0:00 when I let my actual dogs go out to poop in their poop section when they walk by my poop they're like like they could tell smells weird does Gio ever pick up the sh back there yeah both me and her pick it up you should have let her do it and been like notice anything different [Music] today welcome back to a uh very essential episode careful boys we have to talk about what do you do or what have you done when you couldn't reach the toilet in time oh damn I myself what's the where's the worst place where's the worst place you ever Sho yourself o my mine's my car pants in the car mine's in the car no ████ way because so um I worked in entertainment
0:52 for a long time like I'm not just not as a comic but like just I worked in be like above the line behind the scenes like production compan production companies yeah so at this time I was at ni and they were in North Hollywood at the time so like actual North Hollywood so where I lived in Orange County it was like oh sh with no traffic it's like an hour right so with traffic it's like an hour and a half right I was in fullon traffic oh no Bumper to Bumper and I'm in the fast lane oh and even if I could make it to the exit yeah like there's nowhere to go you're stuck and it wasn't like I gave up like and it just I was trying to hold it as much as I could and then I remember thinking like I was yelling like why aren't there porta potties on the freeway like why why why this is stupid why wouldn't there be Porta next to the call box yeah like
1:42 right they should should and I know they're going to be dirty cuz you know in America we can't have nice things cuz people always mess it up there's probably poop and piss everywhere but when you got to go it's fine you'll go anywhere yeah yeah you'll just go but then like I'm like and I don't know if you guys ever held it so bad like you start tearing you know what I'm saying you know like you're like I was just like oh you know and then like cuz you're you're in a conundrum you're like between a rock and a hard place cuz you you can't go right because the car it's bumper to bumper and no one's letting you in you know you can't tell me yo I got to go to the bathroom like you know you can't do that and then so and then when your muscles just give wa and then you just give up like at that point you're just yeah you're just done but then but then when you do it yeah oh you feel so good that happened you were just sitting I was in it was driving and ████ yeah and then and then when it
2:32 was done and then when it was done like I felt so good did you just you just kept sitting in and just kept I just kept going cuz to like in another way well yeah no there's that there's that but then like you know um I think this was before no no I think I had my cell phone and I remember I live with my parents at the time and I and I called and I go hey this happened so like um I I just need a trash bag to throw everything in she you are you going to you want you want me to wash it I go no no no no we can't go there this is has to be thrown yeah it has to be thrown away my sh were you going to just replace the whole chair no no no so just no but oh that's what I was afraid of is that it would soak through but it didn't there was like a little wet spot in the back but it didn't like soak through but of course my car smelled I cleaned all that but it was just like a wipe thing like it it was it box did it get to your
3:22 did it get to your wallet no oh I took all that out yeah cuz I I was thinking about that so you don't want to smear your wallet I didn't want to yeah usually in like those 10 situations I'm pretty like okay I got to do this this and that and then I took that all out but I was just and then you know you get embarrassed and ashamed even though no one knows so you're in the car like normal cuz I thought the person next to me knew I thought they knew like you know cuz you know you have to roll your windows down cuz it's it smelled I thought they knew and I was just like yeah I was just a shame are you down to just bust the door open and just ████ on the freeway not with people oh but I've also I have two sto so this this this one cuz you asked like the worst a car one time dude cuz you guys I mean you guys cuz we've know each other for a long time like I I I was a champion Drinker like I went out be like I was a ████ you guys know me man I'll take a
4:14 ████ like I remember you used to drink like you had a budget too yeah I I I I partied right so one night after a club um like I was drunk and I was outside and then all of a sudden I had to go but I was outside bubbles yeah it was it was bad right and then you know I could have gone back into the club and you know you guys know Club bathrooms are just nasty people just pee on the seats on purpose you know right yeah I I do that yeah yeah I know it's always your people but like I'm outside and I didn't even think about going back I'm like I'm not going to go back in and and I'm trying to look for a bathroom like outside like it maybe like a restaurant or something but you know obviously it's like it's like two nothing's open yeah I have no and I'm in a parking structure oh and so I'm like you know you know when you're drunk there's that no one sees me mhm like
5:06 there could be people but you know you're like but like they don't see me you're in your own world yeah like I I I know I'm not I know I'm Not Invisible but they don't see me right and then so like I go to a car like behind like you know like cuz it's a structure just a random car yeah so like there's like a bunch of cars parked I just go like where there's a wall behind me and then there's cars in front you know and then like I just I had to go cuz it was it was bubbles it was bub you did you po squ I yeah I squatted there and then of course even though I'm drunk I'm aware that I got a wipe because I don't want itchy ass yeah you know what I'm saying like and I know I just even though I'm drunk I'm I'm aware of that and fortunately at that time it was trendy to wear um bu you wife beers oh yeah yeah so I had my dress shirt over a wife beater I took my dress shirt off I took
