yeah same okay irrelevant question almost but a woman in the u.s almost traveling on a united airlines flight awoke to find another passenger allegedly fondling her breast what just a random yeah you know i heard this s███'s common like um like if you take a greyhound bus or if you take like any like flights or whatever and then like there's a pervert next to you you ████ knock out you wake up and they're just like on you and ████ that's ████ crazy that's ████ it's like for me it's like there have to be dumb like do you think that they're not going to wake up and like look at you and be like even if my neighbor was like had a bomb ████
0:51 cheesecake right and i wake up and i'm like sleeping i still wouldn't get the ████ cheesecake that's that's theirs that's because you're not a criminal yeah yeah like but apparently you're trying to empathize with him oh okay i'm trying to put myself in a situation where that's possible you know like people don't expect to wake up being fondled and ████ so like you know how like the fight or flight right some people just freeze up and ████ so like uh apparently these ████ that do it they get more and more bold because that's not the i bet you that's not the ████ first time this guy followed the woman right so like the first time he didn't get in trouble for it maybe he was just like i could do it again that's crazy though court documents say the woman had been traveling from las vegas to washington when she fell asleep on the flight she
1:41 then woke up to find ivan lopez jr who's 26 years old rubbing her right breast with prosecutors saying she shouted get away from me lopez jr then got up and went to the back of the plane and admitted to a flight attendant that he had sexually assaulted the woman sitting next to him the flight attendant immediately moved him from the 12th row to the 21st row in order to keep him away from the female passenger where's the air market he just made him change seats well i mean you're already in the air like what else can you ████ duct tape that fool oh remember when they duct taped that guy when he was being there they ████ slammed him on the floor or some sort of ████ zip tie or ████ yeah dude i wonder if there's like protocol that uh like uh uh you know uh what are they called the ████ agents on the planes they're marshalls unless it's like like a terrorist attack yeah they're like sorry she's the air
2:32 marshal in this man he's the air the whole time flight is just all air marshals they later they find guns they all pull out a badge they're trying to stay undercover they find out they're both air marshals oh ████ [Laughter] what movie was that where uh was it bridesmaids yeah you air marshall yeah so when the passenger opened her eyes she alleged uh allegedly observed lopez leaning over her and his right hand was placed on her right breast the passenger allegedly right on right yeah it's one of these oh like this yeah that's my left though then it's either this or let's say you go grab me like that's that
3:22 oh that's a that's a long reach because it's not one of those like it's not like that it's a bat or it's a bat like it's it's a parent so the lopez jr now faces a charge of abusive sexual contact aboard an aircraft and if convicted could be jailed for up to two years and ain't probably gonna go to jail i feel like he's they don't ████ what do you think it would be a more appropriate punishment for something like that cut his hands oh poetry let's get poetic punishments for this minus one hand oh he has to listen to slam poetry 24 hours a day wow he went literal with the poetry and he's like and specifically it has to be women empowerment feminism everything that he violated yeah maybe he like loses his
4:13 hand but then he also gets like a you know prosthetic breast like attached to his forehead like a like a scarlet letter that's a good idea i like that or you put one under his chest you triple tit you put up a triple tip but it's big enough where it sticks out wherever you go so everyone's gonna be like yo it's gotta be seen though like in glorious bastards because otherwise he'll just maybe just fondle himself and be satisfied yeah yeah oh yeah that's true a little nicky is a titty yeah a little ████ double tits it's gotta be somewhere he can't hide you know he has to ride in the back of the cargo plane for the rest of his life and the the cargo air planes if he wants to travel yeah cause that stuff is weird it's like what do you do in that situation like how do we stop this from happening more often i think i think chopping the hand off is pretty sad i wonder i wonder if he does it because the the kink is getting found like he's getting it yeah probably you know it's like oh my god and he's
5:04 like oh no i did a bad thing excuse me well does that put him on the sex he's not on the sex offenders registry for that or like the no flight list or maybe he was in international water no i'm just kidding i don't know i think you get all of the above you get all you both no fly list anymore you touch someone's breast on a flight and they're sleeping you can't fly anymore yeah like it like like an airplane where they beat the show whenever it involves a woman i feel like it it makes them it makes they like it like they want to get touched by women get attent get a reaction like it has to be what they don't want i think that's punishment all the guys get up every ████ is that song yeah but he can only grab man titties for two years yeah oh okay what about rehabilitation where like let's say all the aisle seats of uh of an airplane are just like hot mannequin
