0:00 [Music] and welcome back to another exciting episode of the careful boys well we're extremely careful very very very very very careful i'm gonna get a little bit more personal again and the prompt today is the worst thing you ever lied about we'll not have to worry about that we're dumbest or dumbest we can go dumbest dumbest don't miss dumbest thing i lied about this one took a little bit of preparation because i suppress most of my lives until they become truths do they become truths yeah because he's delusional okay i'll give you a warm-up one i'll start so it's easy uh my parents told me never to tell a
0:51 stranger what my name was like never talk to strangers don't if they ask your name they anything don't talk to them so i got lost at uh at fedco when i was four years old they couldn't find me and then so i went to the front desk and they were like yeah just tell us your name and then we'll we'll uh page your parents they'll come right i know what you're trying to do you're gonna get me that meat ████ my mom warned me about this goddammit like i told her my name was jason because i saw in sesame street that morning there's a cool tap dancer named jason from jason now that you're older you know he wasn't cool and they just kept going well jason's parents please come in the front your son's lost my parents never ████ showed up because your parents they're probably like just oh so many kids today is like
1:42 so many kids are being lost oh that one's not ours don't worry that is a different one they came like super late and they were like why did you say your name was jason you idiot like you told me not to tell strangers my name but then you hang out with the strangers the whole time that's the best one that's the dumbest thing i lied about there's a critical flaw in their logic i hope that they knew that yeah i mean oh i know the dumbest thing a lot about so like i remember like fifth grade or sixth grade that's when uh like dying her hair started to come in and everyone was using like they're like bleaching sun or sun exactly right and then specifically the bangs i'm like yeah i'm like ████ i don't know if i can like show up and then have my hair be blonde and then my parents go hmm i don't notice anything different you know and then that's when i found
2:32 out about sun in where you just slowly like spray right and every day it's like fading a little bit so i had sprayed a little bit by little and i remember like i'd be eating dinner and my mom's like your hair getting lighter snow and then it would slowly get like lighter lighter and lighter and pretty soon it was like just like my veins are completely blonde right and she's like what the ████ is going on with your hair i'm like oh ████ you know what happened i think i bought my friend's helmet and he had like hydrogen peroxide that's so elaborate what's stupid and i was like and now that i think about it i do remember this tingly feeling when i was riding my bike and i was like i hope it's not getting bleached hydrogen peroxide like you should see my
3:23 friend and your friend's like just a ████ bald head with his eyeballs coming out he's like kill me let me die hydrogen peroxide in my health and every day why do i do it to myself i gotta go i gotta go with it no he said it makes the bike faster i should just hide in his helmet damn that's a pretty ████ rock star lie dude okay so i was i for context i grew up with mostly like my mom and then my two older sisters were about seven and six and seven years older than me so i grew up with like three moms of ████ so i would i was getting in trouble all the time i was probably in like fifth grade i was mad at my mom because she ████ beat the ████ i mean she like i was ████ around she smacked me up so i want to get back at her right i want to get back so she had a little like a
4:13 drawer in the living room and i took a sharpie and i thought i was really gonna ████ stick it to her by doing this i took the sharpie and i wrote her name just on it on what on just the bottom of the the cabinet just in the drawer i just wrote her name in a sharpie ████ you and her name is margaret but i spelled it as mar great because i'm stupid right you're ████ dumb dude this is a vengeance plot hold on hold on it's gonna get better okay so so i do this i do this a couple days later my mom goes nick and i'm like what she's like get in here and i walk in i'm like what like what are you talking about like what she pulled i see the drawer open and she's like did you do this and i go what is that i do that
5:04 what ████ going for the eyes bro i'm squinting like no i she's like did you do this and it's clearly my hand right it's ████ fourth grade handwriting you know it's clearly my handwriting and the name is entendre my sisters are way older and ████ right they're like they all ████ knew they saw it they ████ stitched on me and ████ i'm looking at and she's looking at me like you ████ did this and i go i don't know what you're talking about i just keep the nice cold and then she beat my ████ ass the rest of the day yeah that was one of the dumbest things i ████ lied about i have plenty of things as long as you never never let up on the live yeah i was like what are you talking about and it's it's still in my mom's house today you know what i'll take a picture i'll take a picture graffiti kid strikes again
