0:00 I was 11 years old and it was my birthday and I walked into my parents room because I wanted to order SummerSlam 1996 because Shawn Michaels versus Raz Raone Laser ladder match on pay-per-view and I that's what I wanted for my birthday. I I decided I was told that morning you can decide if you want to watch SummerSlam or we're going to go we could go to dinner at Chi-Cheese, which is my favorite Mexican chain restaurant at the time. We're a trash family, trust me. And I had decided I thought about it downstairs in the basement and I decided [clears throat] It's It's I do indeed want to watch Summerslam. And so I walked up the stairs and I opened the door and my mom is completely ████ naked and my dad is in bed with a ████ boner under the sheets. >> Like pitching a tent. >> Pitching a tent. >> But in the time that they said, "Go think about what you want." And when he did for like I don't know 10 15 minutes,
0:50 he came back. He was already aroused. >> Yeah. >> I mean they were about to summer slam right there, dude. >> Yes, sir. It was probably 30 minutes, but yeah. That's >> your mom's naked on her back or on her front. >> My mom is naked standing up and she immediately covers her tits and ████ like that. [laughter] >> That was like >> her tits and ████ >> Yeah, she did like a jump scare. It was like a jump scare. Like a haunted house jump scare. She like jumped. I'll never forget it in my life unfortunately. But she jumped to the right. Cover sits and ████ >> And what did you do? I actually want to watch SummerSlam. >> I was like Summerslam. I've made my decision. Summerslam 1996. [laughter] No, I did not. I immediately gathered what the ████ was going on, even though I didn't know what the hell. I was probably 10, 11. >> You knew what it was? >> It was 1996 when I was 11. Yeah. >> But you you know what sex was? >> No, definitely not. >> I was very late to that. >> You're just like, "Oh, no. I my my mom's
1:41 naked." That's all you saw. I see. >> Yeah. I was like, "Oh, I'm not supposed to see my mom naked." And then later on, cuz I was like I surmised that that was a boner. >> As you put the pieces together, >> I put the pieces together over time. I I had had like a whole chart. How old were you when you realized your dad had a boner? Were you like, "Holy s███." >> I was probably 16 and I was like, "Oh, right." >> Like, I remembered that memory and I was like, "Oh, yeah, >> that makes sense." I I genuinely though wonder what the hell was going on. Like, cuz my dad >> Were they about to? >> My dad had a boner under the sheets. My mom was standing there. So, was she like dancing for him or something? >> Yeah. Maybe it was like their foreplay, you know? >> Yeah. No music happening by the way. >> Whoa. >> Yeah. So, like >> that's kind of interesting. >> Could be. Yeah. Interpretive dance.
2:31 Maybe she's doing her approach, you know? >> Yeah. She's doing like a little gypsy moves and ████ ████ wiggling. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who knows what dialogue they were running to at that time? >> Was your mom like fit at the time? >> She has She had huge titties for sure. >> Sorry to make you think of that. >> No, please. It's fine. I can take it. >> I just want I just want to get an accurate [clears throat] read. >> Huge titties. Huge. Huge tits. Definitely huge tits. >> He's in bed like hubba hubba. [laughter] >> As long as I remember, my mom has had big titties for sure. >> He's pitching a tent. Can you imagine just pitching a tent laying there like, damn. [laughter] >> And your dad didn't say one thing. >> No. And they >> and and they never talked to me about it ever. >> Not one time. I like how he didn't try to hide as boner, but he's frozen with
3:22 his dick hard and pitch in a ████ tent. >> He just looked over like, "Oh s███." >> If you get blindsided like that, it's hard to like, what are you supposed to say? >> We can't think like we can't think when you got a full boner going on. >> We're just like, "Oh, f███." >> There's no blood in any part of his brain. Do you think it brushes all the way down to here? >> Yeah. >> And then you got to do a pop quiz in that moment. No way. [laughter] >> There's no way, dude. >> But then I got to watch SummerSlam and that was pretty tight. And then your parents probably doing it upstairs or whatever. >> I assume that I stopped another little brother or sister from happening. Honestly, >> really? >> Yeah. I think it made it too awkward. >> Oh, yeah. You probably killed it, huh? Were you the Oh, no. Your sister's the oldest, right? >> My sister's the oldest. >> Oh, so by that SummerSlam, all the siblings already were were out. >> Yeah. By 96, my all everyone was out. >> By that SummerSlam. [laughter] >> Well, he's right. >> So, you prevented their summer slam.
