0:00 [Music] to be fair why don't we just have some fun with this one how about we just have Mike Host this one whoa whoa whoa whoa who H yeah let's go yeah dude you know what I mean how is this turn into a News segment however you see best fit we do report really good news here so okay cool are we rolling we are rolling okay cool I'm about to host this uh news report cuz Anthony told me to uh this headlin says I was just really in shock Kilt clad man seen sticking antiques in his rectum oh yeah yeah then that's why you wear placing them back on the shelves and there's a screenshot oh disgusting let me oh
0:51 put snap wow how how many in does it go in uh honestly it doesn't look like it's that deep it can't be that deep what a was How deep did it look a what it was How deep did Lady Liberty get up there what was it Santa what did he stick up there how could you still see most of the Oscar award or was it just like unrecognizable there it is oh my God that's him Fester dude that guy's sick wow so he wore a kilt just to do that yeah there might be a video Mi had a kilt where was that at how is that not how is that not just a skirt what's the Kilt element plaid skirt is that a plaid skirt I think it's a guy that wears it where was that at okay so uh this was in Texas I mean what store what store oh let's see s it's an antique store at
1:41 bies antique shop yeah yeah oh CU I it's actually really big want stores until I realize how s█████ people are ████ yeah yeah and I I I just I just I just I romanticize about working out a shop and I'm like I know the customers they're nice but then like this ████ happens all the time all the time in their nose happen all the time hey if you were the shop owner like what would you do if you saw that I would press a button that turns the gates down and shuts all the blinds and then I would go with a bat and start smacking them I think you should do the uh the cigarettes thing like when kids are caught smoking you know how they got to smoke the whole pack he's got to stick the whole thing up whole in there you are putting all of January's inventory in your ass you got the whole leg from the Christmas story remember the lamp
2:31 put that whole thing in there you're going like a ████ headpiece first yeah no you probably go heal probably heal would you rather like have uh your merchandise stolen that way or like that where he just takes it back out steal it I don't want ████ covered ████ cuz it's like what do you do with that like Liberty on and then plus it's like you don't know how many pieces he put in there so now you got to go around with your ████ glove on oh damn yeah you got you got to taste all of them put them all in your mouth cuz that's the best way to know if they're ████ like what would you do if you were if you were matching the gas station you saw a guy take the pump and just go like this the pp why a antique store you know little old grandma's going to be like oo look at the Statue of Liberty so that's even worse this the
3:22 antique store cuz it's just one of one yeah ████ up that's really sad though honestly like you just know that person's like so not well that's beyond that's beyond like s█████ human like they're ████ just unwell for the sake of empathy like let's let's say he's our homie though like how do we how do we make this like kind of cool yeah like if he's my homie I I'd be like why'd you do that that's fun that's funny if you're trying to make me laugh you do that that's funny but if you're doing that cuz you like you're like it like if you're seriously trying to itch your butt if he was my homie we're in the store he did that I'm like okay that's kind of funny and if he just put it back I'm like dude have to buy this now no I would have said what if what if that store owner counter with Co cover that day kicked your dog whoa the store kicked my dog the store owner earlier that day kicked your dog or some ████
4:13 you dab your homie bro we're burning this ████ store and my homie's like yo check this out you like eye for an eye like Works confused right now yeah that is confusing cuz I'd rather find his dog kick it and then what's Even Stevens I have to put something in my ass too okay F how do I make it how do I make it all good Al one to one what did that owner of that store do to you that merits you being like I'm going to get you back by shoving your antiques up my Kilt ass that's a good that's the right answer you have to it's a question whatever yeah meritocracy yeah what merits that meritocracy it's a question really but yeah we live in the talk to that's the answer I got to figure out ████ like
5:03 Stone Cold Steve Austin or something where you're like I know I can't beat his ass so I'll get you back in another way I'm going to make your store smell like ████ yeah long con if you do it every if you keep going back every day though that's some serious damage over time maybe not for one day you you just rubbing ████ all over his anti we got two cops holding them out like so Someone caught him in the store doing that and called the cops and they were able to catch him he was hitting them all up yeah so he was going to other places too oh he's the ████ Bandit poor cops d you got to arrest a guy that ████ smells like ████ too yeah what kind of surveillance footage from an antique shop allegedly grabbing several items off of the shelves and placing those items in his rectum before returning them to the shelves he was taken into custody it's Mitchell CEST by the way full name was
