0:00 I can't wait to abandon my children that's gonna be the goal of my life hell yeah I can't wait yeah little Japanese LeBrons yep yeah that's tight that's why I mean I don't have any kids yet but like I just can't wait for the day [Music] all right the uh hey since you're moving to New York you're going to want to know this New York Governor New York of New York signed the new bill into law that bans the sale of dogs cats and rabbits from stores you can't buy a dog or cat no more where you get one from a store you can't buy it from a retail store only Craigslist now I read about they're trying to like they're trying to stop like all the breeding and ████ right they're trying to stop because they said that all this all the retail stores that sell pets are still getting them from like bad places even though they say it or not so if they're like oh no we don't
0:50 buy from like backyard breeders we buy from these people they said they're all lying damn so they're like hey you know since you guys are all ████ lying now it's illegal so now is it only adopt at like shelters shelters or like he said Craigslist or going straight to a breeder like actually going to a breeders yo like like a Petco like a general manager just going up to like the hood like hey Dante yeah like what type of like pit bulls you guys yeah you hit up your drug dealer you're like hey man I'm gonna need three cats you got that Palm I want that Russian dwarf three hamsters that's wild to think that even it's such a large Metropolitan City like that something like that would happen yeah and it is kind of unfair a little bit to some uh there are some pet stores that have never had a single violation of any type
1:40 and they are sourcing their pets from like ethically sourced pets and then they're like what the ████ man like we have a perfect record and we're getting slammed too they got free range dogs I say good you say good tired of pets future New Yorker that's your opinion I'm not gonna have a pet no more bro done with Pat what happened to you my life with pets you know I grew up with with dogs uh I I had girlfriends who had pets they had to raise their dog like it's a whole it's a whole I'm done with like raising animals it is a kid yeah that's it this is the first time in my life that I haven't had anything like that to take care of and I do miss it but it is free yeah because I could travel whenever the ████ I wanted there's a lot of responsibility to take care like and it's and it's not like my child and your pet is your pet yo like I know people have a dog like it's like my baby it's your dog it's your pet okay
2:30 hold on yeah because pissed off your folks out there you're gonna poke certain people but I'm letting people know like yo there's still an animal it's not a it's not a human being I like this Chris it's hot and spicy It's Not a Human Being yo like it's you're not gonna you're not gonna have to might not be a human but it might be family I get it yo I get it like they have emotions yeah they have more but yeah they do absolutely yo but I'm gonna have more responsibility more care for my child my son my daughter over a dog yeah like why not okay so I've actually been thinking [Music] it'll be survival of the fitness like half of them will die right away there's places like that though a bunch of countries yeah they're like dogs what can we live together I went to the zoo
3:21 like couple weeks ago and I was like is this okay yeah she's all holding a giant Slurpee she's got the ████ monkey backpack what the ████ it hat in the hippo eyes she's like is this okay so I gotta do something I need to buy a bike right now but it always gives you that he's weird and I'm like why why why do we can we but then when you go to the chimpanzee side it's so fun that it becomes like I see why we do it when you see a chimpanzee and he grabs ████ dirt throws it on his homie and ████ laughs you're just like oh this is why we see that's tight that's like having a Pokemon but just having a dog [Music] let me see like a Komodo dragon walking through like that's pretty tight you
4:11 know what I mean but no you're but what if you had a a really good dog where you're just like giving it like different commands and they go bite somebody for you they protect you it's probably gonna shed it's probably gonna have still like dander stuff you know I mean allergies that's right but see the key is if you have parents and they stay put in a place and you leave your dog with them if you could do that then get a dog I will consider a pet turtle it's not getting a dog that's getting your parents yeah abandoned and you borrow it when you want to and then you bring it back when you borrow it when you want to oh that's nice yeah yeah that's the key to life same with children you could probably pop out a kid or two if you had parents and just leave them no my mom no no my mom said I am no no no popped out she's like I am not your babysitter
5:02 she's like I'm starting my life now oh and I appreciate that I was like you know what I respect that you you we all deserve to be free yeah you don't ████ out hers you're like dude kiss me ask about a grandma and it's just weird that you're not present I don't know I have a line of women in my family that are willing to take care of my children and adopt them a line of women I'll just be like hey who wants to take what's on Sunday all right all right bye-bye I have a 80s phone that I use yeah who wants to take my baby today all right thank you very much bye bye wow I can't wait I'm already making plans who's in this line of women yeah I can't wait to abandon my children that's gonna be the goal of my life hell yeah I can't wait no Japanese LeBron yep yeah that's tight that's why I mean I don't
5:53 have any kids yet but I just can't wait for the day that's like you're going to Harry Potter School this one's gonna stay with Grandma like spread them out yeah and then this is how you get your kids to love you is you deprive them and then they go where's when's daddy gonna come home and I come home and they're like I love you so much Daddy I'm like I know you do but don't get too comfortable because when they're too comfortable that's when they don't ████ listen to you you see that's the key to life what if you're not around again that sounds like issues so tell me about your relationship with your father [Laughter] the old white man came out