5:54 tell her to take a photo right now send it to you i want to text her right now that wrote that called you great ingenious ocean 11 heist i did remember when i was baby banksy i can't believe she beat your ass i would be in tears laughing so hard she wrote happy mother's day under it it's hard to make it's my heart i ate his ass while she was laughing no she wasn't laughing she was like this my kid is stupid that's what she was like my kid is a ████ dumb get you get angry though because you you're like okay this is going to lead to the next lie next time ignore me we can't musical grab a ████ delivery wild has to go appears delivery too soon we love you right ████ it keep it in there easter egg easter egg dude dude marguerite oh my god
6:45 like a uh steal some ████ oreos and he just hid behind the counter and i was like what are you doing back there and you don't even see him he's just like nothing oh my god this ████ so i go i'm like did you steal oreos and he has ████ crumbs all over his face no i'm like oh it was so cute but you had to get him in trouble i'm like i got smacked in the butt you lied to me i'm like i told you if you if you ████ up i don't care but if you ████ up and you lie i'm like that's gonna smack you so i smacked him in the butt and then you ████ flew like six feet flew right back into the bag of oreos you had more oreos volleyball served you guys ever have a situation where like your friends are a little bit like more grown up than you so they more know sick like they know more sexual ████ bad words whatever right and then like you
7:36 don't want to be the innocent one so like you pretend like oh yeah you know what that is right so like i was at my friend's house and they're all talking about like sex and ████ and like i don't know what the ████ that is like we're like in fourth grade or something right and he's talking about condoms and then like and they're like you don't know what a condom is like oh no no i know we have it at the house and they're like oh yeah and i was like ████ i don't know what it is but i don't want to seem stupid right and then they're just talking about it and i was like well but tell me what does it look like because i'm thinking maybe i could go into the medicine cabinet or like i can find this thing and then show them like i have it because we were talking about like oh we should get one and we can all like kind of look at it and they're talking about yeah there's check it out we can all use one together like once that's like banana and then all this stuff and i'm like how the ████ do these guys know this and my
8:26 parents didn't tell me ████ right but then the whole time i'm like man yeah ████ i know what a condom is and i think they caught on to my lie so they kept pressing me about it and i was like no you tell me if you know cause i'm like give me as much description as as you can give me so i can find this ████ ████ i need to shoot this thing right and then they call me out on it they're like go ████ home right now go get some for us and i'm all like all right ████ because i think at this point i have enough information for me to go and identify what this thing is right so i run home sanitizer and i'm like going through all the ████ cabinets i'm like ████ i can't fail this ████ and look like a little ████ right and then my mom's like what are you looking for and i'm like condoms and i'm just like looking i don't know it's like bad i need them now you weren't even close to what they were if you said that to your mother that was like condoms and she's like
9:16 she was getting like ████ mad like why do you need that you don't need this and i'm like no i do i do i do can you imagine like making a mess in the house dude i gotta buy condoms and then she grabs my dad and they're like worried because i'm okay like the way you you know it probably looks like a fourth grader is going to go and ████ a girl yeah and then he looks like that they haven't had that talk what's your bust dude yeah i'm killing it and then i'm like i go to the kitchen i'm like we need it it's it's okay it's like a rubber it looks like this there's a it kind of like a glove but just one and then like you put it into them like they don't know what god does it's the one thing it's a new thing stop ████ with me dad i need some one finger glove my ████ reputation right and then like they're like no you're not going back out and i'm like no no and
10:07 then i and i find something in the kitchen i grab a handful and i'm like this i needed this and then i just ████ bone out i go back right and i come back they're all waiting for me i ████ throw it down and then they're like joseph those are rubber bands this straight up bags dude no rubber bands oh bam cause in my head i was it's rubber there's you know it bands around it's ████ put put it around your dick so i grab rubber bands but the thick ones that you get at the grocery store for your vegetables the ones that hold the lobster ████ yeah like those the blue ones with expiration yeah it was like that and i was like well i don't know about the balloon part but maybe this is like close enough so i ████ i threw it on the ground like bam and then they started dying bro
10:58 they were ████ dying and then they were all like let's put on our condoms guys and then like putting it on and like and then so they they're laughing and then so they told their mom like and then um you know their mom's like this young like cool like ████ like kind of like gangster mom like she didn't give a ████ and she started dying and the whole family was making fun of me laughing at you everyone had a cool gangster mom and then they had and then and then she had to talk to my parents about what happened and then my parents were laughing at me because i don't know you know they're like yeah we never talked about sex and ████ right they had they handed him the ████ rubber bands like take this thing is the next day his mom sat me down and showed me what a real condom was and she put it on and she put it in her mouth and then she yeah she's like go ahead you can you can like
