0:05 Welcome back to Cabin Boys. We have to talk about this in a second, so let's go for it. This is from Reddit relationship advice. This is titled I, 25 female, lied to my boyfriend, 26 male, about his dick size. How do you lie? It's ████ It's a ruler. >> go like, "It's so ████ big! Yeah!" But it's like this. >> He's blind. He must be blind. >> No, Joe nailed it. So, No, he's not like, "How big is it?" He knows. But he's he's Let's Let's find out. I, 25 female, have been with my boyfriend, 26 male, for a couple of months now. He's actually one of the sweetest guys I've ever been with. He plans surprises. He cooks for me. He massages my feet after I get back from runs. Just a walking green flag and maybe a guy with a little old dick, huh, boys? He needed to He needs to compensate cuz cuz his dick's small. Tiny dick boy. When you got a When you got a big dick, they can't resist it. You can be a dick
0:55 if you want. >> My dick's small, but I don't massage her feet. But you're rich. Yeah, and buff. And you're buff as hell. You got to compensate. Just a walking green flag. I feel really safe and cared for with him. It's been very refreshing, especially compared to some of the guys I've been with before. But what I can't deep throat him, and then he can't >> [laughter] >> And I've had my fair share of experience. >> Oh, damn. Like well into the double digits. Wow. >> You're so into this one. >> [laughter] >> Wait, double digits? What are you talking about? Like 10, 12 inches? She says double digits of like body count. Oh, okay. I thought you meant like 10 double digit penis. Holy ████ This is a rare case where Joe is listening more than Bart is. >> I'm saying. >> [laughter] >> Joe's really into this one for you. Wow. You really You must have paid him off this time. >> [laughter] >> I gave him some smelling salts.
1:46 Joe's like, "This one's about little dicks." Yeah. >> [laughter] >> Sits forward. Yeah, well into well into the double digits. He He knew and it's never been an issue. I I could tell he He always curious, a little intimidated maybe, but I always told him it didn't matter that she had a high body count. Recently, we were having pillow chat after sex. He asked me how he compares down there compared to the other guys I've slept with. A dangerous question. >> Why would you ask that, dude? What a ████ This guy's no brain. Is my dick too small or is it too big? She says, I laughed it off and tried to dodge it with a joke, but he insisted. Ooh. I told him it didn't matter because I'm with him now. And he kept pushing. Oh. He said he wanted to know. I said, "Fine." Good ████ fantasy. I said, "Fine." Then I started thinking. He insisted that he wanted full honesty, that he wanted us to be 100% transparent
2:37 with each other. So, I promised I'd be 100% honest. Eventually, I told him he's, {quote} a bit above average, and he thanked me for telling him. Oh, safe. Yeah. How about that? The thing is, it was a lie. He's above the average small dick. I couldn't bring myself to be honest because as far as I remember, he's like the smallest I've ever been with. Oh. >> Not by a little, like noticeably smaller. I don't remember every single hookup perfectly, but yeah, I'm pretty sure. That's the closest. >> Now I'm curious, how small? What if that's not what he wanted to hear, you know what I mean? Oh, that he's a little above average? No, like he wanted to hear like you're the smallest ████ dick I've ever been with. They get their jollys off on like getting negged and put down. Or maybe he knows he's small, that's why he wants to know if he's with a liar or not. And then he uses that as
3:27 a test, and if she lies to him, then he goes, "Thank you." And then in his heart he goes, "I know you're a lying ████ cuz I know there's no ████ way my one-incher is above average." >> [laughter] >> Tested the radius and diameter of her ████ and he knows that she's been It's been through a lot. No, I think he's he's did a ████ measuring contest with his best friends, and he realized he was small. No, I think it's like just barely at that line of weird insecurity that makes this hilarious, right? Because if she's been with a bunch of people, there's no way that she's going to be cool with a 1-incher. So, she genuinely probably has been with like girthy or nice dicks, and this guy's like right at that like 3 and 1/2 inches. Where it's like clearly it's the smallest one, but it's also like this guy maybe doesn't know the world. >> Yeah. But he's still She's still with you. >> Yeah. She still likes you. Yeah, she's been with him for a couple months. >> It doesn't It probably doesn't really
4:17 matter to her, but then if you're going to make something that doesn't matter matter, then now you're opening up this can of worms now. But he While he's ████ though, he wants to feel like I'm filling her up. He doesn't want to feel like I'm so small, I'm doing nothing. >> That's why for her own sake, she's got to be like you're above average, cuz what if she's like She's like you're the smallest I've ever been with, and then he's all weird in bed after that. You know, like the the the gusto is just not there, and now it's like I lose. You're even the type to keep insisting after someone's trying to give you an out. He might already be weird. Is this the guy version of when girls go like "Hey, do I look fat?" No, this is worse. No, this is the guy's version of like I don't care how many guys you slept with, just tell me. And then she'll be LIKE 55. GOD DAMN, ████ YOU, ████ >> [laughter] >> I ████ HATE YOU SO MUCH. ████ ████ Or you don't talk to her for 3 days after that, and you don't even say
5:08 why. You're just like nah, it's not Everything's fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine. I'm great. I'm great. I'm I'm great. Why are you Why are you being like this? I'm fine. Yeah. That ████ hits hard when that happens. It's like why'd you ask? You get the thousand-yard stare for like a week straight. >> [laughter] >> But yeah, I don't know what the other equivalent is, cuz this is like a it's like a weird thing. Well, because guys are always going to be like this because we're so weird about our junk, you know? Like we're always like We have a obsession with it. >> It's We We think about it all the time. We want to get it off all the time. That's it. So, like I just think it's different for chicks. >> Tell me if it's like good enough. When we were doing Ask the Fields and then like um uh you know, a lot of people were calling with questions, I would say 50% of the questions was is my dick big enough?
