0:06 Welcome back to another episode of Cabin Boys. You got NICK DONE. NICK THE [cheering] Dick done. Wish that was my nickname. >> We got Jason Channer. Channy Channy Channy You're going to like this one, Bart 10. Why? Bart 10. Okay, let's say you have unlimited budget. What is your dream home defense setup? YOU GOT A MOAT? DUDE, THE first thing I would do is I would have a separation of drywall around the whole house. What do you mean? Like double drywall? >> wall is just to nothing? So you're on a regular home, it'll be like the frame of the drywall, it's like I don't know, 6 in or 8 in apart from [clears throat] one side to the other side. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would want it where it's like a like a hotel lobby, you know how there's like a glass door and another glass door and there's like
0:57 6 to 8 ft to keep the weather out. I would want that all the way around because my goal is when the red alert happens ████ steel doors come down and I can trap the bad guy wherever when he's trying to Like being trapped in a ATM vestibule? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before the bank starts? So like let's say the house with you. Yeah, so like my most prized possession that's in my most prized possession is like my Pokémon card or whatever. As soon as he lifts it a steel door goes on on the outside, but he doesn't know that yet. So now he's trying to make his way out and when he gets to the steel door he's like, "What the hell?" and then the steel door close behind him. And then And and then a bottle of baby oil drops from the sky. Yeah. Rub off. >> [laughter] >> The guy after that. What in your home defense setup, what
1:48 what are you able to do with that guy once he's trapped? I don't know, I got to I got to have a >> [laughter] >> loopholes. But I just I All right, you you take it from here. >> [laughter] >> What what do you take? So you now the home defense system has a guy trapped in between two unbreakable doors. What's next? Yeah. The one with the ████ two cupids. Okay. That that she puts yeah. I I have a intercom. Okay. Inside. I go I go take off your clothes. >> [laughter] >> No, slowly. Shirt first. >> [laughter] >> He's like I go like this, "Yes." >> [laughter] >> And he goes, "Are you Asian?" "No." >> [laughter] >> That's his first question. Oh god, are you Asian?
2:39 >> [laughter] >> Why you think that? Why you think that about me? What made you think that? And he goes, "6'7". >> [laughter] >> 6'7"? What the ████ is happening in here? So the dude now is naked standing in that trapped area. What else you going to do? Okay, and there is a baby oil. Okay. Yeah, and yeah, baby oil comes down and I say put it on, right? >> Okay, all right, he's >> [laughter] >> Right. And then you unleash fire ants. Oh, wow. >> Mosquitoes. >> Like 30,000 of them. 30,000 30,000 mosquitoes and fire ants. >> You're going to contaminate your house? No, no, I'm going to have farms that are completely contained just like the Wuhan labs where nothing can leak. Wuhan Wuhan defense, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wuhan defense. He's like And then I go back on an intercom I go eat eat all of them.
3:30 >> [laughter] >> There's more. He's got to eat his way to survive? One of my favorite Chinese tortures that my mom taught me about is like back in the day when for prisoners of war they would lock them in a a stone cave. In a stone cave there'd be a vat of sesame oil. Oh. >> it. Wait, what's the problem? So >> [laughter] >> So you're so So you're so hungry and thirsty that you'll just start drinking the sesame oil, but the problem with the sesame oil if you just do just that you're going to have diarrhea. So you have diarrhea which means you're more dehydrated so you want to drink some more. So So it's a cycle of hell. >> Yeah, so you would just I'll do that and then I go, "Chinese time." And I put THE SESAME OIL. CHINESE [laughter] CHINESE TIME. You're going to have a stranger in your house for a month just living there. I don't think he's going to last that long.