6:43 yeah Long Island psychiatrists I'm sitting a little bit of trauma here something didn't go quite right you're not supposed to do that these are not normal baby [Laughter] yeah I was almost up by the way you want to play strawberry sandwich I got an extra pastrami sandwich I could cut this in half it turned Italian for that moment tell me about to fall though it's so ████ weird we're seeing a little bit of an abandonment with you dude oh ████ it's called modern parenting oh that's modern that's very modern that sounds ancient is it modern modern
7:37 future issues pet fishes pet turtles that's cool so I have a pet story to stay on track there you go so let's that's cute we're gonna stay on track yeah let's let's stay on track today Andrew Bart's not here but so my sister she has two kids right she gets them little hamsters she gets a girl hamster for her girl a boy hamster for her boy so cute and then they start ████ yeah they're actually brother and sister she like got them together and then they're like the real you put them in a cage boom girl gets pregnant she calls me she's like I don't know what to do the hamster's pregnant and I'm like okay just like look up what to do and so she had to separate them the mom had the babies we had to get the dad out of the the dad will eat the kids yeah if he stays in there so she separated them mom raised the babies it's going super well all the babies are
8:28 healthy they're good but you're only supposed to keep them in there with the mom for two weeks you got to keep them in there long enough where the mom can nurture them but then you gotta separate the boys and the girls again eating each other again yeah so the babies eat each other yeah or no then we'll kill her babies so they're ████ up houses reconed themselves too much so she she separated it was two weeks with the mom the babies then she separates the boys and the girls hamsters so we got like 12 cages two more hamsters in there have babies she has right now she has about 24 hamsters at her house right now and she has no clue what to do with them and she tried going to the pet stores she doesn't want to let them outside that's she feels like super bad all she gotta do is get one snake she called yeah
9:21 damn one snake she called all the kids like school like all their friends like hey do you guys want hamsters no one wants them she thought about that though she put them up on Facebook Marketplace like anyone want a hamster but some lady was like I'll take them all and my sister's like you're gonna you're gonna feed them to your snake and the lady's like no I'm not and my sister's like show me proof and she's like no give me the hamsters and then how do you show proof of that I don't know she goes look at the snake cage no snake do you see a snake I don't give me the answer give him give me a 24 handy we're going to New York I can't listen man I'm leaving with some Hammy [Applause] you want some pastrami sandwich
10:12 same character tell us about your father bring it right back he's just in the session he gets on the phone to have that conversation if anybody got one snake I'm so surprised they just be ████ ancestral and they don't have any problems yeah we should live like that right is that what you're trying to say no I had that problem I have I had hamsters when I was a kid and it was the same thing boy girl I thought it was brother and sister like oh they would never multiply multiply multiplied they got social distinction for that kind of stuff and then uh uh they're humpsters and then um they uh I had to say they were kittens too like I had had a cat and she had baby hamsters and I'm kidding I was like
11:04 cool they had a like hello kittens too same thing like because we we had like uh like you know got a stray cat and then that that cat was just though still getting around like getting getting it you know somehow yeah eating it and then they ended up having kittens and ████ and then we had that problem like Okay who wants kittens and who wants to yes you had a whole Farm yeah man I wonder why you don't want pets anymore it all circles back we figured out what happened you got breathing trauma my last relationship she had a big ass ████ wolf dog and then she had a snake and then we had a pet cat and then I had a Chihuahua and then uh we we ended up adopting a a pig I'm surprised none of them hate each other yeah time the ████ out yeah Pig yeah how did that make sense with the wolf dog and the snake we were convinced we were convinced that this this it was a it was a mini pig like a
11:55 miniature pig which don't exist by the way it was just a baby it's just a baby pig oh you thought it was gonna stay outside yeah and I was like oh that's tight yo like I would have a little Pokemon a little slow poke you know what I'm saying right right right they grow up bro they did they bro this pig like in like two three months yo this pig would end up being like already like 150. and you kept it inside yeah yeah where did you live we had we're in Monrovia so we had can you potty train the pigs can you potty train apparently they're supposed to be like you know like once you once they have like one place where they pissing ████ like it's gonna be that spot not true that's not ████ everywhere no yeah yo and and then they they they squeal they squeal loud as ████ my sister had a did the same thing my sister my sister has animal problems clearly from these stories um but she got a miniature pig as well it was so cute little the black piggy
12:45 but it started eating the drywall oh no like she kept it in the base and then it was like small and it was so cute and I had so much fun with it but it just started it was time to go when you had the Pig when she had to pick you guys just like avoid bacon because that'd be ████ up right I ain't gonna lie yo this pig had a fat ass I was like every time would walk away I was like I'm gonna pork chop the ████ out of these but I didn't do that but we gave it back we we took the the pig to like a nursery like a pig Nursery like there's a pig Nursery yeah I think they're called Farms called Stater Brothers yeah Brothers yeah I'll take care of it right here [Music]
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