5:57 the wife beater off and I used that to to WIP but you know when you have when you have bubble bubble poop one wipe doesn't do so I had to fold it and then wipe again made an origami ass wiper yeah and I fold again and I remember I I I was praying that this one would go this one would be done cuz I had no more folding to do no more real estate you only do it seven times right yeah and then like you're it's the golden ra unless you're a magician there's no way I hope people understand that joke cuz that's a brilliant joke if you don't get it if you don't know you don't know anyhow so I finally get it and then I think at a certain point I was like you know what um whatever like I'm just going to have itchy ass right so then I tossed it right and then I and then you know I put my jeans back on right and
6:47 this whole time you had a crowd thing is I don't know and then this is before camera phones are good so even if someone took video or whatever there's a good chance it don't look like me you know what I mean I missed those days and then yeah I know those days were great and then this is the worst part I was so drunk I passed out on the uh the garage floor oh ████ so now people are people are coming out from the club going to their cars right but I'm far enough away from like the damage that I did to the crime scene right yeah and then like people are coming back going are you okay oh and then like I'm like you know I can't even and then like I can't even talk right so my friends thought I had gone to a after hours restaurant without them so they went
7:39 there so they're calling me right do you do that type of thing go to after without anyone no I don't but I think cuz they're drunk too so they just thought I did that they're definitely not going like he took his W beer off folded it seven times wiped his ass and then passed out on the other side hey man you dropped your wife beater over there behind those cars so so then like I feel they're I can't talk right so I feel my my pocket buzz and then so they go I go and then they pick up the phone and they're talking and they go hey yeah your friends just pass totally nice people so my friends come back and then like they thank them and everything and the thing is the reason I'm telling this part of the story is I didn't finish um pooping buttoning my pants oh so I didn't have a zipper I had but remember buttons were the thing so you look like you were assaulted
8:33 I only had the top button buttoned so the rest is open and I have no oh and I don't even have underwear on cuz I had also used the the underwear I used used I forgot that part I forgot that part sorry guys I first used the underwear and it wasn't enough wait that's why you had to do the I had to do the in order to use your underwear that means you had to fully take off your jeans all the way too so there's a point that you were just butt I was we need the Poo I was we need the poo poo literally doing poo poo then you had to take off your shirt everything off man because no one could see him no one could see me so it was fine it was fine but then people are like dude I think someone ████ the ████ out of the guy dude so it was so when my friends came to pick me up I don't know who but I heard one of them say like why is your
9:25 like like my my my penis wasn't out but they're like why do you have no underwear [Laughter] and then because because only my top button's button it's like open like this right cuz like I'm all like this so they could see you yeah so one of like why is your why do you have no underwear your pants are all over and the thing was is I was so embarrassed that I had to poop in the garage and also I couldn't talk cuz I was so drunk and pass that you know that I I couldn't say anything like I was just like what's up guys if you do not know we have a patreon I want you to click in our description and go over there and check out all the beautiful stuff we have for you it's super duper access for only our super duper exclusive lovers
10:17 like yourselves you're going to be getting one never been released director Cup every week but not only that you get another fresh too hot for YouTube videos we say some crazy ████ on there two videos a week but not only that you get to join our Discord and come chat with us direct access we're in there the whole careful boy in there jumping in dog piling on people laughing playing joking whatever and you can come talk to us directly so if you like what we do and what we've been doing for the past 10 years please support our patreon and click the link below to get all the detail Tails there's so many different tiar you can see it when you click that yeah that that's probably that the fact that you remember all that while you
11:07 were drunk party animal well I was a champion Drinker you know yeah I didn't start blacking out until um I got older like in my 40s this was like you're just along for the ride back then yeah yeah but like in my 40s when I started blacking out I was like oh yeah maybe this isn't good but when I was younger yeah I I didn't like Black Ops like I remembered I just couldn't talk at when I was I was so when you when you needed to ████ was it just one of those things where you're like uh-oh too late like you didn't feel it like oh maybe I should look for the bathroom or like you're just immediately like oh no like you're a toddler just hit cuz you know like when you when you drink um if you ate something like a little wrong and then it mixes with all that alcohol it's just you know your body is like yeah yo dude you no and then I felt it and then I was like oh like I I got to I I got to go