4:20 Sesame oil is expensive, dude. Are you going to do the toasted sesame oil? Oh yeah, yeah, that's the good stuff. Keep him on. Keep him on. It like prolongs your life, but it's a horrible life, right? He might last I don't know, 4 or 5 days, but he'll he'll just be stuck between those two metal doors. Oh my god, Chinese. And all they wanted to do was like steal a TV and they're like, Charizard, dude. What I would do is I would just keep a door slightly cracked so it's like always open. Then he doesn't know though. Bucket on top full of honey. Yeah, yeah, and then you release bees. Let them do the work. >> you just build a hive around him and he's just like a master of bees. OH WAIT, IT'S BACKFIRING ON HIM. [laughter] HE'S THE QUEEN BEE. THEY MAKE him queen. >> [laughter] >> He's like, "I love my life now." Have you guys seen some of the home defense ████ that they do in South
5:11 Africa? What do they do? Dude, it is crazy. Like the ████ that we're dreaming of They do it there. Standard. Yeah. >> Why would they need that there? Like uh well, their crime is crazy. Like next level crazy. I was just as baiting you. >> [laughter] >> Like I seen how like it looks like uh The Purge. Where like when ████ hits the fan these big ████ roll up metal doors just go boom. And then blow torches come out. ████ And then Chinese time. You want to BE THE ROAST DUCK TODAY? >> [laughter] >> TODAY I AM HAVING roast duck and you're the duck quack quack. Chinese time. >> [laughter] >> Imagine having a blowtorch at your door. And then like every ████ that comes up That's probably where they got it from. What if their home defense is just from
6:02 Home Alone? And they just That's what they picked it up from. Yeah, they thought it was an action flick. They didn't know it was like a comedy. That blowtorch on the head is pretty clutch. >> [laughter] >> Bad guy does go Or when he's like electrocuted becomes a skeleton for a second. >> [laughter] >> One long nail. All All their doorknobs are hot. >> [laughter] >> I would like to add a racist element. Oh Oh, okay. Chinese time wasn't racist enough? >> [laughter] >> So depending on what the race of the the thief was Okay, let's say he's Indian. If he's Indian, then they'll he'll have to have the biggest red dot ever that he has to put on his forehead and then I have to give him like some racist Indian clothes to wear. >> [laughter] >> Put it on. >> Yeah, or if it's like an Armenian guy, then I have like a big bowl of hummus comes in. Just whatever he
6:52 >> Say it's a Latina. Latina, then it's like a a green card behind like bulletproof glass that she can never grab it. So it's the kryptonite of that culture. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the kryptonite of that culture. >> What if it's a Like a black guy? The juiciest watermelon you've ever seen like that. >> [laughter] >> No, it's a it's it's Jordans. It's limited Jordans. Yeah. What if it's a Brazilian guy? A Brazilian? Yeah, acai bowl. No, it's it's it's it's women with a nice butt. Yeah, big booty [laughter] big booty women and then as soon as he touches the booty the guy turns around has a goatee. Screen that shows that baile funk is playing, but it's muted. >> [laughter] >> OH, COME ON, MAN. TURN IT UP, PLEASE. But I want to ████ with their minds so hard before before they die. Regular white guy? Where can you get a
7:42 guy like that? I'll just show a black guy in the mirror. Release [laughter] the other black guy YOU CAUGHT LAST >> [laughter] >> JEROME, I WON'T DO IT AGAIN. I'M SO SORRY. >> [laughter] >> HIS NIGHTMARE. WHAT IF IT'S A a Chinese stand-up comedian? Yeah, like what if What if you got Jason Chenny? And he's trapped in there. I'd just probably show him a bank account with $0 in it. >> [laughter] >> No, just show him debt and bad credit. >> 50-year mortgage. >> [laughter] [laughter] >> Dude, kill me. Kill me now. MORE ANTS. MORE ANTS. YEAH, I show him like four more mortgages he HAS TO PAY. >> [laughter] >> DEBT? THIS IS YOUR MONTHLY PAYMENT.