5:58 That's why I said we haven't talked about this in a second. >> Maybe the equivalent is like when when women are like, is it tight enough? >> [laughter] >> Or like, am I the tightest you've ever been with? And you get >> Yeah, what would be the female >> That's what I'm saying. It's ████ stupid to ask that. >> Well, is the female sexual insecurity? I don't think they put >> I boobs big enough? Yeah, what's the female cuck energy? Maybe maybe They do They get They get dicks anytime they ever want it. I just don't think they put much of an importance on a body part like we do. Guys will literally have sex with a chick and then realize halfway through that she's not having a good time and then they'll just sit in a dark room and stew about it for 2 days. Really? Oh, yeah, dude. >> Oh, wait. Some guys don't give a ████ >> guys don't give a ████ but this guy does These types These types >> Oh, I thought you were talking about guys. >> Oh, no, no. You're right. There's a lot of uh you know >> No, there's guys that will ████ a dead body. Like they don't give a ████ This
6:48 guy just seems to have an unsexy personality. No, but He's a little bit needy, I think. And it comes across way too much. >> Yeah, that's it's just pretty gross, man. To just be like, am I good? Are you sure? I'm surprised she didn't say like >> Did you come? >> Like asking that about anything, not even sexual, just anything at all, where you're just like a needy little ████ and you're just like, I need you to appease how I feel. Please tell me I did a good job. >> To me, that's like a defect. Think if you a guy who have that You got to go get checked. I'm surprised she didn't end it with like, and it's giving me the ick. But like so far, it seems like she actually likes him. So like that's the thing the thing that's missing for him is he just don't won't process that she like >> Actually likes him. >> Yeah. This girl's sucking on his dick and he goes, it's not big enough. >> Yeah, he got like a self issue, for sure. >> maybe maybe every other thing that he is to her is like great. You know? It's got
7:40 to be, yeah. >> He's ████ massaging her feet and stuff like that. >> Yeah. She did say that. Yeah, she said he's great. I I like the fact that he's he's not going to be crying while he's ████ >> [laughter] >> Well, like it's a loaded question though. Like what was she supposed to say? It's one of those things you're just not supposed to ask. >> just it's not only is it you're not supposed to ask, it's also something that you truly never ever actually want to know the truth. If you're not If she's been drilled by a big ass dick. Even just that question of like how many partners you've been with. It's like you are curious and I understand every human being is curious. But you don't actually want to know the truth. >> As soon as she says he was bigger but you're better, you all you think about is he was bigger. You don't think about anything else. Cuz we're dudes and we're prideful ████ and we're ████. Well, we don't even I guess like with me and Smeg, we don't even like thinking of like other people
8:31 we've been with in conversation with each other. That's just not a Like who why? Yeah, we only do that on JK. Yeah, you have you're forced to. But like why would you like want that to be the topic of conversation with your wife or girl? Like if it doesn't need to be. I think that there's always that early conversation where you go, "Okay, let's go body count. Let's just get this out the way." You remember You ever do that? Yes, but like when you're really young. Every time Every time I've done that it would I wish I hadn't done it. So I'm like I just know now that like I don't care. >> You knew too many dancers. No, I actually dated very little. You think it's because he goes in in his own mind he goes, "Man, I wish I wish she had my ex's titties and my other ex's ass." And then so he's projecting like he's worried that she's like, "He's perfect but his dick is not like John's." You know? I don't think that she's even being specific in her own mind. He's