12:00 and I to find like any restaurant and like even my mind I remember at the time in my mind I'm going but all dirty in there and the other side of me's like hey ████ like what's the choices right now yeah yeah that's true that's better than garage yeah we taking off your clothes can you choose what hole it comes out of the poop no like the ████ yeah cuz sometimes I'll be like oh ████ I'm going to throw up and I go you know what I'm just going to take a ████ right now and I'll ████ and I'm like okay cool I don't have to throw up anymore I don't think that's you choosing if you get in early enough you could choose which hole bro if you get in early enough that's ████ pretty dope I it's either diarrhea or or throw no cuz I've had stomach flu multiple or like stomach poison whatever the ████ it's called multiple times enough now where you're doing both and then I learned that if it's about to get to
12:51 both it's too late but if if you can catch her early and just let it come out the ass it won't have to come out the mouth too soon oh that's the worst when sitting on the toilet and hugging a ████ trash bag to ████ barf while you're taking a dump that sucks oh I never exper is if you get in early it's like closer to your mouth like don't you want to wait no it's already here and it's it's already ping ponging everywhere it's already in here and then now it's like it needs to come out every hole and you're like you got holes this way yeah I'mma choose the hole and then it's like it calms down I like that weren't you didn't you major in biology mhm did you major bi I just want to ask which school was was this that you learned tell them tell them what school was the pro protest school love protest there man you
13:41 see I love that they didn't used to be so protesty though yeah they used to have ████ undy runs it was just peaceful like people are having a good time college life and now people are F going crazy which is funny cuz I feel like the conflict was happening back then still too yeah it was social media wait so what happened recently where you weren't able to choose your own hole so recently I went out for a jog in the morning and then when I go out for a jog I usually just leave the back door open but it was also the same time that uh Jill was taking Tao to school so I think she was just doing her rounds of like oh it's back door locked front door locked and then so as I was uh probably a mile away from the house I started feeling it and I'm like uhoh spaghettio oh ████ ████ what I atat last night God
14:32 damn and then I'm like okay okay hopefully I'll make it home so you know how like as soon as you start getting closer to home it starts like Rising I don't know why it does that but it gets worse it always gets worse right so in my mind I'm already like spotting bushes ████ trees I'm like at any point in time I'm just going to ████ pull my ████ down and just start just lay it all out give it back to Nature and I was like you know I think I think I could beat this I think I could beat this I finally make it into our neighborhood oh no actually you know what I got to the the gates in front of our neighborhood and I was like I don't think I should walk through the neighborhood cuz it could happen at any time that means I'm have to ████ on someone's lawn so I'm like that's not polite that's against HOA so I'm like you know what I'm going to take the back door route cuz there's another side gate there's a lot of back door we got a theme going so I went the other way around the community to the
15:23 side door and even during that whole time I'm like ████ I'm going to I'm going to be I'm going to bust the ████ La homeless guy and just ████ ████ on the wall I make it through the side door to the front of uh through our side gate and then you know when you have like that like a feeling of relief you're like ████ ████ yeah I landed I'm like cool I'm home I left the back door open I go there and I'm like ████ ████ I'm like oh yeah Gio ████ probably did the ████ door checks and ████ her responsible ass I'm like ████ what do I do and then so I'm like ah ████ it I'll just ████ where a dog ████ so I took off my clothes um and then I went over and then I pulled my underwear like cuz I don't want to ████ on my underwear so I pulled it like like this and then you know when you're pop a crazy squat like where you're like this it ████ flies out yeah yeah oh because it's like correct form it was just like boom it
16:16 all came out but then I don't know if like splatter on your you Splash your ankles no cuz I'm like this close away from and you're on grass right uh no it's like rocks it's like gravel oh your dog ████ on gravel so you know like you know our backyard where where taas jungle gym is around the corner is like all like just gravel so dog sh and the funny thing is if you're just on a stroll you could see right into his backyard so I turn around I ████ ████ on the ████ gravel and then um do you guys have halftime when you guys are ████ oh like where Beyonce performs yeah like all of my s████ it's always like a two act ████ two it's never like it's never like and then and then I'm done I know as soon as I button up and wipe if I walk out I'm like ah ████ here it comes another one I always know it's two acts