4:13 That's how we're like calendaring things. [laughter] >> Yeah. You prevented their summers slam. >> Exactly. Have you guys walked in on your folks? >> I did once. Um and then my dad was the one standing up. >> Oh. >> With his hard dick. >> Your mom. >> I didn't see my mom at all. I just remembered my dad was standing up and then he threw a pillow and WAS LIKE, "GET OUT." WITH HIS DICK HANGING OUT. WELL, he was like kind of covered up and then he threw a pillow and yelled at me. So then I ran >> and then afterwards my mom came up to me and was like, "We're going to talk to you about what you saw, okay? It's we all love each other and sometimes we need private time." >> Oh, that's cool. >> They didn't explain sex. They explained when [laughter] we're in there, don't go in there. >> That's so mature. >> Yeah, that's what they explained. >> I wish my parents were like that. >> They didn't They didn't say, "Oh, we
5:04 like to ████ f███." They were just like, >> "If this door is closed, don't open it." >> You know what's crazy? Your potter needs to not [laughter] >> in this day and age that might even be grounds for social services. >> What? >> I feel like in this day Yeah. I think in this day and age if you're like, "Wait, so you left your 8-year-old unattended while you guys are ████ >> But that's so ████ normal as a family, right?" But like it'd be like it'd be >> irresponsible parenting, I think, in this day and age. >> That's true. And it's funny that like kids are just they be walking in anywhere swinging every door open. Like you don't think you're going to see something that you're not supposed to at all. Dude, I ████ blocked the ████ out of my parents multiple times. Like I remember like looking back the ████ [laughter] out of dude. I was I had a nightmare and you know when you have a nightmare the first thing YOU GO IS,
5:55 "MOM, WHERE THE ████ ARE YOU?" RIGHT? So you just leave and then you're just like oh ████ You go you just ████ sprint toward the room. You kick down the door. And my dad was ████ ████ the ████ out of her, dude. His butt cheeks were ████ shaking. Blankets all ████ rattling and ████ >> He He had his hand in her hair. >> YEAH, DUDE. LIKE JUST POP BUTT CHEEKS WERE SHAKING. >> Do you remember seeing him go like full force like that? >> Well, he had a blanket on on top of her. So I like I looking back as an adult, I was like he was ████ busting in her like he was going right. And my dumb ass as a kid is like, "I had a nightmare." Like, of course, when he hears the door open, they they jump out and and I'm like, "I had a nightmare." And I ████ ran and dove in the middle of them. And then I remember going, "I need to sleep here tonight." [laughter]
6:46 Yeah. Your dad's probably like, "I'm beating his ass tomorrow." Dude, I like how you're the exact same guy now that you were when you were four years old. [laughter] >> A grown ass ████ dude. I need to sleep here tonight. I just I need you. [laughter] >> It's >> I can't do it. >> It's too scary. >> Same guy. >> Two ass guys like [laughter] >> and I think there's multiple times where they're they were ████ and I did that and I was like, I'm too scared. I can't do it. It's probably why he left. I'm out of here. He's a ████ bro. I cannot [laughter] ████ I remember when I was maybe I was four or five cuz my parents were still together at the time and then Yeah. It was one of those like nightmare or whatever. I jump in through the covers. So, you know how like when they're sleeping the covers are like this and you come in from the feet.