8:34 Your mortgage rate is 12%. >> [screaming] >> And your only your only gig you can get is Kill Tony Bucket. >> [laughter] >> He got TO DO A 1-MINUTE STAND-UP. >> 1-minute set now. Credit [laughter] score is 300. >> Oh, dude, good luck. That is a nightmare. What about Japanese guy? Japanese guy is caught in there, what are you going to do? Japanese guy? He's afraid of nothing at all. Yeah, bunch of California rolls. >> the regular Japanese guy or like what era is he from? >> [laughter] >> What Why would he be from a different era? Like he's afraid of Mongols. If it's like Ryan Higa, you just take a G-Shock and then you break it with a hammer. HE'S LIKE, "NO, [screaming] NOT THE G-SHOCK. Why would you do that to me?" >> What if it's a Japanese What if it's a Japanese guy from the '80s? Oh, that guy? >> It's a Supra that you're just smashing the ████ out of it. Oh, that one I think
9:24 that one's easier. That one you just like you got to show a picture of a Yakuza cutting off his finger. He's like, "No, not my fingers." Okay, what if it's a feudal Japan era guy somehow has robbed your house? Like a samurai robs his house? >> All right, robbed your house, yeah. That's easy. You You show him like you put Rogaine and then they grow the bald spot back. HE'S LIKE, "NO, I NEED TO KEEP IT BALD. THAT'S MY HONOR." >> [laughter] >> WHAT IF I KEPT THE SHAVE ON PURPOSE? >> What if it's one of the monks from Hacienda? Oh, that one? Yeah, one of the Chinese monks that you stayed with and he he knows he recognizes you and he's like, "Bart, it's me." >> [laughter] >> Those guys are nice though. Yeah, how do you but but he robbed you? Maybe. Uh, probably just show like some meat. Cuz they're vegetarian. Like a rack of lamb. Like a ribeye or something. What if it's Mitchell Eng, former mayor of Monterey Park? You caught him stealing. >> [laughter and gasps] >> What? How do you torture Mitchell Eng?
10:14 >> How do I torture Mitchell? Bring his rival. Yeah, this other politician. >> [laughter] >> His opposing, yeah. Ron Skolnick stealing your Pokémon cards. How do you torture him? Ron? Dude, Ron's so positive. That's hard, man. I don't know. ████ how do you do Ron? Every negative to a positive. Yeah, he's like the one of the most positive guys I've ever known. >> Ron Skolnick, when he's caught red-handed stealing your Pokémon cards. Yeah, maybe his family. But he's so positive. I don't know. He might see it as a good thing. Ooh, I get some me time now. >> [laughter] >> What if it's Steve Green? Steve Green got caught stealing your Pokémon card. He's caught. Take away all his crypto. Oh, Steve? You start buying a bunch of Solana. >> him down. You strap all of his this whole body down and then you just start plucking one hair at a time. >> [laughter] >> Like the last of his like HE'S LIKE, "NO!"
11:04 >> [screaming] >> WHAT ABOUT ANTHONY LEE? ANTHONY [laughter] Lee robs your house. If Anthony Lee You got him trapped. Yeah, how do you get this guy? Not being able to fly every day. >> Probably burn a a Kith t-shirt or something. Burn a Kith t-shirt. Wipe your ass with it. A limited Kith t-shirt. Take like a Supreme silver ware and just like bend it. >> [laughter] >> Supreme fork? A limited edition ████ travel camping Supreme kit. Who cares that much about that [laughter] stuff? All right, what if you catch Ken Win, stealing your stuff? I just keep taking footage out of THE RECYCLING BIN. >> [laughter] >> NO! MY LIFE'S WORK. AND JUST HAVE him like edit all these videos like 14 minutes long. >> [laughter] >> It's purgatory. Just keep Yeah, he's
11:54 like, "F███." Oh, man. All right, last one. What if it's a Filipino guy? Who him? A Filipino guy. Oh, me? [laughter] Yeah, you. Oh, no, you. It's your same house. A Filipino guy is trapped. How do you torture this guy? Filipino guys are tough, too. He's Filipino American, so it's even harder. Remind him of his heritage. >> [laughter] >> So you just show like cultural videos? He goes, "NO, I'M AMERICAN. NO!" You set up you set up a blackjack table and you just make him lose every single time. It's always deal dealer's always win, dude. Oh, no. Torture. This is a torture house.
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