17:07 are you guys like that or no yeah but like the second act's always smaller than the First Act yeah yeah yeah but I always have a second act so I'm like so after I ████ I'm like okay I'm not going to get up I know there's going to be another one but then my leg started getting tired and then I was like oh what did that homeless guy what was that technique that he used so I was like let me try it and it's actually really he remembers a homeless cuz you know homeless people they lean against against the wall yeah so I was like I was like this and my ████ feet started going numb and I'm like oh ████ I can't ████ feel my feet but I know I have a second act coming so I'm like here let me try to do this and then I did this and I was like dude I could ████ stay here forever this is awesome so I have two ████ two little pieces of ████ and then um I didn't want to pick it up then I wanted to dry up so I could throw away with the rest of the dog ████ but what's weird is um when I let my actual dogs go out to poop in
17:58 their poop section when they walk by my poop they're like like they could tell they could tell this ████ smells weird I thought they were just going to walk right by it but they're like disgusting no they're like does is it ever does Gio ever pick up the ████ back there yeah both me and her pick it up but then she was like you should have let her do it and been like notice anything different today no I had to tell her I was like babe I had to ████ ████ with the dog ████ and she's like you better pick that ████ up I don't see it I'm like all right fine and then you showed her the nest cam yeah yeah she's not even like really phased by you having to do that she's more just like well she should in a parking lot too with her friends with her friends go ahead put on blast tell that story we like they were all uh she was in Pasadena like doing
18:48 like a um it's like a chola thing yeah you guys ready that's how you get downed drop your tonies ladies please tell us let's make Itor please tell us Gio's story for Gio cuz I want to know it through you I want to know what through you I don't know the full story but I just know she told me that um so she was meeting up with friends for lunch it was at like ████ for lunch sorini or whatever you know that that restaurant in in pastina pretty good and then she just the bubble guts hit her and she's like ████ what do I do and then she was already in the parking lot and she was wearing one those tube skirt things yeah so she's like oh ████ and she just went behind
19:39 her car and just ████ rolled it up what and then just went dude did she did she have a wife beat her on no no when was this oh I don't know a few years ago probably so kind of recent few years ago that's kind of recent relatively speaking that was yesterday my favorite thing though is um so we go on road trips a lot and you when you're on road trips it's like most of the bathroom is on the is on the road cuz you're like in the middle of ████ nowhere I I had a picture of so Gio was like popping a squat pissing on the side of the road he took a photo and then taica out of nowhere I got a p too so he gets out so there's a picture of Gio like taking a piss taer next door going like this and I was like dude this is a
20:30 ████ amazing family moment so I took a picture I took a picture of it and then I sent it to one of those uh picture enlargement companies that like also put it in a frame so I have like a ████ like 3ftx 4ot picture of this and I was like babe you're going to ████ love this family picture I got of us she's like oh really I'm like yeah oh no she pulls it out she goes we can't ████ put this up our friends come over I was like a your friends already know who you are the most hilarious thing I think the most hilarious thing I think you're neglecting is that now everyone has that photo because you sent that photo to it's on the grid it's on the grid now yeah yeah that's hilarious but that was a dope ████ picture though that sounds like a really good picture so have you redone your bathroom so you just have the hole and next to a
21:23 wall sounds like it's better cuz you can get that now like that you know the hole they have in Asia yeah the Asia Hool it actually bres too so you can squat it does come out way faster yeah that's how we're designed to ████ I'm ████ outside we should all ████ outside that's the ideal way I like ████ in nature yeah let's report back let's do sometimes when I when I take a ████ here I make a Squatty Potty out of the Apple box remember you needed to on it's pretty sweet you know my mom s████ that way no matter what toilet really if it's a regular toilet she's like this yeah yeah yeah yeah she can't do that if you go to ████ like Cheesecake Factory and if you go to the bathroom with her she goes oh I got to take a ████ look underneath you're like like Mrs who where's your feet on the toilet seat oh my God that's an
22:14 unfortunate rhyme did you hear the rhyme I like bar just putting on blast all the women in his life just like let me tell you all these details about these ladies does she actually say oh I got to take a ████ Bart Bart's dropping some bars with some cool Rhymes man she actually said that oh I got to think of ████ my mom does have bubble guts though ever since I was a kid I don't know what it was she has bad guts so I've seen her like have a lot of emergencies and I think it's I think it's CU of her vegetarian diet it's like too much fiber comes right out of you oh it's like begging to come out that's probably where you get a little bit of it yeah D I really think you should put that whole like that whole I don't even know what you call them does anyone know what you call those those the whole ones but if you put that on and you put a
23:04 retaining wall and then you could lean on the wall get some nice straps all this ████ talk is making me want to take
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