7:37 >> So, you you go under you crawl >> bugs bunny. >> Yeah. I remember crawling up and going, "Mom, why are you naked?" >> And then I remember my mom going like, "Your dad likes to take my clothes off." [gasps] >> And then I'm like, >> she blamed it on your dad, >> huh? >> She blamed it on your dad. like your dad cuz I you know that they're probably like doing like that flirtatious talk to each other >> but I'm just the one like so they're trying to make each other laugh and I'm like dad why would you do that you know she's going to catch a cold [laughter] >> damn you're irresponsible yeah I'm like you better put some clothes on and I remember the first time I realized uh uh that my dad had a boner was every time my dad peed I always wanted to join in and pee with him Mhm. >> And I remember he'd be peeing and I'm like, "Ah, he's peeing." So I run into the bathroom so I could pee with him and I'm like, "Wow, dad's dick looks like a
8:29 torpedo." And when [laughter] I got older, [cough and clears throat] I was like, "Oh, he was just me with a boulder." Yeah. >> Oh, dude. >> That's weird. >> Cuz I just remember being a kid going like, "I can't wait till my dick turns into a torpedo." [laughter] >> Oh, dude. >> Dude, I remember I used to hear my dad come home and then I'm like, damn, this guy can pee for 10 ████ minutes. And I was like, "That's insane." And then like later on in life, you just learn that you you can do that. >> Yeah. It's just normal. >> Yeah. It's just normal. And by the way, as a kid, you think it's 10 minutes, but it's like two. >> But but it's so long compared to your pisses that you're like, "What?" >> Yeah. It's cool. I The first time I had a long piss, I was like, "I'm a man now. ████ it. I'm a man." >> I felt like uh Tom Hanks in uh League of Their Own. >> Sick. >> I remember. >> Good reference. I remember uh my mom didn't let me pull it through the ████ pants like that cuz I thought that was what men do cuz you know that's
9:19 how you see your dad. You just ████ does. So I had to go to like a public toilet and I had to go all the way down to my ankle and pull my shirt up and then just go like this and I have to piss with both hands and ████ because she's like every single time you try to be a big boy and do that you piss all over your ████ shorts. >> Yeah, dude. You don't know how to do it right. Yeah. So I'd be like everywhere and you know like those uh public bathrooms that s███'s wet on the ground. So I remember I ████ busted that came back out my mom's like you peed on yourself and I'm like no I didn't. And I look on my butt it was covered IN OTHER PEOPLE'S PISS. >> CUZ YOU KNOW you [laughter] you put it all the way to the ground your ankle all ████ all the way down. Yeah. >> Yeah. All the way. >> Oh ████ dumbass kid dude. Sick. >> That's disgusting. You're just full of
10:09 other guys pee. >> Yeah. >> No wonder you don't get sick now. >> I [laughter] know that's true. >> Good god. >> Your gut health must be really nice, too. Got the homeless bacteria on me. Dude, I think that would have been traumatizing to walk in on uh parents that were like like if if my mom was giving head. >> Oh, like you throw 69 at each other or something. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> That would be crazy. I would be really traumatized cuz I wouldn't be able to make sense of >> it. If your mom's eating your dad's butthole or jerking him off, >> rusty tromboning him. >> Yeah. I think like it's more [laughter] traumatizing to see like first or second base. I don't know. It's weird. >> What if you walked in on your dad grabbing on your mom's titties? >> That I would understand, right? >> Cuz it just feels like uh you know like cuz that that you'll see in rated PG-13 movies, you know. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> That was a what we call a dehightening
11:00 Bart. >> All right. Okay. Okay. [laughter] It was a deh heightening. >> Yeah. I would be way more uncomfortable seeing like like a foreplay, >> a new sex act that you hadn't seen before. Like you know in movies they simulate sex so you kind of have seen it as a kid. >> Exactly. Yeah. >> But the ████ thing would be different. >> They don't show that ever. Yeah. >> They don't show the the ████ in the mouth. >> No. >> Ooh, that's crazy. >> Unless it's Brown Bunny. It's Chloe C of Shadow. Remember that movie? >> Interesting. No, I don't know what that guy, very weird guy, very quickly. He directed this movie with this chick named Khloe Civney. She was a very independent actress and he made her suck him off in a movie and like it ruined her career basically for like a decade. >> She was on the blacklist in Hollywood. Yeah. >> The guy who was directing it was the guy getting sucked and she made him suck his actual dick. >> He made her suck his actual dick and
11:51 came in her mouth on camera. All of it on camera. All of it. And he's like, "It's >> cuz he's a method actor." >> He's like, "It's an art film. It's method." Exactly. What a scumbag. That's awful. >> That guy doesn't really direct anymore because of that. But >> that's ████ crazy. >> All that just to get her to suck his dick in get funding and ████ >> And he nutted in her mouth on camera. >> That's crazy. >> Yeah, dude. But like he he explained to her. He's like, "This is such a pitiful scene for our characters. You have to understand the the romance is really percolated." Like all that kind of ████ >> Oh, so he had to like art justify every move of that >> art house, right? [laughter] There's this one girl I met in Hawaii and then um she she witnessed her own father have a heart attack while his while her mom was riding him. >> She witnessed all of it. >> Yeah. >> How did she witness that?