11:48 open this up you know and then i was like i was like this is not fair like why did my parents embarrass me and not ████ tell me jack ████ and this stranger's well not strange my friend's mom's having this talk with me and then she's like unrolling it she goes this is what you use when you're an adult and then like my friend's standing there giggling because he's fourth grade huh this is you're in fourth grade yeah like fourth grade issue they had sex ed at that time in elementary school right now well i went to public school i just was like sixth grade but we didn't get the sex talk until like junior high yeah hell no i definitely didn't get the condom talk like i still didn't know what that was none of my friends were ████ by the way they were just pretending like they they knew but it's because like their parents were like degenerates and ████ they just had condoms they did random ████ they saw porno they saw this stuff i didn't see
12:39 any of it right but then his mom was cool enough to be like look like this is what adults use and this is for protection because you don't want sexual whatever and i was like well thanks for telling me ████ now i'm not a ████ dumbass he's like can we try now dude not sure she was uh she didn't look good actually she's a cool gangster mom the cool gangster mom i was picturing like a michelle rodriguez or something yeah yeah no but um nah dude she was she was really big that and she didn't know her size but like she she wore skimpy outfits it was so funny oh she knew her size she would be coming out and i'll put it like mini skirts and her ████ boyfriend would be like damn look at that hot mama wow i'm just like oh my god she's so fat
13:32 just the honest kid in you yeah in my head i don't know but yeah that was out loud she's so fat perfect so now we got ammunition on joe they don't know what a copper is a rubber band just throw rubber bands everywhere but i guess uh at from that point i was like i should just ████ admit that i don't know and if that little embarrassment was better than the big one oh yeah yeah that's always the way it goes bad they ████ went now let's put our condoms on in that voice dude that's what sucks you get like you let them have one thing and that thing gets stretched out for like three years yeah you're like mother every time a rubber band i don't think you do i don't think you do yeah me neither no it's only been like a year yeah i thought you'd get a saran wrap put the saran wrap over your dick and wrap a rubber band that's a pretty good that's pretty good though
14:22 that's probably that's like a dental dam yeah that's an old-school condom dude macgyver condom it's better than nothing i bet damn that was a really good story i think i uh i'll try i'll try and pull a story from when i was a little older so it feels dumber yeah a little less epic but um that tells the kindred story shut up i remember i had a i had a uh a bubbler you know for weed yeah and that's it's there's no denying what that is right that's like clearly what it is right and then i i was probably 25 or something done moving from like one apartment to another hats a couple boxes that i need to bring home you know be in the transition of the move uh and by the time i got into this other apartment i remember looking for this bubbler and i couldn't find it kept on trying to find it over and over and then i realized that like this no no it's like just maybe like this this big just had like two chambers one of those things you know put water in this water
15:12 bubbler you know so it makes it bubbler and then i thought to myself maybe it's at home all right i finally got home uh and then i'm looking for this thing and then finally my mom's like hey uh do you uh smoke and i'm like no what are you talking about she's like oh you sure i'm like yeah for sure she's like i found something and i was like would you find she tries to describe this stuff right she's like i think it's something you smoke with a butler the bubbler man [Laughter]
16:03 so i say the same ████ that i probably said when i was like five years old i was like oh that's my friends right i'm trying to explain this thing to my friends but that's so smart we smoked together but he left it at my house but but when you're an adult the s█████████ of trying to still hold that conviction to your parents and your parents looking at you like okay because there's no point in trying to argue as well yeah but then my my extra dumb ass you know after like an awkward moment of silence still goes do you still have it oh no she's like no i threw it away i was like oh i wanted to give that back to my friend and then from that on i'm pretty damn sure she knows i smoke but other than that i still didn't get in trouble or nothing no because i was like 25 you're smoking at four though it was a disappointment more than anger you know
16:54 what i mean just that s█████ part yeah but you still like i i don't have the heart to be like yes this is what i do i'm an adult what about now have you ever brought that back up and like no i never brought it up no need to call her we should call her right now right now call her out right now you shouldn't there's no way she has to be reimbursed for that yeah i'll call my mom tell her sorry about the condom dude where it's like disappointment is like 10 times worse than anger tell her you used to smoke salvia i'll tell i'll tell my mom it wasn't the helmet and i'll tell my mom it was me dude i'll tell them mom i didn't need condos i'll tell my mom i'm not jason see it's all fair we all do at the same time i still win save time simultaneous speakerphones so they're all just like that's just gonna like hurt her heart again for no reason she's just like thinking about something else i'm just gonna hear i know i know i know i ████ know i'm not an idiot you think oh yeah your friend's putting