5:55 taken into custody on one one count of criminal mischief in connection with the bizarre allegations criminal mischief dude this dude's huge kind charges do you get for criminal he's a big guy thank God he's doing that and not touching kids yeah yeah yeah so what's the meritocracy for that one isn't it easier to like this one's like uh oh you weird and you kind of gross but like get out of here like nasty guy but it's not like it's not like he's like get out of here nasty guy sounds like you're flirting get out of here you little nasty guy would you say that this is Gateway behavior before he starts doing pervy stuff no this is the end you think this you think this is Peak dude Gateway is when you like go to the store and you're like you spit on that's easy or like rub a booger on something I'm not saying do more than that yeah that's
6:46 what I mean are you saying that's his potential this guy is five I don't think he's maxed out he's a month away from hanging out by schools bro you know what I mean like what's level two to this Nick probably checking out for hot kids at school or something they'll take it there more funny more funny I think this you don't you're telling me this guy doesn't have the potential to be a molester is what I'm saying I think no I don't think he's a molester type I think he's just like very feal oriented yeah so I could see him going Tosh yeah like a horse stable and maybe sticking his fingers in a horse's ass and then drawing a mustache or something I don't know like that level two he's very like feal or little animals oh you know like a neighborhood squirrel oh no yeah living living things in his ass yeah I can see that he just wants to put stuff in his butt yeah yeah or just door knobs
7:36 like dingdong ditch suck to be that squirrel imagine you're just squirreling around looking for some ████ maybe it doesn't feel that different you get picked up and then you get shoved into an ████ and you're like you think it's you think it's psychological or you think it's sexual I they let this dude live too long yeah I think it's all I think this is what people do when they are meant to die way earlier they just start doing weird ████ he escaped Final Destination it's Final Destination when they don't die you know what is funny though you ever hear about like those kids that go to Like Home Depot to like the toilet section and take a ████ in the toilet That's funny though see that's a fun time no it's not even though it sucks for the workers who's got to clean it suck for the work you can't get that mad at a kid oh actually you probably can't you probably you're trying to get mad at their parents it sucks for anybody who has a job and someone takes a ████ anywhere at their job that's true that's not in a in a
8:26 toilet with water bathroom yeah that's pretty sad well I feel like you know I think you should lock this guy up forever cuz you never know what he's capable of he's saying he should die yeah I think death penalty I would think any guy that walks into my store would a killed is suspect for sure it's like he's either trying to steal something what if he's also got a bagpipe though well if my store is a back pipe store then it makes sense it's like an Irish them store and all the pipes are going up his butt oh well okay all the pipes the pipes oh baby that's his thing I'm not mad anymore maybe he's just trying to see if he can play all the the vases or something maybe he's trying he's trying to play these things maybe emotional roller coaster like goes into your store you sell bag pipes he takes it shoves it up his ass you're like what the ████ he starts playing a beautiful song you're like oh sick that
9:16 was actually His Highest Potential he's a bagpipe player like that um the funeral song they do with the bag pipes oh and you just got to go you start shooting ████ muskets in the air yep or the next thing you could do if you're the store owner is once you see him then when he leaves then you rub poison ivy on all your items and you ask him to come back tomorrow wow be like hey keep keep it up you know what's funny there's a video of the owner of that store telling um the news what happened and she clearly has such P PTSD in her eyes cuz she like saw it happen and it's so sad she's just like and then he yeah really funny if she didn't know some man was capable of doing yeah you could tell that she's just like a nice lady that
10:06 works in a very like you know humble like would have thought yeah and for her to have to tell like to describe that I mean it's hard because even though she says they sanitized everything after that it's like would you still go there like no I'm taking my mouth elsewhere you can't believe what the ████ they sanitized yeah it's hard makes you want to think tce about like thrift shopping a little bit I just never no well you just got to smell everything before you buy it I guess so H yeah but man hopefully there's not a lot hopefully like they'll do a poll and it's like it doesn't come back where like 80% of people do that like on railings oh you know just like really public areas like escalate Mall escalators ████ train like probably like finger their ass and ████ smear it on railings and hey if if that was your King right that's your king to put
10:56 your ████ on stuff MH where was the where's the Place mine the ████ climbing gymm at the top like so right when you're at your height of like I'm going to do it you just feel it you go no and you you fall back I think door knobs is a good one probably any doorknob door knob door is a good it's boring but it'll get a lot of numers at what type of place like Planned Parenthood vs planned par I didn't think about Planned Parenthood but I'll throw that on the list I I'll throw that up there do they get a lot of foot traffic in plan yes that's the main question both those plac are automatic doors if I had to do it I think it' be on as much flamin' hot Cheetos bags as possible dude why you got to attack the ████ that I like because it's known right when you eat flamin' hot cheetos oh no dude you're a monster and I could be be behind a
11:49 tree ████ behind a tree yeah damn holy ████ that was the best answer we could have gotten that was a good one you're kind of a bad guy huh that guy's bad guy [Music] he
// end of tape