0:00 thank you [Music] so some of you may remember your first love How Could You Forget you well I remember this story vividly [Music] too vividly I was in elementary school and there is this young boy named David he was the cutest kid of the class of course so uh it was Valentine's Day and uh I was real shy as a kid and I told my mom about it my mom said not that my mom said you're gonna buy him a teddy
0:51 bear some chocolates some flowers you're gonna tell them how you feel I said absolutely not [Music] absolutely not she bought it for me and sent it to school with me and uh I was in class and I was like I'm gonna build up the courage to put this on David's desk and tell them how I feel right so I built up the courage I was like okay I'm really nervous I'm gonna I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it okay my friend's like yeah you should definitely do that I'm like okay I'm gonna do it so I started writing this letter of like the things I loved about him and like how I felt and just how we should be together
1:42 and so lunchtime came and I knew where he sat and so I went to go put all the stuff on the chair and I waited for him to go get it and I saw him pick out the chocolates look at the bear he started reading the letter I was like oh my God oh my God so stressful [Music] and uh he started walking towards me he was like oh my God this is this is my moment this is my moment I'm gonna be with David Dave is going to be with me and uh he walked over to me and not just him it was a group of his friends I'd say about eight to ten people oh ████ okay yeah so it was intimidating I thought I was
2:33 nervous before but then seeing that I was really scared he took the box of chocolates he looked at the notes he looked at me and he threw the box of chocolates on me everywhere and I was just like what he goes I don't like you oh little ████ and I was shocked I was devastated I looked at my friend who said to do that and to give him the notes and the chocolates and she walked away with David oh yeah definitely start crying and um when I went home
3:24 I was pissed at my mom I was like how could you make me do this and now I have to go back to school and see David and Emily ████ ████ together for the rest of the year and that's why I hate Valentine's Day Emily is huh [Applause] this is the best part of the story so in high school that guy David found me on Facebook added me and asked me out on a date and
4:17 I was like are you ████ kidding me of course I will absolutely not yes absolutely not wow crazy full circle moment how old are you guys uh we were in elementary school was that like 10 or something like third grade so Emily was already with him I was like yeah you should totally do I don't think she was I think it was just like uh oh that happened um she tried to use that situation to like usurp okay yeah Emily the usurper what a little ████ ass Emily is huh it was so sad Valentine's ████ thrown at you and I remember telling my mom was like I don't want to do this I don't and your mom prepared it for you and everything like what's the worst that could happen and I'm like she's like honey they're not even that aerodynamic
5:07 they can't be thrown that far why don't you wear this white white on white today wear your white dress how do you look so good chocolate stains everywhere like Carrie wear my wedding dress yeah it was a good Lord yo that's crazy I remember the kids laughing oh my god oh the kids laughing they're like huh and that was Emily ratajowski no way wow wow it's sad that's a sad story but you know I got mine in the end because I said no to him high school when you try a loser dude have you ever had a good Valentine's Day after that yeah oh okay but you still hate Valentine's Day yeah
5:58 I was just for the story oh my god do you think it's corporate yeah me yeah it is yes it is it absolutely did anybody afterwards like ever give you like chocolate and like a letter just like by chance because that's a very you know Valentine's relationship would that trigger you yeah um no because I got mine in the end the the like the the full circle moment of him adding me yeah Jesus Christ it's like did you couldn't believe it did you super poke him yeah no he's trying to ask his dad out or something that is funny and it sucks chocolates at him you know what's even worse tell his dad try to convince his dad that he he could have a rap crew and film the sickest music video oh ████ I was like kids all embarrassed I got bars man like
6:48 just hype them up what was this guy's name David so David you should have a baby with his dad and name it David have his dad and you love new David more than him you did a new David systematically destroyed Junior that's even worse he's not even correctly a junior he's like wait I'm already confused but it's basically like he gets wiped from existence yeah he never existed um and then make sure David dates a girl named Emily in the future yeah but I don't want to queue with somebody who throws chocolates or even in that lineage I didn't know his father yes you're right to change him right sure yeah it could be a a genetics thing chocolate chocolate throwing yeah gotta get those ████ out here sounds like you dodged a bullet sounds like David was a little ████ she didn't dodge a chocolate though that's right but then I
7:39 went back to school and I was like all my friends were just like embarrassed for me so they didn't want to be around me I was like oh it's a tough age yeah you're gonna look back to see what David's up to now is he a ████ loser uh he's like oh he's like oh wow you're really doing it these days like recently again I love that trip you're really doing it like again these days you should for sure I try to have sex with that I was watching you right now he uh I don't know I think it is like construction or something oh good so he'll probably watch you after work hours I gotta say we do need directions we do yeah they're important I hope he falls off a roof then it's sad because it's like statistically accurate it can't happen it's probably very ████ Staples his hand to a ████ two by four oh yeah it just runs around going back like my mom was just
8:31 like damn like I forced her to do this and now it's like this thing just burned into my memory you think uh this coming Valentine's day you'll be able to uh observe it and practice the tradition you're gonna practice this Valentine's the matrimonial traditions um no I think I'm just gonna eat a box of chocolates cool don't uh don't go throwing it across the room don't waste it you know no no I'm always full it doesn't sound like you came out on top if you're like I'm just gonna eat a box of chocolates alone in a room she's winning the trash she's like looking in the mirror throwing it at the mirror you're dead every year every every year dude David has no ████ hopefuls you know he's not hitting anybody up he's hitting people up from elementary school and they're going over in payroll at one of those Portables he's he's
9:22 ████ got a construction job doing a recession thank you [Applause] [Music]
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