17:44 hydrogen peroxide in his helmet i could feel it i can't wait for the lies they're gonna have yeah like there's gonna be a lot of ████ oh yeah s█████ follow-up kid lie i remember uh we had a pool day you know what i mean you know when you have pool days in elementary school and uh i remember me and my buddy uh kept on pretending that we had dropped a quarter at the bottom of the pool giving us an excuse to constantly dive down only so we could stare at panties [Music] you kid perv there's so many quarters down there oh wait how so it's probably like third grade yeah it's a pool day and you're just kind of like everybody's like oh my god look she's in her underwear you know what i mean you're like like how do we see it like oh i dropped a quarter now i gotta find it and just keep on saying the same ████ thing let's practice holding our breath as
18:34 long as we can yeah exactly he had his own excuse he did that ████ too with a different reason you're probably like let's do a tea party what's a tea party all right what about you everyone how it starts really early though man like kindergarten do you think kids modern kids still perval they have to is it perv or is it curiosity at that age i think it's curious because i don't even know what sex was what to do with it yeah i was like we didn't know we were perfect now ████ how i have to touch you guys of course they prove out what are you talking about i remember me and my friend we would watch we would watch baywatch and then like every now and then it's like non-stop doesn't mean it's just a white people thing dude it's a human nature thing to do no we'd be like seven all watching baywatch all of us have ████ like little heart boners and we would all stick our dicks at the screen at the tv yeah we don't know why it's attractive
19:24 it's like magnetic yeah whoa yeah it's like the poltergeist show and we'll just all stick our dicks there like we're ████ like towards mecca just showing each other your like lumps yeah just like flicking them yeah for me it's really stupid it's ████ stupid right so i remember i hope so i remember like my eyebrows like some some chick commented my eyebrows were really bushy and i was like ████ you talking about bishi right so i was like and i was looking at him in the mirror and i was like all right i guess i got to do something about this so i just started like plucking like pulling the what i thought was black with your hands with my fingers yeah cuz i don't know about ████ your hard core i'm in like middle school or something early middle school and i'm like i'm like all right ████ all right and then i go to school the next day and they're all red because they were bleeding and ████ and she's like did you pluck your eyebrows and i was
20:15 like no no pimples dudes ████ pimples dude i gotta moisturize my ████ big time you know like just totally of course i did that and yeah the fact that she called it out immediately like she knew it looked like i went to war that the night before it was crazy because i like your nails digging into your thing and you're plucking out and it's bleeding i'm surprised you didn't go to like your mom or sister and get tweezers i don't even know about that i didn't ████ know what to teach you i know that you tweezers were the fourth for that i had no idea it's like how would you know that yeah that's like saying why don't you just go to the freaking indian district and get threading done ████ or get hydrogen box on your ████ helmet i don't think i was taught like hygiene beyond ████ shampoo and soap and conditioner it's not a guy thing to not
21:05 like scrub and then just yeah be like lotiony ████ i didn't even ████ know i was supposed to pull my foreskin back and clean that me neither oh whoa i don't even know that but i just took a turn by the time i got that check before my surgery the doctor was like hey you ever clean that no no oh god this is going to be a time when was your surgery when i was when i was 13. okay okay that's better that's better circumcision at 13. well no no at least no chicks had to deal with it first i hope well [Laughter] just all right just uh i'm gonna i'm gonna count three two one after one everybody just point at who you think was the dumbest story okay the dumbest story on this live dumbass line don't believe me remember promise live here okay all right go all right all right just real quick just to recap just recap okay his this is jason over here
21:57 this is more great over here this is hydrogen peroxide over here i think the iron over there this is the bubbler over here okay this is the rubber band condoms okay all right eyebrows and eyebrows okay after one we don't even need it three two one more great that's the worst that i've ever heard that you thought you thought you were dissing your mom by writing her name down but misspelling it ████ hilarious i got one more too but bart's bart's excuse was funnier i was pointing out hydrogen peroxide me too the excuse of the helmet having hydrogen peroxide is just pretty good [Music] oh
22:47 [Music]
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