9:22 making it a bigger thing. >> He's the one that's forcing it to be an issue to her. Well, cuz she said it's above average, right? So then now she What's but her She said that verbally. Yeah, but what's her problem? Is like she's now feels like a liar. Like she needs to get to him and be like, "Actually, you're a small motherfucker." >> She had to go vent somewhere so I think that's why she went to Reddit. It's like maybe on her own she's never even thought about it and filed it in her mind where everyone >> Never a big deal. He made it a big deal. How often are you sitting around and like putting all your exes in order by like who had the biggest ass like Yeah, I was categorizing. Your girl's like I want you to put it in order. Where do I stand? It's like ████ you're forcing me to like do this thing I don't even like. >> way, we live with chicks like for long time now. Like when they masturbate and ████ like that, it's not they're using like 12-in ████ dildos. >> [laughter] >> This idea that they really want like you to be a massive ████ ████ mammoth
10:13 ████ is like hilarious to me. Cuz they're using their little fingers and like, you know, they have little ████ hands. Hey, somebody's buying those dildos cuz they keep making them. Well, they're it's mostly dudes, man. >> Your guys's aren't 12 inches? Dude, is that [laughter] Is it Is that true? >> Yeah. Yeah. The leading consumer of giant dildos are men? It's like yeah, gay dudes or like secretly closeted gay dudes. Dude, I saw one I saw one at this sex shop one time. It was called the Great American Challenge. Jesus. >> What the hell? >> It's like when you go to a restaurant you get like the giant like Philly sandwich you have to the challenge you have to eat it. Oh, it's sick. >> What were you buying in there? >> I would I It was in my It was in my plastic bag. I don't know how it got in there. >> [laughter] >> I was like, I kid me. Yeah, it would You're like, oh whatever. Yeah, I'll take it. >> It's fine. Whatever. It's a mistake. Have you seen the drilldo? No. It's like a It comes It's like a power drill and
11:03 the head of it is a big dildo. Figured that out. The opposite of the Dark Knight, huh? The other side of it. >> The opposite of Dark Knight is the light Joker. Yeah. The light Joker. That's like two sides of wormhole, dude. Like one side is taking it away, one side's pushing you out. Wormhole. Dark Knight's definitely taking it away. Chris for Nolan. Interstellar. I've always been small. >> How often are you in a position to see if they have a big dildo? >> No, like if you're talking to someone and then you know like they have toys. Yeah. Yeah, they don't have like giant ████ huge ████ dildos. Like a drawer full of huge ████ >> [laughter] >> Usually like vibrators and ████ that they don't even ████ put stuff inside. >> Like little ████ like gel pens and ████ >> They look like little beans. Little magic bullet. >> Yeah. Or or they're hiding them so so to save my >> Dude, do you know what's happening right now? And Anthony said he's like, "Nina
11:53 only has gigantic ████ huge ████ dildos in her closet." >> you guys don't have 12-in dildos? We have three. Honey, where's my anal dildo? Where is it? Where's the supersizer? >> Hey, would you be scared of How would you feel if one day you overheard your dad yelling that from like upstairs to your mom? [laughter] SHERRY, WHERE THE ████ IS THE GRAY DILDO? WHERE THE ████ THE GRAY DILDO? >> [laughter] >> YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE vine of that old grandma outside on the bed with the monster that's under my and pulls out like a ████ 16-incher. Oh my god. That was that was sick. You know guys get really mad and insecure about dildos? Guys get really mad and insecure? That's why they're like they don't like it when their lady that they're with is has a dildo. They don't need a dildo, they got me. Oh, sick. That's like when the girl's like, "Hey,
12:44 you don't need porn, you got me." And it's like, "Try a long-term relationship." You think that ████ helps? It's like, "I wish you made out with your best friend with a dildo between your mouths. Then I wouldn't need porn." >> [laughter] >> Dare you test me. It's also probably offensive if it's like a different color and they're racist. That's pretty good. Or like Or like Or they named them. They named their dildo after their ex-boyfriend. Oh, okay. It's labeled on there? Yeah. But the Deshawn? Deshawn. But the black one was on sale. Just like black Santa. It's always Just like black Santa. >> on sale. Yeah. Black Santa? Black Santa can't be on sale. They would have to make way less of those. The price point would have to be higher. No, black Santa's on sale. It's always on sale. I have a nutcracker collection, bro. I know how it goes. >> [laughter]
// end of tape