0:00 [Music] you guys ever get anything stolen from your house yup yeah hell yeah yeah what's the most recent thing wasn't it your ████ ████ your bike uh oh yeah that's the most recent yeah my honda ruckus right out of the garage it's a shared garage so it's like it's one of those things where it's like is it the the maintenance people the like inside job yeah do you think it was do you know i don't know you heard anything about it since nope well you did a police report right i did but then like they give a ████ the dude was just training a cop on how to ████ file a police report how to not file one i saw um it happened when i was uh seven my grandparents are over and everyone's taking like their afternoon nap and i was gonna go to the garage to um ride a bike and when i go in the garage
0:52 i see these kids like trying to pick my grandpa's bikes lock and they took my bike and then so i ran in i grabbed my grandpa and we ran out they were able to get that lock open somehow so they took the bikes and then me and my grandpa were just running down the sidewalk and then uh that bike ended up just disappearing because they're just running they were running not using the bike [Music] hey use the bike dude that's so ████ sad yeah i was like seven is that your first uh witness of like thievery like just someone taking something of yours yeah the thing is um the it was like a like a suburb type of community so it felt like um ever it was really small so one of the bigger kids i was like wait i think i've seen that kid with some other kid before so when i went back to the park shout out to
1:43 friendship park um wow we i asked around and then we found out where the kid lived and then so he called the cops we ended up getting the bike back which is cool wow oh you got it back yeah we got it back but then when we got there i remember even being as a kid i felt um because you know when you're a kid you don't really have that much insight but i remember even as a kid when i arrived at that person's house i felt bad for the kids family already like i felt like oh these actually weren't bad kids they their environment's bad like they probably have alcoholic father or generational gangs or whatever i was like i was like oh ████ no wonder they would have kids like this but you still took your bike back huh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and they got you know they got all the they gotta learn the consequences to learn you know me if they're young too so when i was in eighth grade we came home one time and uh
2:33 the door the front door was like was was locked but then our kitchen door it was like a screen door and was wedged open with a slipper and the door was was broken into and we found all the stuff stolen it was like my dad's laptop was stolen there was a box of donuts that we had that we bought from the store that was sealed and it was what's up intimates i don't know actually but it was it was ripped open and there was a bunch of donuts taken out and it was a fresh box so we were like okay sentiments and go in the bathroom in my bathroom some dude took a ████ in the bathroom no toilet paper did it flush just left a ████ log and then was like rifling through a bunch of ████ like the house was a mess it's like these ████ donuts
3:23 [Music] raspberries he's like that's not even a donut it's a ████ sheet [Laughter] this guy was like he stole a bunch of cash from my like my dad's house my dad's room and then just stole a bunch of like random earrings from my mom's well they had time that's just something he took a ████ in your bed yeah ████ at my bathroom like a kid's room oh he's like this will be hilarious ████ drop the deuce and then that was it does it feel like uh invasion of pride oh yeah that was the second time that's happened too within like three years what city was this you know don't say it somebody's stealing all
4:14 your donuts and taking chips in your house that was a that was the second time our house got robbed wow wow yeah yeah but the guy took her ████ in my bathroom you know he left it he didn't flush it second that's crazy and i was like and my mom goes yeah you deserve this you deserve it when i live when i live with my dad in armani uh my car broke into twice one week right after the other oh like did you have to like fix the window right when you fix it broke again nah that one was completely my bad because this was like during my raver days where i had like a 12-inch subwoofer in like my trunk right oh yeah so like all the older homies are like when you're like two blocks away from your house stop bumping your ████ you know that's what they always tell but then when you're like a kid you don't listen to anyone even the older homies so as i come home every single day i'm just bumping f yeah ████ loud
5:05 as ████ i pull up into you know my dad's house there's that little canopy thing i would pull up in there and then the first time i came out um it was like window shattered um what does it call it all like my subwoofer taken out all that stuff and then we got it fixed i'm all right cool but i'm still but i don't have a subwoofer anymore i'm still bumping me he's like a ████ dumbass and then this time i come out and my door was just slightly ajar oh and i'm like oh ████ and i was like did i like not took the radio no well they took uh so i was i didn't have a cell phone time my dad had a cell phone that was gone uh my friend left his video camera in my trunk that was gone i had a yearbook because it was senior year and i had all these people uh signing it oh that i didn't get a chance to read they took a yearbook dude they took my yearbook because they probably wanted to see it sign it and read all the great if you