5:56 chicks and then if you're a registered sex offender that's the middle row you get to you get to buy your seat so then at least you get to like kind of slowly wean off of it your empathy game is real strong on this episode this is the rehabilitation perspective that's kind of fire i like the i like the scandinavian coaches probably have positive i mean i like that i think what has to happen same setup we put electrodes on his dick on his nose and his ears right because it conducts electricity better when it goes from here to this chakra okay okay so every time he hogs every time he hawks like that like operations yeah it goes and he gets it's like shocked there oh hell yeah but then at some point you probably like that so then he'll just keep you know you know the you know the ████ giant dudes who do the slap
6:46 contest yeah a bunch of those guys but they all like wear wigs and they all stand on line and then he has to touch their boob one time and then he has to get slapped by them yeah just be the fluffer for those events oh they should just like warm up or we could skip all those processes and then after he grabs the boob and he goes and he says oh yeah i did it throw him out the plane just like that like that oh that's a good idea easy simple efficient probably over water yeah they went vegas he just soars closer to her you think other way around it like they're like women out there that are just you know groping man yeah but like you know in the same i
7:36 mean this seems so well you know it just seems so like uh i guess it feels one-sided i think groping is probably like substantially you know over not equal yeah you know what i mean like it it's probably heavily represented by men like if i wore tight sweatpants and then i put like a thing of salami and i'm just like sitting in the aisle i'm over here like i don't know if any chicks are like oh yeah there's one ████ ground yeah i'll be panicking like damn eat that kind of if we're in a three aisle seat i'll ask the girl next to him like you gonna hit it or am i gonna touch it you're gonna do it what's a sexual harassment direct detective he's going undercover and he's a stingy
8:27 i hope no women touches me or or he puts a camera in the salami piece yeah so when girls look down they're like excuse me i saw you look at my penis how dare you yeah you ████ his ass up that's what you do he's just got like high-tech glue there so if you touch it your hand's stuck you're just out there to stop a crime that never occurs i think there should be growth patrol you know like there's got to be some kind of um specific squad because you know we have so many other squads like the dea like hell's angels that's illegal yeah official retainer official but like you know we have departments of like oh this one's for ████ human trafficking yeah atf yeah we need we need grope patrol you know like so like because that s███'s happening and then like you know um right now cops can't keep them in jail like they catch them
9:19 but they're not doing ████ because it's like ████ d.a yeah and this is happening in a lot of cities where like dudes are just out there like groping women all day and they're like really i don't have to get in trouble like oh yeah what's stopping them because unfortunately they're the ones that like women are the ones that get the ████ ████ out of the stick yeah they're the ones that are have to pay for it you know back in uh 2001 i was at the third street promenade santa monica and there was a guy you know like people watch those like little street performances and they get in crowds every time those happen like sometimes there's a dude that's like getting real close to people kind of like humping their asses and ████ this guy was um i was there with my ex and her friends and this guy started doing it to them like when i was in the store and then i came back out and my ex was like yeah this guy was like hopping on on my friends and stuff and i was like which which ████ guy is it and this is my like ████ tough moment so then i go to his back and i i
10:11 go right up on his ass i like how you tough and i'm just like i'm ████ like my dick is like in his ass and then he's just like yo what's your problem and i just went and it just went his hat came up yeah you hum he just humped his ████ so hard that he fell forward and he knew that he was caught for that ████ everybody was looking at that's tight and they were just like everyone's like yeah you can get that guy and then ryan went to jail and that's why i'm on the sex offenders list [Laughter] i like how you got him back you get because because you can't you can't like fight him or else it's assault no one proved that he actually did that it's like i would have just assaulted him you're smart that is smart though well i think because because he because no he'll know that like oh ████ that's just they knew they know what i'm doing yeah bart's uh dog tyson he hunt my leg the
11:01 first time i met him and i said oh yeah bro and i ████ hump the ████ out of him yeah i stopped after that huh yeah oh damn you gotta show him who's boss bro yeah [Music] you
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