12:42 >> How much time was she watching? >> That's crazy. >> She was in the other room and then she heard screaming and crying and ████ in the bedroom. So she ran up. I think she was with her sibling or something and they opened the door and her mom was on top of her. her dad like she didn't leave with the dick inside everything just like >> and then like >> Yeah, >> that's the way to go though. >> And she was like screaming and crying and like wake up. >> Yeah, >> that's ████ >> That's crazy. >> Traumatizing on >> his dick was still in her >> I think so. Unless he got like soft when he passed, >> right? True. >> Or he stayed hard. I don't know. >> Maybe he got the rigger. >> Yeah, it might be rigger. >> That's confusing. Well, have you ever like not walked in on, but have you ever heard it happening in your house? >> Yeah, my roommates. >> You have? >> My parents ████ >> No, your roommates. Your mom and dad?
13:33 Yeah. >> No. >> My uh So, you know how growing up my mom would rent out the other rooms? >> Mhm. >> And so, one of the rooms she rented to this young this young dude. Um I was probably 10 or 11. And the dude, if I were to guess, between like 21 and like, I don't know, 25 maybe. >> Dang, your mom's going young. >> Well, she just rents them out. And so, whoever is going to need a room just comes and rents. So, sometimes we have old ladies, we have old dudes, young dudes, whatever. But this time it was like one of those young rich dudes that was uh going to move out for the first time cuz I remember cuz he had a BMW. And then uh I remember every time he would come home, he would always bring his girlfriend home and we would hear like crazy noises because no one else is home, right? My mom's at work or whatever. >> So I got used to that habit. So the next
14:23 time he'd come home, I would go across the street to my best friend's house. I'm like, "Hey, you got to come over and listen [laughter] to this." >> So he would come in and both of our ears are on the wall and we would just hear all kinds of crazy noises. >> What the heck? And then me and my friend, we don't even know what's happening, but we get boners too, just from listening. [laughter] >> And then and then they would leave like and then she would like they would go out and leave and we would just look at him with like those eyes [laughter] like you guys did something. I don't know what you guys did, but you guys did something. >> Have to do that around creepy kids that are just [laughter] trying to listen to you. >> Yeah. And we don't even know what's going on, right? >> But at that point, it's like discovery. It's like Marty McFly goes back and does Johnny be good and and Marvin Barry's like, "Hey, it's your cousin Marvin Marvin Barry." "Hey, Chuck, listen to this." And you're like, "Oh my god."
15:13 >> Right. >> That's the sound I've been looking for. >> When [laughter] when you lived with Ken, did you hear him getting it? >> No. >> I bet him getting like, "Oh, oh." [laughter] But I saw him tell his girl at the time, "Prepare your vagina cuz she came he came back from a long trip." And I was like, "That's how you ████ TALK TO HER?" >> WHOA. OH, I HOPE HE SMACKED HER IN THE mouth first, too. He's like, "Hey, ████ prepare your vagina." >> Ken when, bro, we're >> all eating dinner and he goes, "Prepare your vagina." >> He's like, "I'm about TO DELETE THAT ████ I'mma delete that ████ ████ tonight." >> Wow, dude. Let's go. >> I'm dragging it to the trash can, girl. [laughter] We love you, Ken.
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