5:56 took a ████ and closed it the saddest part is one of my favorite donuts man the saddest part is one of my favorite teachers in my whole life mrs kumara um she's like one of the few teachers that really believed in me i remember seeing her write a whole page in there so i couldn't wait to read that shout out to mrs mark apple and i was like oh ████ man and uh that sucks yeah cause those those things on my mat's worthless to you an ████ dude and then all maybe they went to your high school maybe they read it and it's like you'll never make it you piece of ████ bart quan you always sat in my class with those ████ eyes never paying real attention always in your own world trying to help you and then this guy's like i can't let this little kid read this ████ it'll ████ him up forever he'll never do jk
6:46 how's that for shout outs miss kimura she spared you pain like alfred in the dark knight i still liked her she's just the best same thing video camera had like your parents having sex on it it's like yo dude you can't see this jack that ████ that's my friend's video camera yeah why was your friend filming yeah that's true so the reason i ask is because i know there is a reason really short one though here's the theft that happened in texas i believe yeah i love rain camera footage so a lawn mower was um stolen from a home here and what makes this remarkable is that before the thief took the lawnmower away he mowed the front and he filled up again why because he's on meth probably yeah yeah they deserve some energy wait like why don't you wake up when someone starts mowing your lawn in the middle of the night is that it looks like in the middle of the night mode is long dude hey what would you do though
7:36 if you woke up and you're like are you mowing my lawn thank you both of front and back yard and then he took it to mow the neighbor's lawn nobody could hear that and then you just take yeah like look at him he's still mowing that's a big lawn this guy's tweaking dude yeah he's tweaking for sure was he picking up newspapers right now what are you doing that's some crackhead-ass ████ dude or that's the way you do steal a lawnmower so people don't think it's suspicious the ████ in the middle of the night too that's on though everyone's gonna hear that and see you he's tweaking his phone well i guess uh the people weren't home huh yeah because there's no way they would have been home and they ████ this is why you got to set your right or did he not really turn it on if he's oh no it's working yeah it's worse it could just be pushing oh it's actually put in the grass yeah he actually did a good job uh so yeah they ended up seeing him like like running down the street with it they chased him he was trying to drag it got
8:27 caught a lot more went back to the house probably the weirdest theft that is the ████ weirdest that's some crack behavior dude yeah it is or maybe that's his own way of justifying the theft it's like if i do some good deeds one last lawn [Laughter] well his lawn would look nice until he has to replace it or it's like why'd you steal my lawnmower it's like dude you didn't even need to cut your grass you don't need it i mean that's a good way to see if it's a lawnmower worth stealing is you just do a test drive or he goes or he goes look i'm gonna i'm gonna mow the lawn and then by the time you have to mow it again i'll return it we don't know what his intent was yeah or just almost lawn and then by the time you you know you get enough money you won't have to worry about a s█████ lawn for a while who gets inspired to steal a lawnmower in the middle of the night
9:17 out of all things there was a bicycle in there there was a lot of things he could have just grabbed crackheads man that's about it where is this at i like the idea that it's like you got to test out the product before it was in texas he's like this is a good llama i like the idea he's stolen a bunch of lawn mowers and it didn't work and he's like nah ████ that ████ because you put the gas in it himself starts it takes did he bring his own gas no that's the gas that was on the property i would be less mad right if what because he mowed the lawn already this is why you get your neighbors to like watch your ship i would feel less threatened because he's clearly not the worst criminal that's what i'm saying like i'm like less there's something so he's just like an off dude he's not like a career like you know like a mastermind he's not like your guy who took a ████ in the kid's
10:07 bathroom yeah that's yeah he was ted bundy dude you know what i mean for sure that was so ████ up ████ like that too i didn't think that uh before i even told you guys why i brought that up i would hear something way worse than this guy you know what's funny is like people when i told that story everyone's like response i'm surprised no one else said it here but we're all adults but people would always be like they couldn't get dna evidence from the ████ oh and i was like wow i don't think that's how that works i also think we've heard enough news to know that that's not the way people don't even give a ████ yeah they all have dna and then they're like i guess it's a cold case so when when the cops finally came to like survey the house did they actually show up the cops yeah but they were very like yeah well and you left it unflushed yeah did you show it to them yeah i held i was like officer what do i do with all
10:57 this here's what we should do we ate some of it i have a i have a theory maybe maybe try this if anything ever happens to you god forbid you get robbed or something when the cops show up you see [Laughter] on the down though but i'm kind of a senator's son oh ████ so uh if we can just keep that between my dad is gas cone who could speed this up i think it only works for white people well i'm gonna try and i'll let you guys know i just i just like imagining nick like walking out of his room when the cops talk his parents and he's like don't worry i think we got these guys come here take a look [Music]
11:50 [Applause] [Music] you
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